//* Guess who's been rather motivated lately? :P

I awake to sunlight streaming in through my window, and the first thought that goes through my head was, I didn't do my homework. Then I laugh at myself. Who the hell cares? The teachers, sure, would like you to do it, but in the end, you yourself don't care. So it doesn't really matter, right?

So I drag myself out of bed and toss on some clothes before I head out the door. My stomach complains a little, but I silence it right away. I don't need your complaining right now. I tramp off to school, my legs howling a little and my eternal tears of depression falling internally, a normal day of suffering.

***

"Hey, Rin," I say when I reach her at last. "I'm... sorry for yesterday. I... didn't mean... that."

Who am I kidding? I'm only saying "that" because I have no idea what I'm apologizing for. "Sorry," I say again. "I don't even know what I'm doing any more." I don't want Rin to know, even though I feel that she deserves to know what I'm thinking: that I don't want to keep going, and I want to stop everything right now. I don't want to keep suffering like this. I don't want to keep going. I want to stop it short, to stop living like this. I don't want this life. I never asked for all this. I didn't want to hate everything, I didn't want to feel lost and helpless. All I ever wanted was a happy life with Rin, and even that wasn't given to me. I don't want to keep going like this. My mind goes to pills, to knives, to ways to put myself in a coma; anything to get me out of my current cycle of suffer.

Almost. No. I am not allowed to do that. I am not allowed to let myself do that. To do that would be to betray Rin, and what will you do when she realizes that you're such a monster, such a terrible person? She will abandon you. And then you will truly be nowhere. You can't do that.

I can't let myself become someone like that.

I blink tears from my eyes, breath heaving. Rin's face, though gray and ugly, gives me hope that I could never describe. "Thank you again," I say. I will never be able to say how much you mean to me, how much hope you've given to me, how you've inspired me at the times when I thought that I would never rise up again. I could never tell you of all the times that you've kept me sane and working when I thought that I would surely break down. "Thank you so much."

The only reply I get are the beeping machines, but I smile at her nonetheless. You don't have to respond, I think, looking lovingly at her. I know that even if you can't hear me with your ears, your heart will know. More tears creep in my eyes, and this time I let them fall willingly onto her bedsheet. Here, a token of my thanks. Happy tears. Even if the sheets are taken away at some point in time, I know that she will keep them with her, everything that I've given, with her in her heart.

So with Rin's blessing, I go home. I will face Patricia again, and I will tell her about my feelings. That I don't hate her, that I only yelled at her out of frustration, and that I didn't mean it. That I don't blame her for being the person that she is, that I appreciate that she took me into account. That I'll be grateful for the things that she does for me, and that I will not run next time.

***

I approach my home, ready for a well-thought out talk with her. I am ready to say everything that I mean, and I mean it completely. I am ready to take anything that she might throw at me today. Anything and everything. Now, come at me! I want to say, but I laugh at myself. Ha, no. But I am prepared.

I think.