Dear Friends,
I am going to start this off by saying, I'm sorry. I am so sorry that I am a selfish coward. I know it is selfish and cowardly to do what I am about to do. I know it is selfish to leave like this and leave you behind. I just can't do this anymore, even if I am a coward. I tried and tried and they even cheered me on. But I still have that urge to pick up a blade or run into a busy street, so I feel like the cheer was in vain. They told me that everything will get better but that's a lie. Nothing ever gets better, it only gets worse. The only thing that changes is that you build a slight tolerance to the pain to make it easier. Your life slowly crumbles and gets harder but you don't notice. Remember as a kid you thought getting punished was the absolute worst and the most stressful thing that could ever happen? Well, look at yourself now. It all seems silly compared to problems now because you are used to the pain. You are slowly having a higher tolerance for the pain. As a kid, you had none so that felt like the end of the world. However now, it just seems like a completely ridiculous thing.

I am a coward. Only a coward would run away from their problems. Only cowards would kill themselves or have dreams of running away. The sad part is that in that dream I was so happy. I was so free from all the things that haunted me in life. The sad part about killing myself is that this isn't the first time that I have tried. Honestly, I can't count on one hand how many times I have planned something out and written a note. If I am going to go down a selfish coward, I mind as well try to be a little selfless by not taking my reasons to the grave.

I am not a good person. I manipulate people to do the things I want them to do. I am a sick puppet master with my friends and family as the puppets. All I have to do is say 'Oh my throat hurts' and give a disgusting sad eye to make somebody take pity on my fakery and give me a cough drop. Why didn't I just ask them politely instead of doing such a thing? Honestly, I have no idea. I just get whatever I want, making me greedy and selfish. I try so hard to ask for nothing but in the end, I just end up manipulating somebody to get it anyways. It is a never-ending cycle. I wish I would stop but I find myself doing it all the time. It has gotten so bad that my mother doesn't even wait for me to even try to manipulate her. She just does everything for me just because she knows what I want. It is almost robotic on how she does everything. On cue, she gets whatever drink I wish for and food then gets me my clothes. She makes me all of my food, picks out all of my outfits, and even chooses what I should do. Honestly who even is the puppet master at that point. Is it me or is it my enslaved mother?

I am mean. I am so mean, I don't think anybody should ever consider me kind. Kind Kattie they said in Algebra class, well that's before you met me. Only somebody who is mean would manipulate people for their own greedy and selfish need. Only somebody who is mean would be sarcastic and try to make somebody who is in pain laugh instead of cry. Why would I tell them to bottle up their feelings when I do that and I know it isn't a good thing? Why do I do these things and consider them 'friends'? If anything I have just turned them into another one of my puppets to add to my collection. I am not a good person, and I shouldn't be anybody's friend. I am an awful human being, and I have no kindness.

I just can't stand to live in this world anymore. I am only part of the taint that infects people. I am not a good person, and I shouldn't be alive. Even at the start, I wasn't supposed to be alive. I basically tried to hang myself when I was supposed to be born. Guess I was born to do this huh? I have always been a child of death from day one. I know I have always said that anything is possible if you just try but... Even that, in the end, is a lie. That's just another one of those lies I tell myself and others to manipulate into thinking that everything is okay. Nothing is okay can't you see? This world is rotten with tainted people like me!

I am just another selfish and cowardly person in the world who shouldn't have been born. I don't understand why anyone would be around me. Maybe they are a masochist or they simply have no realization of what is happening? Or maybe we really are friends but I just can't grasp the concept? That wouldn't be the first time I was not grasping something due to my ignorance.
In the end, I guess none of that matters. You shouldn't have become friends with me, I am only trouble. Please just don't hate me or... maybe you should. I really don't want to be even more selfish and ask you not to hate me. Then again the thought of everyone hating me is... painful.
I really do wish this could've gone another way. I wish that I was more carefree and less selfish. Maybe then I could be in school and laugh with you guys. Just the thought makes me tear up. I have to be honest... I really care about you guys. I know I have been greedy and awful to you but you were a shining bright thing in my life that I just wanted to keep. I love being ridiculous and talking about stupid things together. I wish I was like that instead of this. Oh, how I really wish it was like that instead of this. I just want to be next to you and just laugh my heart out and make awful puns and jokes. I just want to sit there as you complain about me being total Undertale trash. I know it is selfish to think like that when I am about to do something that is the opposite of that. I know it is awful that I am doing this but please, I just want the pain to end! I just... I can't stand the thought of me being the reason you don't smile but... I just... I'm scared and tired of trying. I'm tired of standing up only to stumble and be knocked down. I am tired of searching for some kind of hope in an empty desert of pain.

I am so sorry. I just can't take this pressure anymore. I can't handle trying to be perfect and pretend like I am fine. I can't handle the pressure of society always yelling that it is bad to kill yourself. Then what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to live in pain? Am I supposed to keep on living and hurting those around me? Why are you always thinking of new things to throw at me? I say I need help then you tell me that I will go to hell for killing myself. I say I am in pain and you say get over it. I say I really need somebody and you say that I am such an attention seeker. I say I can't do this anymore and you say I am a drama queen. Then as soon as I say that I am going to commit suicide you try to convince me no? I just don't understand. Then after I am dead you call me a coward and say that I deserve to be dead. Does society want me alive or dead? Do I matter or am I just one in 7.5 billion people?

I just don't understand. I understand why I can't just be one of those normal people who treasure life. Why am I one of those people who understand from experience what it's like to chug down so many pills in an attempt of suicide that you vomit? Why did I end up with a life that just kicks me at any moment it can? Sometimes I think to myself, it was worth it for being alive for one more day. Sometimes I am actually happy. My mother can always tell when that happens. She always gives me a face and asks 'whats gotten you so excited?'. She has gotten so used to my fake grin that she thinks my real smile is me being excited. Honestly, I am just happy at that second, am I allowed to be?

I saw this little girl while going to comic-con that really warmed up my heart. She was super nice and held the door for everyone. Then she ran to her mother and waved hi to everyone. She was so innocent and nice, it just really made me happy. It made me happy to know that at least one person in the world is truly happy and living to be kind. Even if that is just a 5-year-old little girl that I saw in a mall. She was just so free and glee, it made me smile for real. Of course, my mother questioned me for it. I'm just not allowed a single moment of being truly happy I guess.

I just feel like nothing is on my side anymore, that nothing should be on my side anymore. I don't think that I am a good person or that I can be a good person. Everyone has their mask that they wear in front of everybody. Everyone has that mask that defines them to others. Then under the mask is their true self. All their real thoughts and actions. I just drew a happy face on my mask and people believed it. They never even dared to look under my mask and see the darkness that I hid.

Guess that doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore. I am so sorry that you became friends with a selfish coward. I am so sorry that you became one of the people that would read this and feel that awful lump in your throat. Yes, I know that feeling. Do you really think I haven't felt that feeling before? I know that this is going to be hard, and you might even read this over again to be sure. I know I did that, oh did I check. I tried to call them, text them, anything. I'm sorry though because this isn't a joke. I don't even know if you will ever get to read this, to be honest. Maybe I will just disappear from your life and you won't care. The thought alone is enough to haunt me. Please, know that I really do care and that... I tried. I really tried, for all of you.

From your friend,
Kattie.