WARNING: implications of suicidal behaviour (everyone's alive, dw)

♡ ˎˊ˗ IT TAKES TAEHYUNG almost twenty minutes to find Namjoon. He puts his mask on and makes his way through the streets with his hands in the pockets of Jeongguk's jacket, pushing through the crowd of tourists as discreetly as he can. A few people recognise him, ask questions or just say surprisingly nice things, but he thankfully ends up not attracting much attention overall, and manages to spot Namjoon on a park bench by one of the cafés.

Taehyung's had phases when it comes to Kim Namjoon. He was wary of him at Rêveuse, because he noticed the way he made Jeongguk feel right away. When he caught Jeongguk in the hallway and Namjoon came to his rescue, Taehyung assumed he could trust him. That kind of continued up until Eunchae and Jeongguk broke off their engagement and Namjoon's comments made Taehyung feel like Namjoon didn't care that much for his supposed protégé, like he was glad something like that finally happened to Jeongguk to bring him back down to earth.

It seems to him that his opinion on Namjoon depends solely on his current opinion on Jeongguk. He has never, these past few months, been able to put those two on the same side of the imaginary scale in his head. They're opposites, going against each other constantly, and Taehyung finds himself in the middle, not sure whom he should turn to.

The most often, he ends up turning to Jeongguk. And yet, it feels like he needs to do something else this time. To go to one of them first, in order to get to the other. He's never tried it before, but he has no other choice. Jeongguk's gone. He's not answering his phone and Jimin texted Taehyung earlier, saying he and Yoongi had taken the other car and left to go look for him, assuming he'd most likely be back at the property. Taehyung has only one option.

"I don't suppose you know where Jeongguk might be, do you?"

Namjoon doesn't bother to look up at him at the words, slumped shoulders only lifting slightly in a shrug of indifference.

"No," he says quietly. "I'm kind of surprised you don't, though. Since you two apparently know everything about each other now."

"We don't." Taehyung tilts his head, takes off his mask. There are parents with children, some elders. It's not empty enough and he knows the risks of being caught with Kim Namjoon, of all people. He'll be tied to Jeongguk almost immediately, and people will start speculating. He's not sure he wants that, but Yoongi probably does, so he ignores it. "We know enough to notice when one of us is upset by something, when to draw the line."

Namjoon chuckles. "You're implying I don't."

"Oh, I'm stating, sir."

"Drop the sir crap already, Taehyung. We both know you're being petty."

"Perhaps." Taehyung crosses his arms over his chest. He has this irresistible urge to smoke, but his cigarettes are nowhere to be found. He assumes they're still in the car Jeongguk took. "It doesn't make what I'm saying any less true. You did this, I hope you know that."

"Oh, I know that. I don't need anyone to tell me. I know."

"Then, you also know he's been trying so hard to stay in your good graces for days now. What's that all about?" Taehyung does his best to keep his voice down. "You caught up with him, the other day, you pretended to care about his schedule, asked if it was tiring, all to make him drop his guard, is that it?"

"No, I---"

"You knew how much this meant to him, didn't you? You still---"

"Fuck, Taehyung, I know, alright?" He stands up and runs a hand down his face, before taking a look around. Exasperated, tired. Taehyung can't say he doesn't deserve it. "Don't lecture me on this. You met him four months ago, I've known him since he was a kid."

"And you still don't understand, do you?" Taehyung sighs. "What you're supposed to do. That you can't just promise to do something for him, especially something as important to him as this, and then neglect it completely, simply because you didn't expect the museum to be closed. Years and years and you still don't know him at all."

Namjoon clenches his jaw. "You don't get to say that."

"Prove it."

He laughs and rests his hands on his hips, lowering his eyes to the ground, almost in disbelief. His hair is blindingly silver in the sunlight. "Oh, you want me to prove it? Let's see. Mood swings, risky behaviour, paranoia, just terrible anger management, suicidal---"

"I'm not asking you to repeat all the things mentioned by that idiot of a therapist whom you hired and had Jeongguk talk to, only to have them report it all back to you." Namjoon's expression shifts and Taehyung raises an eyebrow. "I know about that, yes. I'm asking you to prove it by fixing this."

