After 1 month
**************

"Ilhaam, you are coming with us tonight, right?" asks mom as I drink my tea. "Where?" I ask her feeling groggy.

I just woke up mom. Not the right time to be talking to me about plans for the night. I keep yawning when mom says, "Nusra aunty's housewarming party. I told you the other day, don't you remember?"

Oh, yet another brown family event that I am about to avoid. Why does mom even bother to ask when she knows my answer already? "Nah, you guys go ahead. I'll just stay at home" I say.

Yes, this has been me since lately — I have been completely shutting myself out from the external world. Especially, after quitting my job.

I mean, things have been crazy since then. I thought taking a break from work might actually help me get better, but with time I have come to realize it's by far the worst decision I have made in my life. For real, worse than even falling in love with Sameer!

The truth is, now that I have nothing to do, I have more time to sit around and ponder over all things that are wrong about my life. I guess my depression is getting worse, but I have no motivation to even seek help anymore. After that useless counseling session with Mrs. Marina, I have lost belief in it just like mom and Salima, even though I very well know it was my mistake why it failed.

So yeah, nothing has changed much in my life over the past few weeks, except for the fact that I have gained 9 kgs weight. I mean, soon after the breakup, I stopped eating because I was very sad. But then after a point, food was the only thing that made me happy so I started eating like crazy and now I have no control over it.

My relationship with friends and family have gotten worse with time too. Naomi drops a message at least once a week asking me how I am, but I have a feeling that she is just forcing herself to do it as a formality, and not out of real concern. However, just to appreciate her efforts, I do text back but then when she doesn't reply with the old friendly vibes, I tend to ignore her messages.

Like, even day before yesterday she asked me whether I would like to meet and talk over coffee, but the whole suggestion sounded very fake, so I ignored it. I mean, we are not best buddies anymore, right? So, why would we waste time doing dumb things?

As for Saad, I still feel mad at him for ruining things at work for me. He sometimes calls so randomly to get clarifications regarding projects that I used to handle at work but I almost always ignore his calls. A person who acts like he knows everything needs to figure things out on his own! Why ask for my help?

And my family has been hit hardest by my behavior. I know they are all worried about me, but it's hard to act like things are fine, when they are really not.

However, at least, I don't cry a lot now. I just stay moody and don't talk to any of them most of the time, which makes my family think I am making progress because according to them, silence is better than shedding tears. And this is why they now expect me to join parties and act normal as if everything is okay.

I mean, deep down I know that things are only getting worse. It's not like I don't feel sad. I feel it. I just can't seem to express it anymore.

Even when I reread old conversations with Sameer, I feel this heaviness in my chest, but the tears don't flow easily. I guess the thing is I have suppressed my emotions so much that I have become numb now. Good in a way, because at least people around me are finding it to be a positive change.

But it is also scary. Because I know that at any moment, my feelings might erupt like a volcano and I can go complete psycho like what happened with Saad and the sales dude at work sometime back.

So, this is why I avoid going out as much as possible, even though mom doesn't seem to understand.

I sometimes feel that finding another job might be helpful, as a fresh start at a new place with new people might make life a little exciting. But then again, the fact that I am so used to this lazy lifestyle of only eating-and-sleeping, makes me drop the idea immediately.

What's sad is that I used to be so career-oriented before all this happened, and now I don't want to even think of working. All I have is a lack of motivation and it frightens me!

"Why can't you come? It's not like you have anything to do at home" says mom, interrupting my thoughts. I sigh and say, "I don't know mom. I just don't feel like it."

And then I unlock my phone and start scrolling through Instagram when I hear her sniffling. Seriously! Why would she cry and create unnecessary drama now?

"What now?" I ask her. She wipes her tears and says, "I care about you so much and you can't even do this for me, Ilhaam. If it were your dad's side of the family, you would've agreed to come. It is because Nusra is is my sister that you are not showing any interest at all."

Okay, what? This is taking a whole new turn now. Mom always has this feeling that I don't respect her family enough. The truth is, I don't like any of my relatives, regardless of whether they are maternal or paternal. They are all rude and they all make nasty comments. But it's not like she is going to understand. So I agree to join. At least, she will be happy.

Ugh! One annoying thing about going out is having to find a proper dress to wear. Of course it's still 2:00 pm and I have a lot of time to decide on a dress, but I have to start the search early because of my weight gain particularly. Now that I have gotten fatter than before, I'm sure all my dresses will be tight, especially around the tummy area.

