I feel terribly sleepy. I've been up all night texting Sameer about my dislike over Aisha's interactions with him on IG. More like an argument. Yes, that's right — an argument because Sameer hasn't been responding like the other days.

He has been very defensive about it the whole time. And his replies have been terribly slow too. So, no matter how many hours I stayed up, the problem still remains unfixed.

The last text I sent was more than an hour ago and Sameer still hasn't replied. I keep rereading our conversation from last night again and again, trying to find whether I sounded too demanding.

Me: What's going on between u and Aisha?
Sameer: what do u mean?
Me: stop acting like a baby! It's all over IG
Sameer: I don't understand
Me: are u cheating me?
Sameer: 🙄
Me: respond!
Me: don't just send a stupid smiley!
Me: where the hell are u?
Me: can we get on a call for heaven's sake?
Sameer: not now
Me: why not?
Sameer: at work
Me: just 2 mins pls call me
Sameer: no
Me: I just need to ask u something
Sameer: text
Me: why are u updating sad posts on IG?
Me: aren't you happy with me?
Sameer: stop overthinking. Nothing about u
Me: I know
Me: it's about her
Me: that's why she has liked and commented
Sameer: 🤦🏻‍♂️
Me: what does that even mean?
Sameer: nothing
Me: just answer me
Sameer: there's nothing to say
Me: are u both back together?
Sameer: don't ask stupid questions
Sameer: Aisha got married. I told u already.
Me: yeah that's exactly my problem
Me: why is she still interacting with u even after marriage?
Sameer: stop overthinking
Me: why are your replies so late?
Me: are u messaging her too?
Sameer: are u seriously mad?
Sameer: I'm at work
Me: do u love me?
Me: just be honest
Sameer: yes
Me: u don't have to lie
Me: if u really want her, I will step back
Me: u both can live happily ever
Sameer: 🤦🏻‍♂️
Sameer: just go to bed
Me: I can't even trust u now
Sameer: 🙄
Me: see this is why I can't trust u
Me: u don't sound like other days
Me: u are not even trying to fix the prob
Me: I really love u Sameer
Me: I miss what we used to be
Me: why are u doing this to me?
Me: I'm going crazy
Me: I can't stop crying
Me: never thought u will treat me this way
Me: all for a bitch who ditched u
Sameer: what do u want me to do?
Me: block her
Me: do it if u really love me

I don't find anything wrong in what I said. Okay, except for the fact that I double-texted him 10 times within a minute like a psycho and called Aisha a "bitch", I don't think I did anything else wrong.

I mean, it wasn't my intention to call her a bitch. It's just that bitch rhymes well with ditch so I used it.

He says he still loves me but there is no response after asking to block her. So, is she more important than me? Would he be sending screenshots of my texts to her and would they both be having a good laugh at how desperate I am?

God! I can't stop these negative thoughts. Nor can I stop these tears from flowing and I'm also having a bad headache now.

It's 6:00 am and ideally I should be getting ready for work but I don't think I will be able to do it right now. All I can think of are the endless questions the infant might ask me if I go in with this sad face.

So I text James, "Good morning. I'm having a bad headache. Can I come in for a half-day?" and I receive a reply from him immediately, "No prob. Take the day off if u want. Tc 🙂"

Wow! James is so kind and very fast in replying too. I should've dated him instead of Sameer. If only he were single! I mean, I did have a crush on him initially when I joined but it all went away when I got to know he was a married man.

See, that is the difference between me and Aisha. I can't even get myself to crush on a guy after knowing his marital status whereas this woman is still trying to flirt with my man after getting married. Cheap and disgusting — that's what she is and if Sameer can't let her go, he belongs to the same category!

"Ilhaam why aren't you getting ready yet? No plans of going to work today?" I hear mom ask from the kitchen. Oh, what do I tell her now? I can't tell her the truth, can I? She will get hurt if she gets to know that the final chance of her imperfect daughter getting married is hanging by a thread.

After thinking hard to come up with a good lie, I say at last, "I have to work on my assignment mom. So, got a half-day." I expect her to just believe it and not ask further questions but to my horror I hear her walking towards my room. Oh crap! I can't let her see my puffy eyes.

