After 2 days
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I failed. Yes, I did. Even though I decided that I should get better at least for the sake of my family, I couldn't do it.

The positive vibes from the conversations with dad and Salima made me feel like everything was fine for that moment but I lost it the very next day. And then I was back to overthinking and crying like a loser once again, that I failed to complete my assignment on time.

On one side, I feel terribly sad about the breakup while on the other side, I feel guilty because wallowing in my sadness means I'm letting my family down and also being a bad influence on the kids.

To add to all of this, the assignment deferral happened and now I am more upset than ever. I mean, this is the first time I messed up with my studies so bad. I have never postponed any of my assignments before.

My life sucks. I can feel it getting worse by the day.

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed because I checked symptoms of depression on Google and I have almost all of them. I did try talking to mom and Salima about wanting to see a therapist but both of them disagreed with me. They told me that therapy is a lie and that I should just focus more on my religious development if I want things to get better.

I tried explaining the importance of mental health to them but it got to a point, when I myself I started feeling like a drama queen trying to prove to my family that I have depression. So, we all finally agreed that I could consider therapy in a few days if my situation doesn't improve.

Since staying at home helped in no way and my leaves are over too, I had to come to office today. Here I am now trying to distract myself with work at least, but looks like it's an epic fail too.

Every time I try to do some work, I somehow end up going to Facebook and sharing sad posts. There's plenty that I could relate to right now. I'm sure everyone in my friend list knows that I'm going through a breakup by looking at my posts.

It's embarrassing but I can't seem to stop it. Besides crying, reading old conversations, and listening to sad music, that's the only other thing I feel like doing.

The infant is not here yet, He must be out, busy with some sales work. It's good in a way. I mean, if was here, he would've spoilt my mood more by asking me unnecessary questions. I haven't told him about the breakup yet. Naomi has been busy with some interviews since morning, so we haven't spoken yet either.

I can't believe I'm doing this, but right now, I am crying at my desk. My sadness is reaching a new low every day.

First I cried at home in front of my niblings, then on the bus in front of strangers, and now at office, almost getting exposed to my coworkers! Luckily my spot is hidden from most of them, so they won't be able to see it.

I wipe my tears and keep typing an email James asked me to send to some client, when I get interrupted by the infant's words, "Hello! How are you?"

Oh here we go! I have to deal with this for the next few hours now. I send the email and say "Not bad", without even looking up.

"Seriously, what's wrong with you? You have been acting a little weird since the trip" he says. I sigh and don't reply.

I keep staring at the screen and he asks again, "Did you cry? Is everything alright? You know you can talk to me, right?" Seriously, what does he think of himself? A therapist? Crazy little kid!

I ignore his questions and continue to work when he shakes my chair. Okay, now this is normal. It happens all the time. I know I shouldn't react. I could just ignore it as always.

But somehow I find myself shouting angrily, "What is wrong with you? Stop being so annoying!"

Uh oh! What have I done? Maybe I shouted a little too loud and it looks like the entire floor heard it because I can feel everyone staring at us.

Saad stands there frozen not knowing why I reacted the way I did. I don't know either. Of course I was upset over a lot of things, but was I that angry? I guess I am turning into a psycho!

I quickly get up and make my way to the washroom with tears in my eyes, when I hear an annoying senior guy from Sales say with a chuckle, "Ah Ilhaam, don't bring family problems here. You and Saad should deal with it at home." And the rest of them start laughing.

What does this even mean? Wait, do people in this office honestly think that Saad and I are a couple? I mean, they have cracked jokes pairing both of us, during the initial days of Saad joining. But I didn't think they were serious about it. How could they just assume crap like this?

I can feel my anger rising. Again, I could simply ignore it but I shout at him, "Stop cracking stupid jokes and go bring some sales!" and I run out.

As I stand in front of the mirror in the washroom and wipe my tears, I can't help but realize what a pathetic loser I have become because of Sameer. This has never been me at work. I have always maintained my cool no matter what.

Just two days back I thought my role in this world was to inspire people, and here I am shouting at my colleagues as if they harassed me. All Saad asked was a normal question and probably the Sales guy just meant it as a joke too but I overreacted.