Taehyung wonders how Jimin treats situations like this, wonders if he goes after Jeongguk first or comes to Namjoon, if he's gentle with them or if he needs to explain everything firmly for it to sink in.

He's aware he's not Park Jimin. He can't get to either of them properly, but he can try. He can take everything he's been thinking, all these months, and put it out in the open, get some answers, and hopefully make a difference.

He can recall the conversation he had with Namjoon at J Entertainment, when Jeongguk disappeared, how he was told to stay out of it, to preserve his own peace. It felt intrusive then, to go after him, to try and make a difference. It no longer does.

Namjoon looks at him for a long time. His eyes are a little red, Taehyung notices briefly, as is the tip of his nose. It's not that cold out.

"I don't know how," he mutters finally. Taehyung exhales and sits down. Namjoon follows, sits down next to him, turning to face him.

"How do you usually fix it?"

"I don't," Namjoon admits. "We don't usually see eye to eye, Jeongguk and I, in case you haven't noticed."

"I've noticed, yes." Taehyung hums. "But I've also noticed he's still hoping you someday will."

"Right."

"He truly is," he argues. "He may pretend to hate you, but all he wants is for your relationship to be normal. I know it once was. I know you were family. He still looks at you that way sometimes, but you don't. I know something changed at one point. I know it's different. However, I also know you still love him. You wouldn't be here if you didn't, if you thought he couldn't be helped."

Namjoon has his hands in his lap, cracking his knuckles, picking at his cuticles. God, Jeongguk's so much like him and neither of them see it.

"I've tried, but it's... exhausting, all of it." He huffs. There's a deep crease in between his brows, one that reminds Taehyung of Seokjin. He wonders why he hasn't called at all. "Walking on eggshells around him, 'cause whatever I do, it turns out wrong somehow. Nowadays, he has Jimin. He has you, too, but... he used to come to me for everything, you know? He came to me happy, came to me sad, angry. I was on the receiving end of all of his crap. The good stuff and the bad stuff."

It's exactly what Jimin said the other day. How being on Jeongguk's good side meant having to be ready to take on the burden of enduring the bad, too.

"He loved you, did he not?" Taehyung asks. "Was the struggle not worth the love you received in return?"

He finds himself holding his breath for a moment, hoping his heartbeat doesn't disrupt the silence as Namjoon sighs. "Not always, no."

Taehyung finds nothing to say in response, so he gives into the silence. He shuts his eyes, tries to concentrate on the cold, dark feeling making his skin crawl, on the itch in his fingertips, waits for his phone to ring, for it to be Yoongi or Jimin, informing him Jeongguk's safe, for it to be Jeongguk, telling him it's okay.

What if he's not back at the property? What if he just drove off without a plan in mind, and his battery died and he couldn't get help and he tried? What if everything Namjoon says is true and Jeongguk will crash his car for the hell of it, with or without getting out of harm's way in the process? What if---?

"Fuck," Taehyung whispers. "I wish I had my cigarettes on me."

A chuckle slips past Namjoon's lips and he reaches into the breast pocket of his jacket, before fishing out a pack of cigarettes and opening it for Taehyung to take one. Taehyung watches him, eyebrows raised, before taking a cigarette and a small silver lighter offered to him.

"I didn't know you smoked," he says as Namjoon takes a cigarette for himself and takes back his lighter.

"Not in front of him, I don't."

"You do know he's not fifteen anymore, don't you?" Taehyung mumbles. Namjoon laughs again, before nodding. Taehyung thinks back to meeting Jeongguk on that rooftop, smoking with him, Jeongguk saying Taehyung would snitch on him and tell Namjoon. "I haven't heard him speak to you normally ever since I met him. Is there something in particular that you've done to anger him?"

"Oh, trust me, he can be angry for no fucking reason," Namjoon says, but the humour drains out of his voice. "But yeah, there's stuff he can't forgive me for. No idea if he's ever going to."

"He tried," Taehyung reminds him. "Yesterday, he really tried."

"And today, he's angry again."

"Angry you didn't keep your promise. That's a completely valid reason." Taehyung pauses. "Do you think you could try and tell me what happened? You disrespect his privacy enough as it is. I can't imagine why you're keeping it to yourself if you're as innocent as you claim to be."

"I'm not saying I'm innocent, I'm saying I'm human."

