SINCE I'VE TOLD JASPER the truth about my past, he's stayed insistently glued to my side. Truthfully, it's hard, knowing he now knows the secret and messy parts of my life I've worked so long to keep hidden away, but I am very grateful for his choosing to stay.

Right now, I'm sandwiched between Jasper and Willie as we watch our third Disney movie of the day, all cozied up in pajamas and blankets. Jasper's arm is loosely strung around my shoulders, but Willie is growing increasingly fidgety. I can tell his attention span is giving out.

"Why don't you go upstairs and play with your toys for a bit, buddy?" I ask, ruffling his curly blonde mop of hair.

"Okay, Leckthie!" he exclaims, sounding relieved. He pauses before he goes, looking unsure for a moment, and then timidly says, "I love you."

My heart does a happy dance. He rarely says that out loud to people. "I love you too, Willie Banilli," I tell him.

He quickly dashes away right afterward, looking slightly embarrassed, but I know in my heart that he meant it. And that means something to me.

"That was sweet," Jasper notes once Willie's gone upstairs.

I blush. "Yeah, it was."

He wrings his hands together, eyebrows creased like he has something to say but isn't sure he should say it. "Can I ask you something?" he finally blurts.

I shoot him a questioning look. "Yeah?"

He looks uncomfortable. "When you explained yesterday that it's hard for you to trust guys because of . . . what happened . . . What made you feel like you could trust me? Like, what was different about me?"

I smile. "Easy. You were always so kind and patient with me. When you tried to get me to open up and I pushed you away, you didn't push back. And—have you met yourself? You're the most genuine, caring human I know. Australia will be lucky to have you."

He rests his head on my shoulder, sandy brown hair tickling my neck. "Thank you, Lex. I just wish I could help you more."

I use the hand of the arm he's not leaning on to stroke his head soothingly. "You helped more than you think. You got me to talk to Aunt Colleen yesterday, and now she's not going to rest until I'm better."

I exhale a sigh as I mentally relay our conversation yesterday. Telling the truth to Aunt Colleen was no easy feat. It was sad, and awkward, and painful. There were tears.

And the biggest weight was lifted off of my shoulders afterward.

For so many years, I suppressed the truth from her because I thought it was protecting her. But in reality, it just added to her pain and confusion as to why I was so closed off. When the truth finally surfaced, she had something that would allow her to understand why I am the way I am: context. And now, she better knows what she can do to help me move forward.

I have an appointment to talk to a therapist in a week. At first, I felt bad about money, but Aunt Colleen said she wasn't taking no for an answer. Now that she knows exactly what it is that I need help overcoming, she'll see to it that I overcome it.

I really am thankful for my aunt.

"Can you promise me something?" Jasper asks, lifting his head from my shoulder to look me in the eye.

I don't hesitate. "Anything."

A gloomy expression shadows his face. "Promise you won't do anything to hurt yourself. And that you'll fully live your life when I'm gone. I don't want to be the reason you're not enjoying senior year, Lex."

A few weeks—days—ago, an enjoyable senior year without Jasper wasn't within the realm of possibility. But that was before the world gave me back Meredith, and introduced me to Noah. Before I saw the look of first heartbreak, then determination on Aunt Colleen's face when I told her what my dad and his friends did to me. Before little Willie told me without prompting that he loves me.

If you revolve your entire world around a single person, you're doomed to a life of disappointment and heartbreak, because no single person can live up to your every hope and need all the time. People are fleeting. Only your soul is static, so you better know how to dance through life to the tune of it.

I'm not there yet, but I'd like to learn how to get to that point eventually.

"I promise," I say softly, nuzzling against my best friend.

He nudges me gently while Ariel sings about wanting to be part of the human world. Yeah, okay, Ariel. "Hey, remember that time my blood sugar got really low that day my mom had to take Champ to the vet, and you had to walk me to the nurse since I got all lightheaded and dizzy in gym class? Remember how she asked me all about my diabeetus?"

I laugh. One of Jasper's biggest pet peeves in life, being diabetic, is people who mispronounce the word "diabetes." His response is amusing every time.

"Yeah, I remember. You looked her dead in the eye and said, 'What's that?'"

He laughs in reminiscence. "She says it that way every time I have to go to the nurse's office. And she's so uptight about everything. It's too hard not to joke about it."

We fall into comfortable silence for a while, watching The Little Mermaid, and something new plagues my mind.

"Do you remember that tree you took me to at the beginning of the month?" I randomly ask.

