I'm desperately trying to breathe but I can't do it. In fact, I'm not able to move a single muscle of my body. What's happening to me? That's right. I'm drowning and no one's even trying to help me out even though there are a lot of them standing there and watching me drown. I guess my lungs are getting filled with water now. It's so hard. I just want to get out of here. "Please help me" I scream and throw my hands out of the water with the greatest difficulty but someone knocks it off saying, "You are too dark and fat anyway", followed with, "you don't deserve to live". This voice is familiar but I don't know who it belongs to. I'm drowning further as I hear, "and that's why I am leaving you for Aisha" and I realize it's Sameer. I cry and I try to speak up but I guess it's my end. I feel numb. Maybe I'm on my last breath and the final words I hear are, "Ilhaam! Ilhaam! What's wrong?"

I open my eyes, sit on the bed and realize it was just a nightmare about what happened in Trinco yesterday. My palms are sweaty and so is my face. And my eyes feel wet. Wait, did I just cry in my sleep?

Mom is staring at me with a serious look of concern. Wonder what I blabbered in my sleep. She actually doesn't know anything about my breakup yet.

I got home late last night after the trip and as soon as I walked in, I pretended to be terribly sleepy. So before mom noticed by puffy eyes I hit the bed, though I couldn't sleep for a very long time.

I was up all night crying. I still can't believe it's over. It shouldn't have happened.

"Why were you crying in your sleep? Is everything alright?" asks mom. What do I tell her now? I don't have the strength to break the news to her. She will be heartbroken just as I am.

Maybe I should tell her about my fall off the boat. Nah, that would upset her too and she would never let me go to beaches again if she gets to know it.

I can feel my tears about to flow even now. I try to control them and say, "Just a terrible nightmare."

Since mom believes that people shouldn't share details about nightmares with others as it's some sort of bad luck, she leaves the room without questioning me further. Thank God!

Luckily today is a Poya holiday so I don't have to go to work. I lie on the bed and start crying once again with so many thoughts running around in my head.

Why did Sameer have to do this to me? Didn't our relationship mean anything to him at all? Am I that worthless? It was so easy to walk away from me unlike with Aisha, right? Is it because I'm plain-faced? So plain people don't deserve love?

As I cry, I can't help but imagine fake scenarios in my head of Sameer realizing his mistake and coming back to me, though, deep down I know it will never happen.

Only pretty girls get even a second chance like that. Not unattractive dorks like me. I just wish I was pretty so that it would've been hard for Sameer to make this choice.

Soon after I sent my last message to him yesterday, he unfriended me on Facebook and unfollowed me on IG too. I was so mad at him that I blocked him on everything, including WhatsApp. And now that Sameer is no more, my phone is dry once again.

I don't know how people could change this fast. He did not even reply back to my last message, despite the fact that I told him I almost drowned. It's not like I expected him to respond but didn't he want to at least check on me?

How could he act so stone-hearted to someone who he claimed to love until yesterday morning? Maybe he never loved me. Maybe I was just a distraction to get over Aisha. But then why would he give away his hard-earned Rs.10,000 to someone who he never loved?

It's all so confusing and you know what hurts the most is that, he did not even give me a proper reason for leaving me. It's like plain girls don't even deserve to know why they get dumped.

It's 2:00 pm and I haven't even brushed my teeth yet. I don't have the motivation to do anything.

I only have a week for assignment submission and ideally I should be working on it now, but I don't have the energy or mood to do that.

In fact, I don't even feel like taking a bath, changing my clothes or combing my hair. I can feel myself being sticky because of all the sea salt from the trip but I don't want to become clean.

I just want to stay in bed all day, reread my chats with Sameer over and over again, listen to sad music and cry.

I did not have both breakfast and lunch because I'm not hungry. Mom scolded me for skipping meals but I just ignored her. And now every time she passes by my room, she keeps ranting about my bad behavior.