"And so is Jeongguk," Taehyung says back, keeping his voice firm. "The fact that he has an overreaction to most things doesn't immediately mean you're allowed to forbid him from having a reaction in the first place!"

Namjoon stares at him and shakes his head.

"That's not what I'm doing."

"It is. You see, this, what I'm experiencing now, it's a reaction," Taehyung explains. "You're having one, as well. We all have them, so why can't he?"

"No, but that's where the difference is." Namjoon lifts his eyebrows. "I came out here, that's my reaction. You're here with me, that's yours. Jeongguk's reaction is stealing my fucking keys and driving off! He'll probably crash the car and try to hurt himself and--- Taehyung, people will see. It's not just Korea now, it's not just Asia, it's the world."

The entire world. It's true, Taehyung supposes, because Jeongguk used to be known only in South Korea and Japan. A few years ago, he succeeded in gaining the attention of the western media, quickly becoming one of the biggest stars in the industry. He's not his parents' little secret, not a talented local kid --- he's Jeon Jeongguk: his entire life is being watched.

He and Taehyung exchanged five words at Rêveuse and the world already knew. They walked the streets of Seoul and got swarmed by paparazzi and curious fans within minutes, unless they were surrounded by a team of people designated to protect Jeongguk at all times. There's a girl pretending to be a sweet, respectful fan, showing up in front of his house, and no one knows about it because Jeongguk doesn't want them to worry. Jeongguk has to stand on rooftops or get out of the city to be able to exist in peace, and even then, he's not completely by himself, even then, he's called irresponsible, immature, emotional.

Namjoon's fingers twirl the cigarette. He clears his throat, blows out smoke, and speaks, "Jeongguk's father didn't force him into getting engaged. I did."

Everything in Taehyung's mind goes silent for a moment. He sits there, still, blinking down at his own hands, before slowly turning to look at Namjoon, who doesn't meet his eyes. "Come again?"

"It was all my idea," he says. "All of it, settling down, choosing her, I did everything I could."

Taehyung blinks. "I'm not sure I understand." He frowns. "I thought... Jeongguk said that they'd agreed because they didn't have a choice, that---" That he couldn't be picky. "He also said his father---"

"He and his father both did what I told them to do. JK chose Eunchae, after I suggested her. Jaehwan chose her, too, after I brought up her wealth," Namjoon interrupts, looking at him finally. "Taehyung, you really don't get how this world works. None of it is the way it seems."

"So, explain it to me."

He feels stupid. So fucking stupid. Because either Namjoon is lying to him, which is likely, or Jeongguk has been lying to him for months, which... He honestly doesn't know what that means, what it makes him feel. All he knows is, the feeling has his stomach twisting in ugly knots, and Jeongguk wouldn't do that, he simply wouldn't---

"They both used to put their faith in me. They trusted me and I used it the best I could, to help Jeongguk." He sighs. "Taehyung, he was lost. His mother left, he didn't get along with his father, he... He got into trouble to get a reaction. It was dangerous, especially when he started getting recognition. They fought and I was in the middle, so I did the best I could with what I had. I used their trust to try and create balance, to... guide him, sort of."

Namjoon was to Jeongguk and Jaehwan what Jimin is to Jeongguk and Namjoon. That middle ground. Yet, he isn't Jimin. He can't have used the same tactics, there must have been something different, something he did that drove Jeongguk to hate him. It can't have been that simple.

"Why?"

"Because I loved him," Namjoon says, almost like it's obvious, like he didn't even need to say it. "I just wanted him to get what he deserved, to take what's rightfully his. I didn't want him to end up alone, to get in trouble, so I... kept him in line. Sometimes, that meant doing things he didn't want me to do."

Taehyung swallows. It's just as he expected. "Such as?"

"I lived with him up until last year, now I have all staff members answer to me, so I can answer to Jaehwan hyung. They tell me everything they see or hear Jeongguk do, so I can tell him." He shakes his head. "I don't tell him everything, obviously. I tell him enough to make him think he knows everything, and the rest I... fix."

"That's where the engagement comes in, I suppose?"

Namjoon nods. "He needed to get married to inherit the company."

"What sort of medieval fantasy does CEO Jeon live in?" Taehyung frowns. "Why should a grown man need a partner---?"

"A wife."

