▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

CHAPTER FIFTY FIVE - 🍂 ୧ I want. . .
to feel something again ও🦌

LILY EVANS WAS A FAMILIAR FIGURE in the halls of Hogwarts, recognized primarily for the time when renowned prankster James Potter had relentlessly tried to capture her attention. Talk spread, even leading to bets on whether she would eventually give in to his advances. However, as unexpectedly as James' infatuation had begun, it waned, redirecting his interest towards another redhead, which sent whispers throughout the school.

Lily, however, knew that such assumptions were unfounded. While Autumn shared the same fiery red hair, Lily was aware that the Ravenclaw was far from a substitute.

She couldn't help but smile wryly as she thought about the rumours that had spread about her and James. It seemed like Hogwarts loved to gossip, especially about the dynamics between its student body. But she knew the truth - James' interest in her had been fleeting, and now, he was wholeheartedly captivated by Autumn. Yet, she also knew that there was no comparison between them.

She found comfort and connection within the group of Autumn, Raven, and their then-friend Elliot. It was during this time that she discovered a sense of belonging, a group that helped her heal after severing ties with Severus.

Over the summer, she unexpectedly found herself falling in love with Elliot' . Despite the briefness of their time together, it held an intense and truthful quality, leaving Lily hopeful for a longer-lasting relationship.

Lily felt a pang of sadness as she remembered her brief relationship with Elliot and his abrupt behaviour change. It all happened so suddenly, and it left her bewildered and hurt. The fact that he had chosen to befriend those who had caused pain and harm to Autumn and others made it even more difficult to understand.

She had thought he was different, someone who cared about kindness and empathy. But his actions proved otherwise, and it left her feeling betrayed and upset. Lily wondered if there had been any signs she missed, any indications that he wasn't the person she thought he was.

So, Lily's heart grew stronger as she chose to shield herself from the prospect of romance, reminding herself that she didn't need a relationship to define her worth. This resolve served as a protective measure for her emotions.

However, despite her outwardly strong demeanour, Lily struggled to maintain this resilience. The reason was simple - surrounded by the happiness of her friends in their relationships. Autumn with James, Remus with Raven, and Peter with Mary. Even free-spirited Sirius indulged in a string of fleeting romances.

Lily's loneliness was palpable, even though she was surrounded by her friends. Witnessing the devotion James showed Autumn and Raven's unwavering support for Remus, she longed to experience emotions like affection and connection again.

Lost in her thoughts, Lily spoke aloud without realizing it, "I want to feel something again." The words hung in the air during their study session with Autumn and Raven.

Raven, who sat beside her, noticed Lily's pensive expression and the soft murmur that escaped her lips. She couldn't help but feel a pang of sympathy for her friend. Turning towards Lily, she gently touched her arm in an attempt to break her from her thoughts.

"Hey," she said quietly, her voice filled with concern. "Everything okay, Lily?"

Startled, Lily snapped out of her contemplative state and realized she had spoken her thoughts out loud. A wave of embarrassment washed over her, and she quickly tried to brush off her slip-up.

"Oh, I..." She trailed off, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "I didn't mean to say that out loud. I was just lost in thought."

Raven squeezed her arm gently, a reassuring smile on her face. "It's alright," she assured her. "Sometimes our thoughts just slip out without realizing it. Don't worry about it."

Autumn, who sat across from them, chimed in, her expression filled with concern. "Are you sure everything's okay, though? You seemed pretty deep in thought there."

Lily forced a small smile, attempting to downplay her feelings. "I'm fine, really," she replied quickly. "Just a lot on my mind, that's all."

The words felt hollow even to her. She knew her friends could see through her, but she didn't want to burden them with her emotional turmoil.

Raven exchanged a glance with Autumn, silently conveying her worry. They both knew Lily well enough to sense that there was something more to her words.

Autumn spoke up, her voice gentle but earnest. "You know you can talk to us if something's bothering you, right?"

Lily sighed, knowing she wouldn't be able to keep up the facade. She appreciated her friends' concern, even though she didn't want to burden them with her emotional baggage.

"I know," she admitted quietly. "It's just... I've been feeling a bit lonely lately, I guess. Watching everyone else happy and in love makes me miss having that kind of connection too."

Lily felt a mix of gratitude and shame as her friends reassured her. She knew she was lucky to have such supportive and understanding friends, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being selfish, desiring something that seemed out of reach.

"I know you guys are there for me," she said quietly. "It's just that sometimes it's hard not to feel like I'm the only one still single and alone."

