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*** Karis' POV***

Vance Teagan is a gift I just simply do not deserve to cherish. He is more than enough for me. However, I will never be everything he should have. I can not set myself up for the inevitable loss. It is better to come to terms with losing this early rather than wait until the destruction is far beyond what I can repair from.

Meeting Vance brought the pain of all of my failures back in full force. Every ounce of self-consciousness, insecurity and loathing weighed down on me as it revealed itself. While Vance unearthed the destruction, he continuously helped to sift through the rubble for anything that we could salvage. Vance did not merely open artificially closing wounds. He treated them with the intention of healing me.

Vance opened his heart, his world and his family to me. I disappointed the people that I was meant to impress. I can't be the reason that animosity builds in his circle. I refuse to be a liability in anyone's life other than my own.

That is why I had to walk away.

My departure seems sudden. I know the way it will look to him as if I am unable to handle the stress of his family. That is not the case. There has been so many red flags that Vance has chosen to ignore. I remember when I was the one who could not see past my own ambitions to clearly judge what was best for me.

Leaving is my way of saying I love you. I love you enough to know when I am not going to be the best for you. I love you enough to be better for you than being with you.

Sitting in this car, what is best for Vance seems inconsequential to my feelings. The love that I have for this new man is far heavier than any love I have ever felt. The loss seems monumental in comparison to the loss of my marriage, myself or even the lives that I tried to create without being able to fully bring them to term. Losing Vance seems like it may eventually kill me.

I am already hurting in places that I do not remember existing. My eyes well with tears once again for a love that I will not ever see fully develop. The time I will lose in Vance's arms feels like time that I had saved up for Vance, for him alone.

All of my desires, dreams and ambitions seem an easy price to pay to be back in his embrace. However, I was never the one who would be at a loss if I were to stay. No, I would always be unequally yoked to a man that emits perfection in everything he does.

Why does it seem as though what is best for you is never what you deserve to have? Maybe it is just me. I can not be the reason somebody else ever feels like I have always felt. I can not be the reason why Vance will always work harder to make me stronger just so I can stay in his life.

Being weak has always been my fear. Sitting here, I can see that weakness leads to breaking. Breaking leads to destruction. What happens when all that you ever are is a mess with no hope of ever becoming a semblance of what you had always desired to be?

I guess you find yourself crying in your car in the middle of the afternoon after finally doing the right thing.

A long time passes as I feel regretful for the time that I have taken. I have wasted precious moments when Vance could have been pouring himself into someone more capable of fulfilling his goals. By now, he may even have had a girlfriend. He could possibly be on his way to a child.

I shift the car in reverse, carefully watching my rear view mirror. As I turn back onto the highway, I move in the direction that I came from. Even if Vance had decided to come for me, by now he would be long gone. It is for the better.

With watery eyes, I slowly take the road home. I don't bother to wave at others as I pass through town. Keeping a low profile, I simply focus on getting to my house. I want the comfort of my walls to protect me from my terrible choices. I want a reason to neither be seen nor heard.

Once in my own yard, I step away from the car. The stone pathway to my door is unscathed from the days in which I have not been here. Honestly, it has been a while since I occupied my own home. I always stayed with Vance. His place was just easier, more inviting.

As I flick the lights on, I take notice. Not much has changed. A new layer of dust, that I will probably ignore, sits on the furniture. The smell of stale air freshener is neither inviting nor repelling. Everything just is. It has been absolutely fine in my absence, just the way that Vance will eventually be.

After locking my doors, adjusting the temperature and turning on the television I decide to change. I find my yoga pants, my large t-shirt and a pair of socks to slip into. Before I know it, I am sitting on my couch with my bra flying across the room. It hits the wall with a soft thud before sliding down to land on the chair. I must admit; I have always loved the freedom of taking off my bra.

The feeling of loneliness comes in uncomfortable waves. Missing Vance comes harshly to remind me of the loss. I sit in silence with the television screen only flickering with the inflection of voices that I have on mute. I can't bring myself to care what is actually playing. I'm too busy welcoming the pain in hopes that the sooner it comes, the sooner it will depart.

That is how it happens, right? God, I hope so.

