EPILOGUE

The early morning sun cast gentle light along the graves of Aurelio's parents. Dressed in all black, Aurelio sat on his knees between them, leaning his head on his mom's gravestone, breathing slowly. Peacefully.

This was the first time he'd visit in three years.

Straightening, he wiped the dried tears staining his cheeks with his sleeve. The air was heavy around him. Birds chirped in the distance, and when he looked up, squinting, the sky was blue and bright and the clouds were out and real.

Real.

This world was real. It wasn't stitched of Aurelio's subconscious and preconscious mind. It wasn't made of his denial, or ego, or memories.

He'd been released from the research facility only a day ago, and the first thing he decided to do was come here and seal reality. To brand it in his mind, however painful it was. As he looked at his parents graves, he didn't wish for things to be different. He didn't wish for himself to be dead instead, or dead with them.

No.

Not anymore.

This desire to control fate, to control sadness, to control events in his life--Aurelio let go of it. It had fed his denial, and this denial had cost him three years of his life. He was done letting it take over him.

When he stood up and turned around, Matt and Leslie were waiting for him at the enterence, dressed respectfully in black as well. Aurelio smiled at them and approached. The two were silent at first, waiting for Aurelio to decide what to do next.

"Let's go," Aurelio said, sparing one last glance at his parents' graves. He'd been there crying beside them since the crack of dawn. Now he was too tired to stay. He'd come back later. He'd make up for his absence, for neglecting their graves. He had enough time for that.

Matt pursed his lips when Aurelio was close to him, then squeezed his shoulder. Aurelio gave him a grateful smile with his eyes downcast. The three walked out of the graveyard together. Leslie bumped her hand against Aurelio's, and when he glanced at her, she laced their fingers.

"I'm okay," Aurelio said.

Matt and Leslie looked at him.

"You don't have to be so quiet around me," Aurelio explained. "It's making me feel awkward. Don't you have any questions? About the experiment."

"We didn't think it's the right time to ask," Leslie said. "You told us the important things already."

"I'm not even sure what else I wanna know." Matt shrugged. "I'm just happy you're better now. That's all that matters."

Aurelio stared at Matt for a moment, and he remembered a conversation he'd had with him in his head. Then, without warning, he wrapped one arm briefly around Matt. Matt stiffened at first, startled.

Aurelio laughed.

"What?" Matt asked.

"That's the same reaction you had in my dream," Aurelio said, smiling. "The way you went all stiff."

"...Just wasn't expecting that."

"At least you kept your word."

Matt furrowed his eyebrows. "Not sure what you're talking about."

"In the experiment. In my dream, I mean," Aurelio said as he stepped back, "I hugged you and told you I feel like you'd claw my eyes out if I did that in real life. You said you wouldn't. And you didn't." Aurelio laughed again, but it was softer this time, almost a giggle. "My brain knows you well enough to anticipate your reaction to things."

"Oh," Matt said. "Well. That's nice. What else did I do in your dream?"

Aurelio shrugged. "It was mostly a sequence of memories really, so I just relived a lot of moments, but with some details mixed-up here and there. Remember when we went to the skatepark and some guy snaked you and you fell? Yeah. I got to relive that. And when we went swimming in the lake. Except..." Except I was the one kissing Blair, he thought. Aurelio had already told them about this part, but it still made his gut churn with unease.

"And what about me? What did I do?" Leslie asked.

"You?" Aurelio turned to face her. "My God, Leslie. What didn't you do?" He leant his forehead against hers, and she held her breath, her cheeks blazing. Aurelio closed his eyes. "You caused a huge, huge confusion, Leslie."

Leslie pulled away, her eyes saucer-sized. "What do you mean? What did I do?"

"You sent me a 'get well' cards throughout the experiment, right?" Aurelio said. Leslie nodded, frowning. "Well, I saw the first one before the experiment started, and that card ended up appearing in my dream. I couldn't tell where it came from and it drove me insane. We ended up trying to figure it out together, you and I. But we couldn't. And there were a million other confusing things happening, so we just kind of...forgot about it."

"Oh my God. There's no way..." Leslie covered her face, shaking her head. "Did I just make things worse in a dream?"

Aurelio caught her wrists and lowered her arms. "I'm just kidding," he said. "I mean, it was confusing as shit, yeah, but it was a turning point. Your card confused me so much that I finally decided to ask for help, and ever since then, reality started becoming clearer. So, really, thanks. You might've accidentally sped up the process for me."

Leslie looked up at Aurelio, wrists still captive of his hands, then she punched his chest lightly. "Don't scare me like that again," she mumbled, leaning her face against the front of his shoulder. "The last thing I want is to hurt you. Even if it's just in a dream."

"You didn't hurt me," Aurelio assured, giving the small of her back a gentle pat. "You helped me a lot. Let's go?"

Leslie nodded, then pulled back. Both her and Aurelio looked at Matt, who was standing near them, looking very well ready to chuck himself off a cliff.

"Gross," Matt mumbled.

Leslie shook her head. "Look who's talking. As if you and Blair don't just start kissing without any warning."

Aurelio's heart jolted. Thanks to the swapped relationships in the dream, now he felt eternally awkward whenever Blair was mentioned. He hadn't seen her yet, but he could guess her actual presence would make it worse. Aurelio just felt like he'd betrayed both Matt and Leslie by dating her, no matter how much they assured him they didn't care.

"There was another version of me in my dream," Aurelio said as they meandered along the road, away from the graveyard.

Leslie raised her eyebrows. "Woah. Really?"

"Yeah. You were dating him." Aurelio tilted his head. "Well. Technically, you were dating me. But through him."

"You've got to be kidding me..."

