the First Scores
Y'all weren't joking when you signed up for this AG. You all rocked the boats with creative entries that showcased a wide variety of writing types and characters. There was so much to go through here! I am very happy to have gotten to properly review all the entries and score them. Now, be aware, this is one judge's thoughts alone, so there are no second opinions to help counter mine. If you feel something wasn't fair, or have an issue, let me know. I will be putting a few notes next to your scores here. If you want notes in greater detail, please let me know and I will message you privately your score breakdown, all the things that I paid attention to when reading, and how I scored it.
Without further ado, let's go through our scores!
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Captain Odette Rainmaker: 14.4
I really loved this entry. The description of the event, the way it ended, and even the way they had to get over the hurdles, was perfect. Great creativity. I did see a few misplaced words (backwards instead of backward, tourneymen (?), foot stomping instead of foot-stomping, leapt instead of leaped).This was basically perfect. I loved the realistic way it was fought. My only concerns would be the realism of her showing no signs of wanting to make it harder for him and there's no reasoning behind her actions at the end of kicking his hands off. It felt hateful almost and really came at a surprise at the rest of the entry where they work together and are described as allies. I'm certain this will be explained more later, but I figured I'd mention my first reaction to it.
Yasmin Aziz: 13.5
The fight scene was probably my favorite part of this entry with how fast paced and strong it read. You've got a really solid feel to your writing and a good style that fits with your character. My main concerns would be that it didn't feel all that creative...and with the ending, it's uncertain if she's going to make it to the next round. It felt like someone dropping out of the games. Even if the solution is that she makes it due to the illegal dagger, it feels off. I wish there was some communication for this because, on its own, it leaves me wondering if the participant wants to continue in the games. I saw a few issues grammatically that stood out to me due to punctuation and dialogue tags.
Marina Santana: 13.5
I loved the beginning with a letter. It aids a certain feel. The overall writing of our entry was really well done and stylistically it really felt like a much larger story. I was surprised, though, when it immediately shifted to the POV of someone not reading the letter or having written the letter. It feels a little off. I would expect one or the other, but with both, it feels off. This could just be something that is explained later. The ending felt too quick and gave me some concerns as to whether she'd actually make it through based on the reactions of everyone and how she just...blatantly murdered a ton of people? It seemed like we didn't have enough time to end the entry properly. I would have loved to see a little more there. Overall it is really creative. I didn't see any other entries like this. There are some grammatical issues with sentence structure and wording.
Sade: 14.0
"It's only natural that something blossoms where only nothing is in its way. There is a spark like lightning which originates in Samuel's breast, but also flashes clearly across his now hollow, unbosoming eyes. If the fool Zaccary had not been busy weighing other options, he surely would have seen such a nonpareil spectacle and ran for his life. Alas. But all this is to say how severely Sam had been enslaved by the stimulus; he was an automaton and something had turned his key. The spark had lit the absence in him like incense and his blood started to swell and fishing nets of capillaries lifted his heart, his lung, and his brain back to where they belong, and all at once, each of Sam's organs recollected themselves and realized that he was incensed."
this is terrifying.
I'm so intrigued by how this is written. This is by far the most creative thing I've seen and read and it makes me want to read more instantly. Who is Sade? How does she operate? Are the boys even important? Is there an important character to focus on or is there merely a story being told? It's hard to judge realism with an entry such as this one. Were the events realistic? I think I would say yes, though it's hard to tell which events are relevant to the story and thus forth would be judged more as far as realism goes. The dialogue I struggled a little more with realism, it felt a little off at times.
Aurelia Regis: 14.1
"My father insisted on me receiving a proper ladies' education, and thus when I wasn't secretly learning the ways of the sword, I spent my days learning to care for my future husband as though that was a worthwhile use of my time." Absolutely my FAVORITE line. I giggled when reading this because it reminded me of the meme "While you learned to care for your husband, I WAS busy mastering the art of the sword".
I'm not going to remove points for not doing the task but I had to stare at this for a LONG time before I determined you did in fact do the task...even if it didn't FEEL like you did the task. I loved it.
