"Will u be coming this way today? 🤔"
is the first thing that I read as soon as I wake up. It's a message from Mr. Perfect Jawline. Now, this is not a new question. It's something that he generally asks. But why would he text it this early? I mean, it's only 8:10 am. It kind of feels weird. Wonder what it could be!

Obviously I wasn't planning to go to Colombo today. But if it's anything important, I might have to reconsider, right? Let me just text him and find out.

Me: No
Zayan: Oh
Me: Anything important? 👀
Me: I must go with my sis to check out her new house today
Me: that's why I can't come 😬
Zayan: that's fine
Zayan: I will come and meet u then 😁
Me: dude 🙄
Me: why would u do that? 😱
Zayan: I've been wanting to tell u something for the past 2 days but u never had the time 🤷🏻‍♂️
Me: so u could've just texted me whatever it is 🤷🏾‍♀️
Zayan: nah I wanna meet and talk 😊
Me: is it that important? 🤔
Zayan: maybe not so important 🤷🏻‍♂️
Zayan: but it's something that I wanna get out of my chest 😊
Me: oooh 😯
Me: can't it wait till tomorrow?
Zayan: I don't think so
Me: if text won't work, how about a call? 🤔
Zayan: 👎🏼
Me: wait then
Me: I will speak to Salima and try to come 😬
Zayan: aiyo don't do that 🤦🏻‍♂️
Zayan: why are u so against me coming there anyway?
Zayan: is Wattala such a big deal? 👻
Me: it's not that
Me: where would we even meet?
Me: that's my concern 🙄
Zayan: u tell me
Zayan: it's ur area
Me: I don't know 🤷🏾‍♀️
Me: I don't go out much
Zayan: fine then
Zayan: I'll come to ur place 👻
Me: crazy 😱
Zayan: stingy to serve me a cup of coffee? 😂
Me: aiyo 🤦🏾‍♀️
Me: it's just that no guy has ever come home to see me before
Me: My family will ask me endless questions even if I tell them it's just a client meetup 😖
Zayan: but ur sister and niblings know me already 🤷🏻‍♂️
Me: they don't live with us 🤦🏾‍♀️
Me: even if they do, it's still going to be weird
Zayan: okay so what do u want me to do then? 🤔
Me: just text it dude
Me: u will put me in trouble if u come home 🙄
Zayan: figure something out Ilhaam 🤷🏻‍♂️
Zayan: I'm about to leave now
Me: ok do this then
Me: I'm going for a run now
Me: come to the park 😬
Zayan: there u go
Zayan: u had a solution and didn't want to tell me 🤦🏻‍♂️
Me: I just came up with it 🙄
Zayan: fine send me the Google pin 😅
Me: wait 🤦🏾‍♀️

I share the location details with him and my mind starts doing what it does best — overthinking. I mean, this is so strange. What does he even want to talk about? Can't be work-related because if it were that, he would've got on a call or sent an email. This is definitely a personal matter. But what could be this 'something' that's not so important, yet has to be discussed in person?

Sounds like a confession. But he has already confessed his love once, isn't it? Wait, is he going to do the clarification thing that Salima wanted me to do with him? Perhaps he is going to ask me directly whether I want to reconsider my decision. That would be so cool!

I mean, that would make me feel like one of those popular girls that guys constantly go after. But what would be my response though? Do I say 'yes' so that I could avoid getting into a stupid arranged marriage? After speaking to Salima, it feels like the right thing to do. But then, I have these never-ending insecurities. So do I say 'no' once again because of that? I don't know yet but I better prepare myself with a proper response this time.

This whole thing might be weird but at least, now I wouldn't have to do the talking like Salima suggested. The truth is, I will never be able to do that. I would rather die than ask a guy whether he still likes me!

My phone vibrates as I wait for Mr. Perfect Jawline right at the running track entrance. I click open the notification to find a message from Zayan that says, "I'm here. Where about are u?" The moment I read it, I start feeling tensed, as if I'm meeting him for the first time. This is absolutely crazy! Why do I still feel so excited even though I've known this man for more than four months now?