"I wish. He was a manifestation of my insecurites, I think," Aurelio said. "Not just physical insecurities. You know my insecurity about being a burden? Yeah. He knew that...Of course he did. He's me." Aurelio chuckled, shaking his head. "I really had a full argument with myself. Or more like, an argument with my subconscious mind."

"That's...That's kind of interesting," Leslie said. "It's like fighting your demons, literally."

"Mhm. It sucked. Also, your mom attacked me."

Leslie's jaw dropped. "What..."

Matt laughed. "I've always felt like that woman is trying her best not to kill me and Elio."

Aurelio smiled and nodded at Matt. "I know. That's what I always thought too. She's always so weirdly passive-aggressive with us. So my mind ended up exaggerating that, and the next thing I know she's pulling my hair and kicking me out of her house."

"Pulling your hair! Please, please tell me I didn't let that slide?" Leslie said, her eyes wide and mortified.

"You didn't. You ended up fighting with her."

"And what did I do?" Matt asked.

"You weren't there when it happened," Aurelio said. "But when we told you about it, you wanted to riot and burn tires in front of her house. You also gave me a lecture on how I should punch or cuss out whoever disrespects me. 'An eye for an eye.'"

Matt nodded, lips curled in a small, proud smile. "And I stand by that."

"So your dream wasn't just warped memories," Leslie said, stopping to look at Aurelio. "Sounds like your mind made up some entirely new interactions too."

"Oh, yeah. It was a mix of both. Which is exactly like a dream, you know? When we dream, we experience new things, but they're constructed from things and people and information we already know."

They walked silently for the next few minutes. Aurelio focused on the sound of their footsteps against the pavement. Matt kicked a pebble, and Aurelio followed it with his eyes until it hit a lamppost with a quiet clang.

"You going home?" Leslie asked. "Elio? You only returned yesterday, so you're probably still tired. We can walk you home if you wanna get some rest for now, and we'll meet up again sometime later."

Aurelio's head shot up, a sense of urgency swamping his chest. "No," he quickly said. "I don't wanna go home. I'm not tired. I'm fine." I just want to stay with you two, he thought. He heard the desparation in his own voice and he squirmed. If Matt and Leslie noticed any of this, they didn't comment and only nodded at him.

"Hey, um," Aurelio said after a little while. "I wanna tell you something the experiment helped me realize."

Matt and Leslie stopped and turned, granting him their full attention.

"My brain tried to set me up for a terrible thought process," Aurelio said. "In my dream, the car accident happened again, but instead of my parents dying, it was you two." Leslie's brows slanted into a worried frown. Matt's eyes softened. "That was when I figured it out, that it was all just a dream. I realized you two didn't really die. I realized it's my parents who died.

"And that's when I had the most sickening thought in my entire life." Aurelio took a breath through his mouth, trying to dislodge the lump in his throat. "I...I was relieved. I was relieved that you two are alive. But then, what does that mean? That I'm happy my parents are dead? That I would rather lose them than lose you? That if I had a choice, I'd choose you two over the people who gave birth to me and raised me?" His eyes stung, but no tears came out. "I hated that this thought crossed my mind. I hated myself for thinking about it, for making that comparison."

"Elio," Leslie said, reaching for Aurelio. Aurelio held her fingers and lowered her hand. "You shouldn't be thinking about this. It's pointless. It was never your choice."

"Exactly. That's why I said my brain set me up for a terrible thought process. Let me finish," Aurelio said. "I thought about this all night, and I realized that I'm not sick. I realized I wasn't happy that my parents are dead instead of you. I was just happy to accept reality, even if I hated it, even if it was painful. I'm sad that my parents are dead and I'll never stop being sad about it. I'm happy that you and Matt are alive. These two are seperate things. That's what happened, that's reality, and I'll take it as it is. The good things and the bad things."

Leslie relaxed again, visibly relieved. "That makes a lot of sense to me," she said. "I understand what you mean. And I'm proud of you." She booped his nose, and Aurelio felt the blood rush to his cheeks. "I'm so proud of you for reaching this conclusion on your own instead of torturing yourself with guilt, 'cause you do have a tendency to make yourself suffer..."

"Not anymore!" Aurelio said. "See? I've gotten smarter."

"...More like less self-destructive." Leslie's lips curved into a soft smile as she leant in, gently cupping Aurelio's face. "My Elio. My smart, smart Elio who deserves the world." Aurelio's heart thumped violently in his chest at the proximity--and at her words. God, did this girl know how to make him melt. "Hey," she mumbled. "Wanna spite Matt?"

"Huh?"

Leslie pecked Aurelio's lips, then she let go of his face and stood back, probably enjoying the reaction.

"Leslie," Aurelio whined quietly, resisting the urge to hide his face. If a simple nose tap had made his cheeks grow warm, then surely he was blushing violently right now. "Not..." He glanced at Matt through the corner of his eye. "Not here." Because he wanted more than just a peck, but he was too shy for public affection.

Instead of groaning, Matt was chuckling quietly in the background, and Aurelio frowned at him, aware he must have been amused by his embarrassment.

"Let's go," Matt said walking in front, followed by Leslie. Aurelio fell behind a few steps, then he stopped and glanced back at the graveyard, at his eternal loss, his eternal well of pain.

And then he looked ahead again, at Matt and Leslie, walking, breathing, living. Existing. They looked back at him when they realized he wasn't near them, and they waved, urging him closer.

Aurelio smiled at them, and only one thought came to him.

To accept tragedies and blessings alike as God gave them to me.

• • •

I'm suuuper sorry for the super late update but ahhhh i can't believe this book is over :((( your thoughts everyone??? tysm for reading/voting/commenting, it means the world to me 🥺❤️❤️

I posted an author's note chapter to discuss your questions, extras, and stuff like that so check it out if you want <3