After speaking to Kaveesha yesterday, I couldn't write my assignment at all. I got distracted and started feeling sadder that I cried the whole time on the bus while returning home. Some people even gave me weird looks but I could not stop. I kept listening to sad music and wallowed in my sadness.

The worst part is that my assignment still remains undone and I only have three more days to go. So, although I have already taken too many leaves, I messaged James and informed him that I won't be coming in today too. I must somehow utilize today and the weekend to get this assignment done.

I haven't left my room since the time I woke up. In fact, I haven't even got off the bed. I've spent the last two hours stalking people on Instagram. At first, I stalked those influencers I used to be jealous of. Most of them are doing much better than earlier.

Especially, one of these girls who I thought will never even get followers because of her poor photography skills has actually become a real deal influencer now. She has also got engaged to her boyfriend and I felt so jealous looking at her pictures and videos.

I mean, I checked her out 3 months back and she looked like a loser. But now she's a star. How did her life change so positively while mine just shattered to pieces? She is super fair and rich — there you go, that's how it worked out for her! How unfair life is!

I also stalked Sameer's IG through a fake profile I created for this purpose. Though his profile is private, I did find something that made me very angry. He has updated his bio with a stupid quote that says,

Never regret your past.
Rather embrace it as the teacher it is.

What the hell does that even mean? He sounds as if I ruined his life when in reality he was the one who did that to me. He probably wants others to think that I initiated the breakup. What a moron!

I know I should be hating him for whatever he has done, but strangely I still feel only sad when I think of everything. Why couldn't we make it work?

Maybe we both were too hasty with our decisions. But did I even have a chance to make a decision? It was his call. If only he had given me another chance!

And now that I have successfully got my feelings hurt, I cannot even think of getting out of bed to work on the assignment. Congratulations, Ilhaam!

As I keep crying, I hear a knock on the door, along with Salima calling out my name. Why would she come home at this time? This is strange.

I guess mom asked her to come to check on me. I generally don't lock up the door from inside but today I did it and mom probably got scared.

"Ilhaam, open the door. I have to show you something" says Salima. I'm not going to open the door for that. What is she going to show me? Sameer? Nah! Probably something stupid. I can't be bothered. If I let her in, she would sit here and start advising me, like I even need it.

So, I say, "No Sally. I am working on my assignment. Please don't disturb." She knocks a few more times and says, "Just a minute. Open, will you?"

I ignore her without even responding that the knocks stop after sometime. I know I'm being a total moron, but it's okay, I need my space now.

It's been a few hours and I guess Salima is still here. She and mom, both were at the door even a while ago asking me to open but I said 'no'.

I've been trying to type something for a long time but it's so hard to concentrate when you have so many negative thoughts in your mind.

Thank God, I didn't go to work. It would've been worse than this. Obviously I can't shut my coworkers out like I do with my family, right?

I keep staring at the screen with tears in my eyes when I get distracted by my niblings' voices. They must be back home after school. "Ilu aunty, open the door!" I hear them yell as they knock on the door monstrously.

I may have avoided mom and Salima, but the same thing won't work with these fellows. They might even break the door. So, I finally open and let them in.

"I want to be a grown up like you" says Caira as her brother and sister keep messing with my stuff. I've been telling them like a million times to stop but they just won't listen. So annoying! And now this child is trying to get me into a conversation.

I roll my eyes and ask, "Why?" She thinks for a while and says, "Because it's fun to be a grown up."

Oh sweetie! You are just in grade two and you know nothing about this world. I'm sorry but I'm about to burst your bubble.

"Nah, being a grownup sucks. People break your heart and make you cry" I say and I realize tears rolling down my face. The kids keep staring at my face not knowing what to do when I hear another knock on the door.

Salima seriously needs to stop! I keep cursing her under my breath when I hear dad's voice. What the hell? How is he home at this time? My family is crazy!

I open the door. Dad walks in and sends the kids out. Wait, is he really going to have a serious discussion? Oh God! I hope not. I'm truly not in a mood for advice right now.

