Chapter 12
//* Woah, I really have been rather motivated lately, haven't I? Well, here you go! Enjoy!
My days pass in a slow blur. Things happen, and though I see them, I don't register them. I don't know of anything but the fact that Rin is turning for the worse, and that my rate for wrong answers for schoolwork is increasing. Everything is turning into a downward spiral that I can't control. The only time when I feel in control of myself is when I get to meet Rin, and even that is not what I wish for it to be. Even though she is what helps me to feel human again, I know that as I step into the room that I am unable to concentrate on anything else. I hate myself for getting used to her terrible face, but nothing will change the fact that I love her until the ends of the universe.
Other than in her hospital room, my mind retreats into itself. It closes its shell and refuses to open, and my work is left to the tabletop's eternal home. My B's from before turn into C's, D's, and now they're just barely above failing. My worksheets are full of 60s, and my tests in the 50s. I know my parents don't really notice, nor do they care. They've probably been notified a dozen times of my grades, and my teachers have tried to talk to me several times, all with failing results. My eyes are those of the dead, and so is my posture. Gym is the only real challenge for me, since I don't lie to the teachers about the amount of laps that I've run. It takes me forever to run the two laps they ask for, and even more effort to try to work with a team or follow simple instructions.
Then came another accident.
***
Three weeks after the intense beating, I came home weary and ready for sleep without dinner, as I had done for the previous month. My dad had been staying silent as I came home for the past two days, a miracle to me. But today, he had no intention of leaving me alone. Right as I unlocked the door, he stands at the doorway that I have to go through in order to get to my room, eyes blazing.
"Hey, kid," he says, as if I'm a total stranger. "I've been easy on you these past couple of days, but today you're not getting special treatment. You must be the brattiest kid on the planet, I really don't know why I'm not harder on you this time. Today you're getting a taste of what you should be getting instead of this softness."
I can see my mom nodding in the background, and I internally roll my eyes. Can you do something other than agree? Really. I wonder how you ever manage to think for yourself. How you managed to get to this point. But I soon turn away from thinking about my mom to thinking about pain. I could feel sharpness and hurt everywhere, and the aches from three weeks back begin to creep back to my body. My legs want to bend down again, and everything wants to go slack and stop working, to just relax and let whatever comes come.
My mom's image creeps back into my head, and I can her nodding, nodding the day away. I let my hate build up, dissipate, and build up again. It amuses me, and with that amusement, I can temporarily keep the pain away. I can still hear his heavy breathing, and I can almost feel a satisfied grin on his face. My mom is still nodding in the background, pretending like nothing bad is happening.
But suddenly the instant pains end. I open my eyes, first just a crack just in time to see my father fall onto the ground, completely surprised. I am confused, but I want to ignore him and just push past into my room where I don't have to deal with him anymore. Out of all the rooms in the house, my room was the safest place where he never liked going. I just wanted him out of the way, to stop hitting and punching me and so I could just be alone with Rin's music. I struggle to stand against the wall, my thighs whining especially loudly. I wince along with each sharp pain and creak, even my eyes screaming to stop the immediate reactions.
When I have myself mostly stable against the wall, I creak my eyes open once again and focus on the scene in front of me. Surprisingly, my mom is no longer at her usual spot at the couch. She's kneeled beside my father, who has his breath coming short and confusion on his face. I can tell his knees are weakened and his right arm finds it hard to move. I want to pretend that I didn't see this scene, that it didn't happen, and I want to deny that anything ever happened today, and I turn to run towards my room, but my mom's voice interrupts me.
I haven't heard it in forever.
"Alex, no, please, come back," I hear, a gentle ring compared to my father's yells.
I turn, perhaps in a hope to hear something, anything positive. Not that I've done anything to deserve such a thing.
"Please, help your father. I think something's wrong with him."
Venom is back in my mouth. Oh, so you can think after all. Good job. But I quickly discard the thought. I don't want to help my father. After all he's done to me, why would I? He's a nasty, disgusting sadist whose only anger is taken out on others that are weaker than him. Why should I ever want to help such a person. When I speak, my voice is so low that I can barely hear myself.
"Why?"
I can hear her debating it in her head. She knows that my father is nothing but misery for me, yet she still wants to help him. And suddenly, I don't think my mother is such a bad person after all. Even though I don't think I should forgive for the times that she stood back and did nothing but nod as I was beat, I don't want to let her down this time.
Idiot. Remember what she did for you? Nothing. Why would you ever want to help her?
I don't know why I would want to help her. Although she's my mother, I've never seen her do much for me. Day in, day out, all I see her doing is watching TV. She's turned her head for things like witnessing my beatings, and if I see her, all she's doing is nodding. And even though I have no idea why I would help her, and I know that she can help herself, I can feel my right arm slowly moving to my jean pocket to give my phone to her.
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