I know i said i wouldn't do author's notes but about half an hour after i posted Chapter 15 I added another couple of pages to the end of it because i think it makes it more fluid...so to the 11 people who read it straight away i thank you and I appologise...just check if you're up to date before you read this chapter because you'll have missed out on quite a bit of action if you didnt read what i added...

whilst im here...another big thank you! to everyone reading this, it might seem impersonal because i dont usually do these note things but i like people to be able to focus on the actual story, personally it winds me up a little when people put these in cs it distracts me  and pulls me out of what i'm reading...if you comment though im more than happy to reply =)......love to everyone reading and especially the people who have fanned me =P

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I woke up on a bed of soft linen and saw the sunlight streaming through the window. The first thing I thought was; Isn’t it pretty. Then the reality came back to me and I closed my eyes again, wishing that I could go back into the dreamless state I had been in. I pulled the cover over my head, burying myself under it and tightly closing my eyes.

It was my fault.

A cool hand softly brushed my hair away from my eyes and I looked up to see Rowan’s worried eyes looking down on me. I looked around half hoping that Isaac would be there in the background , just standing in the corner, quiet as usual, but he wasn’t and I felt the unhappiness wash over me; it was my fault. Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to blink them away, but failed. I slowly felt them trickle down my cheeks and into my hair and mouth, noticing their salty taste. Rowan stroked my forehead again and pulled me up into his arms. I lay my head on his chest, scarcely noticing that his skin was bare “Why did it have to be him?” I said, almost to myself.

“It must just have been his fate.”

“No, it was my fault, I’ve messed with all of you.”

“Don’t think that Ilea.”

“How can I not think it?” I closed my eyes again and spoke quietly, “He was so young and innocent… it should have been me.”

“Don’t say that, don’t ever say that!” I opened my eyes to look at Rowan’s face and saw the anger in his expression.

“Rowan, the wolf was charging at me, he was aiming for me not Isaac, I should be the one lying cold and dead on the ground.” Rowan grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me abruptly. I could see the anger in his eyes.

“Why would you even say such a thing?”

“Because I know it’s the truth, if I hadn’t asked for Isaac then he wouldn’t have tried to protect me and would still be living a life that was his and had barely begun.”

“Ilea, how do you know that he wouldn’t have died at exactly that time and day if he had been anywhere else? He could have fallen down a flight of stairs or eaten an uncooked piece of meet and been poisoned, you never know what would happen…”

“Yes but well never be able to know, in the same logic he could have lived until he was one hundred.” I put my palm on Rowans cheek, “I just blame myself for his death and nothing or no one can convince me otherwise.” Rowan just looked at me with sad eyes and turned his head slightly to kissed the palm that was on his cheek.

He slowly raised his other and to wipe the tears off my face and I looked down at it and then into his eyes. As I did so, I could see the hurt and love he felt for me, but also could see the infatuation he had for me. I took my hand away from his cheek quickly, “I can’t do this Rowan.”

“Do what?” he asked me sadly.

“This,” I said, putting my hand on his and taking it away from my face “I can’t do this to you again, it’s not fair.”

“I don’t mind.” He said turning his hand over to hold mine. I could feel the confusion rise in me. He lifted his other hand to put it near my face and I lifted my arm to stop him, but I hesitated, instinctively; I wanted him so much. Rowan took advantage of my hesitation and put his hand round the back of my neck, drawing me towards him and kissing me keenly. He let go of my other hand and pulling my body to his, pressed himself against me in a way that was not like him at all; it was commanding and forceful. I was so surprised that I let my guard down and then suddenly all my resistance went and I was kissing him back feverishly, my hands sliding round the back of his neck and my fingers twisting into his hair, pulling him closer to me than he already was.

Eventually I broke away from him, gasping for air. He kept his arms tight around my waist and then pulled one from it and put it to my chin, tilting my mouth towards his, I looked into his eyes and he could see the uncertainty still in mine. He brushed a strand of hair away from my forehead and began to kiss me again, slowly, cautiously and deliberately. He seemed so sure of himself, so sure of what he was doing, that I didn’t try to stop him, I knew that I could, but it felt like I wouldn’t be able to, it was strange.

He started to lean against me more and I felt my body give way as I lay backwards onto the bed so that he was leaning over the top of me, still kissing me. I felt myself slip and saw into his mind again; he wanted me so much, it was so strong it was almost hurting him. I detected another thought, he was trying to suppress the hope and push it aside, but he didn’t know I could see into his mind and wasn’t being as careful as he used to be.

I paused and he moved his mouth away from mine and started to kiss my neck as I breathed deeply, trying to sort out all the thoughts in my head. His mouth moved back to mine and I moved slowly against his, then I felt his hand slip under my top and over my hip and back. I pulled away, moving and sitting on the edge of the bed. I put my head in my hands and started to cry again, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and let it pull me back into his chest. I lay my head against him and felt the salty tears run down my cheek and then onto his skin where I touched him.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly, “I shouldn’t have done that.” I looked up at his face and saw the regret in his eyes.

