Being alone, was something I wasn't used to. Not physically at least. I've always been surrounded by people for my amusement or my needs but never left alone. As much as I hated drowning alone in a crowded room I longed for the warmth of those uncaring people.

The wind was pushing against me, as I sat holding myself together. The sun would be up soon and I'd have to start wandering again. Loneliness was amusing in a way because I was calmer. My mind wasn't ticking to make sure that no one killed no one I needed. But the need to kill made my hands itch.

It was driving me to insanity though-like a slow poison but a poison nevertheless. Being alone made me wonder of my worth. Whether I could win this thing.

A parachute fell a couple of feet away from me. Awesome, I'd get an advantage now. It was nice to know someone wanted me alive. I opened the box, my eyebrows a furrowed at what I saw. It was a thick long rope. What I was I supposed to do with it?

"I think you're disgusting-" I dropped the box to the floor. I sliver went up my spine as perspiration formed on the back of my neck.

Sawyer.

I heard him- I did. I picked it up again.

"I think you are disgusting. You disgust me! Let the anthem play for you." A lump began to form in my throat, my vision blurred. How did they get his voice? Jabber jays? No he's dead. Jabber jays mimic the sounds of living.Sawyers alive! He has to be, they recorded him saying this. Unrealistic hope that maybe he was alive bubbled but I squashed it down. There is hope and there is stupidity and I had neither. He's dead. Sawyer isn't coming back. He couldn't, right?

"I think you are disgusting. You disgust me. Let the anthem play for you." His voice repeated those sentences over and over again. Growing menacing and laced with venom each time. I tried swallowing. What kind of sick game was this? The box seemed to grow hotter by each second and then suddenly exploded.

I THINK YOU ARE DISGUSTING. YOU DISGUST ME. LET THE ANTHEM PLAY FOR YOU.

Sawyers voice boomed out.

No, no! I ran blindly to get away from his voice but it just grew louder, pounding into my head, piercing through my heart. I pushed my self to run faster but his voice just got louder.

"Everything I did was for you!" I screamed as I fell onto my knees. My hands knotted into my hair, almost pulling it out of its roots. I rocked myself, sobbing loudly.

I think you are disgusting.

"Everything I did....everything." I cried out to the sky. It was for Sawyer, it always was. Wasn't it?

I made sure he never got bullied, made sure that the love he didn't get from my parents he got from me. I was there for him. But I needed him more than he needed me. I killed Dax for him. I was fighting for him.

You disgust me.

I cried louder. All this time I thought I was doing right by him. I screamed once more. It was all for him. I was a good sister. I'm not bad. I'm not disgusting. I'm not! A shrill scream left my lips in denial.

Let the anthem play for you.

After all I've done for you? I died with you Sawyer! I killed for you! I'm barely living! I can't do this. I just can't. Don't hate me. Don't.

"All this killing I did for you! Aren't you proud of me baby brother?" I said with a maniacal laugh as tears ran down my face.

"Answer me!" I screamed but his voice just repeated those same words. I gripped the rope tighter. Nobody can judge me for what I've done! I was put into this situation. I was forced! I didn't have a choice.

But you had a choice....you could have avoided the killing. Killing didn't solve anything did it? It just made you bitter. It just made you want to kill more. It didn't stop the fire in your heart, it fueled it more. It should've been you, you should be dead. You deserve to die!

"No!" I screamed. I sobbed into my hands. I didn't deserve this pain. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy.

You have a choice now, Gloxinia.

I looked at the rope in my hands. Is this the reason they gave me a rope? A choice. I could kill someone with it or hang myself. I could end the games on my term or theirs. Either way someone was going to lose. Could I let it be me?

I stood up wiping away stray tears as I swung one end of the rope on a branch. I was ready to face my sins. I could die by my own choice. I pulled the rope to tighten the knot on the branch. Made a nice little loop on the end which I held in my hand. Holding the rope I climbed the tree. I was a couple of feet high, high enough that the rope would compress against my windpipe when my feet didn't touch the ground.

This was it. The anthem would play for me.

I closed my eyes as I pulled the loop over my head, unable to push back the tears that fell. I bit my lip, I was done screaming. I was tired. I don't have the strength.

How disgusting.

I could hear the people I killed screaming, every death I witnessed in the games flashed before my eyes. I shook violently as I tried to hold myself.

