I used to like the cold.

Goosebumps would prickle my skin and soft crisp winds would whip my hair from my face. The cold used to signal the leaves to start falling from the trees and dark stormy clouds to roll in. I liked the smell of the rain and the aftereffects it had on muddy fields. My favorite times were when white lightening would strike down and we got to cancel practice to sit inside and watch the sheets of rain take over the day. It was nice.

I hadn't thought the cold could be applied to such rotten things too. I never thought I would associate rainstorms so strongly with the taste of blood or the thought of death. We had started out with some many others, hadn't we? I used to think I didn't care about the others that had been turned. Maybe to some extent, that was still true, but when death stared back so strongly, it made it hard to pick and choose the heartaches. I wondered if when they had chosen us they had known how few of us would honestly survive, how much blood would've been poured and that they would be painting targets on our backs for all of those who hated Caroline's clan.

Letting a shaky breath past my lips, my eyes traced the lines that ran across the ceiling for the tenth time that hour. It was a good distraction, one I had learned to pass time in class when one of my teachers was off on an unrelated tangent. My history teacher Mr. Soares even had a spot that looked like South America. The activity got boring after a while though and I found myself trying to decide if the paint was more of a medium or light beige. Had I been able to I would have gone to sleep hours ago but despite everything my mind just kept turning.

The sound of a car broke the silence and I nearly leaped out of my skin. Watching the strips of light cast by the window, I made sure their color had changed back to the dull yellow of the streetlight before relaxing again. A dull ache ran through my body after I untensed my muscles and I grimaced. There were no large gashes or wounds on me, I had been lucky. Yet soreness and bruises took their own toll that made it seem like moving itself was a chore. I was sure if Kohl had been with me he would have told me to suck it back up just like he did before a game.

Now there was a place I hadn't wanted to go.

My mind had been constantly on and off my friends since I had left, but I had been trying to focus on the off part. It just made my chest compress as if I had been running too long. I hadn't texted or called them since but maybe I should have. Of course, there was the chance that they didn't even care or worry about where I had gotten off to. The narrowing of my throat signaled me that that was even worse of an option and so I shoved it as far into the back of my brain as it would go.

Besides it wasn't like I could have told them what I had done. On a simple level, it was hard enough to explain and on a harder level... they would've never forgiven me. And that made it impossible because they were most to all of what I had. Andrea had taught me how to be more social, she treated me like a mother would on occasion, she looked out for me. Kohl and I considered ourselves closer than brothers, he kept me strong and I kept him grounded. The last thing I could have done was call them up and tell them that I might not come back.

Rolling over I squeezed my eyes shut and tightened my hands into fists. I just had to get some shut eye I told myself. The silence felt defining and I began to wonder if my breath was loud enough for anyone else to hear. Less than a minute passed before I was staring around the dark room again. There was nothing to think about but them so I focused on a less depressing part. The semi-finals for our team match had probably been scheduled by now and it wasn't like checking was going to hurt anyone.

Despite my better judgment I pulled out my phone and snapped my eyes shut when the screen attempted to burn my retinas. Taking a deep breath before squinting this time, I turned down the brightness and went online. Sure enough, the website had been updated yet whenever I tried going to the page the thing errored out. Scrunching up my face I made note of the data signal and slipped out of bed.

The air was cold and the wood floor colder. Ignoring the frigid feeling as best I could, I slipped the rest of the way off of where I was laying and headed for the front door. A shiver ran down my spine as I imagined accidentally waking anyone else up. There was nothing I wanted less than to be confronted in the complete darkness when everyone was already walking on eggshells. Placing my hand against the wall closest to me, I trailed along by feeling until it opened into another room and I headed left to where the door stood. It took me a full minute to open it at a rate that was quiet enough not to shatter my nerves.

Sucking in deep breaths of fresh air, I felt the damp air press against my skin. Being outside was far more terrifying than inside and as I pulled out my phone I began to regret the decision of stepping out in the first place. Wet grass tickled and chilled my feet and I continuously shifted so that neither would get too frozen. Glancing down at my phone screen I watched it illuminate the cloud of breath I had sent into the sky and a smile tugged on my lips. Or at least it did until my phone began vibrating my entire arm.

Without even opening the apps I could see over 50 missed messages and 11 calls. Opening my messenger to start I found most from group chats I was in and all the rest from Kohl. At first, they were just missing homework assignments and a few reminders for practice, then an "are you sick? You missed 1st again" scattered throughout, by the time I found the long paragraph messages I couldn't bare to read them. Exiting out and switching to my missed call list, I was less than surprised to find that 10 of them had come from Andrea and every single one had a voicemail attached. Swallowing my apprehension I clicked on the oldest one and hit play.

"Heyo A.p., it's Ann!" even over the phone she was as loud and boisterous as ever. "I just finished hanging out with Kohl and the others at DQ, you should have heard him talking trash about Trout county again." She paused to laugh and I could practically imagine her bending over to do so, her brown hair obscuring her face and her cheeks turning a beautiful red. "I know Kohl said not to but I bought you ice cream anyway and then you weren't home yet! You big but now I'm going to have to eat a second one all by myself! Anyway text me when you get home just so I know you didn't get murdered or anything yeah?"

Her message made me smile despite the lump forming in my throat and I squeezed my phone tighter as it skipped to the next one.

"Morning Apollo," her voice was hyper as if she had just finished her morning coffee and she made sure to stretch my name out far longer than necessary. "When's the last time you slept it? Man, you must be taking a fucking beating. I told you not to take calculus until next year idiot." She meant the phrase lovingly and I had to swallow the lump in my throat before she continued. "Either way we have that study group tonight so don't forget. If I get an F I'll totally blame it on you."

"Rude." The third message started without skipping a beat, "Where were you? Did you get pneumonia or something?" she paused before continuing, "I guess you just needed a day off though and I get that, just don't forget to check in next time!"

Her comment made my skin itch, she had no idea what had been happening and yet she was still reminding me exactly what I should have been doing. Andrea's fourth message was the one that kicker, however.

The beep went off and a few seconds passed before she spoke up. "...hey, Apollo? You'd tell us if something was seriously wrong right?" my gut twisted in all the wrong ways, her tone making it sound as if she had been run over by a semi-truck. "I mean, it's cool if you're just taking some you time but maybe it wouldn't kill you just to send one text? I know I'm probably being all needy or whatever, but I'm here for you if you do want to talk alright?" There was another long pause and I began to feel as if I couldn't breathe. "Talk to you soon."

I couldn't listen to another six messages of that so I yanked the phone away from my ear and rubbed at my eyes that were being stabbed with needles. Dragging in a much need, if not very clogged up breath, I hit the call back button. It hadn't been a logical decision but I would have felt even worse to hang up. The phone didn't even bother to ring.

"Hey it's Andrea, you know what to do."

The fact that it was a voice box answering sent a wave of relief through me, though that wave was quickly followed by one of guilt. A small beep sounded and I cleared my throat harshly. "H-hey A," I paused, unsure what to say, "it's, um A. Just thought I'd you know return your calls." Jamming my teeth into my bottom lip I breathed away from the phone so she wouldn't hear how much I sounded like I was about to cry. "Sorry about not calling back but, I'm fine," I lied as I wrapped my other arm tighter around my chest. "Sorry for worrying you I know I've been... out of touch," my words got worse every time I opened my mouth so I decided to finish it up. "But I guess I'll just see you when I see you."

I wanted to beat my own head in with my phone. Rubbing my nose against my sleeve I forcefully shoved my phone back into my pocket and headed inside. At least for once I wasn't crying.