Friday, January the twenty-sixth

I didn't go to school today. On the upside, I got to binge a show and eat ice cream wrapped in a blanket. On the downsize, I can't spend ten minutes without having to blow my nose, breathing is a hassle and I dream of the time when I had a sense of smell.

One do get bored of television at some point though, so now I am wondering what to do next. Maybe I'll call a friend or two, go to the rumor mill and see what I can find... I'll be back soon and tell you about it!

Well Pauline and John, the guy she likes, are as cute as ever. They keep circling around each other, him as incapable of making a decisive move as she is. She told me that they went shopping together the other day.

But not a date she assured me, gods no! She made sure that what she proposed wasn't too bold, that she wouldn't risk him refusing her... So they went shopping for grocery, they talked of what they liked in a potential partner and it would have been obvious to anyone but them that they were describing each other.

She kept seeing as just happy coincidences that he was somehow always open for whatever she offered, or the fact that he could talk to her of love, his eyes shining, afraid to look up, in front of the freezers in a supermarket.

I tried, for the millionth time, to talk to her about it and, maybe, plant the idea that he really might be interested. But it was to no avail, she kept telling me that if he confided in her it was just out of commodity, because she was the one around at the time, only out of respect that he, in turn, listened.

In the same way, it was only to make sure she didn't drop the tomatoes that he reached out for her hand when picking them. Only because she looked like a moron did he rearrange the lock of hair that was dangling over her eyes. Only out of pure kindness did he accompany her to the supermarket, not simply because he wanted to be with her...

Honestly, if I wasn't so sick and tired, I would have banged my head on the wall, but it did seem too exhausting a waste of energy. I tried to convince her to invite him to diner someday, after all it seemed like an easy step after buying ingredients together, but I only got a mild success: she agreed, but insisted on the 'someday'.

Sure that this was as much as I'd get out of her alone, I called for backup. The reinforcement's called Marie, a friend from vet school, the both of us knew Pauline from high-school.

« Hi Marie, how's it going? »

« Well better than you, by the sound of it. She laughed, but I'm fine, I hope you'll soon be too. »

« Ahah yeah, it probably won't last, don't worry. Anyway, I just called Pauline, I'm not sure we'll live to see the day John and her will get to something though... Mind butting in with me? »

« Hmm, why not, as long as we don't meddle too much, I wouldn't want to ruin their thing. I mean, I'm all for helping them a bit but we need to be careful not to push it too much, they might just really need their time to get something going. It's not necessarily bad, don't you think? »

«Hmm, yeah... you've got a point... all the more reason that you help me with that, to make sure that I don't overdo it... »

« Sure, let's do that then, she agreed, maybe we should first see what she thinks about it, and then we might ask your Pierre to probe John, I think they know each other, don't they? »

« Girls night out tonight? Oh wait, you're sick... Maybe inside then, is your place fine or mine? » My place was ok, so I invited Pauline. She was free and didn't care about the fact that I might be slightly contagious. Marie came in first and reassured me that my nosiness wasn't bad as long as I kept in mind Pauline's best interest.

The doorbell rang and I went to open and welcomed her with a hug before realizing that I might cough on her, which I unfortunately did... She laughed it off and told me that, with some luck, she might be ill just in time for some painfully dull class she had on Monday. We sat around a bottle of wine and some appetizers, and talked about various things before Marie dug in.

« So, how's it going with John? » she asked Pauline who looked baffled and answered by saying that she could talk a lot about him but there wasn't much to say about the both of them, they were just friends, really good friends.

« Mind if I tell you a story? » Marie asked. We didn't object and so she began. 

« It was a year ago, there was a guy, Thomas, with whom I spent a lot of time. He was not that good looking, clearly not the jaw-dropping kind of gorgeous, but he had a charm of his own and his smiles were really... How should I put this? Really heartwarming and sincere.

So I was spending a lot of time with Thomas, he was really nice with me, more so than with other girls, and we trusted each other, we talked of things we wouldn't usually tell someone of the other sex. At some point I began to wonder... Maybe he was into me? Maybe there was another reason to his kindness, beyond mere kindness and the fact that we got along.

And I began to think that, maybe, I didn't mind so much if he wanted something else in addition to what we already had. Now, I could have just waited and waited until he did something that would make it clear to me.

However, I soon discovered that the only thing that could be clear was that, depending on my mood, I could read a thing and its opposite in the same act of kindness, in the same compliment or moment of shared happiness. So I did what we had done in our friendship so far, I talked to him about it. »

« You did? What then!? » interrupted Pauline. Marie smiled, took a sip of wine and went back to it.

