THE TRUTH ABOUT WAITRESSING is that usually, it is completely and utterly, soul-wrenchingly draining.

Most of the time, you're tripping over yourself with anxiety about getting more napkins to table A meanwhile making a mental note to bring a drink refill to table B while the pager in your apron keeps passive aggressively buzzing from the kitchen, alerting you that it's time to run food to your especially impatient table C. None of these tables remotely understands or cares that they're not the only ones I can cater to at all moments of the night, and if my smile wavers for even a second, there goes any shot of a decent tip.

But it's good money, so I do my best to persevere through.

Tonight has been particularly taking it all out of me. I nearly spilled a cup of soup on an elderly gentleman who was not amused by the little quip I reflexively made about my saving it in the nick of time. The mom at one of my other tables has been particularly demanding, and stares at me like I'm incompetent every time I speak to her. Another of my tables keeps wanting to talk my ear off, which is making my other tables irritated that I'm not a superhero capable of cloning myself to accommodate their immediate needs. As if it's my fault that I have an especially chatty family that keeps holding me up.

I keep scanning the room to catch sight of Jasper, just to ground myself a little bit and remember that he's suffering just as much as I am, but every time I see him, he looks a lot less stressed than I feel. He's currently leaned up against the wall near the kitchen, chatting with another of the servers and wearing an easy smile.

"Um, excuse me, miss, can we please get our check?" the dad at the table with the bossy mom asks as I walk past, causing me to jerk my attention away from Jasper.

"Sure! Let me just grab some of these plates out of your way," I say, putting on my fake cheerful waitress persona, and accepting their dirty dishes from them like they're the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me. God, the restaurant industry is seeping with fakeness.

I run the dishes, caked in gooey gravy and mashed potato chunks, to a bus tub, and find an open computer to print their receipt from. While I'm typing in my passcode to log into the system, a feeling on my shoulder causes me to jolt with a start.

"Hanging in there, Lex?" Olivia asks, sending me a sympathetic look.

"I'm okay," I muse, wishing this was the truth.

She starts rubbing my shoulder comfortingly. "You got this, girly. Don't let any douchebag customers get in your head. You is kind. You is smart. You is important," she begins ticking off, quoting from The Help like she sometimes does when she can tell I'm stressed.

I shoot her an appreciative smile. "Thank you, Liv."

"Also, come find me later when the dinner rush dies down. I still have to tell you about my date with Quinn." She sends me a suggestive smirk.

Somehow, this does make me feel marginally better. It gives me something to look forward to during the bleak and endless abyss that is customer service.

I run the check to my bossy table, ask my chatty table if they're liking their meals okay, and then circle back to the refuge that is the backroom by the kitchen.

Jasper comes beside me and rests his head on my shoulder. "I'm tired," he murmurs, voice muffled against my shoulder.

I give him an awkward pat. "There, there."

He retracts his head from my shoulder to step back and assess my expression. "You doing okay?"

The only thing for me to do is nod. "I'm good, J."

"That wasn't a very enthusiastic answer!" he exclaims pointedly. "Aren't you just thrilled to be running meals to sunburnt tourists with an entitlement complex?! I know I'm having the time of my life!"

I shake my head and roll my eyes. "Yeah, okay, buddy." Before he gets another word out, I turn to head back to my table to see if they're ready with their check.

Soon after collecting my table's check, scanning their card and returning the final receipts, and wishing them a wonderful rest of their night, the front hosts are quick to clear and wipe down the table and seat the next batch of customers.

I pull self-consciously at my shirt when I see that it's a group of four girls somewhat around my age, all tan from the sun and clad in cute sundresses. For some reason, it's the people my age who always intimidate me the most, even though usually the older demographics are the ones that have a track record of being problematic, in my experience.

It's just uncomfortable, waiting on people who are probably old enough to be my classmates.

"Hi guys, my name's Lexi and I'll be helping you all this evening. Can I start you off with anything to drink?" I recite my same old mantra.

A girl with raven black hair and olive skin is the first to speak. "Listen. You seem great and all, but is there any way we can switch servers so we have that guy over there? He is cute."

