I came across a question today... It asked me what I thought of myself.... well.... here it is.

Well, I see myself as a young girl who has some issues in her life. She uses the internet and magical worlds and fantasies like fandoms to hide behind her pain and imagine another life. She is always seeking attention, needing it desperately. She needs it so much she hurts herself for it, slowly devolving into something else entirely. She drowns herself in self-hatred and wishes for horrible things to happen to her, knowing that it is an easy way to earn attention. She desires love and affection like an addict desires their drug. It is her addiction in a way, and she knows that she has to give it up. In reality, her insecurities mostly either spawned from abandonment or from her own self-hate. She just wants to be loved and to keep feeling that affection and attention every day. Despite her wishes, nobody could ever give her such a thing, leaving her in a constant state of depression. Her brightest moments are only with others, but it has to be about her. She is selfish in that way, only wanting all the attention for herself. She knows it is a horrible deed, so she tries her hardest to give her attention to others. Her own desires always somehow breakthrough, however, leaving her still trying to reach for something. What is she hoping to get in the end? Doesn't she know that even if she got what she wanted, that there is still more life? She would only feel emptier inside at the fact she now has nothing else to desire. She has everything, leaving life meaningless. Life is just a constant state of sadness in her mind. She knows that it is all meaningless, but blames those thoughts on her desires. She wasn't truly depressed, she was only thinking that way for attention. She didn't even deserve to feel hopeless or lost, she deserved to feel nothing at all. She deserved death as nothing would ever please her in the end. She is selfish and greedy, something that she knows all too well. Even though she knows of this, however, she continues on with her greed. She still tells others of her pain, knowing it will give her that sweet attention and love she desired. She still manipulates those around her, feeding off of whatever attention she can get. She truly is a monster or a demon in disguise. Yet, she is a young girl. She laughs at stupid things like cat videos. She is inspired every day by her older brother who she admires more than anything in the world. She writes fanfiction and reads, getting lost in another world where at least she was better, or nonexistent. She dreams to be an animator one day and to even animate as a living. Despite being so evil, she has dreams and wishes too. She is talented and special, which only makes everything so much worse. With everyone telling her how talented or how special she is, it only makes everything harder. That means if she ever slips up, or does something too drastic they could all hate her. All the attention and love she needs would be gone in an instant. It is a long and stressful tightrope that the girl walks upon. Her desires and wishes are at war with each other, making her emotions so confused. She makes stupid promises that only make the tightrope worse, like promising that she wouldn't kill herself from the pain. What was she thinking to promise such a thing? All of it would make her dizzy, and almost make her lose her footing on the rope. If she were to ever fall, however, she would be dead and there is no going back from that. She wonders what she will do with her life, with her anxiety and fears fighting in the war as well. Does everyone know of her selfish addiction? Will her dreams ever come true? Is she even ready for the real world, to grow up and become an adult? It all weighs on her shoulders, making it harder to concentrate on the tightrope. The poor girl is walking a fine line, one that will certainly end terribly. She had made too many promises that she can't keep. She has too strong of a hopeless desire. She has too big of a reputation to run. She has too many worries filling her brain.

While I don't know when, or how, I feel like I am going to lose this fight. Despite having so many to look up to and love, I feel like I am going to fall. I don't know how long I can go like this. I am so tired of walking this tightrope. The rope is starting to burn my feet, and the weight is slowly breaking my bones. I may look fine, and I might look like something special. I am not. I am just another suicidal teenager in high school, who is struggling to make it in life. I am just like everyone else. I am trying to be more than that, I am trying to be better for my friends and all who I know. I try for Meagan, I try for Sansislife12, I try for my brother, I try for my mother, I try for Samone, and I try for Sade. I try so hard, but yet that doesn't make anything easier. I am still walking a tightrope, and I am still so tired. I am writing this with a primal fear that my life just might end. Despite my primal side trying to survive, my demons are taking over. My demons are like a creature that stands on my shoulder. It whispers things in my ear, terrible things that you can barely ignore. Sometimes you can drown them out and pretend that the demons aren't there. Although most days, I can't stop hearing its calls. I am sick. Not physically, but rather mentally as all my therapists have told me over the years. Even from the start in kindergarten, I had a therapist. Even from the start, I was sick, it's just mutated and got worse over the years. I am not strong. I am not smart. I am not kind. And I am not going to make it in this world, but that's okay. After reading so many stories that turned out fine without me ever even existing.... I know that everything will be okay! Everyone will soon forget about me, or even use my death as a reason to keep going. Despite the fact, my mother threatened that she would kill herself if anything ever happened to me or my brother, I know that she will be put on some kind of suicide watch. In the end, the world will be fine. My friends already perform fine with me barely being in school. They wouldn't even notice that I am gone. I am not afraid of planning suicide. I am not afraid of thinking about it. I just don't understand one thing, however. Why is it that every time I go to hang myself or overdose I.... flinch. I stop and feel a dread come over me. Is it my primal side trying to tell me not to do it? I don't understand. I have only pain to live on for. That fact is very apparent. So why do I stop myself every time? It is the only reason I have never fully committed. Maybe next time I can fight it but... I don't know. It just swoops in and tries to save me from my demise. I feel so alone, but then again I deserve it. I shouldn't give in to my desire, I deserve no attention or love. Heck, if this gets any views or if my friend sees this, I know I will feel guilty. I made somebody feel bad, and it is all my fault. I just feel so alone right now but that's okay... in the end....

I deserve it.