My phone alerts me of a text. Seeing one of my least favorite contacts show up, I roll my eyes. I do not have time for Christopher today. Actually, I do. Truthfully, I am not going to waste my time. I do believe I have expended enough energy to the man. I do not want to give another ounce to someone who once found me so undeserving of both time and attention.

My phone rings. The ringtone tells me it is not Christopher. It is Rex. I knew this was coming. I can't. I won't. I have tried desperately not to bring the loss of my best friend into this equation. Now, thinking on it only brings me more displeasure. I am losing so badly.

The selfish part of me wants to abandon this plan of being chivalrous. That part screams obscenities at me, hoping to guide me back to everything that has become my new world. I do not want to be so weak that I find myself back in Vance's arms. To do so would only mean that I am no longer the person who I have always prided myself on being. In everything, I have always been a a genuine person. If I choose myself over Vance, I have finally lost the only part of me that I have managed to keep. I am selfless. I am giving. I am caring. I will not allow my desires to lead me down a path that changes that part of me.

On cue, my phone chimes in with another alert. Holding the buzzing technology in my hand, I press ignore, sending Finn straight to voicemail. I am actually quite impressed that Vance hasn't contacted me, yet. I have no doubt where he is or at least where he has been. For now, I know that he is safe.

I put my phone on silent before deciding on a nap. Crying is exhausting. I would be wise to rest up before tomorrow. Monday always sucks. I am positive tomorrow will be one of my worst yet.

I wake to the sound of my phone hitting the ground. I can not bother to reach for it at this moment. The dream that I have been awakened from is too real for me to ignore. I only hope that it is more a delusion that has resulted from the weight of today and less reality than it feels like.

The dream has shaken me to my core. Inside of my world of sleep I could see Vance moving towards someone. Looking past him, I saw her. She was not me. Her long, dark hair and thin limbs were nothing like I am. The girl had a beauty that I could only pray to rival. I remember how deeply it hurt to see him take her hand.

I clutch my chest as the extremely real pain of loss burns through me. As if my heart is begging, I feel the sudden pounding of my most vital organ as it threatens to burst from my chest. How could a stupid dream make me feel so completely unraveled? Hours ago I was completely okay with just moving forward and away from Vance. Right now, all I want is a solution that ends with Vance taking my hand.

My legs refuse to work with my brain while I attempt to move off of my couch. I compromise, sliding to the floor until my back rests against my sofa. Inching my fingers towards my phone, I tap the screen to make it stop ringing. The number that I decline is one that I definitely will not be returning. Why the hell would Christopher call? If I ignore your text, there is a good chance that I will not be answering your call.

Her symmetrical face comes back into view as my mind vividly reminds me of Vance's dream lady. I cringe. Her perfect smile, shining eyes and long black hair are pleasing on the eyes. Vance's arm wraps around her waist, pulling her into his side. The kiss that he places on her temple makes me hurt inside. I remember those kisses. I can feel the burn of his lips that were on my flesh just hours ago.

My fingers dance across my phone screen. I can see what I am doing. I shouldn't be texting Vance. I need to leave him alone. Just as fast as the words appeared, they disappear. I lock my phone feeling a little better now that I avoided making this mess that I am in any bigger.

Finally able to move, I stand up. I look around my house at everything that is in its place. I guess I can knock cleaning off of my list of distractions. The place is immaculate sans the dust bunnies. I always wanted a pet. The bunnies can stay.

The kitchen calls my name. I quickly find myself staring in to the refrigerator with rolling eyes. This has always been my shortcoming. I never seem to have food. Apparently, I believe that I can live on oxygen. Honestly, Vance took care of the food for me. His incessant need to keep me filled was something that made my life just a little easier. He was good at meeting all of my needs. I am going to miss that.

With little to do but take a shower, I make my way into the bedroom. It does not take long until I am leaning against the tile walls letting the water wash away my anxiety for just a few minutes. I attempt to take as long as humanly possible. When my feet wrinkle, causing the shower floor to feel unstable beneath my toes, I decide I must exit my shower to return to the reality that I have created. My bed invites me to cry inside of my pillows. This is an offer I will not refuse. It is odd to me that we create the situations that destroy us, yet we neither stop ourselves from doing so nor have a decent way to fix our mistakes. My eyes close once my covers are wrapped around my body. I hope that tomorrow is not as bad as I expect.