"How are you feeling, little one?" asks dad. Of course sad, dad! How else will I feel? I just got dumped five days back by a boy who means the world to me. Do you really even expect me to answer that question? Can't you see that I'm crying?

I ignore his question and keep quiet when he says again, "It hurts to see you this way. I get it, a boy broke your heart and you are sad. But why would you shut all of us out like this? It's not fair, little one. We are only trying to help you."

I don't know dad. I'm doing it probably because you guys only brought me into this world. If you had never done that, I wouldn't have to go through so much of pain, would I? Or how about the fact that I was born brown-skinned and poor because of you? I could blame you guys for so many things, dad.

I sigh and say, "I'm sorry. I just need some time." He holds my hand and says, "That's perfectly fine. You take your own time. I would never ask you to get over this fast, because I can imagine how difficult it must be for you. But remember, no matter how you are feeling right now, things are going to get better."

I shake my head in denial and sigh when he says, "No, truly. This experience in your life might have broken you but it is going to make you stronger than ever. Trust me. Do you even know why I named you Ilhaam?"

Wait, let me guess. Probably because you hate me. I mean, why else would you give me a boy's name that got me bullied all throughout my life? And honestly, where is this conversation even going?

I say "I don't know." Dad smiles and says, "Because Ilhaam means inspiration. And that is what you are to all of us — an inspiration. You've always inspired me to do better in life. The day the doctors put you in my hands, I knew you were no ordinary child. You were special right from the beginning. As a kid, you were so talkative, just like Salima's children. You used to question us a lot. Whenever we told you not to do something, you demanded for reasons. You never accepted 'no' for an answer immediately. You also had a lot of temper tantrums whenever something was not given to you or snatched away from you. But then each time, you made sure you picked yourself up and fought back much stronger than before. Back then, your mom and I, we used to be worried thinking that you were too adamant but it all makes perfect sense now. It is that spirit of yours that's going to help you with your breakup too. This can be challenging times but if you tackle it right, who knows, it might actually become the first steps of a major breakthrough in your life. And when that happens, make sure you inspire more people to overcome their struggles because not all are gifted with such abilities."

Wow. Dad could speak so well. I never knew this side of his. Now I feel bad about blaming him in my mind unnecessarily. He is being so sweet to me. His eyes are also teary.

I don't know whether he is being honest with his words or just lying to console me, but I guess I am feeling much better now. Maybe like he says, I might have the capability of inspiring others if I try hard enough. I smile and say, "Thanks dad. It means a lot."

"You can thank me later. Now come and have lunch with us. After all, I came home early today specially for you" says dad. I am still not in a mood to walk out of the room but I don't want to hurt my family more. So I agree.

As I walk upto the dining table, I see Salima trying to force feed vegetables to the kids, which they absolutely hate. Poor Salima. She has to go through this drama everyday.

I hear her say, "Eat this, then only you will grow up." The kids keep refusing to eat it and Caira says all of a sudden, "What if I don't want to grow up, mom? Ilu aunty said it's not fun and people break your heart when you are a grownup."

Oh crap! Why would this child discuss random words of mine with her mom? I'm in deep deep deep trouble!

Salima comes to the kitchen as I wash my plate. I quickly try to walk away from her when she stops me and gives me a sheet.

It is a term test English paper of Caira with an essay on "My Role Model" and this is what it says,
1. My role model is my aunt.
2. Her name is Ilhaam.
3. She is beautiful.
4. She works hard.
5. I love my aunt and I want to become like her.

I start crying the moment I read it. Such lovely words written about a useless person. I don't even deserve this.

"This is what I wanted to show you earlier. My daughter doesn't even think of me as her role model but you, Ilhaam. You can act the way you want. But remember that these little fellows are looking up to you and everything that you say and do has an impact on them. Just make sure you continue to influence them positively" says Salima.

I don't respond. I stand there and cry because seriously, what am I even doing with my life? I'm supposed to inspire people with my actions and not cry over a stupid boy!

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Finally some sense knocked into Ilhaam 🤯 Hope it lasts long!

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