A/N: in which Peter makes a twitter account and posts the random shit he hears the Avengers say.

..........

Honestly, Peter just wanted to share the stupid shit he heard. Granted, he didn't want to out himself, so he made an "incorrect Avengers quotes" twitter.

He didn't expect people to actually see it. But they did. What could he even do?

Daily Posts @ Incorrect_Avengers

Steve: Fuck Trump.

Tony: You don't mean that literally do you?

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Natasha: nothing makes me cry

Spider-Man: Spider-Mom!

Natasha: *sobs*

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Bruce: Has anyone seen my phone? *he's literally holding it*

Spider-Man: I'll help for ten bucks.

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Spider-Man: god i want to die.

Steve: there's bleach under the sink

Bucky: I think we have rope somewhere

Bruce: just throw yourself out a window

Clint: do a flip

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Tony: Stop arguing it's bad for the baby

Rhodey: what baby?

Tony: Me

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Spider-Man: apparently my blood is blue!

Sam: how'd you find that out?

Tony: please say paper-cut.

Spider-Man: Nope! G U N

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Spider-Man: hey dad!

Tony: D A D *starts crying*

Spider-Man: DAD!

Honestly, the quotes were funny, at least to Peter. Though, as it got popular, some people started to tag the avengers, saying "if only," or things along those lines.

Of course, the Avengers eventually noticed.

They were worried someone was spying on them, after all, they weren't fake quotes, they were actually quite real.

Though, no one suspected Peter. After all, Peter used some of his ow stupid quotes as well. That and he wasn't always int he room for some of the quotes.

He installed a protocol on Friday called the "dumb bitch" protocol. Whenever someone said something stupid, Friday would send Peter a clip of what happened.

Peter was just waiting for everything to unfold.

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Natasha: spiders need to stick together

Spider-Man already sticking to her like koala bear: you mean that literally or.....

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Tony: hey spider baby, you do your homework

Spider-Man: S P I D E R B A B Y

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Spider-Man: Steve, can you help me with history homework

Steve: Sure, what do you need help with?

Spider-Man: Nazis.

Steve: I punched them all.

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Clint: Man everyone sucks at hide-and-seek

Sam: WHY ARE YOU IN THE VENTS?!?

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Spider-Man: meme me up Cap

Steve: hrrrng. Fury, I'm dummy thicc and the clap of my ass cheeks keeps alerting the Hydra agents

Spider-Man: *crying* P e r f e c t

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Tony: Babe, stop hogging the fucking blankets

Steve: I'm sorry, I'M the one hogging blankets?

Tony: Babe, I'm fucking cold

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Bruce: Kid, look, I'm sorry

Spider-Man: I DIDN'T NEED TO SEE THAT

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Rhodey: I swear he looks just like you

Tony: He's not my kid. I did the DNA test.

Rhodey: You what?

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Thor: I have been stabbed

Bruce: was it Loki?

Thor: It was Loki

Bruce: *sigh*

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Spider-Man: Thor marry me

Thor: Alright

Spider-Man & Bruce: W A I T   N O

Pepper was the only one who caught on that it was him.

"I'm actually impressed," she had said with a soft chuckle. "Feel free to quote me as well."

"Really?"

She nodded, "yes really."

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Pepper: I can't believe I dated you

Tony: Yeah. I didn't think your standards were that low

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Spider-Man: Mom, dad and pops initiated the sock on the door protocol.

Pepper: Want ice cream?

Spider-Man: Yes!

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Bruce: Do you think you'll have a relationship again?

Pepper: Maybe.

Bruce: why was that ominous

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T'challa: Nice to meet you.

Spider-Man: why is there a Furry here?

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Spider-Man: I- im- I'm b-

Tony: take your time.

Spider-Man: boys and girls.

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Scott: Bug bro!

Spider-Man: I'm an arachnid.

Scott:... Bug Bro?

Spider-Man: BUG BRO!

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Hope: He's a bottom.

Scott: What?

Hope: Correction, you're a bottom.

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Natasha: Hey bitch boy

Clint: What

Natasha: I would die for you

Clint: *whispering* please don't

"Alright, So I have no idea who's making the tweets," Tony said, admitting defeat.

"We can rule all of us out since we're all constant targets."

Natasha shrugged, "they aren't posting anything harmful, make a point to keep identities hidden."

"I'll figure it out..." tony mumbled.

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The best Avengers order from best to worst

1) All of them

I don't make the rules

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Potato Kid: W E R E  C O N N E C T E D

Tony: Kid W H A T  T H E  F U C K

Spider-Man: who is this bitch

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Tony: I don't have kids

*Spider-Man, Potato Kid & Intern exist*

Tony: I have kids.

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Pepper: Why am I surrounded by sexist dicks?

Tony: because old white men are crusty. Just look at Steve.

Steve: You're sleeping on the couch tonight.

Tony: Wait, babe no.

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Spider-Man: can't believe you nearly killed me when I was 14.

Steve: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE 14

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Clint: I'm sorry, I suddenly can't hear *chucks hearing aids out the window*

Tony: Clint... what the fuck

Spider-Man: want me to sign that to him?