My eyes follow her index finger and lands on none other than Jasper, talking obliviously to his own table. I curl a fist into my side, getting irrationally jealous.

"We don't really do that here, I'm sorry," I say nervously. It's true, though; we can't mess up the rotation, otherwise everything gets thrown out of whack. "Not unless you're family or a close friend."

Raven-haired girl arches an eyebrow. "Well, you can make an exception, right? Girl code, and all that."

Oh boy. This girl is not letting up.

"I don't think so, I'm sorry," I stutter. "He has a bunch of tables right now, so I don't think adding another one to his plate is a good idea."

"Well, can you, like, at least tell him to come talk to us?" a different girl, this one with bright blonde hair, queries. "We have a bet going to see which one of us can get him to give us his number."

"I don't really think he'd be interested in that," I say automatically.

Raven-haired girl openly rolls her eyes. "Don't be jealous. We just want one night of fun with him, and then we'll be heading back home next week."

The idea of these girls trying to get in my Jasper's pants makes my blood boil. "Look, he doesn't really do that, I'm sorry. He's my best friend and I know him really well; he doesn't believe in one night stands with girls."

The blonde girl laughs. "Aw, that's so cute. She thinks she has a chance with him!"

My stomach drops when the other three girls join in on her laughter. I've never exactly been bullied, but this is a pretty good taste of what it must feel like. These girls must be the queen bees of whatever school they attend, wherever they're from.

Eventually, they let up and give me their drink orders, and things get even more awkward when I have to card them for ordering alcohol and their IDs claim that they're all from different states. It's painfully evident that they're using fake IDs, but I'm not the confrontational type, and they all stare at me with domineering looks, daring me to question them.

After I punch in their illegal drink orders, I head to the women's bathroom to gather my wits before I have a nervous breakdown. I lean against the sink and breathe in deeply, trying to remind myself that these are just a particularly nasty set of customers, and that their assessment of me does not define my worth.

But try as I might, the idea doesn't stick.

Who am I to think that I am remotely worthy of Jasper Reynolds? Every girl that meets him thinks he's amazing, and yet I somehow believe that, of all people, I'm the one who he deserves?

My mind flashes to a memory I wish that it wouldn't. This is good training for you, Alexandra, a man who reeked of substances I couldn't even name at the time purred in my ten-year-old ear. The only future for you, kid, is prostitution. Consider this a free one month trial.

A disgusted shiver runs through my body. The most Jasper has ever done with a girl is get a little handsy while making out. Those girls out there don't deserve to be with someone that pure. But neither do I.

Okay, I tell myself, staring into my dull blue eyes in the fingerprint-streaked mirror. Stop worrying about Jasper. He's leaving. Worry about getting through this night. You can do this. You have to.

My silent pep talk lacks both inspiration and any morsel of self-love, but it's enough to get the job done. It's like a switch is flipped and I dissolve into autopilot mode the remainder of the evening dinner rush, disassociated yet productive. It may not be a healthy coping mechanism, but I've long surpassed anything that's mentally healthy.

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I'm distractedly going through the motions of my side work when Olivia approaches me again.

"Lex! I gotta fill you in on my date now," she says, her voice way more chipper than it usually is at this point in the night.

It takes a lot of mustering of energy to look excited. It's not that I'm not interested, just emotionally drained. And maybe a little jealous that things are lining up so perfectly for Olivia and Quinn, meanwhile my world is collapsing in on itself, condensing into a black hole of nothingness.

Sometimes, it's just hard to be happy for other people's triumphs when you yourself are in the midst of drowning.

"Yeah! Tell me everything," I say, keeping my eyes purposefully trained on the lemons I'm slicing.

She assumes a spot beside me and starts rolling silverware. "You know how I used to always get annoyed at everyone here for making fun of me and Quinn because I was so not into him?" She pauses for a beat. "Yeah, I'm officially and completely into him."

I offer her a smile. "That's great, Liv. What changed?"

She lets out a deep sigh and shakes her head, eyes bright and full of wonder. "You know, Lex, I've settled for some pretty awful guys in my lifetime. The guys from Abilene High are pretty much all duds, and the guys in college don't get much better. I kind of let boys be mean to me because I assumed that was all the world had to offer. But Quinn . . . he's just so genuinely kind and caring. I've never experienced anything like it. He even did the whole coming to my door to meet my parents, opening my car door, bringing flowers, all that romantic junk that I usually make fun of. But when he does it, it makes me feel like I deserve that sort of treatment, you know? He makes me feel like I matter."