« Yes, I did, I'll admit that it wasn't easy to take that jump, I wasn't sure how he would react. I wasn't even sure how I wanted him to react. But our relationship was all about trust, so once again I did trust him and leapt... » she paused a bit, not for dramatic effect, simply remembering I think

« It turns out he didn't want me that way, it turns out he just really liked me as one of the best friend he ever had, and he was genuinely nice for no other reason than that. » There was no trace of pain in her eyes as she said that and her smile was genuine as she continued

« I'll admit I felt a bit disappointed in the first place, after all I had been conditioning myself for the possibility that there might be something else. But in the end I was relieved: that friendship was, and still is, more solid than my romantic relationships were, now he is like family to me. This relationship was working well for the both of us and trying something different might have not worked. »

Pauline had quite the disappointed look on her face as she concluded « So you think I shouldn't try anything with John? Well of course I'm sure he is just kind without any ulterior motive, and anyway, even for you it didn't work out, and... » I interrupted her rambling by gently resting my hand on her shoulder and I said:

« I don't think that's the moral of her story though - Marie nodded - just look, what would have happened if she hadn't talked about it? » Pauline looked up and, hesitating, she said:

« She would have grown fonder of the idea of dating him... It would have created a gap between them... They might not be friend anymore... regrets, that's what would have happened right? » Marie once again nodded

« You know Pauline, even beside that, the fact that my hunch was wrong doesn't mean that what you fear of hoping with John is wrong too. Sure it might be just a misunderstanding. If it is, the sooner it is cleared, the better for both of you.

It might also be true, he might also really like you and not just be a huge fan of grocery shopping you know - we all chuckled - If he shares the feelings you have for him, he may very well be doubting like you are. Even more so as you told us that he wasn't the most experienced of men and usually quite shy around girls. And if you both like each other this way, the sooner you both find out the better, don't you think? » As Pauline was pondering that, the doorbell rang and Marie, telling me to sit where I was, went to open.

I complied and wondered about what exactly was the difference between her authoritarian tone and Pierre's. Both seemed equally 'alpha' but I received Marie matter of factly and felt nothing particular about the idea of obeying or disobeying her.

With Pierre however, his 'orders' either gave me the strongest will to challenge him or to happily submit, either way, it felt warm, sensual... As I was thinking about this and since the door wasn't too close to the living room, I paid no attention to what happened there, hence my surprise when I saw Marie come back. She looked surprised and had a pizza in her hand.

« Who was it? » I asked

« Tall guy, handsome, here to see you. I told him you were busy and this was a girl's night so he wasn't allowed. Then he gave me the pizza, and told me to give you that. »

« Pierre? Give me what? » I said as Marie put down the pizza and leant towards me. I think 'what the hell? ' is the most accurate description of what happened in my head as she kept getting closer to me, put her hand on my cheeks and gave my nose a long and passionate kiss.

I stood there, baffled, as Pauline tried to hold back laughter and as Marie sat, content to have transmitted the message. « What. The. Hell? » I stood, tried to compose myself and, failing, I went for the door, not sure exactly what I was going to put Pierre through. He was waiting for me by the door, his back against the wall. I hit his arm but he just smiled

« I am glad to see that your flu hasn't robbed you of your spirit. So, you got my kiss? » I wanted to be angry at him, or at Marie for not just letting him in to deliver the kiss by himself. I wanted to be angry but I was just sad that his lips had touch another with a tenderness that should be mine alone.

It must have shown in my eyes as his smile vanished in an instant. He took my arm as I was readying a halfhearted punch and brought me close into his arms. « I didn't kiss her, I just told her to go and kiss you in this particular way. I don't belong to you, we just belong to ourselves - he kissed my nose, my cheeks, my chin and my lips - but my lips belong to you, and so does this kind of tenderness. I'm sorry you took it the wrong way - he held me tightly and I relaxed into his arms. »

« I'm too jealous am I not? » He took a bit of time to think about it before answering

« I don't know, it hasn't been an issue for me so far, but it pains me that it hurts you... I'll never cheat on you, and if I ever was to doubt or stop loving you, I'd tell you. So there is nothing to worry about, I mean, I'm the one who could be jealous of Marie now, don't you think? » that last remark made me smile and I jumped on the occasion.

« Yeah you should, she kisses my nose better than you do, I might want to test her talents further. »

« Would you now? » He kissed my nose then my lips and, had Marie not coughed that loudly by the door, we might have forgotten that I was expected to come back in and that the corridor wasn't the best place to get naked... « Get back in love, and enjoy the pizza! I hope the three of you have fun tonight. »

« Jealousy issues? » asked Marie as Pierre left. I thought back of how it felt to imagine a younger Pierre having his first kiss or how I just felt, picturing him kissing the nose of a friend.

« Maybe but we'll talk about it later. » and with those words I pushed it all back, deep inside me.

We spent the rest of the evening eating pizza, drinking wine and talking about John and Pierre plus a few other things: for example, after one glass of wine too many, Pauline asked if she could get her nose kissed too, and Marie obliged. When she asked me to kiss her nose too though, I refused...

It didn't meant anything to them, but for me, the « kiss on the nose » was definitely a Pierre-and-me thing, one that I attached meaning to, one that I didn't felt like sharing with anyone else. Pauline didn't mind that much as she got the compensation of knowing that, to Marie, her nose was better to kiss than mine.