He slowly nods, watching me curiously.

"I went back there the other day. Two days ago, actually. I just started yelling and freaking out, which led to writing. I used to do that a lot, back before I met you. It was kind of nice to get everything out on paper instead of internalizing it."

"So keep writing," he says.

It's odd, having such a raw, unfiltered conversation. It feels weirdly good. Jasper isn't acting like I'm some freak, he's acting like I'm just . . . me.

"Write to me," he adds. "I'll keep every letter."

I cock an eyebrow at him. "Aren't you sentimental."

"Only when it comes to my person," he says.

Unable to help myself, my mouth spreads into an easy smile. Almost as if on instinct, Jasper's finger pokes the indent where my dimple sits.

"God, I love your smile," he says. "People are suckers for dimples. So smile more, dork."

I snort in response, and start to say something back, when Aunt Colleen's voice interrupts.

"Hey, guys," she says in a soft voice, holding out a plate of warm cookies. "I just made some sugar free cookies; do you guys want any?"

This, admittedly, will take some getting used to. Aunt Colleen has been walking on eggshells around me ever since I opened up to her, like if she says anything too harsh, I'll shatter right then and there. It's sweet that she's so caring, but I really wish she'd go back to normal and stop talking to me like I'm a frail post-surgery patient who needs catered to.

Although I guess that this is hard for her too, and something both of us will have to work on sorting through together. There's no parenting book on what to do when your niece who you've taken in as your own comes to you and says that she was child molested.

I glance at Jasper, and he sighs. "I would love one, Colleen, but I ate something about an hour ago and my blood sugar is still a little high so I really shouldn't be eating right now."

"Oh, right, of course." Her smile falters a little, and I can tell she feels bad.

"I'll take one," I say, feeling guilty at Aunt Colleen's deflated expression. She hands me one and I take a bite. "So good. Thank you!"

She smiles. "Of course, sweet Lex. I'll go now so you two can watch your movie in peace." She pauses to see what we're watching, and her lips twitch. "You know you don't have to keep watching Disney movies for Willie's sake, right?"

I shoot Jasper an amused look. "We know. The soundtrack is just so catchy."

His face grows a little red in response. Aunt Colleen shakes her head and smiles privately in a way that says these dorks.

Once Aunt Colleen is gone, I fall back against the couch laughing at the look on Jasper's face.

"You're really not going to let me live that down, are you?" he groans.

"Nah," I say.

"Maybe I should tickle you right now, would it still be funny then?"

The smile I'm wearing drops, and I look at him, panicked. "Jasper, don't—Jasper!"

Of course, the idiot has me pinned down and is doing the single thing I hate that he loves. Uncontrollable laughter sputters out of me, and I do my best to shove him off, to no avail.

"Why must you—" cue laughter "—always do this to me?!"

He finally lets up, and I remain gasping for breath, bright-eyed and rosy-cheeked. "You're the worst."

He smiles proudly. "Now we're even."

I roll my eyes and finally tune back into the movie, though my mind is a million miles away from under the sea. No, my mind is stuck somewhere in space, and I feel like a star looking down on my own life. If something terrible happened yesterday, and my life truly did end like I thought I wanted it to, I wouldn't have this happy moment right here with Jasper. Willie wouldn't have been able to have told me that he loves me. I would never see Meredith or Noah or Quinn or Olivia or even Cass and James working at Europa again. I'd never get my high school diploma, or read another book, or write another poem.

Why would I ever wish all of those good things away?

Yesterday, my life felt so heavy, I thought the only solution was to throw it all away and give up. But maybe there's a better way. Maybe there are other people who are willing to help shoulder the burden with me. I just need to let them in.

author's note:

NEW COVER WHO DIS. lemme know if yall dig the new cover or if you prefer the old one (which is on my old computer and i cant really get back at this time so srry if that's your pick) or alternatively if you're just like brilliant at making covers and wanna make me an even better one feel free to do that (i tried to make a cute one ok)

as always, let me know your thoughts, opinions, deepest desires, biggest secrets, possible murder alibi ideas, u know, just typical friendly things <333 i'm in a really goofy mood right now if you can't tell because i've been sitting in my apartment all day (wow i feel like such an adult saying that) and am super bored/restless from lack of human contact.

but anyway, our girl lexi is finally onto the healing phase! obvs this is going to be very up/down because healing is rarely linear, but hopefully you can see the shifting mindset that she has. so proud <3 have a wonderful week lovely humans! xx