trigger warning: suicide

Days felt like forever for San. He'd stay in bed as he waited for Wooyoung to get home. He'd hardly get up unless he needed to. He couldn't find it in himself to get out of bed. It was his comfort when Wooyoung was away. Every day he told himself, "Soon" Seeing the smile on Wooyoungs face every time he came home pushed him more to try and stay. But it quickly got harder to do. He'd cook best to his ability before his boyfriend would arrive to make it seem like he had a productive day.

Wooyoung didn't know San stopped working because he knew it was the end. San used to work in an office. He had a couple of friends he'd occasionally talk to here and there. Being surrounded by people made San feel anxious. He lost his ability to be social with them. The fake laughs and smiles were harder to show. So, San left and never came back. He couldn't bring himself to.

When Wooyoung had his off days San was at his happiest. Wooyoung was always tired and wanted to cuddle and San loved being able to spend time with Wooyoung even if the boy was asleep. San was so in love with him. Wooyoung was his star. He brightened the sans day with simply existing.

He walked across the room and took out a pen and paper.

Dear Wooyoung,

You're probably shocked and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for not being enough. As much as I love you, I simply can't find it in myself to keep being here. I don't want to be here anymore. it's so tiring.

I'm exhausted. I can never sleep properly so I looked at you to find a purpose. and I did, for nearly 6 months. Every time I saw you it helped me keep going. your laughs and smiles... helped me find a reason. I'll be honest these past weeks they haven't had the same effect. I'm so sorry my brain is against us.

I guess it's time I confess right? I haven't gone to work in over four months now. It was just draining for me. I never received help. I couldn't come to terms with accepting it and just let it eat me alive. It's not your fault. it's gotten to the point where no amount of help will get me out of this scary world I live in.

Please be happy for me. for finally being somewhere else. In another universe, we will be together. I'll be waiting for you to join me when your time comes. Please move on from me the best you can. Don't hold back for me. I'm sorry for lying.

I'll love you forever,
San

He put the paper in a drawer and moved back to bed where he fell asleep waiting for Wooyoung.

A couple of days later San woke up in a sweat. He couldn't do this anymore. He opened the drawer and took the note out placing it in a spot he hoped Wooyoung would look at. He went to the bathroom and fillies the tub up, he cried as he waited, his stomach hurt, and he felt himself start to burn up as more sweat trickled down his face. The water finally filled up so he hopped in and sat down.

"I love you," he said as he ducked down, holding himself till he could no longer breathe anymore.

wooyoung never found the note.