"Right." Whatever. "Why should he need a wife to inherit his father's company? Can't a single man be in charge of a company without marrying?"

"Usually, sure, but if there's a clear condition, then there's nothing we can do." Namjoon shakes his head. "Jeongguk needs to be seen as mature and responsible, to be trustworthy and reliable, and he's none of that, not in the eyes of his parents. Settling down would've been the right solution. That's how I convinced him he should get married... but I also convinced Jaehwan hyung."

Taehyung frowns. "I don't understand."

"I kind of... went behind each of their backs to convince the other one." Namjoon rubs the back of his neck in something Taehyung can only pinpoint as shame. "I convinced hyung that finding Jeongguk a wife was the right way to go, told him it would help him get Jeongguk in line. Then, I told Jeongguk he should get married to secure his position and not let his father prevent him from taking over the company." He pauses. "I shouldn't have done that. I should've been honest with him from the beginning, he would have understood."

If Jeongguk was forced by his trusty friend and manager to get married to someone he didn't love, Taehyung understands his anger still. He truly does. He also understands this is what set it all off, Jeongguk's visible hostility towards Namjoon in June, at Rêveuse, and everything that happened after. It all fits. All of it, except for...

"Where does Hwang Eunchae fit into all of this?" he asks. "Did she know?"

"Not exactly, no. Her father and Jaehwan hyung were already good business partners, but not even Mr Hwang knew the details. They're a family matter, Taehyung." Namjoon sighs. "Of course, Jeongguk told her as soon as he found out, though."

"As expected."

Namjoon shoots him a flat look and Taehyung glares back at him, until it eventually becomes a little pointless. Then, Namjoon shrugs his shoulders and looks away. "She would have been so good for him, Taehyung. The company would've had benefits from the union. JK, too. He can't exactly settle down if he sleeps around and never commits to one woman. Don't get me started on the fact that he's queer, so if he does find someone, it might not be a woman at all, which... isn't good, not for this. It's not what we need." He sighs. "We needed a stable marriage to a successful, competent young woman, she would have kept him in line, while still keeping him happy, but he couldn't manage that. Couldn't live with his own best friend to inherit a fortune."

"There are multiple aspects of what you've just told me that sound painfully wrong, but I also feel like you're telling the story backwards." Taehyung frowns. "Does he really need to get married now? And why does Jaehwan even want him to? I'd expect him to do everything he can to stop Jeongguk, instead of working towards convincing him, especially if he wants to control him. And these conditions, why does he even have them if he's ready to let him fake a marriage to fulfill them?"

Namjoon licks his lips and looks down at the cigarette in between his fingers, deep in thought. Taehyung remembers being mesmerised by his demeanor back in his office at J Ent, remembers those glasses and that silver hair and thinking Kim Namjoon was as wise as he appeared. Now, he thinks Kim Namjoon isn't telling him everything.

"Jaehwan hyung is not gonna be able to work much longer," Namjoon says finally. "He needs an heir, someone who will do the company justice, who knows what should be done, who's experienced the industry first-hand. Haneul, his daughter, she's too young, inexperienced, and... a woman, which hyung doesn't particularly like, and Ayami's boys, they're not his." He clicks his tongue. "He wants a strong, healthy male heir, biologically his, and old enough to inherit everything and take on the responsibility."

"That would be Jeongguk," Taehyung states, but Namjoon laughs.

"Exactly, except hyung sees Jeongguk is... unfit.. You see, I thought one of the quickest ways to prove Jeongguk was mature would be through marriage. A stable marriage to another heir, a connection to another influential family."

"That makes very little sense," Taehyung says, narrowing his eyes. "When has marriage ever been a sign of maturity? Children are still being forced into marriages to spouses twice their age, forced to start a family, and you thought getting him married would be the best option?"

"It's his parents, Taehyung. They're almost as unpredictable as he is. This was our safest bet, especially since it's exactly where JK's biggest problem lies --- people. I thought, if they saw him in a good, healthy relationship, they'd realise he wasn't so hopeless, after all."

"And you just... convinced him to fake an engagement to Hwang Eunchae?" Taehyung shrugs.

"Yes. He was completely fine with it, because he thought he was doing it on his own terms. Choosing his own wife, instead of letting Jaehwan hyung choose for him. He got pissed off that I told hyung he should encourage it."