Raven reached out and placed her hand over Lily's, gently squeezing it. "Just because you're not in a relationship right now doesn't mean you're alone," she reminded her. "We may have partners, but you're an integral part of our group. We care about you and value our friendship with you just as much as any romantic relationship."

Lily sighed and shook her head, attempting to dismiss the topic. "That's the thing, Rave," she confessed. "I value our friendship above anything else. It's just a sudden feeling, I'm sure it will pass." With a slight pang of melancholy, she reached for her quill and opened a book, signaling her desire to end the conversation.

Raven and Autumn exchanged concerned glances, fully aware that Lily was deflecting the topic. They knew she valued their friendship deeply, but it was evident that something was troubling her.

Raven gave Lily's hand one last comforting squeeze before withdrawing it, quietly acknowledging her friend's desire to end the conversation. They both silently agreed to not press the issue further, even though they were worried about her.

Autumn leaned back in her chair, her eyes watching Lily carefully, concerned about her friend's sudden attempt to change the topic. She could sense Lily's discomfort and could tell there was more she wasn't saying. However, she reluctantly decided to respect her friend's wishes and let the matter go for now.

But both she and Raven silently vowed to keep a close eye on Lily, determined to support her through whatever inner turmoil she was experiencing.

...

Despite her attempts to conceal her mood shift, Lily's friends slowly began to notice the changes in her behaviour. Days passed since their conversation during the study session with Autumn and Raven, and Lily found herself increasingly haunted by self-doubt.

Thankfully, the girls had respected her privacy and hadn't mentioned the topic. However, her self-awareness became a burden, fueling her need for solitude.

During one of her solitary moments, Lily found herself near Hagrid's hut and inexplicably ended up at the edge of the forbidden forest.

The forbidden forest loomed before Lily, its dense foliage and eerie silence offering a stark contrast to the bustling Hogwarts castle. Though not a stranger to this place due to her friendship with the group the dark and mysterious surroundings did not cross her mind.

She stood at the edge, the line between safe and forbidden blurry as she looked into the endless sea of trees. A strange sense of calm washed over her, numbing her thoughts and emotions.

Lily took a deep breath, inhaling the earthy scent of the forest. It was a stark contrast from the usual hustle and bustle of the castle, but she couldn't deny the strange sense of comfort it provided her.

The quiet whispering of the trees and the chirping of unseen creatures created a soothing ambience that seemed to drown out the noise of her thoughts. Despite the danger that lurked within, there was a certain allure to this secluded sanctuary.

Without fully realizing why, Lily found herself taking a tentative step into the forest, the foliage closing around her silently. The sunlight danced through the leaves, painting shadows on the ground as she ventured further into the darkness.

Leaves rustled beneath her feet with each step, the sound adding to the eerie yet peaceful atmosphere. It was as if the forest was welcoming her into its embrace, enveloping her in its secluded solitude.

In the distance, she could hear the faint sounds of wildlife - birds perched on branches, small creatures scurrying between trees, and the occasional rustle of leaves as a small creature moved through the undergrowth.

She paused, taking in her surroundings. The sunlight struggled to break through the dense canopy above, casting a dappled pattern of shadows on the forest floor. A sense of seclusion and solitude surrounded her, offering a sanctuary from the noise and commotion of Hogwarts.

Lily continued walking deeper into the forest, her footsteps soft and muffled by the undergrowth beneath her feet. The trees seemed to stand vigil on either side of her path, silently watching her as she made her way through their domain.

The quiet serenity of the forest became more pronounced with each step, the sound of leaves and twigs crunching under her feet the only disruption to the peaceful atmosphere. The air was thick with the earthy scent of damp leaves and moss, a soothing contrast to the usually bustling students.

As Lily leaned against the tree, she didn't notice the figure hidden among the shadows, silently watching her. The mysterious observer's eyes followed her every movement, their gaze unwavering.

For a moment, the only sound was the gentle rustling of leaves and the whispered breeze that played through the forest. The peacefulness of the surroundings seemed to encircle her, creating a small bubble of tranquillity as she closed her eyes.

Elliot cursed silently, struggling with the feeling of creepiness as he observed Lily from the shadows. A nagging question echoed in his mind: why was she alone in the forbidden forest?

He glanced around furtively, searching for any sign of the others, but there was no one in sight. Frustration gripped him, as he had intended to meet up with Regulus just outside the forest, but the sight of the red hair had compelled him to change course.

