AUGUST

It had been a year.

A year. It's a long time when nothing happens. When it's filled with hurt, sorrow, anguish and grief, and when you're drowning in darkness with seemingly no way to escape, it feels like time doesn't exist. For Yoongi, time hadn't existed during the last year, to the point where he couldn't tell if the year had felt like a lifetime or like a single day. 

August, surprisingly, was filled with sunny days. Of course, they weren't all cloudless, and the day of Catalina's death anniversary had crying skies and aching thunderstorms. Yet, to Yoongi, it was nothing compared to last year's rain. 

And now here he was, back in Dr Surrey's empty waiting room, a year and two days after Catalina had died, eleven months after he had first been here. Eleven months after he had first stared at the painting of the stormy seas hung over the cold chairs of the waiting room. Here he was, alone in the waiting room, staring at the painting that had yet again changed. 

Eleven months later, the seas weren't so troubled anymore, the skies weren't as grey as before. The rain was still there, but it seemed weak, and the wind wasn't strengthening the storm, rather it was slowly blowing away the clouds.

He found it strange, how he used to only see the storm and the rain, and now he could see the rays of the sun piercing through the clouds. Rays of hope that the storm would eventually go away, rays of light than eleven months ago weren't noticeable at all.

The door to the waiting room opened.

"Min Yoongi, the doctor will see you now," the secretary said. 

He quickly stood up and made his way out of the room and into Dr Surrey's office, giving one last glance to the painting. Somehow, he knew this was the last time he would be seeing it. Because he could now see the light in it, the light that took a whole year to come back but that was finally here to stay. 

Dr Surrey smiled at him as he sat down in front of her. 

"Yoongi, how are you?" Her voice was soft, as always. 

He nodded, "I'm good."

Dr Surrey noted something down. 

"I'm glad to hear it. Since today is our last appointment, I want to talk about some things with you, if that's okay." 

Yoongi raised his eyebrows in questioning. 

"First, about your support system. You're doing better now, and since we won't see each other for a while, I'd like to talk about people you can seek help and support from, should you ever need it."

He nodded slowly. 

"My mom, of course." His voice was soft and determined, not a hint of hesitation in it.

His mom had always been there when he needed it, ever since he was a kid, and even more so in the last year. He wasn't so sure he would still be alive today if it wasn't for the way she held him as he cried during the nights, for the way she listened silently as he screamed his anger to the world, for the way she did everything she could to help him survive the pain. Even though she couldn't understand what he was going through, she did her best to, and she always seemed to know what he needed before he even knew it himself. He owed her his life and his sanity.

"I see. Who else?" Dr Surrey inquired. 

Yoongi shrugged awkwardly. "I don't have many friends," he said silently, not knowing how to explain to his doctor that his mom was the only reason he was still alive. Sure, he had friends, but they didn't help and understood him the way his mom did. They didn't save him like his mom did. 

"What about your brother, Jungkook?" 

Yoongi looked down. 

"Jungkook... Jungkook," he whispered thoughtfully. "Jungkook? I guess." 

"You don't seem so sure," Dr Surrey challenged him. 

Yoongi shrugged. 

"Jungkook's my younger brother by 8 years, we don't have a lot in common," he explained softly, pausing for a long time. "We play sports sometimes, and he invites me to his friends' parties. But otherwise, he doesn't care that much about what I go through. We never talked about Catalina or her death. He never asked me how I was doing, he never stayed when I cried, he never wanted to see my pain. He ignored it as much as he could, like I wasn't suffering and like everything was normal. Honestly, Jungkook is the last person I would go to for support if I needed it." 

Dr Surrey looked at him seriously.

"You know, Yoongi, some people have that reaction to others' struggles and pains. They don't ask about it, they don't acknowledge it, basically they act like nothing is happening and everything is fine." 

She took a short pause. 