"Are you alright?" asks mom. I try to fake smile as much as possible and say, "Yeah all good. Just stressed because of the assignment."

But I guess, I'm a terrible actress because mom doesn't let it go. She pats my head and asks once again, "Are you sure everything's fine? Is there any problem between you and that boy?"

God, this is crazy! How do brown mothers always find out your problems even when you don't tell them anything? Must be a special mom-power!

I wish I could tell her everything but she is worse than me when it comes to overthinking. I don't want to upset her unnecessarily. Plus, I don't have that friendly bond with mom to discuss my problems and sorrows with her.

In fact, I don't have that kind of bond with anyone. I've always been this person who locks up all my emotions within myself and suffers alone. Never the one to burden others with it.

So, I say, "Yeah, it's all good. Nothing to worry" with a wide fake-smile and this time I guess, she believes me or maybe she just wants to give me privacy, that she smiles back and walks out of the room.

I know this is height of desperation but I can't help myself from texting Sameer once again when he hasn't replied for almost two hours now. It's alright. I shouldn't have ego with the person I love, right?

So I send, "are you going to block her or not?" After a few minutes, my phone vibrates twice and it's from Sameer. One message saying, "ok" and the other a screenshot of Aisha's profile blocked.

Wow that was unexpected. I mean I do know that he loves me — there's no doubt in that.It's just that, at the rate we were arguing I didn't expect him to give in so easily.

Maybe I was being dramatic after all. If Aisha mattered to him even a bit, he would've hesitated to block her, right? This just shows how much he loves and values me. How did I even think of a breakup for such a small fight? I'm damn stupid! I hate myself sometimes for being this dramatic.

I can't stop smiling ever since I received that screenshot. He did that for me! Finally, I matter to someone in this world. Of course Sameer has not replied to my last message where I said, "Thanks babe! I love you ♥️" but I can imagine why he hasn't. He must be mad at me for pestering him so much over a minor issue.

I mean, now that I read the entire conversation once again, I do feel that I've been over-demanding. It was a little too much reaction from my side. So it's alright.

I will give him his time to get back to me with normal messages. Not going to annoy him anymore. And now that my headache has disappeared too, I should just get ready for work.

I arrive at work by 12 noon and Sameer still hasn't replied back. Should I text him randomly to see whether he is mad at me or should I just ignore?

He might be probably even asleep after his shift. I should not disturb him. Let him come back on his own. I just have to concentrate on work and not spoil anything now.

"Ilhaam, are you sure you are not coming on the trip?" asks the infant. Okay, this is like the umpteenth time he is asking this from me. He is apparently creating a list of all the people who are joining and that's why he wants this reassurance from me. I've been saying "no" ever since I walked in but for some reason he doesn't seem to take that for an answer.

"Seriously what do you want man? I told you already" I say. He types something on his laptop and says, "Take a look at this. Do you really want to miss this?" Okay, he has Googled images of Trincomalee beaches and I must admit these beaches look so beautiful and pristine.

Now, I am confused with my decision. Maybe I should just go. I mean things are alright with Sameer now, and initially that was one of the reasons why I wanted to stay back and wallow in my sadness. If I try really hard I can convince mom and dad. Perhaps Salima might be able to help.

"Wow" I exclaim and the infant asks, "So, you are coming now?" Okay I must not let the infant feel that I changed my mind solely because of his Google search. It will just give him an unnecessary ego boost.

"Wait, Google pictures always look nice. Let's do a location search on Instagram and look for posts updated by real people. And then, let me decide" I say and unlock my phone.

As soon as I go to the search bar on IG Explore, I realize that Sameer's name is not popping up at the top. Now, that's strange.

For the past few months it has been his name on top because the algorithm knows how much I stalk him, plus, today morning I did search for his profile. Then how can it go missing?

I type his name fully and finally it comes up but...the moment I open it, I get an error message saying, "User Not Found".

Wait, could this be what I think? Has he blocked me? Oh yes, for sure he has! But why? I thought we resolved things in the morning. I mean he blocked Aisha because I told him to, right?

Oh, that makes me think...has Aisha asked him to block me now?

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Looks like the end, doesn't it? 😞

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