Young Axl

——

I couldn't help but pause when I saw the man at my door.

It had been a year since I'd seen him in person. He looked good. He had since grown a healthy beard, and his hair had recently been trimmed. He wore a crisp white t-shirt and a freshly pressed pair of blue jeans. He was the picture of put together.

His eyes, however, revealed an underlying misery that had clearly taken its toll and had since been reigned back in. Until now.

My niece chose this moment to squeal as her chunky little legs carried her from the kitchen to my side. I swiftly hoisted her onto my hip as she babbled away, clearly excited we had a guest at the door.

The man's eyes widened as he looked on. It was clear he was perplexed.

"She's my niece," I stated, making sure to clear up any confusion he had silently been squandering in.

My niece babbled again, before squirming in my arms, clearly wanting to be put down. I set her on her feet, and she took off, back into the kitchen.

I sighed as the the man cleared his throat.

"Why are you here, Axl?"

His piercing blue eyes squinted slightly as he peered behind me, into my home.

"Can I come in?" He asked, his eyes trailing their way back to my face.

I stepped aside, and he brushed past me slightly. The familiar smell of cigarettes and cologne wafted into my nose briefly, and my chest clenched. He smelled the same.

Axl was clearly still familiar with the layout of my home, as he headed directly into the kitchen, where my niece had decided to play with her blocks.

As soon as she spotted him, she began babbling again, clapping her pudgy hands together. Axl offered the small girl a tight smile.

"I'm about to put her down for a nap, if you'd rather wait."

Axl nodded his head softly, squatting down to the level of my niece and stacking a small tower of blocks. The girl squealed in delight and held up another block for Axl to add on. He obliged.

"What's her name?" He asked, nodding and smiling as the girl babbled nonsense to him.

"Elizabeth," I replied. Axl looked up at me briefly, raising an eyebrow before returning his attention to the babbling girl. His face became instantly more animated as he played along with her. "Angie left her at my door about 8 months ago—she went to rehab, apparently—so I've been taking care of her."

"By yourself?" He asked, his tone concerned, but his face still grinning for my niece, who decided to take his face in her hands and headbutt his forehead.

"Mostly. Mom babysits while I work, so I can pay bills and buy diapers and stuff," I replied, shuffling slightly. I was becoming uncomfortable with Axl asking so many questions. I didn't want him to take pity on me.

He was quite aware of how unpredictable my sister was. He knew damn well that my sister wasn't in rehab—she was probably strung out in some dark shed, too doped up to form coherent thoughts.

I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck.

"Do you want something to drink? I have water, milk, and grape juice."

Axl shook his head, cooing in response to my niece's babbling.

My heart clenched in my chest.

If we hadn't broken up, maybe it would be our kid he was playing with.

Axl looked at me then, and I knew from the way his eyes pierced into mine, he was thinking the same.

Elizabeth squealed then, using Axl's hand to pull herself onto her feet. She ran over to me, putting her hands up and flexing her fingers in a grabbing motion.

I smiled slightly, picking her up.

"Are you ready for a nap?" I asked her, and she nodded, rubbing her eyes. She babbled a little, and I nodded.

I shot Axl an apologetic look.

"I'll be right back."

He stood, and I turned away, heading down the hallway and into my room which harboured Elizabeth's crib as well.

I laid my niece in her crib and tucked her blanket around her. In doing so, her paci was revealed to me, so I popped it in her mouth. She sucked on it contentedly, her eyes shuddering closed.

Fortunately, she was an easy baby to put down, and she wouldn't wake up for two hours unless I woke her up.

Letting out a sigh, I turned to exit the bedroom and paused.

Axl leaned against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest as he watched me. His eyes were unreadable.

I swallowed thickly. He wanted to talk to me before Elizabeth distracted him. And now Elizabeth was no longer a distraction.

As I stepped closer to the doorway, Axl straightened up, leading the way back into my kitchen. He sat at the table—in his usual spot—and I followed suit.

"What did you want to talk to me about, Axl?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

No matter how neutral his facial expression was, his eyes always revealed his true feelings. He pitied me. Just because he saw a glimpse of my life, I would not let him pity me and take it upon himself to take care of me. I was doing just fine without him.

