TASK 1: Scores & Initial Opinions
I normally don't do the bonuses as that's Tender's doing so bare with me here;
Best Quote:
After reading a million and one entries, I always like to have a laugh now and then, you know, a slight chuckly here and there. It was very interesting to see this tribute come in with a look of dim awe and a joking ways. Steve Young, gets a bonus point for his words: "Why is everyone dressed up as flowers? Is this some sort of Rose parade? He laughed silently to himself as he waited for his turn, mind spinning on wheels of gold and blue. What did the bee say to the flower? Hello, honey!"
Favorite Wisteria:
Since after all, I did create her, I was excited to read the entries to see which one would portray her the best. I don't think many of you got the fact, she's heartless. Wisteria's colder than a Vampire in a freezer that's sitting in Antarctica. Eros Demakis, it's so like her to try and poison the tribute's father. For that, next round, you'll be rewarded a sponsored package of a syringe filled a substance of your choosing.
Along with her, Neri Ravenna was another great favorite. Just the way she acted like she held all your life's secrets was fascinating to read. Great job, especially on the entire setting with Allison. Seems like everyone just wants to show her up. For this, next round you'll be rewarded a sponsored package of an army surplus rain jacket. It'll be much more protective than what the normal coat is.
Stylist Award:
A short and sweet award, your descriptions were vividly placed. Amelia Montaigne and Kale Emrys will have an extra ballot in the bloodbath for having outfits that made us (Tender) want to go shopping.
~~
As, it seemed, Cadelon couldn't hide the disgust in his face when Wisteria came strutting in wearing something thinner than a tight rope. Lingerie would be the best name of it, but he'd doubt she'd be willing to get steamy in something so delicate and threaded in silky lace. Honestly, if all was well in his head, Cadelon should know this was just her persona and not an act of defiance against him.
Her eyes glowered shining bright through the screens and set deep into his soul. Her hair was pinned tightly in a Victorian braid that reached the small of her back, and the small broke glass chips that entwined with the simple strands that poked out.
Tender walked with a purpose in his step and took the chair next to him that was well, now open. After flipping the poor stable man from the piece of seating, he glided against it with ease. Allium Anthromis was the one of the screen, her tormenting appearance made the man feel uneasy as he watched the tribute's eyes move like a hawk, not skipping over the audience, but instead grazing their each on of their faces with her cold stare.
When she first walked on stage everyone seemed to quiet, taking in the rage that she showed through her mechanical movements. Wisteria seemed to like the challenge and in return sneered before patting the lounge across from her.
As Allium sat down with a grace unlike her own, she waited for Wisteria to make the first move; a question.
Cadelon was twisted the ring on his finger the entire time she appeared to show any act of rebellion. When it came to the end of her interview, and Camella was beheaded, a series of cringes could be felt.
So many more showed up on the screens, one of those being Kale. Even Odysseus found great interest in how he stood his ground against her claws. She'd practically had his heart on a string, strumming in gently as if his inwards had been used to form the bow strings.
Yes, this game would certainly hold Vengeance.
~~~
So as it seems, the first task went both bitter, sweaty and a small pile of mush. All of that's to be expected since most of the writers who've joined us this round are new. Many have shocked us as Game Makers, and we hope we've done the same for you. In the previous chapters you can see what everyone wrote for their entries.
Find alliances, make enemies, and share in your unfortunate losses.
Tender, Cadelon and Odysseus all varied our scores to an agreement so none have any higher or lower opinions*
Also note that these are averages of THREE PEOPLE, rounded down.
~~~
As always, ladies first...
THE FEMALE INTERVIEW SCORES
CAPITOL FEMALE - LAVENDER STONE -
Scored: 6
Why: Although you did meet the minimum, you didn't give us much to go off of. I like Lavender as a tribute, you give her a nice personality but I wish we could explore more of her as a character. As a writer; try to give description as to what's happening. The scene wasn't there, just dialogue really.
