A/N: just some stupid shit that I think of from time to time that are definitely incorrect but fun to think about.

...........

Peter: I wanna Kashoot myself

Tony putting down what he was working on: do I need to call the therapist again?

~

Steve: the results are in, my friend tony stark will explain-

Tony having F.R.I.D.A.Y. play ukulele: Richard's not your dad.

Peter trying to enjoy breakfast: ..... w h a t ?

~

Bucky: he took my arm.

Sam: What?

Bucky: that fucking raccoon took my arm!

~

Bruce: I'm taken

Tony: you are?

Bruce: taken for granted!

Tony: Jesus Chr-

~

Peter: So I might've gotten lightly stabbed

Tony: You got stabbed!!!!

Peter: lightly

Tony: how do you 'lightly' get stabbed?

Peter: can we not argue? I'm kinda bleeding out

Tony: W H A T T H E F U C K   K I D

~

Clint: I'm sorry. I can't see you, I'm deaf.

Natasha, resisting urge to kill: that's not how that works.

~

Pepper: Tony, why were we told you were already married?

Tony: Ah, so you see-

Rhodey, drinking a cup of coffee: we got drunk and got married in Vegas.

Pepper: ahhh. Could you file a divorce?

Rhodey: Yeah, no problem.

Tony: A-are we not going to question why he's in our kitchen?

~

Tony: Honeybear, the kids are driving me insane

Rhodey: kids?

*Harley, Peter, Shuri, Mj, Ned and Wanda burst in the room with various things, shuffling past muttering about lightsabers*

Rhodey: ah.

~

Wanda: Vision, what are you doing?

Vision, holding Mjölnir and a frying pan: Would you believe me if I said Peter put me up to it?

~

Tony looking at Mjölnir: If it was put on an elevator-

Steve: we are not having this conversation again.

Tony: but if it was-

Steve: the Elevator isn't worthy, why are you like this?

Bruce, just wanting to go to his lab: *screaming internally*

~

Thor: why did you become the man of spiders?

Peter: well, when bad things happen when you can do something about it, the. The bad things happen because of you.

Thor, slowly moving Mjölnir to Peter: I see

Peter, accepting hammer without any thought: besides, someone has to look out for the little guys. It can't all be giant alien invasions. The people need someone and I'm happy to help.

Thor: you're worthy

Peter, holding Mjölnir: I'm what?

~

Bruce: I swear the Avengers are collectively sharing one brain cell.

Tony: you're an avenger too, you know.

Bruce, without missing a beat: did I stutter?

~

Natasha: паук, have you seen my-

Peter, sitting on the ceiling, reading a book, Natasha's book:

Natasha: never mind then.

~

Loki: I don't understand why everyone's treating me like a villain.

Peter: Mr. Loki, didn't you try to take over the world?

Loki: ... I like your spunk

Peter: thank you?????

~

Peter: Every father figure I've ever had dies.

Tony: s-should I be worried?

~

Peter:  I think i have daddy issues

Ned: you think?

~

Steve: she was the love of my life

Sam: Peggy?

Steve: Art

Sam: You dramatic ass-

~

Tony: Peter nearly gave me a heart attack

Natasha: was he on the ceiling again?

Tony: no. He jokingly posted on Twitter that if someone shouted 'free hugs' at him, he'd stop what he was doing to give a hug. I just saw him plummet thirty stories to hug someone.

Natasha: What the f-

~

Peter: I have daddy issues

Tony: never use that word again

~

Rhodey: I've known tony for so long that I can tell you what he's doing at this exact second.

Peter: what's he doing?

Rhodey: mumbling to himself about securing your future.

Tony, mumbling to himself about securing Peter's future: *sneezes* it's fucking cold in here.

~

Peter: Okay, Mr. Stark, I'm on vacation in Berlin, how the fudge am I still seeing your face everywhere?

Tony: what can I say? People love me.

~

Mj: Pepper could step on me and I'd thank her.

Peter: mood.

~

Bruce: I have 7phds, but I'm not a doctor.

Peter: *gets injured*

Bruce: ... Fine ...

~

Peter: Uh, mr. St-

Tony: shhhh, Sony and Disney are arguing, we can't use each other's names.

Peter: ..... when did you become Deadpool?

~

Peter: Can I use your name mr-

Tony: yes, but for fucks sake, just call me Tony.

Peter: ...

Peter: Mr: Stark I-

~

Peter: Why do girls make better boys then me?

Tony: c-can we have any context?

Peter: Tik Tok.

Tony: no, I'm going to need more than that.

~

Peter: I'm one butler and a billion dollars away from being Batman

Ned: Peter... you're literally already a superhero. And your dad is literally rich.

Peter: ...

Peter, turning to MJ: As I was saying-

~

Bruce: Thor

Thor: Yes?

Bruce: I need to work, can you move your hammer away from the door

Thor: you need rest! Go back to bed!

Bruce: ...

Bruce: You are so lucky that I'm in love with you.

Thor: what?

Bruce: what?

~

Mj: Pepper Potts was my bisexual awakening

Ned: Ewan McGregor was mine.

Mj: nerd

Peter: Harry Osborne was my bisexual awakening

Mj: isn't his dad evil?

Peter: not stopping me from having a crush on him.

~

Peter: is it gay that i want my guy friends to kiss me?

Mj: Peter, that is quite literally the very definition of being gay. Bisexual in your case.

Peter: oh!

~

Pepper: there's been an influx of comments on twitter asking me to step on them.

Tony: I can't blame them.

Pepper: what?

Tony: what?

~

Bucky: Sam is a little shit who can fight me in the Denny's parking lot at two in the morning.

Peter: that was oddly specific.

Steve: yeah, why is-

Sam: I will beat your ass anywhere Barnes!

Peter & Steve: ...

Peter: you going?

Steve: yeah. You?

Peter: I'll bring the popcorn.

~

Natasha: I'm going to McDonald's, you guys want anything?

Peter: my parents back

Tony: more serotonin (happiness)

Steve: Peggy

Bucky: my other arm

Sam: less racism in the world

Clint: to be able to hear my children

Natasha: look, I only have twenty bucks. You all need therapy.

~

Peter: Fan fiction is wild

Mj: why is that?

Peter: I've read about fifty fan fics today that ship me with different avengers and I'm sickened yet intrigued.

Ned: gross.

.............

A/N: I started these quotes a LONG time ago. So, enjoy. They're finally done.