welp...

Since everyone is writing about their lives and what's really happening to them, I guess I can't just keep it in anymore.

It wouldn't be very fair if everyone's being honest about their lives and I'm over here hiding everything, would it?

So if you would like to hear about what's going on here in HK, go ahead. If you don't want to, just skip over this post

I don't really care who listens and who doesn't

Anyways

To put it straight, I've been having a hard time lately. I'm not fine.

You probably know this but the teachers have suddenly starting piling me with test after test, assignment after assignment.

I just feel really overwhelmed and I feel like I can't handle it at all. I'm really stressed and I've started procrastinating way too much. I don't know where to start with my work.

I don't feel happy. I used to be able to smile more without anything holding me back but now I'm really emotional. I start raging and crying in class for the most stupid reasons. I keep getting so triggered every time someone I don't particularly like says something or does something. I've snapped and lost my 'good student' image with one of my teachers because he kept picking on me. I get frustrated when I get put in a group with people I don't like. 

Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and I start to feel sick in my stomach, I start shaking, my eyes start watering and I almost start to cry, my throat goes dry, and I feel like I'm about to throw up. I've sat at the tech station with my head in my hands once and no one noticed. I feel like no one ever notices me or cares about my feelings and opinions. If someone popular gets scared or doesn't feel happy, EVERYONE goes over to them and there are a lot of "are you okay???"s and "you can do it"s and "dont worry"s and "im here for you"s and etc.

But then whenever my anxiety comes and I feel sad, no one ever notices. I could literally sit in my seat with my head in my hands, pulling at my hair, and no one would notice. I could even start crying in class and no one would care. That happened to me once when my Chinese teacher told me that I had reached the time limit of my speech and I got so frustrated because I had worked so hard on it that I started to cry.

Even during my moment one of my classmates had criticized me of being too emotional because "Even Elliot (who had gone to the bathroom) could have been crying too this whole time. You never know." I only have a few friends are actually okay. There are literally only 4 to 5 people in my school that can notice if I'm okay or not and actually checks if I'm alright.

Pathetic, right?

I just want a break from everything. I can't wait for spring break, where I can go to Vietnam and China. I feel so worthless and useless. In my weekly GID morning meeting, it's nearing the week for the April trip, and they're signing people up for the events in the program. People are volunteering to sing, play the guitar, play the piano, give a testimony, and translate the testimonies into Chinese. But I can't do anything like that. I can't sing. My voice is too low and too soft. Im not even good at singing. I can't play band (not orchestral) instruments. I'm afraid of speaking in public. My testimony idea isnt even ready. I'm not even that good at Chinese, so I can't translate. The only thing I'm on is tech, which is switching the slides. But there is another girl in twelfth grade that is already doing the slides. She doesn't share anything with me or tells me how to do this or that. So basically I can't do anything.

I feel terrible. How am I still accepted into GID even if I can't do anything? Heck, I can't even PRAY well. Every time I pray out loud I start to stutter and forget what to say. You know the guy that criticized me about being too emotional? He kinda bullies me too... But I guess I deserve it. I won't tell you exactly why I feel that way, but I'll tell you if you guess it right.

I've also been labelled as 'stupid', 'lazy', 'fat', 'useless', 'coward', etc, by a certain family member at home. I can't stop hearing them now. For a while, I kept on denying that what they said was true. But slowly I somehow started to believe it. And I ended up like this, i guess. An emotional mess.

I want to cut. I want to self harm. I get really negative thoughts. But I can't bring myself to do it. I just can't. Sure, go ahead and call me a wannabe depressed person. But these are the feelings i feel inside.

I know that God says that we are perfect in his eyes, and that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, but at this point, it's just so hard to believe. I've been trying to believe it as much as I can, and I want to believe it, but it's just so hard.

I dont want to do my assignments. I dont want to do my tests. I dont want to undergo stress. I dont want to do any more late night crying. I don't want to be frustrated. I don't want to be pulled even further away from God because of my work. I don't want to go on a hiatus for anime. I don't want to go on a hiatus for writing. I don't want to get anxiety about everything and everyone. I don't want to have a lack of sleep everyday. I don't want to go to school to see anyone. I dont want to be judged at school. I don't want to interact with people at school. I dont want to be salty all the time. I don't want to be torn away from my internet friends because of all the things happening. I don't want to forget how to smile a real smile anymore.

I can't hold on anymore. I've been trying to this whole time. I feel like I'm being dangled off a cliff and my hands are slipping as each second passes. I can't do this anymore. I cant do anything. I can't be forced to work under so much pressure. I don't want to be demanded by every teacher to do this and do that. I. Just. Can't. Do. This. Anymore.

I want my motivation to write back. I don't want any more nervous breakdowns. Every time someone mentions a test or assignment that we have I want to throw up. It's kinda like forcing yourself to eat after you're already so full.

To sum it up...

I feel so worthless. I can't tell anyone at school this because I'll be judged for being weak. No one cares. People are telling me to stop being so emotional. I don't want to do anything anymore. All I can do is cry and complain anyways.

But no one cares about silly old me, right?