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DISTRICT 1 FEMALE - ALLIUM ANTHROMIS -
Scored: 11
Why: You gave us a strong entry for task one. The way she displayed the affection for Cadelon seems to be suiting because of her past with him. You made her hold such potential and I wish you would have not made that burst of rage. It seemed off settling and didn't give the eerie mood we'd been following. Well done description and fantastic word play.
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DISTRICT 2 FEMALE - AMELIA MONTAIGNE -
Scored: 9.5
Why: I think you imagined her differently in your head, than what I was getting out of her. Frolicking, giggling, and prancing off stage? Even for a career district, this seems very unlikely considering she's about to head off to her soon to be death. It also mention she was smarter, stronger and about "90 times better". Yeah, with what you're giving me, I don't see much of it. Though, that was just the tribute, for your writing, amazing job.
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DISTRICT 3 FEMALE - ELECTRA -
Scored: 10.5
Why: With Electra, I loved how she was short with her words. Many tributes make sentences that either express too much excitement, or are jut bland. It's nice to make them have a realistic conversation. You, from the start, had a great way of writing in detail and throwing in just enough adjectives and fancy words to make me want to dig up an old thesaurus.
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DISTRICT 4 FEMALE - AMANI ALURAI -
Scored: 8.5
Why: The way you started with your paragraphs was really interesting. You gave information in an almost mechanical way before closing it down with a simple- but powerful -one sentence. I really like the idea you included with the Jeurlia's, it wasn't expected and certainly different. Also, your ending was well done, although it wasn't required I like how you added the quote. Major improvements could be notice from last games.
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DISTRICT 5 FEMALE - TILLA LECTRA -
Scored: 8
Why: You showed your choice pretty quickly in your entry. It made it easy to spot and nice to follow the plot line. Clarie seemed to be an important person and hopefully she's enough to give Tilla motivation in the arena. For your dialogue, try to give it some more taglines so the reader can understand just who's talking, the fluctuation in their voices, maybe that slight twitch when stumbling over a certain word.
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DISTRICT 6 FEMALE - NERI RAVENNA -
Scored: 9.5
Why: I really liked her entry. The opening with the colors of grey and how they no longer had the meaning with her was a nice way at giving her some character development, especially with the first task, and this is the first time meeting them, I like to see what they might do in the future. Though if there's anything, some parts of it seemed a little cliche.
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DISTRICT 7 FEMALE - AEREN MARGAUX -
Scored: 8
Why: Ah Aeren, you really don't know when to stop, do you? Your entry was steady and held promise. I was uneasy about her at first, considering her character form, but now I think we're all excited to see more. You took the road of defiance and it might just get you killed. Like all good tributes, they have a dormant flame ready to go. Your writing was nice, the only thing you might want to try different next task is explaining her emotions a bit better.
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DISTRICT 8 FEMALE - MIZZY HAZE -
Scored: 6.5
Why: There was a word, a treacherous word in your entry. The word being defiantly. If I remember correctly, that was on my list of 'misplaced words'. No matter, that can all be fixed in due time. Other than that, a few more dialogue errors were noted but as for the story; it was interesting. It was mostly the interview which what was asked, but I would have liked to see a little more character development.
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DISTRICT 9 FEMALE - YUKANA CHAMBERLY -
Scored: 7.5
Why: The first sentence, although short, gave me a feel for her character already. It showed she cares for her family, and also is compassionate. I loved the conversation you had with Wisteria, it seemed well drawn out, and the way you added her father's flinches and slight reactions was touching. For the writing, try not to use exact verbs, and instead describe what's happening. I only see it a few times though so no worries.
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DISTRICT 10 FEMALE - AKARI HIJIKATA -
Scored: 8.5
Why: You're one of the few who actually described their outfit nicely, this was one of the key points I looked for considering I'm both a ilji for detail, and fab outfits. Your writing was strong and it holds potential. There was just something that I kept waiting for, hoping to happen but it didn't. You built the entire story and it kept adding on, that was, until it just ended. It was a normal interview, it's up to you for deciding if that's good or not. Also, you said district 5 in your entry.