Initially fearful that it was Autumn he had seen, who was known for her solitary ventures, he was surprised to find it was Lily instead.

As Elliot observed Lily from the shadows, a mixture of curiosity and frustration washed over him. The sight of her standing alone in the forbidden forest had drawn his attention.

He couldn't help but feel a pang of concern, wondering why she had ventured here alone. Was she meeting someone, or was she simply seeking solace in the secluded environment?

Uncertain how to proceed, Elliot remained hidden in the shadows, watching her every move while silently debating his next course of action.

Despite his conflicted feelings, Elliot couldn't tear his gaze away from Lily. Her face was relaxed, her eyes still closed as she leaned against the tree. The peacefulness of the surroundings contrasts with the chaos of his thoughts.

He silently cursed under his breath, torn between approaching and revealing his presence or remaining hidden in the shadows. The desire to see her, to talk to her, warred with the uncertainty of his own emotions.

"You are trespassing on Hogwarts grounds," Lily firmly corrected, her eyes slowly opening to meet Elliot's gaze. Startled, he flinched at her words, his body frozen in place. But as she turned her head towards the tree he was attempting to conceal himself behind, his throat went dry.

Caught off guard by Lily's unexpected words, Elliot felt his heart race as he realized he had been discovered. He held himself still, his body pressed against the tree, trying to remain inconspicuous.

However, as her gaze shifted towards the tree he was attempting to conceal himself behind, he instinctively swallowed. Her firm tone and knowing eyes froze him in place, his mind scrambling for a response or action to take.

"I... I wasn't..." Elliot began, his words faltering as he struggled to come up with an explanation. His heart pounded in his chest, the sound echoing in his ears.

He realized that his attempt to stay hidden had failed, and he was now exposed beneath the scrutiny of her gaze. His mind raced, trying to come up with an explanation that would somehow absolve him of his spying.

"I was just... passing by," he managed to say weakly, his voice sounding unconvincing even to his own ears. He could feel the heat rising in his cheeks, embarrassed by his failed attempt to remain unnoticed.

He shifted awkwardly, his hands fidgeting by his sides as he tried his best to maintain eye contact with her, though his nerves threatened to make him look away.

Lily's eyes narrowed, a mix of annoyance and curiosity on her face as she studied Elliot's nervous demeanour. She could tell he was lying about simply "passing by," his body language betraying his true intentions.

"Just passing by, huh?" she repeated, her voice laced with scepticism. "You were hiding behind a tree, not exactly the behaviour of someone casually passing by."

Elliot's cheeks flushed brighter, his mind racing as he tried to come up with a believable explanation. He realized his pathetic attempt to hide had failed miserably and he was now under the intense scrutiny of Lily's gaze.

"I... I wasn't hiding," he protested weakly, but the words sounded hollow even to him. He shifted awkwardly, avoiding her gaze, knowing he was caught in a web of lies he couldn't escape.

Lily raised an eyebrow, her expression a mixture of disbelief and annoyance. "Right," she said dryly, her voice dripping with scepticism. "You weren't hiding, you were... what? Practising your tree-hugging skills?"

Elliot responded to her remark with a puzzled expression on his face. Lily sighed as she noticed his confusion and clarified, "It's a muggle reference.'' She then crossed her arms before inquiring, "So, why exactly are you here? Is it to meet with your Death Eater acquaintances or for something else?"

"I'm not here to fraternize with Death Eaters," Elliot replied, rolling his eyes in response to her jab.

Lily raised an eyebrow playfully and added sarcastically, "Ah, so just trespassing on Hogwarts grounds then? How daring of you."

Elliot rolled his eyes again, feeling slightly provoked by her sarcastic remark. "I didn't mean to trespass," he retorted defensively. "I was just..."

His voice trailed off as he realized he had no legitimate excuse for lurking around the forbidden forest. He scratched the back of his head sheepishly, mumbling, "I was supposed to meet with someone, but then I saw you..."

"You saw me," Lily repeated, her annoyance now mixing with intrigue. She observed his sheepish demeanour, sensing there was more to the story.

"And you decided to follow me?" she asked, a hint of irritation in her voice. "I didn't realize I was so fascinating."

"No, it's not that," he protested quickly. "I just... wanted to make sure you were okay."

The words slipped out before he could even register what he was saying. He froze, realizing he had accidentally admitted his true motive: concern for her safety and well-being.