The floor is messy, with clothes all over. I try on dress after the other, only to get disappointed, when my eyes spot something that I wasn't even looking for inside the cupboard.

Yes, it is that book Saad gifted me. Didn't have the mood to read it at all when he gave it, so I guess I just tossed it away and never looked for it again. Maybe I should give it a try today. After all, Saad says it might change my life!

So, I sit and get ready to read the book. The first thing I do is yawn, because, trust me, I'm not a great fan of reading, especially not self-help books. This better be good for all the hype Saad created!

This book is actually pretty good. I mean, despite the fact that I'm not even a voracious reader, I've been reading it nonstop for the past few hours and I even seem to enjoy it.

Reading it makes me feel smart. It also gives me hope about how much better my life could become if I work hard enough. A numb person feeling positive after a long time — this is huge!

Anyway, it's time for me to get ready for the party but I'm still reading. Can you believe it? I'm literally acting like Saad now. Kind of embarrassing when I think of it.

I've been highlighting important parts of the book, specially those quotes that make me feel good. This is my favorite so far,
"Every adversity, every failure, every heartbreak, carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit."
This sounds a lot like what dad told me the other day. Perhaps this heartbreak could trigger a breakthrough in my life!

As we enter Nusra aunty's house, I send a text to Saad, "Hey I know I should've done this earlier...But just started reading it...this book is kinda good 😊" He replies back, "It took you a month lol 😂"

I type, "yeah" and look around to find Mom and Salima engaged in small talk with the aunties. I can't get caught to this.

I quickly walk way from that place, find a spot inside a less-crowded room and sit with the kids. There aren't much people I know here. So, maybe they won't comment nasty things.

Being stuck at a stupid housewarming party, suddenly even texting Saad seems like a good idea. And that's what I am doing now.

Saad: how are u? is everything alright?
Me: Not bad
Saad: u don't really sound good tho
Me: 🙄
Saad: for real
Saad: how are things after the breakup?
Me: idk man 🤷🏾‍♀️ depressed and stuff I guess...but other than that I'm ok
Saad: depressed? are u serious?
Me: why would I lie?
Saad: are u getting help at least?
Me: Nah
Me: I'll be fine
Saad: I know someone who might be able to help u
Saad: do u want the details?

I read it with a smirk. As if Saad even knows about depression and therapy! He is just trying to bluff now.

"Oh my God! Ilhaam, you have become so fat" says a voice and I look up to find Mafaza aunty standing in front of me.

Okay here we go. She and her gang have entered the room. Now, it's going to be a series of fat-shaming comments.

I just smile and stare back at my phone, when she says again, "I am so disappointed in you. You were thinner than this the last time I saw you. How did you get fat again?"

I try to ignore it but I guess it's time to go-psycho because all I hear myself say is, "Why are you disappointed in me? It's my body. Not yours. Maybe you should take a look in the mirror and be disappointed with yourself first."

Damn! Pin-drop silence in the room. I shouldn't have sounded so mean. I really need to calm down.

"Okay, okay, don't get angry Ilhaam. Aunty is just saying that for your own good. It's better to control your food and lose some weight, right?" says Zainab breaking the silence. My phone vibrates at the same time and it's a message from Saad.

"You mind your own business, Zainab! Nobody asked for your opinion. If you come for free food, just eat it and get lost. Don't advice me unnecessarily" I say and I realize my eyes getting wet.

Oh crap! I'm crying. Mom would be furious if she gets to know what I've done.

I quickly run out of the house and get into a three-wheeler without even waiting for the dinner to be over.

The more I stay in this house, the more I will go mad. I can explain things to mom and Salima once they come home.

On my way home, crying, I open Saad's unread message and it's a YouTube link. I click on it to find a familiar face. That's right.

It's the brown-skinned guy that speaks about work-life balance. The one that Saad used to watch all the time at office. Why would he send me his video now?

Wait, he is that someone Saad was talking about? Never knew he was a therapist!

—————————————————
—————————————————
What do you think about Ilhaam's behavior at the housewarming party? 🤔 Something to be proud of or ashamed of? 😂

Please search for @BIGMADEBROWNIE on Instagram & Facebook and follow me to enjoy short meme-like posts and updates about the story 🥰🙏🏾