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DISTRICT 11 FEMALE - ADONIS RUNE -
Scored: 5/2 = 2.5
Why: I see the potential, which is odd considering the shortness of what you managed to get in. Thanks for asking in advance for more time. Otherwise, you would have gotten a zero. It'll be hard to work your way up, but I think you'll get there.
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DISTRICT 12 FEMALE - WYNDER DOUGLAS -
Scored: 9.5
Why: I really enjoyed reading this! It at first threw me off with his name being Garrett but I got passed it pretty quickly. Just initial shock. Your description was great and the style of your writing was well done. For some reason whenever the word 'sleek' is used, it makes everything sound so much cleaner. Not much to say on the bad except maybe with the dialogue, change it up a bit and give it answers that are more off the tongue.
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DISTRICT 13 FEMALE - LILITH AMBERSEE
Scored: 7 .5 It might seem bad but it's not..
Why: Hello fellow Mythical Beast! I must ask, Rhett or Link? Is that even a question? Sorry, it's your icon for your email and I couldn't bare not to include it. Ahem, back to track.. It wasn't bad, but you added a lot of dialogue compared to actual description of what was going on. What you did have was good and it really signaled our the character. The way you're going with the Rebellion in your entries is a different touch. Since I never know what they chose to do, I try not to mention that.
~
Oh well this was fun. I hope you found the little notes to become helpful. After last games, when we had almost half the tributes wondering what they could do to improve, I hope this settles some anxiety. As a whole, we're all so proud of the females. Definitely known to be the underdogs, so to see such a promising bunch is pretty sweet.
~
And finally to the Gents...
MALE INTERVIEW SCORES
CAPITOL MALE - WOLFGANG WESTERFELD -
Scored: 9
Why: I'd be lying if I said his name didn't inspire me to make a bad ass rough draft of a dystopian short story with his name being Wolf. Nope, not at all. If there's one thing that kept throwing me off, it's the way you constantly used 'I', it really threw me off in the reading. I almost expected to read it next. I know this is a common problem with first person perspective, so I hope you can get passed that through these next task. Fun how he's so excited, that'll change.
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DISTRICT 1 MALE - DANELIEUX LEON -
Scored: 10
Why: They way you talked about Danel (my nickname for him) reminded me of a Twilight episode. The straight up facts don't normally look nice in stories, but in this one, it actually added to the mood. Danel seems almost iced, almost like he's bored with the Capitol. Also cute on having Wisteria pronounce his name wrong, I liked that. One of the reasons I call him Danel.
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DISTRICT 2 MALE - VENENIUS LINGUORE -
Scored: 9
Why: It's unique how you used a simple form of play of words to describe a scene much bigger. Like famous authors, they all have their different styles which can vary from very detailed with little story, lots of story with little detail, and a mix of both. I don't know which you fit into, but the simple way you tell Venenius is provoking. I see you took the comfy route, making the Capitol like your sweet charm and dazzling eyes.
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DISTRICT 3 MALE - JACK DARKWOOD -
Scored: 5.5
Why: So this happened. Umm a few spelling errors, needed commas, and dialogue rules here and there... Don't worry, that's all mechanical eras. What made me question some of your things is the Fall Out Boy, Gameboy, and choice of 'f#!&' It make me wonder, a story set in a dystopian time, what possible district could they've come from? Also a Gameboy; what happens when it dies? As for the fuck, I understand completely if you don't like to curse, so either you don't have to add it, or let's be professionals and just write it how it's spelled. I would hate to leave all advice, so I'll add the one thing I loved. His happy go lucky personality for sure.
