Caroline is silent. 
                                                  Gareth longs for better years. 
Pemele? She smiles.
                                                   Davidson is laughing. 

           For now, they are unimpressed. 

SCORES:

Kylar Knight

Score: 12.2

Your grasp on metaphorical language in this was strong, however it bordered repetitive by the end. Things were described in very similar ways throughout. Also, the task here was to turn, but you focused mainly on Blythe. Although romance is not discouraged, it is if it detracts from the task give. That being said, Kythe is already cute. 

Blythe Sullivan

Score: 12.5 - [1] = 11.5

This entry was rather brief. That, along with the heavy amount of dialogue toward the end, is what can be fixed in the future. It had one of the strongest openers of the batch, by the way. 

Calvin Popovich

Score: 12.8 - [1] = 11.8

This was a really fun read. You have such a realistic style of storytelling and it really worked with Calvin's character. However, we still wanted more- it remained flat from beginning to end. Not boring, but constant in its emotions. In the future, take us on highs and lows and really let Calvin make us feel. However, if e're being specific, your contrast of the world being quiet/alive was really beautiful, and the transitions were good throughout. 

Eden Adriett Paloma

Score: 9.4

You did state this entry was short, but that didn't prevent from how lacking it felt. The emotion wasn't as strong as it could be, and most of the description (although pretty) didn't give a sense of who Eden is as a person. You went away from the classic bite, which was a good thing, but the turn itself was rather fast. Since free reign isn't your thing, these Games may be good practice, because several of the tasks will leave room for whatever you desire.

Jessie "Jess" Harold

Score: 0

No entry. No notes. 

Rachel Winters

Score: 11.1

The plot of this entry is what made it fun to read because you had more action than most. However, there was too much dialogue compared to description, and most paragraphs held two or less lines. It made it feel empty and choppy, which resulted in very static characters. Overall, it felt very thin, like there's fantastic foundation, but you need work to build on top of that to stand out. 

August Sterling

Score: 10

It's a common note we've given this task, but this entry was heavy on the dialogue. So much that we were left with no idea who August really is and, because of that, the emotions really fell flat. Try to add more around the speech to thicken the narrative and bring more of it to life. 

Rasheen Perpetua

Score: 12.6

The characterization of Rasheen in this entry was outstanding. However, with your unique style of writing, sometimes it borders a lot of telling and not showing, which results in quite a disconnect between reader and what's being read. It's not overwhelming, but if you can overcome that, the emotions surrounding Rasheen will be even more powerful than they already are. Also, long entries are not discouraged (in fact, we love them), but it dragged on unnecessarily in a few places. Still, this entry was a fun read, and the contrasting beginning and end was impacting. 

"Pineapple"

Score: 10.5

This was brief. We liked that it was poetic, but it didn't really work well with what we were looking for. The task was gruesome and called for a bit of action, so this fell below the expectations. Other than that, the emotions were pure; we just wish we knew Pineapple more. That way, we could feel what he's feeling. 

Gunnora Elandine

Score: 0

No entry. No Notes. 

Apollo Finn

Score: 10.8

We liked the balance of this entry. It flowed well and worked through the task with enough plot to keep us going. However, we have a note for your description: try to add a bit of emotion to some things you describe. You wrote of blood and the stranger's eyes, but you didn't really go into how that blood made Apollo feel. You state the eyes lingered, but how? Hungrily? Wildly? There's clear and concise writing here, which we like, but we want a little more. 

Adira Fuerte

Score: 13.3

From the very first line, this entry stood out!  It was set up in a very nice way, and the monster motif was a really great one for Adira's character. The relationships you established were well-done, though you did tell more than show a few times. Adira already has so much character and we can't wait to see what comes next. We liked the darkness of this entry and one of our judges was very pleased when the throat was ripped out. Good work. 

Jane Bruno

Score: 13

We thoroughly enjoyed the relationship between Eugene and Jane in this entry. It was written in a way that established past, but didn't take from the present. It flowed, and the dialogue itself was smooth! After she left the bar, the entry did seem to flow less and wasn't as smooth, but we did get a good sense of who she was. The pacing was the only thing that fell off, and we hope to see the relationship between Jane and Monica return in future entries because this showed a very basic interaction. Great job!

Amelia "Amy" Linox

Score: 10.8

There was a lot that went well in this entry. Many lines were written beautifully and the poetry in it was a good transition for when she turned. And the ending lines left the entry high, although it felt choppy leading up to it. You misspelled Amelia multiple times throughout the entry and your grammar needs editing, overall. It would have flowed better if there weren't as many mistakes. Also, Amelia was established well, but her interactions with others seemed a bit empty. We're eager to see improvement in further tasks!

Zoe Katsaros

Score: 13.8

Part of the reason this took forever was one of our judge's reactions to this was: "what the hell joe". Anyways, you went well beyond our expectations. You were one of the only people to truly create the other vampire that turned Zoe, which is what made this so enjoyable and amazing to read. That, and Zoe's dialogue, causing us to laugh even though it was terrifying. And the beginning lines set such a good mood for the entry overall. The only real note we have is you missed a few commas, and towards the end a lot of sentences began to start with 'I". Still, that's nit-picky. Future entries are well-anticipated. 

Eugene Macmillian

Score: 12.4

Although this entry was rather short, it showed a lot of promise. Everything was very natural and the route you took when turning Eugene was unique! His thought process was realistic, so it made Eugene seem like a real person in this entry. The balance between description and dialogue was off, and we would've liked more of a distinction between the bar and when he was being attacked. It would've been nice if you built up to the vampire's appearance. You did say you had limited time to write this, so we hope Eugene will only get better! 

Thea Leone

Score: 0

No entry. No Note. 

Aditya Patil

Score: 11.5

This entry had fantastic narration. And the writing was smooth and solid, but the dialogue was overwhelming and out of place at times. We liked that you decided not to end on a gory, depressing note like most did; it really characterized Aditya well. Overall, it was a good start, but we think you can take more time to further develop in the future. 

Liberato Di lorio

Score: 10.7

Your writing is very emotional and well-done, however it as very brief for an introductory task. We didn't really understand what you were trying to accomplish, so the plot seemed a bit all over the place. All the paragraphs were similar length, which is a picky thing, but it does make for a choppy read.

Yu JiaMing "James"

Score: 11.7

Just a quick note before the feedback: numbers that are below 100 are written out in letters. Rather than 4, it's four. Now, the narration of this entry was really intriguing. It worked in many places, and really flowed when it went from the description to the letter-writing. Also, leaving one last letter before ripping the thing altogether was a nice touch. During the conversation, the entry was overwhelmed with dialogue, so try splitting up speech with more description and really describe the atmosphere with more than just what the characters are saying. It was actually a bit humorous when James spewed all those questions; because, the final questions were a lot darker. In the future, try establishing more of what makes James unique, other than his sadness.