Okay, so I need to calm down. Why am I feeling all this heart-beating-faster and butterflies-in-the-stomach for a message from this dude? After all it's just Sameer. I mean it's true that I kind of like him. But he's not like my ultimate crush.

He's just a random 25-year old boy. A plain-faced guy with an ordinary job. Not the most good-looking. Not the richest. Not the most popular. Not the coolest. Like Simple Simon, he is Simple Sameer. He certainly doesn't fall within the fairytale Prince Charming category.

Anyway, do such heroes even exist? I don't know. Definitely no one around me is married to one. Every couple I know has some problem or other. No one has that perfect fairytale life that's described in books or shown in TV. Either the stories lied to me about the perfect life or I'm just surrounded by losers.

Somehow the point is that even though there's nothing strikingly special about Sameer I sort of like him. I don't know what it is. He's pleasant and looks like a guy that will make a good companion. Every time I look at his face — in pictures of course because he works abroad, I get this feeling that I should get to know him.

It's nothing serious by the way. Not in a I-want-to-fall-in-love-and-settle-with-him way but maybe just have heart-to-heart conversations with him. I rarely feel that about brown boys. It's so hard to come across one that you feel like talking to. Most of them are just outright silly and disgusting. But Sameer's different.

He's a good listener. Mostly I'm the one who listens to others' stories. It's like for the first time there's someone who listens to me speak.

I still remember how we started talking in my marketing class. I'm very introverted so I hardly speak to anyone. Even during breaks I sit alone and keep staring at my phone unlike all the extroverted kids that keep chatting endlessly and call it "networking" because apparently that's what marketers are supposed to do. I always spoke only to people who approached me first. Sameer was one of the few who did that.

One day I was there seated alone eating my chickpeas that I packed from home as part of one of my seriously-started-but-always-half-done diets, and I was pretending to work on my assignment when Sameer came, sat in front of me and started talking to me all so randomly. He started commenting about the assignment trauma, saw my chickpeas and asked why I was eating that and acted so shocked to hear I was that serious about dieting.

That semester I saw him a couple of times in class and we shared only smiles. Other than that we have messaged on WhatsApp a few times — only about assignments of course. All those times I didn't feel anything like this at all.

I mean, not even when he tried to comfort me when I was upset over not being able to submit an assignment on time — and he said that he would've written it for me if not for his work load. That was very comforting to hear even though I didn't know whether he himself was smart or dumb. Back then I appreciated him as a good classmate and nothing much.

This whole crush thing started like three weeks back when he moved to the Netherlands to work and started following me on Instagram. Okay, first of all, I know it's weird for a brown boy to choose the Netherlands. I mean why not the Middle East? That's where most of them go, isn't it?

I was very curious, so one day I messaged him asking this and soon after a couple of random chats BOOM! Ilhaam developed a crush on Sameer just like that. I mean despite the fact that he casually mentioned to me he has a girlfriend I still like him.

Maybe an overdose of romantic comedies does that to you or perhaps being pure single does it — like your heart starts racing when you speak to anyone because you haven't had any proper interactions with men other than with the boring ones at work!

So, because I realized I was developing a crush on him and felt morally bad about having feelings for a dude with a girlfriend, I stopped initiating chats from my side. Ever since then I only reply to him when he texts me first, which does not happen that often and that's why I feel elated right now seeing his name on screen.

Feeling disappointed with myself for being such a hopeless romantic, I click on the notification which reads, "Looks good on you 🤗". Right. So this is a response to my story of me in a polka dot abaya where my face is not even visible as it's a mirror selfie and the phone is covering my whole face. The moment I read it I start smiling.

Okay, this is stupid. But I'm smiling endlessly and I can't seem to stop it. Why is he complimenting me when all what I wanted was to flaunt my new clothes? Does he like me too?

Alright, calm down Ilhaam. He probably wanted to be just nice to me or maybe he's just angry with his girlfriend and he's trying to distract himself by flirting with someone else. I mean it could be anything. Just because he used the word "nice" it doesn't mean he likes me.

My mind splitting into two sides and arguing like this is typical. It's like one side of my brain is uncontrollably positive and the other is poisonously negative. Mostly the negative one overpowers. Whenever I'm happy, it fills my mind with all the negative reasons as to why I shouldn't rejoice.

I let my mind do what it does best and reply "Hahah thanks 😁" and expect him to just like my message and end the conversation but BOOM! My phone beeps and it's him again.

Thank God there's nobody else in the room because I'm still smiling like a fool. Ugh! Just when I thought I should stop obsessing over him, he does this. What's the point of all of this? He's just being a typical man and chatting with random girls — I'm sure I'm one of many!

But why am I acting like this? Shouldn't I be thinking of his girlfriend and avoiding it? I mean, yeah it's all very harmless chats about work, movies, music, TV shows and blah blah but still I don't think it's appropriate.

Now I get it! This is why my friends call me overly dramatic. Why am I thinking so hard if it makes me a little happy and as long as I know my limits there's nothing wrong right?

So I reply and we continue to chat about the most ordinary things ever but I'm happy and I'm smiling. I deserve it after the horrible time I spent with the aunties I say to myself.

I can see the aunties passing on looks at me for being on my phone the whole time. I'm sure they will have something to comment about this. They will probably tell mom that I'm being anti-social with relatives and she will advise me once we go home. It's okay. I don't care. At least not for the moment. Right now I'm occupied chatting with Sameer and that's all what matters.

By10:30 pm, mom finally says that we could leave and I book a cab. Brown families love to repeatedly bid goodbye to the same people moving to every corner of the house. So yeah the next 10 minutes we stand inside the rooms, the hall, at the door, at the gate and until we get into the cab my mom keeps talking to every aunty we meet and bids goodbye. I chat the whole time, even while inside the cab.

As we reach home it's 10:50 pm and I get a reply from Sameer that reads "Btw I gotta tell you something 😟".  What could this be? Why did he use a sad smiley? Is anything wrong? He didn't seem that with his previous replies.

I quickly respond "sure go ahead" but don't receive a quick reply like earlier. I change my clothes and check my phone, no reply. I go to the washroom and come back to check my phone, still no reply. I make my bed and check my phone, still no reply.

It's been more than two hours and still no reply. Okay I'm hating this now. This always happens. He just leaves abruptly. Why can't he just tell me if he's going to get busy?

Could he be having some problem and he wants to share it only with me because I'm a trustworthy friend? Nah, he probably fell asleep or found someone more interesting to talk to. I mean, how can one fall asleep within seconds like that? He was just messaging me and he's gone.

Oh God! I'm such a fool. I should've said goodnight and stopped chatting earlier itself.  This is embarrassing — I am embarrassing. Never going to have lengthy chats with this dude again! This is why I hate men. They only talk to you when they're bored. Stupid me! I should've known.

It's killing me to know what he was about to tell me. But I can't be waiting any longer. I have to sleep now or I will look like a zombie at work tomorrow. It's 1:00 am already.

But before that, let me just play my favorite toxic game — stalking IG influencers and contemplating on how pathetic my own life is! Since I'm feeling terrible already it's going to be bonus suffering to see them eating for free at posh restaurants, posing in their free branded clothes, getting all that attention on their posts which I crave for but never get!

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So what do you think Sameer wants to tell Ilhaam? 🤔 Let me know your thoughts in the comments below ♥️

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