I know I like to joke around a lot and like to joke that I am super sad but on the inside, I really am hurting. 

I just keep telling lie after lie and it is really catching up to me. All the lies that I have buried myself are starting to suffocate and crush me. 

I tell others I am fine and laugh everything off as if life and death is a joke. Honestly, at this point, my views on it all is a joke.

At one point I am telling my friends I am super happy to be with them, the next I find myself writing a suicide note wondering why the hell even try?

Every time I think I am doing something right or life is getting better it suddenly gets worse again. Suddenly life comes back to me to go for round 2. Honestly, at this rate, life is going to get a fatality. I can't keep going on like this.

I wanna be someone and be happy and normal but I just can't. I can't pretend to be somebody I am not anymore. I am not happy and I am not okay.

My therapist thinks that just because my anxiety is getting better I MUST be feeling better too. That's just stupid to think. I still want to kill myself or hurt myself beyond belief. I just want to run away and never come back. I just want to jump off that bridge across from my old middle school. I don't want to be here anymore! 

I keep telling myself day after day that maybe tomorrow will be better but it never is. What if Halloween makes it better? It didn't. What if comic con makes it better? It didn't. What if Thanksgiving makes it better? Well, you know what. It probably won't. I will probably just sit at a table, lie about being happy to be alive, and eat. Then I am stuck to communicate with others all day until I go home to cry myself to sleep. Wow, doesn't that sound like fun?

I just don't know what to live for at this point. Nobody needs me. I am just that girl who pretends to be happy, lies to everyone, and begs for attention like a little brat. Hell, even right now while writing this I am doing that exact thing. I just can't do anything without trying to please myself. It only matters if it's about me huh? I am so goddamn selfish.

Hell even with @sansislife12 I didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone who is in that position the same as you? That would just be hypocritical to tell her not to when I clearly have a noose in my closet. Yet it is wrong to just say go ahead. Either way, I am an asshole.

I just really can't do this anymore. This has been a losing battle from the start. I knew what I was doing when I first touched that cold blade to my skin and felt the addicting sting of each cut. I knew what I was doing when I used my resources to my advantage and made a noose out of an old pair of stretchy pants. I knew what I was doing when I typed my suicide note piece by piece and have it saved in a draft to email to my friends at any time.

I know what I am doing because I have done this time and time again. I know what I am doing because I don't want it all to fail. I don't want to live anymore. I don't have anything else to keep me going at this point. I have nothing else.

Guess what I am saying is... Should I do it? I have the time and resources... I just don't know if I should. I could stay and keep living like this. Then again, who really wants to? At this point, I just don't care what happens to me. I never wanted to be a part of this world. I plan on ending myself before the world can stop me.

Yeah, I have my doubts and the few reasons why I want to stay. I want to stay with my best friend who is just as messed up as me and I worry about her daily. I want to stay with my mother, who I wonder if she will follow in my footsteps if I try. I want to stay for them, and my other friends but...

I just dont know. 

I really don't know.