"But I still don't understand," Taehyung insists. "Why would you even go to Jaehwan in the first place? Why doesn't he just let Jeongguk take over if he needs an heir so badly? Why all the conditions?"

"You're gonna have to ask Jeongguk that," Namjoon says back. "Again, it's a family matter. It's his decision, not mine. A little late for me to try and respect that, but I might as well start." He lowers his voice and puts out his cigarette. He steps on it, twists the heel of his boot against it, until it's ash, and adds, "All you need to know is, I went behind his back and I shouldn't have. I didn't mean to hurt him, I wanted to help, but he doesn't believe me."

"You can't expect it to be any different, honestly," Taehyung says. "Especially with how you treat him. It's not surprising that he assumed you had ulterior motives."

"I didn't."

"I suppose so," Taehyung says, "but how can he trust you, when all you've ever done is discourage him from making his own decisions? How can he trust you, when you've disguised your every move as his own, made him believe he was unfit?"

"Treating him any differently would have made him soft. This is a cruel world, Taehyung, and as long as he's strong, he can endure it."

Taehyung feels that familiar rage within him still. A reminder of strong fingers on his bony shoulders, of overfilled plates and that lump in his throat. Eat, and you'll be strong. You'll be perfect.

"Do you not realise how ridiculous that sounds?" he asks. "You're openly admitting to mistreating him, purely for the sake of teaching him. That's not what you're meant to do," he shakes his head. "You're meant to help him."

"I don't know how."

"By paying attention," Taehyung says. "By taking the first step, as you did the other day, and actually keeping your word, continuing in the same direction. By showing some respect, for a change."

Namjoon watches him for a few long seconds, before sighing and lowering his head in his hands. "God, I miss the kid he used to be. It was so simple back then."

"Back when? When he looked up to you and was gullible enough to do whatever you told him to? When he was so young he didn't even know what it meant to try and be his own person?" Taehyung's teeth grind together. "That's what you miss? Well, he misses the brother you used to be."

He receives no response, so he decides to continue.

"You never praise him, you never say anything even remotely kind to him, so much so that, when you do, he's ready to run back to you like a puppy. You just have to take the initiative and keep your bloody word. It's that easy." He pauses. "Yesterday, he tried. He tried, and he was so happy, just to be around you, to have you back. You noticed it, I saw that you noticed it, and you still didn't care."

"I cared," Namjoon says finally. "I just knew it wouldn't last."

Why doesn't it last? Because of Jeongguk's abruptness and that wild temper of his, because of the way everyone around him seems to disregard this. Because they don't take him seriously, since they simply never had to, because someone was always there to step in.

"He told me he didn't want to keep holding grudges," Taehyung says. "He defended you from me like his life depended on it. Then, he got anxious." He'll never forget how small Jeongguk felt in his arms. How his body trembled, how he sniffled against Taehyung's skin, holding onto him until it tired him out. "I think he felt remorse about all the things he'd done to anger you lately, so much so that he blamed himself for... well, just about all of it."

"What do you mean?"

"He tried to make himself believe that it was all his fault, that you were an innocent victim of his temper." Taehyung shakes his head. "But you lost his trust again today, showed him you couldn't understand him. You're the physical embodiment of all his restrictions, aren't you?" He looks up to face him. "I'm not entirely sure, but I believe he doesn't spend all that much time around Jeon Jaehwan. All his rules, all his expectations, he receives all of them strictly through you. And unless something changes, he'll start hating you for it."

"He already does."

"He doesn't," Taehyung insists. "He's not stupid, Namjoon. He's a professional, a superstar, he's been doing this for a while now. He was thrown into this world at such a young age and, although it does have its consequences, it also means he knows what he's doing, most of the time. He may need an occasional helping hand, but he certainly needs trust and respect, too."

"Occasional, right." Namjoon scoffs. "Running off without telling anyone, stealing my car, fucking someone at his fiancée's event, with hundreds of people present just to piss me off, he really knows what he's doing, huh?"

Something in Taehyung's mind clicks, the memories of how Jeongguk looked at him that night, of Jimin's arm on Jeongguk's shoulder, of the tension in Jeongguk's jaw as he was all but dragged away, the talk of his manager being one scary man, the way he disappeared.