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DISTRICT 4 MALE - CORRADHIN COLE -
Scored: 10.5
Why: There's just something I absolutely love about this boy. Your writing style seems to be improving with every task, and the raw anger that comes for Corradhin seems very appeasing. You made Wisteria seem heartless, and the Capitol's people are either scared, or sympathizing with him over the loss of Beckett Malen. It half makes me wonder what would have happened if he'd won instead of Wiley.
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DISTRICT 5 MALE - DUSTIN OCTAVIUS -
Scored: 7.5
Why: You told a story, just from your character's perspective. That might not make sense but what I mean is that you were in Dustin's head, talking as if he was sharing a tale with his friends. You said what he was doing instead of explaining it. Besides that, I like the way you're going with it, and as I said this before... Dustin is quite a favorite in names.
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DISTRICT 6 MALE - ARTHUR PENN -
Scored: 6.5
Why: I feel with you Arthur, yellow isn't my color either. Blonds are not easy to mix with, try silver or if you feel like being daring, maybe even a cool violet. Also no harsh feelings over calling her a bitch, she expected it. Though the one thing I will mention is for you to try and make sure you give small pockets of description before immediately throwing us into the next line of conversation. Does she twirl her hair, move her leg, stand up?
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DISTRICT 7 MALE - REED QUILLEAROY -
Scored: 9
Why: I never know what to expect in an entry from you. Allium and you, are one of the few who actually had their person be killed. I loved it! Although, with his entry, I could feel a slight detachment, unlike with Beckett, Percy or Corradhin. Maybe it's because he's younger, or not apart of the little circle of Thomas Sangster's from District 4 you've created. (Honestly how does he not get tiring?)
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DISTRICT 8 MALE - NED LEANDTHRED -
Scored: 5
Why: Eh, okay here's the thing; there are many things that could be used to give this entry a little pick me up. In most cases it's informal to have all capital words in a sentence that indicates yelling. That was the first thing I noticed when reading your entry. Also, try to give description of not just the outfit, but the scene around you. Also, when a character has internal thoughts or dialogue, it's best to either italic it, or add it fluently into the paragraph.
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DISTRICT 9 MALE - STEVE YOUNG -
Scored: 9.5 + [1] = 10.5
Why: Aw, you took the sad approach in hopes we'd reconcile and grieve with him. I like Steve, especially his name. On a more professional note; the idea that he hopes to die in the arena, how he's lost hope in himself gives him a saddened approach. It's almost hopeless, or at least, that's what I think he's getting at. This is basically his breaking point before -like all good protagonists- he stands up to the crowd in the bloodbath.
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DISTRICT 10 MALE - ALLIUM MEEDS -
Scored: 0
Why: Failed to turn in.
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DISTRICT 11 MALE - APERIO CORNWELL -
Scored: 8
Why: You had a nice entry, while managing to capture the essence of a young boy. I loved the way you portrayed Wisteria as nice before going into a menacing act. Overall, it was a well rounded but expected entry. Nothing spectacular but not awful. It's safe to say you're in safe ground.
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DISTRICT 12 MALE - KALE EMRYS -
Scored: 10
Why: Cute, really cute. I know that wasn't suppose to be the meaning but once we get farther into the games, you'll learn I have a sick sense of humor. The little internal thought were he's talking about killing Wisteria made me chuckle. The idea of not alerting the tributes to his plan was also different. I like how you take this into account, even when writing your tribute.
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DISTRICT 13 MALE - EROS DEMAKIS -
Scored: 9.5
Why: Sold me on the first sentence. I absolutely love tributes who make a good impression right away, you definitely did that with both your first paragraph and character form. As we reached further into the story, I noticed you have a slight tendency to make me question what the hell is going on. In a good way of course. So he shoved a poisonous flower in his mouth? Okay..
Also watch those lips boy, Cadelon and Tender are secretly in a love triangle!
~~
Amazing job well done, and please not Sponsorships will be posted tomorrow, so be aware and don't pee your pants in anticipation. If it happens, don't tell anyone.
Your passionate game makers,
Cadelon Anthromis/ Tender Exilo/ Odysseus Arnórr
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