Oh mom! Little does she know that I'm heartbroken and need some personal space right now.

I might have to get Salima's help to inform everyone at home about this. The thing is even she doesn't know it yet.

Now if I'm to tell her, I have to first get out of bed, refresh myself and go to her place. Oh man! That's such a long process and I truly don't have the strength to do it now.

Okay, so mom's scoldings are getting worse now, so I am finally here in the washroom to brush.

I look at the mirror and I can't help but notice how unattractive I am. There's not a single feature beautiful about me.

Dark and coarse skin with eyes that are big and rounded like eggs, an unevenly big nose, chapped lips, hair that looks like damaged black wire and a body that's bloated. Eww I'm nothing but an ogre.

No wonder no one likes me easily. No wonder the aunties always have something negative to comment about me. No wonder Sameer left me.

I can feel the tears roll down my face as I try to brush. My head hurts and I have that suffocating feeling too.

I'm here at Salima's house but I haven't told her yet because my niblings kept talking to me ever since I walked in. On normal days, them talking endlessly would've sounded sweet but today I am annoyed. I guess it's the bad mood that's making me feel irritated by everyone and everything around me.

Thank God, the kids have gone out to play now and Salima is finally here, seated with me, questioning me about the trip. Now is the time to tell her.

"It's over between me and Sameer, Sally" I tell her and I start crying. Salima looks shocked. "What do you mean? Like a breakup?" she asks.

I nod and tell her the whole story, including the Trinco drowning part. Her eyes are teary too after listening to everything.

"I know how you must be feeling right now but trust me Ilhaam, everything happens for a reason. You will definitely find someone better than him. You are a strong person and what you need is a man and not a mama's boy like that stupid Sameer. I never liked him much anyway. I just didn't want to tell you before because you seemed so happy. Never knew he treated you so badly" says Salima.

Typical of her to console any broken soul with her kindness. I don't think even she agrees with half of the things that she says.

I mean, obviously she can see how much of a mess I am, right? At this rate, in what world will I find someone better? Plus, Sameer was the best. There's no one better than him for me.

"I still love him, you know. I don't need anyone else. I wish I could just die" I say sobbing. She holds my hand and says, "I don't expect you to come out of this pain right-away. Take your time. But please don't say things like you want to die. He is not worth it. No man is worth your life. You are stronger than this. Now come, let me get you some food first."

I say 'no' to her and sit there and continue to cry when the kids enter the room. They ask me why I am crying. I tell them it's because I have a stomach ache and then they do the sweetest thing ever.

All of them raise their hands and pray to God to take away my pain and give me a group hug. Such cuties. They love me so much and I was annoyed with them. I am a heartless monster.

Because Salima and the kids insisted, I finally agree to eat. I still don't feel hungry though, which is weird because I've never gone without food for so many hours.

Maybe now is the time I start losing weight and the long-waited transformation takes place? Hmph! I just wish at least one good comes off it.

As Salima keeps serving food for me, I ask her, "Can I use your phone for a bit? I just need to check something." Yes, I want to check Sameer's socials so badly. I cannot do it via mine because I've blocked him.

She gives me the phone and I search for Sameer's profiles on Facebook and IG, but because of the privacy settings there's nothing much to see there.

I then save his number on her phone and open WhatsApp to see when he was active last, but strangely his number doesn't show up on WhatsApp at all.

He couldn't have blocked her because he doesn't even know her number. The only explanation is that he must have disabled WhatsApp on this number, which is weird.

I close WhatsApp and try calling his number directly via Salima's connection and it gives the erroneous message of "this number has been disconnected."

Wait, did he really do that? Honestly why would anyone get rid of a mobile connection because of a breakup? This is disgusting behavior!

Is he that scared at the thought of me contacting him again? Is he trying all possible ways to block me out of his life? Such a coward!

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This might be the most negative chapter in this book. I just had to do it because it's a scene soon after the breakup 😊🙏🏾

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