He approached Taehyung with the intention to use him to get back at Namjoon. To anger him.

An escape. That's what Jeongguk called it when they discussed it. He'd wanted an escape from everything. If he got to anger the man who was currently getting on his nerves, Jeongguk must have decided to take his chances and get both. Two birds and all.

Taehyung forces himself to focus on the crucial part of what Namjoon's just said, on implying Jeongguk's utterly lost, when in reality, all he needs is support. His anger resurfaces.

"And you thought that getting his therapist to report back to you about everything would be the right solution?" he snaps back. Namjoon can't say anything to that, so he forces himself to keep his voice down. "He's struggling with something he doesn't know how to fix on his own, and I think you knew it, at some point. He wouldn't love you if you hadn't. And you wouldn't be here if you didn't love him, still. I think that, in your determination to help him fall under his father's ridiculous expectations, you've started to have them, too."

"They're not ridiculous."

"If you constantly mistreat him, just to get him to toughen up, if you disrespect his choices, then yes, they are." Taehyung continues before he gets interrupted, "He doesn't hate you, Namjoon. I can promise you that he doesn't. Try to listen to him, to actually, genuinely listen. You care for him. It shouldn't be that hard to simply... show it."

Namjoon frowns at him. All his intentions to interrupt seem to have died down at one point, and he just sits there, looking at Taehyung as if every possible solution will somehow show on his face. It obviously doesn't, since Namjoon eventually slumps in defeat, lowering his gaze to the ground.

"I thought that I could make him like me," he says, voice soft. Taehyung's never heard it sound like this. "Jaehwan hyung respects my opinions, listens to me... I thought, if I made Jeongguk like me, maybe he'd listen to him, too. Maybe, if I made him tough, he'd have to be strong, and brave, and nothing could ever hurt him."

And oh, it's a cycle, isn't it? Of a cold, angry man, creating another cold, angry man.

"But you hurt him."

Namjoon watches him for a long, long time, not saying a word. His frown is set deep into his thick eyebrows as he fumbles with his bruised knuckles, each crack loud in the silence of the almost empty park. He parts his lips, about to say something, but Taehyung's phone rings. It's Yoongi.

The amount of relief he's flooded with is almost enough to drown him, but he doesn't let it, picking up immediately. "We found the car near Woljeongri. He's not in it."

He's not in it. He's not in the car, he's not on the beach, he... He has to be close, but not too close, because he doesn't want to get caught.

Doesn't he?

He didn't go straight back to the property. He went someplace else, but he didn't sneak off to an unknown location, didn't board the ferry all on his own or do anything just as ridiculous. No, he's there, close to Woljeongri, someplace familiar to him and the people searching for him, or somewhere around it.

Not outside, but not quite inside.

He wants to be found. By Taehyung.

"The crater," Taehyung blurts out, startling Namjoon. "Hyung, the volcanic crater, the bloody crater we watched the sunrise from!"

"Sunrise Peak," Yoongi confirms, presumably to Jimin. "You're a genius, kid. We're on it. Don't worry."

"I'm coming to you," he says before he can even process it, and hangs up the phone. He takes a few steps back towards the pathway, before turning back around to look at Namjoon. "You know he loves you way too much to actually fire you. Fix this while he still does, perhaps by finding a decent vehicle for me to borrow. With keys, preferably."

♡ ˎˊ˗ HE FINDS THE car empty, as expected. There's a bottle of water on the passenger seat, half empty, but his cigarettes aren't there, either. He must've dropped them somewhere.

Jimin and Yoongi are almost halfway downhill when he reaches them. Yoongi's sitting down, legs stretched out in front of him, utterly exhausted. Jimin has his hands in his pockets and he's pacing around him like a restless puppy.

He's just gotten back from Jeongguk and he's giving him space, is what he says, but Taehyung doesn't understand how much more space he needs. They let him roam the island for over an hour, he's had enough time to himself. It's a selfish thought, probably to do with how much he wonders what he's up to, how much he wants to see him and make sure he's in one piece. He trusts Jimin, but he'd like to see for himself.

He thinks back to wondering about Jimin's purpose, his seemingly unnecessary presence at meetings, constantly by Jeongguk's side, even when he didn't appear to be needed. Park Jimin has been there for Jeongguk's safety, in more than one way --- to provide comfort, not just protection.