"I came to apologise to you. I'm sorry for the man I was a year ago."

I sighed, uncrossing my arms and resting my fists on the table.

"You couldn't have apologised over the phone?"

Axl shook his head slowly, leaning forward.

"I wanted to do it in person. I wanted you to see that I'm serious. I'm doing the work to fix my problems. I'm seeing a shrink, taking medicine. I'm working hard to be a better man." Axl eyed me earnestly, watching my expression for any sign of a response.

I sighed tiredly, crossing my arms over my chest again as I leaned back in my chair.

"What do you want me to say, Axl? I'm glad you're getting help, obviously, but what do you expect me to say? Why'd you come and tell me all of this?"

Axl clenched his jaw, closing his eyes. I could tell he was irritated that I wasn't saying what he wanted me to, that I wasn't understanding what he was trying to tell me. It was obvious his apology had an underlying meaning, but I didn't know what it was.

After a moment, he opened his eyes, slight irritation burning within them.

This was good. He was controlling his anger, which was something he hadn't been able to do as well before.

"I don't have anything since...,"

Axl closed his eyes, clenching his jaw again.

"...since you don't have me."

Axl opened his eyes. The irritation in them bled into relief.

"How did you...?"

I leaned forward, folding my hands together.

"I know all your songs, Axl. You forget that I was there when you wrote most of them."

He laughed, but it wasn't out of amusement.

"Yeah. You were my muse for all of them. Still are."

I narrowed my eyes slightly. There was something he wasn't telling me. He didn't come here just to apologise and reminisce. He came here for some other reason.

I sighed.

"Why did you really come here, Axl?"

It was his turn to sigh.

"I miss you like crazy. I'm lonely without you. The only place I can find you is in my heart. But it's not enough anymore. I had to see you in person. I had to see you for real. Pictures and memories just don't do you justice."

I was speechless.

Did I miss Axl? Of course I did. The world felt as if it was turning sluggishly, my days ran together, my stresses were overbearing without him. But I had grown used to it all. I had to. I had to get through it for Elizabeth. My sister certainly wasn't going to take care of her child, so I had to.

I was certainly proud of Axl for getting the help he needed. God knows he shouldn't have waited so long, but I couldn't give in to him just because he was working on himself and I never stopped loving him.

Axl was waiting for me to say something. I knew by the furrow in his brow as he watched me silently mull over his words. The silence lengthened and still, I had no words to express the feelings and emotions I held. But I had to say something.

"I miss you too, Axl, but I can't let you hurt me again. I have to think of Elizabeth now. It doesn't matter how I feel; it matters that Elizabeth is taken care of."

His expression became slightly crestfallen, but it was quickly replaced by a look of determination.

"What if I prove to you that I'm getting better?" He asked, leaning closer to me.

I sighed.

"How would you do that?"

His eyes squinted slightly in determination.

"Let me babysit Elizabeth."

"Absolutely not."

He sighed, leaning back in his chair.

"Just one hour. I can call you if anything happens. You won't have to pay me. This can be the way I prove that my anger management is getting better."

Elizabeth chose that moment to cry, and I secretly rejoiced. However unusual it may have been for her to do so, she always knew when I needed a distraction. I made a mental note to give her a cookie as a thanks for saving me from this conversation.

I stood up quickly.

"I'll let you know, Axl."

Axl stood as well, following me as I went to the fridge to get a bottle. I pursed my lips.

"You've got to be stressed out and tired. You need a break from the kid, from work, from worrying about everything else but you. Please," be pled, using his body to block me from heading to the crying infant.

His keen eyes pierced into mine as his expression changed from determination to pity. He pitied me again.

I closed my eyes tightly, a frustrated sigh escaping my pursed lips.

"I told you, Axl. I'll let you know," I responded, opening my eyes and levelling the ginger with a frustrated glare. He backed away from me finally, allowing me room to head into the hallway.

"Fine. Just call me," he remarked.

I paused. A year ago, we wouldn't have even gotten this far without something being thrown or smashed or voices being raised. The man had unintentionally proven that he was doing better.

I faced him, regarding the silently angry man approvingly.

"It was good to see you again, Axl. I mean it. I'm proud of you," I told him.

I didn't stick around to see his reaction, as Elizabeth's cries picked up again.