"They do it because they don't know what else to do. It doesn't mean they don't care, it means they are afraid. Afraid of hurting you even more by talking about it, afraid of hearing how much suffering you're really going through, afraid that they'll do or say the wrong thing and make everything worse. Don't mistake being afraid for not caring, Yoongi. Jungkook cares. He knows how much pain you've been in, he knows what you've been through, he probably even cried about it when he was alone. He cares, but he doesn't know what to do about it because he's afraid. So he avoids it. But he still cares." 

Yoongi closed his eyes, feeling a few tears forming in his eyes for the first time in a while. 

"Next time you're in pain, go see him. Talk to him, tell him what you feel, and tell him that it hurts even more when he's ignoring your pain. Tell him, and see how he reacts. He might be afraid, but I can guarantee he will be there for you if you ask him to. But you need to say it, because his fears are too strong for him to do it himself." 

Yoongi swallowed his tears and opened his eyes, nodding slowly. 

"Okay," he whispered.

Somehow what Dr Surrey was saying made sense, and he knew deep down that his brother did care, and that his doctor was right. Jungkook cared, but he was scared. And really, who could blame him? Jungkook was 18, way too young to be confronted by sudden death and a destroyed brother. 

"Okay." Dr Surrey noted something down. "So, you have your mom and Jungkook who are there for you, and always will be as long as they live."

Yoongi flinched. 

"Don't say that," he warned, fear evident in his voice. 

Dr Surrey leaned her head to the side. 

"This brings me to the last thing I wanted to talk about. Even though the sadness is slowly leaving you, you're still afraid. Afraid that the pain you've lived through will come back." 

Yoongi froze, his eyes fixed on the red file opened on the desk in front of Dr Surrey. 

"And it will come back. Maybe tomorrow, if someone you love gets in an accident. Maybe in a month, if they become sick. Maybe in a year, if they disappear without a trace. Or maybe only in forty years, if you're lucky. But it will come back, because death is inevitable, Yoongi. You will have to live through the pain again. But until you do, you'll have to live with the fear that you won't know when it will come back." 

Yoongi closed his eyes, his whole face scrunching up in a heartbreaking way. He hoped that by closing his eyes, by becoming blind to the sights, somehow he would also become deaf to the sounds. The sounds of the words he didn't want to hear, but that he couldn't avoid. 

"For months, all you saw was that pain, all you did was suffer in screams and in silence. It was all you could see because it was imprinted in you. You were agony, in its most raw and aching form. You weren't aware of the time, you couldn't be, because it would have killed you, to know how long you've been suffering for. But you got out of it. You rose above your pain, and now you can sometimes forget about it." 

Dr Surrey paused, and Yoongi, eyes still closed, could feel that she was waiting for confirmation that her words were correct. And even if he didn't want to, even if a part of him screamed to deny it, he still nodded reluctantly. 

"And now, when you look back at those times, and all you can see is the blurry days and long, endless nights that you want to forget so badly, but can't, because they will always be a reminder of how much it hurt. And even if the pain goes away for good, and you feel complete and utter happiness and contentment, you heart will ache every time you'll think of those nights years later. It will hurt for what you've been through, what you know you will never forget even though you don't think about it anymore. And so the pain will always be remembered, buried deep into your soul. It might be gone, but its tombstone will live in your mind for eternity, just like Catalina's tombstone is there to remind you of what you have lost. In life, you lose good things, like love, but you also lose bad things, like pain. Just like you need to let go of the bad things, the pain, you need to let go of the good things, of Catalina." 

Dr Surrey stopped speaking then, and followed a long pause. It was silent until Yoongi opened back his eyes a few minutes later, his fearful gaze fell straight into the doctor's warm one.

"Will you let go, Yoongi?" she asked softly. 

And to that, he wanted nothing more than to nod. He was ready to let go, let go of the pain and the fears, let go of Catalina, let go of this past year if it meant that he could live his future peacefully. 

So he nodded.