Such a shame! James and the boomers would have heard it too.

Walking back from the washroom, I keep staring at the floor, so that I wouldn't have to meet anyone's eyes. But then, James calls out my name.

Oh crap! He must've seen the whole drama I created. Is he going to advice me on it? Could it affect my appraisal?

Shouting at Saad is at least fine because he is a junior employee and also a friend of mine, but what happened with the sales guy could actually become a problem. After all, Sales people rule this company and I'm nothing important compared to them!

I walk into James' cabin and take a seat, and before he speaks I say, "I'm sorry about what just happened. I was really in a bad mood and they pulled my legs."

James looks at me and shakes his head as if to say there's something more to it. Could the Sales guy or Saad have made a complaint about me while I was in the washroom?

I stare at his blank face and he says, "Let's discuss that later. First, tell me, what were you thinking when you sent this email?"

I don't say anything. I only give him a confused look because I truly don't know what he is talking about.

He turns his laptop towards my direction and makes me read the last email I sent. Okay, I must admit there are a few grammatical mistakes, which is so unlike an email I typed. But this is very normal behavior for most of them in this office. I can't be penalized just because I failed at it once.

"Sorry about the bad grammar. I should've checked it before I sent it" I say trying to sound apologetic as possible. I expect James to smile but the blank expression still persists.

"It's not the grammatical errors, Ilhaam. You have attached the wrong price list. Your email to the client actually has the price list that we received from the suppliers. Do you realize how much of a loss it would cause for the company if we sell it at that rate?" says James with a stern face.

Okay, first of all, I have never seen him this angry. It is pretty scary. Second of all, now that I check the email, yes I have made that unforgivable blunder!

"Oh My God! I'm really sorry. Is there anything that could be done?" I ask James in a shaky voice and I can feel my eyes getting teary.

He shakes his head and says, "I don't know. I will try to write to them from my end. But seriously, how careless can you get?"

I can't believe he is talking to me like this. I get it, I've done a grave mistake in corporate standards but still, has he forgotten all the times I did my work right?

"I should've been more careful. I'm sorry. But it's all because of Saad. He was talking to me when I was typing that email. So, I guess I got distracted" I say.

James sighs and says, "Come on, Ilhaam! I know you always had a thing against that boy but don't put the blame on him for a mistake that you did. I could've rather asked him to send the email."

And that's it! Tears start rolling down my face and I'm not able to stop it. What an embarrassing moment!

Bye bye to all those great worth ethics of mine which I am proud of. James is literally saying that Saad is a better employee than me, and I can't even deny it at this instance. What a joke my life has become!

"Okay, don't worry. We might be able to do something" says James. I excuse myself and leave his cabin. As I walk up to my desk, I can't stop feeling ashamed of myself, after everything that's happened today.

Maybe I should just quit this job or need to at least seek professional counseling. I can't be pretending to be normal when I'm really not feeling normal at all. Things are falling apart and it's high time I do something to fix it.

I sit and start typing and Saad says, "Listen, I don't know what happened. But, I'm sorry."

I look at him with a fake smile and say, "It's okay. You are finally going to get something that you always wanted."

He gives me a confused look and asks, "What do you mean? What did I always want?" I don't respond. I only smile and continue to type.

A little later, I walk up to James' cabin with a letter. "Can we talk for a bit?" I ask him. He says "yes" and I take a seat. I give him the letter and he looks puzzled.

"Are you serious, Ilhaam? A resignation letter because I pointed out one mistake? This is ridiculous" he says. Before I could speak, he again says, "Is everything alright with you? You are not focused like earlier and that is what I wanted to discuss previously. My intention wasn't anything like this. Don't make hasty decisions. Think about it."

I smile and say, "No, this is not just about the email. That's just one part of a bigger problem. I am going through a bad phase and I have become a total mess. It's so hard to focus on anything or even act normal. Besides, if I can't give my 100% commitment to work, I shouldn't be doing it at all. It feels like cheating. I really need a break and this just sounds like the best option right now. Please James, approve it and make things easy for me one last time, like you always did."

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Do you think Ilhaam is making a hasty decision or would taking a break from work actually be helpful? 🤔

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