I take a deep breath and look around to see whether Zayan is anywhere. And I notice him standing at a distance doing the same — looking for me. He then spots me and walks upto me. Zayan is so well-dressed that no one will think that he has come for workout. He rather looks like a model here for a photoshoot. Awww my poor heart is trying so hard to handle his cuteness!

"Ilhaam!" says Zayan with his infectious smile. Damn! That's it. Just my name — that's all he said. But my heart is beating faster already. I could say 'yes' to him just to look at that smile for the rest of my life. Such a pleasant face! My mind is very much convinced to give a positive response after seeing him now. So, I smile and say, "Hey, good to have you here."

Zayan smiles and asks, "So you live close by?" I nod and say, "Yeah, just 400 meters away from here. Once you cross the road and walk to your left, you will find a fruit stall. I live in the lane right next to that." Okay, that was so unnecessary. All he asked was a simple 'yes' or 'no' question and I ended up giving directions like the Google Maps. Now, I feel embarrassed.

"That's good. By the way, you can keep running as we speak" says Zayan. Say what? I'm not going to run and get sweaty and smelly in front of a guy with a jawline like that. No way! That would be the last thing that I want him to see. "Nah, that's fine. I can start running once you leave. Let's just walk around and speak" I say with an awkward smile.

"Alright then. So first and foremost, I need to say 'sorry' for the way I behaved that day. I shouldn't have joked about things like that. I never intended to hurt you or be insensitive to your feelings. It's just that I'm so used to taking everything lightly, but I guess, it's time that I change myself" says Zayan. Awww, he is really here to ask for a second chance. How sweet!

"Dude, that's okay. You shouldn't have to change yourself for anyone or anything. Humor is part of who you are. There are enough and more overly serious hotheads like me in this world. We need a few cool-heads like you too. So, please continue to be that. Don't change" I say with a smile.

"Thanks. I'm allowed to make fun of you then?" asks Zayan with a chuckle. "Yeah, why not?" I say, and I ask, "So this is what you wanted to tell me?" This could've been a text. What's the point in driving all the way up here just for this apology?

"No, the main reason why I'm here is to clarify something else" says Zayan. Okay, so I was right. The moment is here! He is about to ask me whether I still love him. God, please help me speak out the right words this time. I hope whatever response I give him today is something that I'd never have to regret later on.

"Clarify what?" I ask, pretending as if I have no clue about what he is going to say. Zayan sighs and says, "Ilhaam, the other day, you said a lot of things like how I'm perfect and my life is perfect and so on, but none of that's true. I want you to know that I have issues just like everyone else." Well, that's a weird statement to start with but I guess he will get to the awaited question eventually. Also, why is he trying to be too modest now, denying a truth about himself?

"What do you mean? I don't get it" I say with a confused look. "I never spoke to you much about my past before but I think it's time that I tell you a few things about it now" says Zayan in a serious tone. That smile of his is no more. This is scary. Is he about to tell me that he is a married man?

Maybe I was right all along. Either he is looking for a second wife while his first wife is alive, or he must be widowed or divorced. Or like Mr. Rochester in Jane Eyre, his first wife must be mentally ill and locked up somewhere in his house in Australia. Whatever it is, I'm mad at him now for not telling me any of this before. He got me excited for no reason at all.

"You were married?" I ask. "No, that's like one of my biggest problems. I was never able to take such serious steps in a relationship" says Zayan with a grim expression. And he adds, "I told you about a girlfriend who left me before I started going for therapy, right?" I just nod my head. I'm too confused to say anything at this point. If this isn't about a previous marriage, then what could it be?

"That girl leaving me wasn't her mistake. It was entirely mine. I was so detached because of my grief that I completely let her down. She tried her best to fix things but I kept pushing her away. My actions caused this disconnect in our relationship and I guess, in a way, she was forced to make that decision because I wasn't the same person that she once fell in love with" says Zayan.