Lily's eyes widened at his unexpected admission. The mixture of annoyance and scepticism on her face softened, replaced by a hint of surprise.

"You were concerned about me?" she inquired, her voice softer than before. The shift in her tone indicated a trace of vulnerability that Elliot's words had unexpectedly triggered.

"Your actions speak louder than words. Leaving behind breaking relationships and disregarding the feelings of others clearly shows a lack of genuine concern. It's surprising that you even possess an ounce of empathy." Lily replied with an icy glare.

Her cold response left Elliot speechless for a moment. He hadn't expected such a cutting remark after his admission of concern.

He clenched his fists, his shoulders tensing as frustration mingled with the feelings of guilt. "You don't know the full story," he retorted defensively.

Lily raised an eyebrow quizzically, her gaze never leaving his face. "Oh, do enlighten me then," she said coolly. "What part of the story justifies your hurtful actions and disregard for others' feelings?"

Elliot hesitated, caught off guard by her directness. He opened his mouth to respond, then closed it, finding himself at a loss for words. What could he possibly say to justify his actions?

He shifted uncomfortably, his gaze flickering between hers and the ground. "It's complicated," he muttered weakly.

"Complicated," Lily echoed, her voice laced with sarcasm. She tilted her head slightly, studying his expression. "How convenient for you. Using that word to make excuses for your hurtful behaviour."

She stepped closer to him, closing the distance between them, her eyes locked on his. "Is it really that complicated, or are you just afraid to admit the truth?"

Elliot swallowed hard, feeling the weight of her gaze upon him. Her words struck a nerve, touching a truth he didn't want to acknowledge.

He couldn't meet her gaze, his eyes darting away from hers. "It's more than being afraid," he mumbled, his voice barely above a whisper.

Lily's eyes softened for a brief moment. She observed his averted gaze and the conflicted expression on his face. Despite her annoyance at his actions, she sensed there was more to the story.

"Then tell me," she pressed gently, her tone slightly kinder than before. "Help me understand why you did what you did."

Elliot hesitated, torn between the desire to confide in her and the fear of revealing his vulnerabilities. The warmth in her tone tugged at his heart, but he couldn't help but feel a pang of self-defence.

"Why do you even care?" he retorted, a hint of bitterness in his voice. "Why does it matter to you?"

Lily's index finger jabbed forcefully into his chest as she scowled. A mix of anger and disbelief etched across her face, her voice rose in frustration. "Don't even attempt to spin this around," she growled, "You don't get to play the victim here. If you'd just talked to me, or anyone, you wouldn't have felt the need to go solo and play the hero."

An edge crept into Elliot's tone as he spat his retort, the words slipping out before he could stop them. "It was to protect you guys!"

Lily stood her ground, unwavering, refusing to back down, and met Elliot's gaze with unwavering determination," Was isolating yourself the only option?" Her voice was sharp with frustration. "So you separate yourself for our sake? That's not protecting, that's cowardice. You chose the easy way out, without even considering the consequences it would have on those you claim to care about." Her finger still jabbed at his chest, the anger in her eyes blazing.

The words stung, piercing the wall of defence Elliot had built around himself. He clenched his jaw, struggling against the wave of emotions crashing over him.

He wanted to fight back, to defend himself, but Lily's determination and the truth in her words made it difficult. Deep within him, he knew she was right, and that knowledge twisted at his heart.

He inhaled a shaky breath, trying to steady his voice against the storm of emotions churning inside. "You don't understand," he murmured weakly.

"Oh, I think I understand perfectly well," Lily retorted, her words biting. "You made a choice based on your own misguided beliefs and failed to see the bigger picture. The problem is, you weren't thinking about anyone but yourself. You took it upon yourself to 'protect' us without considering the repercussions of your actions."

Elliot felt a pang of guilt at her words, knowing deep down that she was right. He had acted impulsively, without fully thinking through the consequences of his decisions.

He struggled to find a response, his mind racing for a counterargument, but Lily continued her onslaught before he could speak.

"You don't get to blame it on your intentions or claim you were trying to protect us. You left us hurting and confused without even a backward glance. Is that really the behaviour of someone who cares about others?"

His shoulders sagged, the weight of her words pressing down on him like a heavy burden. It was the truth he had tried to avoid, to ignore, but now it was laid bare before him.

He exhaled a shaky breath, his voice barely a whisper as he admitted, "No, it's not."

Lily's expression softened slightly as Elliot's response. She could see the guilt and regret etched on his face, the truth of her words finally sinking in.