(Taehyung wonders if Jeongguk would like to spend more time around him, too. He should want to protest, to refuse straight away, and laugh in his face, the way he would have in June. He can't imagine doing that now, wanting to do it now. There's nothing he'd want less.)

"You should go," Yoongi tells him on cue, and Jimin nods.

"Yeah, we just talked about it." He sighs. "You two have a thing."

Taehyung scoffs. "We're close, certainly, but I doubt our so-called thing, can compare to your friendship. How could I make a difference when you couldn't?"

Jimin opens his mouth to respond, but Yoongi is faster. "Kid, just listen to him, alright? That kid's pissed as hell, at everyone and everything, and if his best friend says you can help, then you help. Okay?"

It's almost ridiculous, if he's being honest. Leaving Jimin here and going to the top all by himself, being the one to talk Jeongguk down, when Jimin's the one known for always calming him down, grounding him, especially when it's about Namjoon. Taehyung can't get involved, because he doesn't know everything, because he wasn't there. He just can't.

But isn't that what he's been doing this whole time?

Leaving everybody else to go up, as far as he needed to, to find Jeongguk. Ignoring lectures and warnings to look for him on the tallest of rooftops, in the darkest of nights. Getting involved in something that was never his business to begin with, and coming out alive. That's what he does, it's what he did ages ago, calling him out for cheating, giving him conditions, going after him when he and Jeongguk were but strangers. He can certainly do it now, when they're close.

When they're friends.

He did it with Namjoon, as well. He thinks it will work, thinks Namjoon will come around. That final look on his face before Taehyung left gives him that impression.

There's that difference between him and Jimin. Jimin's been here all along, while Taehyung's still 'new' to the dynamic. Namjoon can't stand the idea of arguing with Jeongguk for so long, only for someone new to come along and understand him better than he can. He'll go as far as to take Taehyung's advice to fix it, whereas he probably wouldn't have taken Jimin's, had Jimin been the one to talk to him. Taehyung can only hope Jeongguk appreciates a fresh perspective, too.

He sees Jeongguk before Jeongguk sees him, and yet, there's no surprise on his face, not the slightest flinch to him as Taehyung crests the final stretch of the path to the top, to find him sitting on the ground, framed by the harsh sunlight, a cigarette in his mouth.

I know they told you shit, he spat that day, on the rooftop. If you came here to babysit me, you should go.

Taehyung speaks before he can think it through, eyes focused on the pack of cigarettes Jeongguk's playing with, "Despite what you may think, I'm actually not here to babysit you."

Jeongguk doesn't look away from the ocean stretching endlessly towards the horizon, wild and free. The pack is Taehyung's. "I know, sweetheart."

A flutter of something warm and bright passes through Taehyung, from head to toe, and he steps closer, before clumsily sitting down next to Jeongguk. He watches him, searches his features for any trace of anger, of an upcoming tantrum, but there's nothing. His eyes, the eyes that sent chills down Taehyung's spine barely over an hour ago, dark and cold, are empty. They're empty, red-rimmed, and round. Whatever had its hold on him earlier, it's gone now. He's quiet, drained of it all, tired.

"Do you know," he starts around the cigarette, "that people come here on vacation, like, all the time?"

Taehyung frowns. "It's fairly crowded here all the time, I believe I do."

Jeongguk shakes his head, the corner of his lips curved up just slightly, and offers the cigarette to Taehyung. Taehyung takes it, their fingers brushing, and Jeongguk brings his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.

"An average Korean person, an average family, they come here, like, once a year." Before Taehyung can say he himself hasn't been here in over a decade, he points out, "You don't count, you don't go on vacation."

"That's a fair point." Taehyung suppresses a smile.

"Yeah, but... people come here so often. They work their asses off, save up some money every year and, when they finally get those two weeks off, they pack up their things and come here to spend some time with their loved ones or just to relax alone or..." Jeongguk trails off. Taehyung sees where this is going, his smile slipping. "I fucking sing and dance, there's no way I work more than most of those people, but I sure as hell earn a lot more. I have the money, I have an adjustable schedule, but I just... don't come here."

"Do you wish you could?" Taehyung asks carefully. "Those flights you take, all by yourself, when you want to escape the watchful eyes, you can come here, instead."