Flashes of Dax pulling me into his arms, me reaching over the dagger under the pillow- stabbing him multiple times. How warm his blood was yet how cold I felt. Meeting Sawyer for the last time before he left the games. Watching Sawyer die as Dax grinned maliciously at the cameras. Fooling everyone around me that I was fine, not shedding a tear. Letting Dax violate me just so that I could be the one that took his breath away literally.

"I'm scared," Sawyer said holding back a whimper. I hugged him, pulling him tightly as if that would stop them from taking him away. I thought of all ways possible that I could go instead of him.

"You're my brave boy. You're smart, you can do this," my voice quivered but I didn't cry.

"It's not your fault, you can't take my place." Sawyer said sadly. I was a pathetic girl otherwise I would've . Our district was filled with coward males that couldn't take my brothers place! He was a child!

"Don't let them change you, Glo." He said as he held onto me tighter.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." I repeated. I couldn't save him.

"It's my birthday the least you could do is wish me luck," he said trying to grin but he broke down. I was so helpless. The peacekeepers pried me off of him as I screamed for them to take me instead.

"Sawyer!" I screamed repeatedly but they took him away.

I choked back another sob. I was done screaming; I was ready. I kept my eyes closed as I took another quivering breath. I tried to think of happier times but all horrid memories just flashed instead.

Coward.

Just when I was about to leave my grasp on the tree, bright light hit my closed eyes. I opened my eyes slowly. The sun was rising but for some reason it seemed so bright as it rose from between the mountains. I blinked. The Sun had so many obstacles to make its light pass through but nothing could stop it. No matter how tall a mountain or how deep an ocean-light passed through even if didn't reach till the depth it stretched to its' maximum.

Stupid, that I was comparing myself to a simulated sun but it made sense that moment. Why was I giving up now? Why was I giving up because of an obstacle in my way? Why was I letting them win?

Nothing breaks Gloxinia Carver. I refuse to be broken. I refuse to let them dictate my ways!

Instead of pulling my head out of the loop, I slipped. The rope pushed against my windpipe but the instinct to survive kicked in- pulling out the dagger from my thigh I cut the rope and fell to the ground. I stared at snow, unable to move. The feel of the thick rope closing on to my neck, every thread that I felt against the veins under my skin. The way my eyes felt like they'd fly out of their sockets when my windpipe closed. I wanted to release a sigh but I still felt like I couldn't breath. My vision blurry but my thoughts were crystal clear.

Perhaps it was an excuse to not die but at that moment for the first I felt like I had my own strength. Like I didn't need to depend on someone to lift me up, to save me. I felt free, I felt light. I didn't feel invincible but I felt strong. I couldn't call it hope but it was some kind of closure. I couldn't explain it but it felt right.

I blamed myself for Sawyers death but I could've done nothing. It's not about what he would think about me now but it's what I did with his memory. I should've let his memory make me stronger but I almost hung myself. He isn't my weakness. Not anymore.

"Thank you," I whispered to no one but everyone. My breath coming out as vapors. In some twisted way I got my closure. I hadn't gotten a chance to cry over Sawyer . I ignored what I had turned into and I don't regret anything. It didn't matter if Sawyer was disgusted by me. He was dead and nothing I could do would bring him back; nothing anyone said should matter. He wanted me to not blame myself and maybe it's time I stop blaming myself. I'll get my revenge but now I'm at peace. A chaotic peace but peace nonetheless.

I don't feel as lost as I did before, my will to survive the games in the beginning weren't certain but now I know. I fell back into the soft snow and stared at the sun as it peaked through the clouds. I was going to shine and maybe even burn a few but I'd do it right this time. I was going to fight for me.

I hadn't realized that the recording had stopped a while back. It didn't matter though. I was done crying. I was done with everything. I was going to die trying. I'm not going to just fight for Sawyer; I'll always keep him in my heart but now I was going to fight for myself. I looked at the rope hanging from the tree. I smiled at it. I could have hung myself and ended it all and a part of me did die. I was going to leave that part of me at the hanging tree.

I brushed the snow off me as I started to walk. Time to hunt some people down. After all I had something to go back home to - hope was what I had; a fresh start and even if I didn't go back I've made my mark. For now, I'm at peace if not happy and for the first time I'm totally okay settling for something less because it's exactly what I need; that's perfection.