“I shouldn’t have let it get that far in the first place.”

‘I wanted it to go that far, I want her so bad, why can’t she see that?’

“I can see it, I just don’t want to end up hurting you more.”

‘What?’ “How did you know that? I though you’d blocked your mind?”

“I had, but it slipped.”

‘Why?’ I said nothing but he could see from my eyes that I had heard him. He voiced the question, “Why did it slip?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t mean it to.”

‘Was it because of me?’

“I don’t know.” I couldn’t look him in the eyes when I said this and he noticed.

‘why won’t she look at me?’ I heard him work it out in his head and said nothing ‘unless she doesn’t want to tell me, but why wouldn’t she want to tell me? Maybe she wants me too… no don’t be stupid, she obviously doesn’t want you that way, or does she?’ finally he asked me a question.

“Is this one sided or not? I need to know.” I sighed and looked away from him, and knew that even if he knew, it wouldn’t make any difference; I still wouldn’t stay with him. I moved out of his arms and walked to the window, turning round to face him when I got there.

“Do you really want to know? The answer might hurt you more if you do.”

“It’s better to know than to spend the rest of my life wondering.”

“Then yes, I do want you, I long to be held in your arms, to not have to worry when you kiss me, I want to kiss you, I want to feel your hands on my body, but it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change anything.”

“What do you mean?”

“I still can’t be with you, I have to stay here and when I come back I still won’t be able to be with you, I will be a pawn, I won’t have a life of my own and I won’t let you be stuck in the same trap.”

‘She wants me! She feels the same way!’  “I don’t mind, as long as I’m with you I’ll be happy.” I grimaced at his words as they sliced deep into me, I could hear the sincerity in his voice.

“No Rowan, I won’t let you.”

“But I really don’t care, I can wait for you to come back, I can…”

“No Rowan you can’t!”

“Why not?” He demanded his voice turning slightly hard.

“Because even when I come back I’ll be the same, I don’t know how much I’ll change and there’s a possibility that I won’t want you when I come back!” He stopped for a moment as the words cut into him, I could see the pain in his eyes.

I looked at the floor, “I told you it would hurt if I told you,” I paused for a moment and looked up at his face, his eyes were turned to the floor, “Now do you understand?”

“Yes, but I will take my chance.”

“What do you mean?”

“I will wait for you to come back, if you come back different then I will give up and move on, if you come back the same then I’ll be there, just waiting in the wings.” I could see the determination in his mind.

“I know that nothing that I say will make any difference, but I want you to know that it may never be the same between us.”

“I’ll take that chance.” I looked at him sadly as he walked over to me and put his arms loosely around my waist, it was so much harder to push him away when I had finally worked out for myself that I really wanted him there.

“I can’t do this to you.” I said leaning away from him, he put one hand under my chin again.

“Then let me do this to me.” He said and lent down, pressing his mouth to mine. All my arguments seemed to melt away again as I tried to remember that I shouldn’t be doing this. I leant against the wall and could feel his body pushing up against mine as his hands slid up either side of my shoulders to brace him against the wall.

I curiously put my hands up his bare back and felt his hot skin against my cool fingers, he shivered slightly at my touch and I pulled him closer to me. He slipped his leg between mine and tore his mouth away to kiss my neck. I slid one hand to his chest and felt it rising and falling as he breathed deeply.

He returned to my mouth and slid one of his hands behind my body, pulling my towards him more, any control I had left slipped away as I felt his body fit perfectly into the curve of mine.

Suddenly he was flung across the room, slammed into the opposite wall, landing on the bed with a thump. My head snapped to the door, but no one was there, I rushed to the bed and found him lying there, breathing deeply. “Are you okay?” I asked him, worried.

“What happened?” he mumbled, his eyes fluttering.

“I don’t know.” I quickly scanned round the room, that’s when I saw the blood on the wall. I turned to Rowan anxiously, putting my arm around his back and pulling him up slowly. I looked at the back of his head and saw a gash where he’d hit the wall. I slowly put my hand over the gash and closed my eyes, picturing the flesh knitting back together and healing, letting the power flow through my palm. I took my hand away and smiled at him, knowing that it was healed, but at the same time realising that it was me that had lost control and nearly killed him in the first place.

“Did you do that?” He asked me, concerned.

“I think so.”

“Why?”

“I lost control.”

“Why?”

“I...” I paused and looked at the floor trying to find a way to tell him, I felt a cool hand on my face and looked up into his green eyes.

“Just tell me.”

“I wasn’t concentrating on holding them in… I was… thinking about you and what you… what you were doing… what we were doing.” I looked back to the floor again “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“No it’s not! I nearly killed you!” I stood up and felt the tears run down my face as I walked to the door; How many would I have to loose? Johanna, Jacob, Isaac and Rowan? Enough was enough. I wiped the tears away from my eyes and took a deep breath before I walked down the stairs.