Oh wow. So, today's meeting was never about me. It's just an episode of missing his ex. Awesome! Ilhaam's heart has been played once more. Zayan was clearly trying to use me as a rebound. What a disgrace! "Okay so you are regretting about your ex? What else?" I ask quite angrily.

Zayan sighs and says, "I don't regret losing her but to this day, I regret my actions. I shouldn't have done what I did. And the truth is, Ilhaam, I think after that incident, I became commitment-phobic. It doesn't mean I'm a player. It's just that every time I speak to a girl and realize that she is getting a little serious with her feelings, I sort of abandon the whole thing and run away from her. I feel bad about it but then again since I'm too afraid of the misery that I might cause someone else because of my relationship anxiety, I end up doing that."

Damn, looks like Zayan is nothing but a Sameer! He abandons girls when they need him the most. This is what he would have done to me too had I said 'yes'. It's good that I rejected his love then. But I kind of feel sorry for him though. I guess it's the way he is talking. He sounds very sad and genuine. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be feeling this way.

My thoughts get interrupted when Zayan says, "But truly Ilhaam, with you, I never felt that way. I didn't want to abandon you. Rather, I wanted to somehow hold on to you and make this work. I know you might not believe me but it's the truth. When I got to know you, for the first time in two years, I felt like I really wanted to be serious about a relationship. And maybe that's why I kind of pushed you too hard, asking for a response. I was afraid that if I delay it, I might lose you too. But I shouldn't have done that. It was unfair for you. The whole time I was only thinking about myself that I failed to realize how uncomfortable you must have felt. And I regret it. I'm sorry, Ilhaam."

Okay, now he sounds absolutely sweet and I feel special after what he just said. But what if the whole thing is just an act to make me reconsider my decision? After all, men are such great actors, right? "Sounds nice but how can I trust you?" I ask.

He smiles and says, "I don't expect you to trust me, Ilhaam. I just wanted to tell you this because I felt like without knowing this part about me, you are assuming me to be something that I'm not — perfect. I was never perfect and I never will be. I am just a normal imperfect person who is trying my best to not to repeat the mistakes that I've done in the past."

"Right. Thanks for clarifying. So that's it?" I ask. By now, I'm impatiently waiting for him to say that he still loves me. Maybe if he doesn't do that, like Salima suggested, I must do it. This guy seems to be broken just like I am. I don't know whether he is telling the truth or not, but for some reason, I feel sorry for him. Right now, all I can see is his innocence and the love that he deserves in this world. I'm not sure whether I'll be able to give it to him but I can definitely try. Feels like a hasty decision once again, but I think I will be okay.

"I guess so. Maybe you expected something more important but I just wanted to tell this to you before I leave to Australia" says Zayan. And his words break my heart for I was wrong! He never came looking for a reconsideration or 'yes'. He has wholeheartedly accepted my 'no' and is going to Australia to look for more proposals. Typical guy! He has moved on already.

How did I miss this? Why did I even think that a guy would ever come after me? Sameer never did. So, why would Zayan be any different? Thank God, I did not openly ask him anything like Salima suggested. Had I done that, I would've died out of shame by now.

"Oh, Australia" I say trying to hide the disappointment in my voice. Zayan smiles and says, "Yeah, leaving today evening. I've been thinking about doing this and now feels like the right time for it—" and I stop him with "I know. It's a good decision. I'm happy for you. Very happy for you." He gives me a strange look and asks, "For real?"

What does he even think? Why would he ask whether I'm really happy about it? So he expects me to cry just because he has decided to settle down with someone else? What an arrogant moron! And I felt sorry for this guy. I'm such an idiot! I must show him that I'm not desperate.

"Yeah, yeah I am. Also, I wanted to tell you something" I say. "What?" asks Zayan with a smile. "A groom and his family are coming to see me this weekend. I hope it goes well. Pray for me." His face changes and that grim expression appears once again. Probably he can't digest the fact that I could find other proposals too.

"Oh. Sure. Good luck. I have to go now and get ready. See you!" says Zayan and leaves. And I start running with a heavy heart. Clarification is done and now it's time to face reality!

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Do you think Zayan is really looking for a proposal again? 😔💔

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