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Natasha: Kid, you're a twink.

Spider-Man: I'm a what now?

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Intern: Mr. Stark, you need to go to bed

Tony: I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Intern: F.R.I.D.A.Y. Play all star, full volume

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Potato Kid: Can I flirt with Intern?

Tony: No, you'll corrupt him

Potato Kid: P L E A S E

Tony: No

Potato Kid: Imma do it anyways.

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Intern: Mr. Stark, why did Potato Kid ask to get in my pants?

Tony: *chokes on water* H E   W H A T

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Sam: Hey Small fry

Scott: Even when I'm shrunk my dick is bigger than yours

Hope: Know from experience?

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Tony: A apple a day keeps the doctor away

Strange: STOP THROWING APPLES AT ME

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Intern: Mr. Stark, how do I ask a boy out

Tony: Go ask your pops

Intern: Pops, how do I ask a boy out

Steve: go ask your dad

Intern: *screams*

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Spider-Man : what's with the adoption papers?

Tony: oh, your aunt let us adopt you

Spider-Man: *cries happy tears*

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Potato Kid: Old man, what's a good first date?

Tony: if I give you money will you leave me alone

Potato Kid: No. We're  C O N N E C T E D

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Bucky: Steve, should I cut my hair?

Steve: put it in a man bun, you'll drive people crazy

"Now they're including Harley and Peter!" Bruce exclaimed.

"I'm technically also Spider-Man?" Peter pointed out.

Tony huffed, "I think they know. Are they spying on us?"

"Maybe?"

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Tony: Are they spying on us?

Bruce: Maybe?

I think they've caught on

"This is getting ridiculous!" Tony huffed.

Peter glanced at Pepper, who was smiling kindly, "there's no harm, is there? If anything bad actually came out... we could deal with it."

"Do you even know the threat?"

Pepper laughed, "I know who is running the account."

That perked everyone's ears up.

"What?" Steve questioned.

"I know who's running the account. They're harmless, so I wouldn't worry."

They eyed her as she decided to leave the room.

Peter was thankful for her

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Spider-Man: Look, this is going to sound weird, but like, do you have any condoms?

Random clerk: w h a t   t h e   f u c k...

"Peter, why did you buy condoms?" Tony asked, looking at his twitter feed.

"Gotta be prepared."

"For what?"

"Harley?"

Tony closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "I want to forget this conversation ever happened."

"Same."

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Wanda: I miss my brother

Spider-Man: i miss my uncle

Thor: I miss my mother

Tony: I wish I could kick my father's ass

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Vision: what is proper first date attire?

Intern: not that

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Carol: I've known intern for a day and if anything happened to him I'm kill everyone and then myself

Every Avenger: Same

Intern: wait, no!

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Spider-Man: ugh, my back and Legs are sore

Tony: patrol last night rough?

Spider-Man: No.

Tony: O H

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Intern: So... I have something to tell you

Potato Kid: Yeah?

Intern: I'm actually Spider-Man

Potato Kid: bitch I know

Tony: I told him when he first came here!

Intern: oh...

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Wanda: do spiders purr? Because you're purring.

Spider-Man: I'm not a fucking furry

Wanda: okay....???

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Shuri: Ah, Yes, the meme squad us assembled

Spider-Man: we will be chaotic

Potato Kid: He won't know what hit him

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Potato Kid: did... did you just rip your arm off

Spider-Man: give it a minute

Potato Kid: WHY DID YOU RIP YOUR ARM OFF

Spider-Man: Paper cut.

Potato Kid: WHAT THE FUCK

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Strange: I did not kill a plant destroyer to deal with this

Tony: sucks to suck magic man

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Steve: Fucking Nazis

Tony: you mean that like, "man they suck!" Or, ""I just fucked a nazi" ?

Steve: why am I dating you?

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Spider-Man: I swear to god that [redacted] wants to suck my dick.

Potato Kid: I bet he'd let you raw him

Spider-Man: Brb, I'm going to throw up.

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Wanda: *exists*

Vision: I love you

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All right, the joke has been going on long enough! The avengers legit think I'm spying on them. So here's the tea.

[video of Spider-Man, sitting on his bed. He rips off his mask, revealing Peter Parker. "Spill the tea Friday!" F.R.I.D.A.Y rattled off "the avengers have said a total of twelve stupid things today, shall I print them for you?" "Yes!"]

> Daily Posts @ Incorrect_Avengers

I just turned 18 so I thought this post was fitting.

Peter walked into the lounge, seeing the Avengers look dumbstruck at their phones.

Harley looked impressed.

"Kid, why?"

"Because I could."

"He's a mini stark!" Rhodey whispered in mock horror.

Peter smiled to himself.

"Also, happy birthday kid," Tony said.

"Thanks dad." Peter sat down Next to Harley, who wrapped an arm around him.

They'd deal with the press later.

..........

A/N: tbh, I just wanted to shitpost. Which incorrect, but totally correct quite was your favorite ?