hello, I am shawn.

So, if you didn't know already I kind of broke my streak of being clean, I haven't made scars but I've made little pinches among myself on my wrist and arms to purposely give myself pain, yes it felt good but it wasn't right to do. I Kind of starve myself purposely because I didn't feel the need for eating or existing anymore,Just because I really am not okay mentally.

And to say that means I hit rock bottom really really hard. I wanted to update my author wiki with updates of my mental health because this me, this is who I am mentally, most people know me for being happy all the time and giving laughs and sweet sweet poetry.

But I'm in pain, and I can't say no one cares because I'm pretty sure a million of you do, but I'm scared to communicate and also I want to use my platform to address these things. To be more raw and open with my readers. To show that maybe someone is going through the same thing they are.

So I think I've officially hit rock bottom, the reason I'm going to tell you I don't want you to feel bad for me, pity me or in anyways excuse me.

So recently even before this incident I've been feeling unlike myself, I'm lost. That I don't know who I am, and to tell you the truth I haven't for years and years of pain,guilt, pressure, bulling. And attempted suicide, changes in behavior to please others it takes a huge toll on me.

This is my raw emotions. If you can't take deep content, please leave. because I'm sick of being judged for how I feel, I'm sick of being pushed away for my feelings. So please leave if you don't wanna hear it. Continue you to see me how ever the fuck you see me.

I suffer from depression, with a side of anxiety. I get anxious and sad for no reasons at all, it'll happen in class I'll want to cry, or I'll stay in the bathroom for a good ten minutes holding back my tears. I cry in my room balled up in the covers until my fucking head is pounding and then I fall asleep. and that feels normal to me, that eases me I feel better.

I feel as if the world hates me, I hate me. I have a tug of war with life and death everyday wondering which one will falter.

I can't talk to people because no one really listens to me, no one tries to understand me,no matter what I do I know I'm in the wrong, wether I know I am or I'm not. If I am in the wrong and I'm trying to talk it out like adults to see what we can fix, I'm ignored for it, I'm pushed to the side, I'm cursed out, or put down.

Can't we just communicate?

Recently for the past years I've been pretending to have friends, due to lack of growing up without any i was a loner, that no one would hang out with, that no one understood. That everyone would shun out because they stuck accusations on me that they wouldn't even try to see if it was true.

People using me, and still are till this day, as they talk behind my back, makes me think I'm the bad guy cause I've done some bad shit that must be atoned for, I get it I should be myself. I should love myself.

I understand all of that, but I can't do this alone, I need someone whom is going to take my bad with the good and stick by me no matter what, who is going to listen to me without shunning me out. Who is going to encourage me to do the right things.

Who will try to understand me and realize that I am a human and we make mistakes. Sometimes in life we make the same mistakes until we finally learn.

So this is me:
In my broken state asking for help, admitting I need help and I need to heal, but I have a fear of being alone due to dark things I did in the past when I was left alone when I hit rock bottom.

And then those around me ask me "why do I bottle up my feelings?" Because when I do speak y'all run away, as if I'm poison. And maybe I am.

My name is shawn:

Yes I can be selfish. Yes I'm impatient. Yes I am implosive, yes I can be cruel, yes I can be too outspoken. Yes I can be defensive. Yes I'm loud. Yes I'm a coward. Yes I can be ugly. Yes I can be greedy. Yes I can be petty. Yes I'm out of control.

But aside from those bad qualities is a : hardworking,ambitious,caring,
loving,funny,honest,compassionate,generous,sincere ,fair,patient,loyal young black woman.

I'm a complete nightmare.
But I'm also a sweet dream.

If you just take me for my good and not my bad, you don't fucking deserve me, you should just leave. Because everyone has an angel and a demon upon their shoulders.

Everyone has Cain and Abel.

You can't just accept the Apollo in me without seeing my the tidal waves of me becoming Poseidon.

I'm shawn, a broken person who will better herself and finally make herself happy🦋 thank you to those whom came with me and stayed you'll see my growth too.