Bonus: First Entry: [+1]

★EDEN KARAM★

Score: Automatic 14

★VIOLANTE MERCY GRINNELL★

Score: 13

★LAURUS ENZO★

Score: 11.8

Notes 1:  I have some mixed feelings on your entry. On one hand, I enjoy the way you have the letters incorporated into what you do. I like that aspect of his character. On the other, it feels a bit stiff--when I'm reading, I get very little life. There are some jokes, but you can't just add a joke into something when what it needs is more character and more life. While you've got this great setup and a strong way of writing that is stylistic and neat, I think you're missing out on the true emotions of your character, on your ability to make the character feel alive, and on your ability to distinguish one character from another. In those letters, there wasn't much of a difference between how each talked. It all bled together as one, as though Laurus was the only one through all of that. You need to work on getting into your character more, on expanding emotions and finding ways to incorporate them better, and seeing if you can add, or enhance, certain aspects of Laurus that can make him really pop off the page. What you have is great, but it's missing that one thing that really makes writing breathe.

Notes 2: You chose to use your opt-out this task and I'm glad you did. I feel like I got a lot of insight on to Laurus's character and know more about him than I did before. The letters were touching and sweet, and I particularly liked the way you incorporated in his synopsis in his letter from Uncle Mino. However, I will agree with the other judge on saying that Laurus has a very powerful and distinct voice and we're not seeing as much of it as we used to. The letters are written with Laurus's words, but he doesn't feel attached to them. It's almost like anyone could have written those letters. I know you can really breath life into a piece and I'm hoping that the next task will give you a chance to fill that gap. 

★NEPTUNE SCYLLA★

Score: 10

Notes 1: Here, I can see where your writing has a lot of potential. You have some strong word choices that help your entry. However, I want to give you a piece of advice I learned once. Take your document, and count (or use Find if you have that) how many times you use the word she. Then, get a word count of how many words you have in total. When I first did that in my writing, I was honestly amazed. I used it A LOT and it's a common mistake. You can switch up how a sentence is placed and see if you can get rid of it, or at least change its position in the sentence, and usually there's a good difference in how your writing reads when you do that. Another thing I noticed is that while your writing is strong, you have some clunky sentences that are really bringing you down. Along with that, you also don't portray emotions too strongly. Give us more emotion from Neptune. What is she feeling but, more importantly, HOW. When she's in pain, what does that feel like? Be creative. Is it pain on her arm, or a scorching crisp of flesh that left her trembling in pain, her throat raspy from the screams she held inside. Get deep inside the pain because when you feel it so will we.

Notes 2: This was a shorter entry than I was expecting, and I feel like its length was one of the biggest contributors to your score. You had this amazing setup with Neptune's dreams dissolving into flames but after that it seemed to sizzle out. While your action remains strong, the emotion I'm getting from Neptune slipped in this entry. I wanted to feel the heat and the pain and while it was there, I know you can do stronger. I understand a lot of issues you had this are probably due to your lack of time this round, so I'm hoping to see you make it up in the next. 

★PERCY COLE★

Score: Automatic 14

★CONSTANTINE CRANE★

Score: 13

Notes 1: It'd be nice to get thoughts from Constantine. Also, you have some places where things don't exactly...make sense? "Her chest slowly rose up and down, the only sign that death had taken her rather than a victor." Rather than a victor...what? Death hadn't taken her rather than a victor. I'm not making sense of that. You have some other places, too, where you might need to begin editing more deeply. Read your writing before you send it in, check for these places, because it's strong but it's missing that polished feel of a really good entry, and missing some of the closeness we need to really get into it with Constantine. I do want to say that I had a particular fondness for the line, "new smell in an old rain forest". I loved that. In fact, you had a lot of good descriptions of the fire. Kudos to that! One last reminder: You have some sentences that really should be two or three--not because of length, but because they're entirely different thoughts that don't belong together (and maybe a little for length). Look out for those.

Notes 2: Can I just say that you had some beautiful descriptions in this task? They absolutely blew me away. Your writing was very strong and I adore your interaction with Cadette, as always. There were a few places where I felt like you could have used a quick read-over before submitting, but for the most part it was hard to find a lot of faults. The first judge already touched on this, but some thoughts from Constantine would reall round him out as a character and make him complete. I want to see what he's thinking, how he's processing. It makes him easier to connect with. 

★HERZEL KOZLOWSKI★

Score: Automatic 14 [+1] 15

★SEBASTIAN MERCIER★

Score: 11.5

Notes 1:  Okay, so right away I notice something: In between the really good lines of dialogue you have, you'll have a few lines of repeat that just stand out in a negative way. In your first paragraph, and arguably a very good one, the line of smoke, and then in the next sentence, smoke again, caught me. That was okay, but in the next paragraph there's the smoke again. Then, along with that, you have a repetition of he he he he he. (Not giggling, I do it too.) When writing, try to avoid getting too into a rhythm of sentences. You have these intense, detailed, creative descriptions, but it's weighed down with some clunky sentences. You also have places where the wording is okay, but if you mixed it up, it could add a new level of depth to the writing. One such place is: "Sweat dripped down his neck and saturated his clothing, his feet slipping in the sand." Imagine that as, "His feet slipped in the sand and the saturated clothes clung to him, sweat dripping from his neck as he fell." That may not be the best example, but what I'm trying to say is that by switching up how you write a sentence you can make it less clunky at times, and change how it's read in a way that makes it more pleasing to the reader.

