TRIGGER WARNING, SELF HARM

"Why am I still living?"

A question Peter asked himself frequently.

He had friends, family. He worked as Spider-Man at night.

But he was so bored.

Criminals weren't hard to defeat, he had made all his equipment to the best of his abilities, crime rate in Queens was so low, the only thing that happened was people trying to steal gummy worms from a convenience store.

He felt no stimulation. He was as strong as possibly imaginable for him. He had no trouble defeating enemies on the-world-is-at-stake missions with the Avengers, all around, he didn't really feel emotion.

New Lego sets, new equipment in the labs at school, even new Star Wars movies didn't make him feel a thing.

And he worst thing was he didn't even feel depressed about it.

He just felt....... emptiness.

Once in a while, he'd feel a flash of amusement, but that didn't last for long. He'd feel happy, then not.

He somewhat wished he was scared, wished he was worried. He knew something was wrong with him, but nothing ever worked.

He'd go around with a blank expression on his face, he didn't bother trying to look happy for the Avengers, after all. He had no obligation to and he didn't feel guilt if they felt worried.

The only time he could feel any emotions were if Pain was inflicted.

And at this point, nobody would be even able to inflict it if they tried.

Only he could.

Sometimes he'd wondered, wondered what it would be like if he decided to hurt himself, to feel again.

But emotions weren't that amazing. They aren't worth, from what Peter remembers. To commit the sin of marring your own body.

So Peter didn't.

He swung around, from building to building. Not paying attention, just reflecting on himself. His Spidey-sense wasn't at its best, mostly because his sense of self-preservation was lower.

So needless to say, when he smacked into the building and broke his nose he was very surprised.

Surprised and Annoyed.

Oh.

He felt those things.

Suddenly, for the first time in a while, a smile broke out on his face. He felt Emotions.

But then they disappeared.

Every emotions except Want.

He notices it, he Wanted to do it again, in those moments, before he healed, he felt emotions. And he wanted to feel them again and again.

Line break presented by the hoe who's gonna see FFH on opening night. (Me)

To say Tony was worried was the understatement of the year. When he looked at Peter, he was scared out of his mind.

It was because of the Snap.

When Peter had disappeared, he felt half of his heart disappear with him. He never wanted his boy to go, ever again.

Tony thought it was bad before, heck the Avengers were scared, the Peter they thought they knew was cold. Emotionless.

But for some reason, this version of Peter scared him more.

The Avengers thought everything was fine. That he was just traumatized from the Snap, and besides, he was fine now. Right? 

He had stopped being emotionless. Instead of just saying. "I'm going to bed." He wanted to participate with them in games and such.

When he was with them, he seemed to enjoy missions. Even begged to go on them.

But something wasn't right.

His clothes hung off him, the bags under his eyes suggested a lack of sleep, he barely ever ate when he was with them. He would go to the bathroom after every meal. He got hurt on missions more, his wounds had started to not heal as fast, they had actually bandage them now, instead of putting on disinfectant and leaving it alone.

The scariest part, he was so happy.

It terrified Tony, his boy looked practically like Death now, but he seemed so bright. Like a light shining. Upon him, his smile still shiny and white. Was wider, than it had been in a while.

The happiness only lasted a while, though.

After weeks of him being happy, he started being angrier, more aggressive.

When they went on missions, he'd always run straight for the enemy, not bothering to listen to Steves plan. But he would get hurt, so hurt it sickened Tony.

Tony didn't notice, that Peter after a week, when all of his injuries healed, he gave up on asking to go on missions.

Tony didn't notice, that Peter wasn't happy, sad, or angry except at different times of the day.

Tony didn't notice, that Peter didn't gain weight, didn't get enough sleep.

Tony didn't notice, Peter was wearing big hoodies, long sleeved shirts, and spending extended amounts of time in the bathroom.

He didn't notice that Peter needed help. And fast.