//* Well, I totally went cuss- and idiot-happy in this chapter, if nothing else. Hope you enjoy! It's dedicated to Spiritfire because she encouraged the cussing in this chapter and in life in general ;)

I try to push myself up from the ground, but I only get a few inches off the dirt before I collapse again. I lift my head a little, and I confirm the fact that no one is coming to help me. All the kids are looking at me like I'm a freak, and the teachers look as if they know they're supposed to be helping me, but can't find the strength to do so. I force my arm straight, to not collapse, to keep pushing me upward. Don't you dare try to sabotage me, idiot. Don't you even think about it. I get up slowly, the world seemingly spinning and blacking out. I wobble a bit, and my body trembles. My chest heaves, and my lungs seem to have shrunk to the size of golf balls. I stand there for a few seconds, hoping that the blackness will cease, but it doesn't. I give up after ten seconds. Fine then, you idiot. Be that way.

I stumble through them and ask to go to the nurse. The teacher nods yes once, then freezes up again. I want to glare at him, but it takes too much effort, so I stop. No one comes to help me to the nurse, although I guess I should have expected that. A headache is growing in my head, and it doesn't stop.

Well, fuck you too.

I concentrate on nothing except for my own breathing as I walk towards the building. The brick edges blur and seem to blend into the blue sky; the brick and dirt are the same color.

Hm. Makes sense.

Like hell it does. Since when were dirt and brick the same color, you idiot? I stumble and almost fall over. Again. I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. My head is pounding and I can hear the blood rushing. It's calmed down a bit, but it's still enough for me to want to just lay down and do nothing until everything ceases, enough to distract me and want me to stop doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. At least I can still see without blacking out every time I take a step.

I arrive at the door. I lay my hand on it, breathe for a few seconds, and attempt to open the door. It's locked. I did not expect anything else. My head is filled with swirling thoughts, and only after an eternity of stupidly standing at the door and staring do I realize that I should probably go get a teacher to open the door for me.

Idiot.

I wave my hand in the air like an idiot (the idiot you are) and a teacher comes over. She looks me up and down, like I have to be inspected just to go inside the building.

"Nurse?"

I nod.

"Ok, then." She unlocks the door for me, and I step onto the cold tile floor.

It's strange. I've never really had this kind of time to myself before, to do nothing but hear my steps echo on the hard coldness. Rin, I wish you were here. Then I wouldn't have to feel so alone anymore. Then we'd be able to draw on each other, and we'd always support each other. I need you so much right now. Please, wake up soon. I clunk up the steps and arrive at the nurse's office. She always scared me, and it's no different now.

She smiles at me, and it chills me to the bone. "What do you need?" she asks, her voice dripping sugar and honey.

"I... um... fell," I manage to get out. "Also a headache... and I'm feeling kinda, uh, dizzy and nauseous." I manage to lift up my leg for a few moments. "My leg's bleeding."

Her face is full of fake horror and pity. "Poor you! You must have had a terrible time out there. Here, sit down. I'll get the necessary things for you." She rushes away to open and get a million different items to help me, and I just stare out into nothing. I do nothing but stare as she applies a plethora of medicinal creams and Band-Aids to my body, and I mutter "peanuts" when she asks if I have allergies. She checks with the computer, nods, and gives me a pill of Advil to swallow for my headache. "No peanuts," she says, winking.

Like I fucking care for your stupid wink. I zone out, letting the nurse fade into background and let my thoughts take the spotlight and run wild. I see Rin everywhere—in front of the cabinet, in the nurse's chair, just outside the door. I know it's all just an illusion, but I still find it hard to convince myself to stay put, to not jump up and run to the door to get just a little closer to her, and to hold her in my arms, anything to comfort myself. The only thing I can do now is take in breath after ragged breath and wrap my arms around my torso in an attempt to warm myself up. I stay cold. My body feels thin and it shivers without stop, but at least my teeth aren't chattering. It's almost summer; if I was freezing, the nurse would most definitely look at me strangely. Then I'd never come here again.

Her honeyed voice interrupts my thought. "You can lie down, if you want. You look like you could use it," she says, smiling.

Shut up, useless bitch.

I hold the words inside and do as she says, because the truth is, I really do want to lie down. The thin sheet and mattress is not comfortable at all, but when I lie down, the huge fatigue of the little running I did washes over me, and in no time at all I am asleep.

***

When I walk out of school today, I'm no longer a living person. Instead, I am dead inside and want to crawl like the worthless bug I am out the exit. I'm sure my eyes look like dark blue slates, like a poison that devours and devours, destroying everything it touches. I can see myself giving other people fear and hear snickers from the fake-brave people. I lower my gaze.

I don't care what they think. I don't care what they think. I don't care about them.

I turn away, still concentrated at the ground. Within the black pavement, I see white specks, and I start counting, grateful for that one thing, anything that can get my mind off of my life. 1, 2, 3...

When I reach the third stoplight, I have to stop for a few seconds. I'm at 548. 548. 548. I repeat the number in my head, mentally turning it over and feeling for its unique traits.

My mind is tired. It can't find any. Then just remember the damn number, all right? I hope you can do that! I suck in air. I sure hope I can do that. 548. 548.

The pedestrian light turns to the white walker. I step, oblivious of the fact that there was a car that was rushing and just about to bump into me. Huh? What was the number again? Was it 548? or 584? Or maybe it was 485. I can't remember anymore.

You idiot. Such a simple task, and you completely butchered it. Good job.

I can't believe myself sometimes. There was so little I had to do, yet I ditched it all. Such stupidity.

I hate it. I hate it all.

My legs feel like they're trudging forward again. Not again, you idiots, I chastise them. As if that'll do anything. I sigh internally. Don't you dare do it again. I will kill you if you do. They struggle to move, shaking. I stop, staring at it. Stabilize yourself. Seriously.

Hahahahaha. Right. That's totally going to work.

So I ditch it. If they break down again, fuck them and get up and keep moving. Keeping moving until I fall again. I clutch at straws, desperately trying to get the the hospital. Today is one of the few days when I absolutely have to go. I cannot miss out today. I need your strength, Rin. The nurses pass me by when I walk to Rin's room today. They don't meet my eyes and smile as usual—it's like the whole world has turned grim. How wonderful. I don't really think it too weird until I reach Rin's room—and it's locked.

Locked.

I try to knob again.

Locked.

No.

This can't be.

I pull on the door, my whole weak body straining to pull that piece of metal from its frame. I don't expect my tiny, helpless self to do anything, and my expectation is true. I do nothing but make lots of sound and chip off miniscule parts of the door so that there are a ton of scratches on the frame. I breathe in, the air ragged in my throat. I have to hold back tears that threaten to drown me, and all I can think is RIN! Are you okay? Please don't tell me you've broken down too. You can't leave me like this, and I couldn't possibly live with the guilt of having a part in your death. No, you can't do this to me! We have to get through this together, like we always have. I'll find a way to get to you, don't you worry. Rin, Rin, Rin, just wait, and I'll get to you. I'll get there somehow. I will do it. Please have faith in me.

I can almost hear her at my side, saying Yes, I believe in you, and I want to turn around and hug her, but when I turn, I feel myself growing dizzy again, and I fall.

...What just happened?