Notes 2:  Sentence structure was a big thing for you this task. Your dialogue was great and you've got some very intense descriptions that really set the stage for Sebastian. But I feel like there were some places where the sentences could have been shortened or broken up and still had the same meaning, and in some cases, even more feeling behind them. The ending made me feel bad for Sebastian, which is a good thing. You should channel the energy I got from those last few lines through the rest of your entry. 

★ADEL ASLET★

Score: 0

★JOSEF THOMAS★

Score: 9.7

Notes 1: You have some great wording, but I think your editing has been slack or you just missed some casual things because your grammar is bringing you down. Your sentences, while holding some great lines, have some awkwardness to them that you need to address. Look into your writing, read it aloud, specifically look for awkward phrasing or things you think could be better. Write multiple versions of one sentence. Fix the issues. In some places, you've got some tense issues. You'll need to work on that and really dig down on your writing to make it better. There's some really good stuff here, but you're not paying enough attention to your writing. At times, I've had to change every single sentence inside of an entry. Even the lines I liked! Because, in the end, it'll make it better.

Notes 2: Josef and Percy are quite the dynamic duo. Yours was one of the first entries we recieved and while normally that's a good thing, I think in this case it may have brought you down. There's some awkward wordiness to a lot of your sentences that detract from the action and characterization you do so well. The last line in your entry blew me away and your fight scene was intense. The best thing for you to do, I think, is when you finish an entry, step back from it. Read a book. Eat a sandwich. Watch a little Netflix. Go outside. Then, come back to it, change the font and the color, and read it again. You'll be surprised how many things you will catch that way. 

★ASHRE RELICKS★

Score: 14

Notes 1: I really love what you've done there, and I can FEEL what you were going for and that's great! One thing I'll have to remind you is not to forget the task when doing this--you have all this great stuff, but I didn't see too much of the task. I know why, but I want to remind you for later on to try and add more of the task alongside this. I think if you had more of the flames you could have done something beautiful with that--flames destroying reality, memory, etc. Something about heat, how it affected him. It felt kinda dazed, which I know was the intention, but in a fire you'd still feel it so that may be something to watch out for. Otherwise, I enjoyed this immensely.

Notes 2: Wow, can you not? Just...can you not? The only thing I missed out on in this entry was the feeling of emergency the fire should have had on him. He was very dazed, very out of it, which worked well, but there still should have been that feeling of "I need to leave immediately".  Don't even get me started on the sandcastles. I don't want to talk about them. I don't want to think about them. Keep doing what you're doing. 

★EVELYN GRAY★

Score: 12.5

Notes 1: Be careful of repeating larger words. Aimlessly is a great word, but after you've used it once, that second time won't have the same impact as the first. Another thing I want to tell you is that your transition from water to land, in that paragraph, was so abrupt that I didn't catch it and had to go back and reread. Your transition was "walking on land was infinitely easier than swimming through the water". There was no her getting out. There was no struggle from water to land. Just magically bam, she was there. That's lazy. You have some good things here, but it reads that in a lot of places, instead of fleshing out ideas and showing them and such you just wash over them, which didn't work too well here. The fire seemed more like a gentle bonfire than a great forest fire that drove everyone either underground to the beach, and I was expecting to see more of that, but it was very blown over.

Notes 2: There was something different in this entry than there was in your past ones. I don't know exactly what it was, but I liked it. I realize you were pressed for time and very busy this round, but I enjoyed your entry regardless of all of that. I will agree with the other judge that your transitions need a bit of work but I feel like that's something that can be remidied simply by having more time to work on the entry. 

★CADETTE LANCE★

Score: 13.8

Notes 1: I enjoyed your descriptions here, and I can see where you were really aiming for that realism in both age and pain. I think you hit that very well. In some instances, I think your sentences begin to grow a bit tiresome, a little too long, but they're not bad. I really liked your emotions, though I think you can try and incorporate some more of the memory exchanges she's having. You mention that she can't remember one set period of time and that's good--but why not show us if you can? Find places where you can sneak in little flashbacks, or thoughts, or even bits of description that waver between the now and the then. Challenge yourself in your writing.

Notes 2: Cadette felt a lot older to me in this entry, a lot closer to the age she should be, and I was incredibly happy to see that. Her bumps and bruises and her need to be carried were excellent details to add in, they really added a sense of realism to her that I enjoyed. I don't have any complaints for you this round. Keep up the good work!