Mordecai Caddel: 13.2
My favorite part of this entry was: "Why couldn't his power be more accurate? Why, out of the outcomes he saw, can't he know the right one? Every time the future became clear, it was either just in time or too late."
I think this was very creative. I like the solution to staying out of the water. There are some minor grammatical errors with dialogue, such as ""I see all sorts of outcomes," Mordecai said, "there is a world where you wouldn't.""
I also saw some other small issues such as "lovers" instead of "lover's" (possessive noun).
Evelyn Ashe: 12.9
I love how she kept herself out of the flames. I also love how much this felt like the hunger games. You really went out of your way to include little details that made the fighting fun. It felt a little too biased towards her and I'd loved to have seen you take a more creative approach to how other's around her responded to her existence. Still, I really did enjoy this. I think this style can easily be nurtured with some grammatical fixes and more time spent on wording sentences. Overall, it's clear you've got your own defined style and I love watching it grow.
Zhang Jindi (张金帝): 14.9
When it comes to realism, you've really got a handle on how people react. Great job! Absolutely in love with the creativity behind all the lore and design and descriptions. The fighting was beautiful too. The only issue that I'm seeing is that the fighting scene felt a little rushed. Perhaps it was the word limit. I did also see that a lot of sentences stand out with the same type of structure when beginning a paragraph, but quickly flow afterward.
Kenna Ashfyre: 14.6
There's so much lore being built here! I love it. The interpretation of the king is unique. Very creative. I'm really torn here. All in all, it's great, but the interaction with the king felt very one sided and awkward a little. Creativity wise it's brilliant, but the realism side isn't as good. I'd like to see it structured a little more, or if the conversation was more private it would make sense, but it didn't feel like a conversation before a crowd.
Rune: 13.4
I feel like this was a solid entry. It was your classic fight with your classic arena. I liked the way it ended, with him being a good sport. I feel like I could have seen a little more grittyness, or more tender fighting scenes, to aid that feeling you already had. The descriptions at the end felt really rushed, which I get can aid the feeling of a fight coming to a fast end, but in your case it worked against you. I felt like I didn't get a solid understanding of what happened or why she managed to stay on there. I understand that she was "saved by the bell" and managed not to fall in the water, but I would have loved to see it conclude with more of that struggle to stay up.
Ashlynn "Ash" Dawnsinger: 14.1
This was full of creative lore and set-up! It was funny at times and I really enjoyed how this went. "Ash ducked out of the way as two men lunged at him, colliding with each other instead with a loud clang from their armor. A wooden mace grazed his ear, nearly taking a chunk with it. He crouched low and weaved through the writhing mass of bodies, avoiding fists, weapons, and shields. --- A splash echoed up from the lake below, hushing the violence instantly. Even the audience had gone silent." I wasn't certain what happened here. The rest of the entry was pretty realistic and really fit what you were going for. This, however, just seemed off. It feels like you were missing something. Otherwise, this was wonderful. Your style is really good and I enjoy it.
Maeve Wraith: 0.0
It's with a hollow heart that I must announce this participant died a tragic death. When the entry was submitted, the author tripped and the character fell and died upon the letter "I" falling from a high distance. This was, in all aspects, unexpected. Please express your grievance and allow the author time to recover from this unforeseen event. They may join us for the next games.
Samgar: 14.8
By far, this was super creative. I love the concept of the father/daughter relationship being so rocky. The way the dad completely didn't think about his daughter's safety but leapt to his own--ouch. Especially given safety was his concern. It really seemed to strike a good balance. Only real issue I found was in this phrase "stalking toward Adeline". Stalking toward feels redundant due to the nature of the word stalking. Toward also doesn't fit the sentence there. I could see "creeping toward" or "moving toward" but not stalking toward itself as it feels a little awkward. otherwise, grammatically this was really good and perfect on all fronts. I really enjoyed this entry. My main concerns were for the fact that it seemed like it stretched towards being mainly dialogue focused, and I would love to see just a little more description or narration to help pull it all together. Even so, it fits the style of the character and works.
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After reading all these entries, all I have left to say to everyone is:
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