I raise my eyebrows at her. "'Does'? As in, you've been on more than one date?"

She grins, but the sudden rosiness of her cheeks does not go undetected. "Yeah, we've been hanging out pretty much every night since the first time he took me out."

"I'm so happy for you!" I say enthusiastically. "He's a really sweet guy."

"I think," she starts with a solemn tone, picking at her words slowly and meticulously, "that the reason I wanted to convince myself that I wasn't interested in him was because we go to different colleges. Every relationship I've ever been in was centered around the physical stuff, you know? The idea of being in a long-distance relationship focused primarily on the emotional stuff was new territory, and I didn't want to go there. But it's like, for the first time, I'm with someone who sees me, and that's so much more meaningful than the physical bits. He listens to me ramble about all my mess and he pays attention. And I guess I'm telling you all of this partly because I'm excited and needed to fill you in, but also because I'm afraid you'll repeat my mistakes and allow yourself to settle for a life of mediocrity with a boy who doesn't give a rip about you. You deserve better than that, and I'm just telling you that that kind of goodness exists. I'm sure you see it in Jasper." She pauses to look me square in the eyes. "Settle for no less than a Jasper Reynolds."

My heart wrenches. "I'll try," I say in a feeble voice. "Thank you, Liv. You're a really good person. So is Quinn. The two of you make an awesome match."

She leans forward and gives my shoulder a squeeze. "Think about what I said. I can't look out for you anymore when I go back to school in a couple days, so I'm trying to have a teaching moment. Listen to your wise old coworker, young pupil."

I wrinkle my nose. "'Pupil' is a weird word."

Olivia laughs, her tropical blue eyes crinkling. "Well, you're not wrong."

Suddenly, Jasper appears behind us. "What are you girls laughing at?' he enquires nosily.

Olivia whirls around and shoots him a lazy smirk. "Wouldn't you like to know, Reynolds. I'm gonna go sweep my section; I'll leave you two lovebirds to it." She winks at me before retreating, and I go back to cutting lemons to hide my blush.

"Lovebirds?" Jasper ponders aloud.

I shrug. "She and Quinn are finally dating, so she thinks she can pester us now, I guess."

"Ah," he says.

I remain quiet, focused on finishing my side work as quickly as possible so I can go home and sleep.

"You look really sleepy," Jasper points out. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," I mumble. "I'm good. Just exhausted."

I decide to leave out the part where I've been having particularly bad nightmares lately, inhibiting me from getting much sleep at all. Talking about the nightmares opens a floodgate of questions that I don't have adequate answers to.

"Okay . . ." he says hesitantly. "But you should let me finish slicing those lemons for you. You look tired enough to accidentally chop a finger off, and I don't want any hospital visits on my watch. I hate hospitals." He shudders.

I roll my eyes. "How noble of you. I'll go sweep your section while you finish cutting the lemons."

I turn to walk away, but he grabs my hand and gives it a tight squeeze, anchoring me to my spot. I turn around and shoot him a questioning glance, and he looks at me with a caring expression.

"I love you, Lexi-Loo-Who," he says. "Don't you forget that."

I'm trying my best not to, I think to myself, knowing that the demons screaming otherwise in my mind are always somehow more powerful than Jasper's all-consuming love.

author's note: hi this chapter is very personal because waitressing is THE WORST and it's not all cute boys leaving their numbers on napkins and getting big tips out of nowhere like some books portray it to be and it was v important to me that i got at least one chapter out of this story that semi captures the hell that is waitressing (see also: my own personal hell this summer). pls don't forget to tip your servers!!!! this has been a PSA

on a different note, are y'all still with me in this story? not to give any spoilers but i'm two chapters away from a major breaking point in the story so if the storyline has seemed stagnant or like its gearing up for something and you're wondering if that something is ever gonna come, IT'S COMIN'. as always, let me know your thoughts <3 have a lovely day sweet friends!