"Then why did you do it?" she questioned, her voice quieter now. "Why did you think pushing us away was the answer?"

"Because what I am doing is dangerous, and it can lead to..." Elliot cringed away, cutting himself off as he spoke, his face giving away the seriousness of the situation.

"Don't bloody tell me it can lead to death," Lily said monotonously, her eyes growing wide as she took in the expression on his face. "No."

Lily's words hung in the air as Elliot stumbled over his words, his face contorting in cringe. In response, Lily spoke again, her voice turning worried and her eyes widening with surprise. She reached out and grabbed his cloak in a firm grip, her voice growing more urgent," Don't you dare say that you're doing something dangerous.. something that can end your life."

Elliot stood there in silence, his eyes slowly closing, unable to deny her words. His lack of response spoke volumes; it was an answer in and of itself.

Lily felt a sense of dread settle in the pit of her stomach as Elliot's words still ringing in her ears and his face gave away the gravity of his situation.

As his eyes closed and he remained silent, she gripped his cloak tightly, her voice filled with a mixture of disbelief and anguish. "You can't be serious," she whispered, her eyes widening in horror.

She searched his face for any sign of denial or reassurance, but his silence spoke volumes, confirming her worst fears.

The weight of the situation hung heavily in the air, the silence between them deafening. His lack of response was as good as a confirmation, and Lily felt a wave of fear and anger wash over her.

"How could you be so reckless?" she practically yelled, clenching her fists as she continued, "You're really risking your life? For what..."

Elliot took a chance and gently caressed Lily's cheek with one of his hands as he spoke, his voice soft yet earnest. "So you guys can survive this war," he said, holding her gaze.

Lily's breath caught in her throat as Elliot's hand gently traced the contour of her face, her anger momentarily fading at the softness of his touch.

His words hung in the air, the weight of their meaning sinking in. She searched his eyes, looking for any hint of doubt or reluctance, but all she found was determination and sincerity.

"At what cost?" she whispered weakly, her voice trembling.

Elliot's expression softened as he held her gaze, his fingers still gently caressing her cheek. He felt a pang of guilt at the pain in her eyes, but his determination remained unshaken.

"Sometimes, sacrifices have to be made," he replied quietly, his words laced with a mixture of resignation and defiance.

Lily swallowed hard, her mind racing through all the possible outcomes. She reached up to place her hand over his, her grip firm as she gently pushed his hand away from her face.

"You can't do this," she said firmly, her voice betraying a hint of desperation. "You can't just throw your life away like it means nothing."

Elliot's eyes flickered with a mixture of sadness and resolve. He understood her fear and concern, but his determination to protect them remained steadfast.

"I'm not throwing my life away," he replied quietly, his voice steady. "I'm doing what needs to be done, no matter the cost."

Lily bit her lip, her expression one of determination and concern. "Please let me help you," she implored, her eyes pleading with him to accept her offer.

Elliot hesitated for a moment, torn between his desire to protect her and his stubborn determination to face the danger alone.

He wanted to push her away, to shield her from the perils ahead, yet her determination and the plea in her eyes tugged at his heart.

He exhaled a shaky breath, his voice betraying his mixed emotions. "It's too dangerous," he protested, his words sounding less convincing than he intended.

"Please," Lily persisted, her voice quivering with emotion. "I can't just stand by and watch you go into danger without helping you."

She stepped closer to him, her eyes searching his face, pleading for him to understand. "Let me fight beside you," she continued, her voice growing resolute. "We're stronger together."

Elliot smiled at Lily with an intense gaze as he leaned in closer, their eyes locking. With a soft breath, Elliot's lips gently brushed against hers in a brief kiss, answering her words without words. But as quickly as it happened, Elliot withdrew, shaking his head with an apologetic expression.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, his voice cracked with emotion, as he met Lily's broken gaze. She tried to reach for him, but just as she did, Elliot disappeared with a crack of Apparition, thanks to Dumbledore's assistance and the amulet he wore it was possible to Apparate on Hogwarts grounds.

She stood there, frozen in disbelief, her lips tingling from the brief yet profound connection they had shared.

The weight of his absence washed over her, the emptiness he left behind like a void. She touched her lips gently, recalling the brief moment of intimacy they had shared, but it only made the pain of his departure more pronounced.

"Elliot..." she whispered, her voice barely audible.

The image of his guilt-ridden expression replayed in her mind, a stark contrast to the determined determination he had displayed just moments before.