Jeongguk rests his temple against the tops of his knees, turning to the side to look at Taehyung. Taehyung's breath gets stuck somewhere in his throat, because Jeongguk's so, so pretty like this. So pretty Taehyung could die.

He whispers, "It's not the same."

Taehyung thinks back to Tokyo, to the only home Jeongguk truly has, to the teddy bear on his bed and the faded words on the label, to the love Jeongguk's come here to honour, the love he's come here to mourn. "Would she come here with you? Have you even asked?"

"No," he says, then repeats, "It's not the same."

"It's not supposed to be. We all change. Isn't that what you told me in the car when we left Seoul?" Taehyung copies his form, hugging his knees. "Change is natural. Everyone and everything goes through it, doesn't it? Changing doesn't mean we no longer deserve love."

Deserving love. That's where Jeongguk hits the wall, isn't it? That's where he can't get over his own mistakes, where he stops because he thinks there's nothing for him on the other side. Burying himself in memories of his childhood, instead of going to his mother, to the one person who still reminds him of it, because she knows he changed. Doing everything he can to anger his father, because his father knows he changed. Ruining his relationship with his big brother and manager, never bothering to fix it, because Namjoon knows he changed.

Deciding to get married to his best friend, even if he doesn't love her, because she knows that he can't change. Never asking for love, never even looking for it, giving it all up, because he, Jeongguk, knows that he can't change. That he'll never, ever change.

"I just wanted it to be perfect," he mutters. Taehyung wonders why he's enduring this, enduring another presence here. He clearly chased Jimin away. Why is Taehyung still allowed to be here? "I wanted a few days without everything blowing up in my face, that's all."

"This isn't your fault," Taehyung says. "You had a plan, a good one, and you stuck to it. There's nothing wrong with that, but you have to understand not everything goes according to our plans. And yes, it's devastating to think that someone failed you, someone you trusted with something important to you, but you can't blame yourself for it."

"But it's such a small thing," Jeongguk responds. "A small, stupid thing. It doesn't even matter, it shouldn't! But I couldn't---"

"But it matters to you." Taehyung watches his eyes, searches for that darkness from earlier. It's really gone. "People close to you should respect that. Namjoon didn't. You're not wrong to be angry, but you're wrong to put yourself in danger because of it." He pauses. "You keep going all the way to the edge the second something pushes you towards it."

Jeongguk looks away from him, running his hands through his hair to push it away from his face. He curls his fists around the strands, almost tugging. His breathing quickens. "Fuck."

"It's alright."

"It's not!" he snaps back, locking eyes with Taehyung again. They're dark and round, something in them beautifully raw. "You know, when we signed that contract, I didn't give a fuck how you'd see me. I thought, if you saw me at my worst, you'd know to stay away and leave me alone, 'cause I didn't wanna deal with you. You didn't do that, you--- Taehyung, you kept pushing, and pushing, and now, I... I wanted us to have a few days to just do nothing. I was gonna come here to film alone and I thought, maybe I could have you here, use this to... get to know you, but instead, you got to know this ugly side of---"

"I knew it already," Taehyung interrupts. Jeongguk falls still. "You said it yourself, less than a minute ago." He reaches out carefully to place a hand on Jeongguk's shoulder, turning to face him fully. He wraps his fingers around Jeongguk's wrists, easing his hands away from his hair. "We signed the contract whilst hating each other's guts. You'd be insane to think I simply didn't notice how you behaved. Of course I bloody noticed, I'd been obsessed with you! There's nothing I'm getting to know that I didn't know before, and I couldn't care less about it."

"But---"

"I truly couldn't." Taehyung shakes his head, lowering their joined hands into his own lap. His fingers trace Jeongguk's wrists, graze his knuckles, and Jeongguk watches him. "All I'm getting to know is what's brought it all on, your stress, your anger. I'm learning to be around you without upsetting you. That's all I care about. That's why I went to Kim Namjoon. To hear his perspective, to try to put this together, to make sense of it."

Jeongguk's fingers curl into fists. "Fuck him."

Taehyung tilts his head. "You know, he regrets it, truly. Not booking your visit, not listening to you... Jeongguk, he still cares about you."

Jeongguk snorts. "Right."

"He does. You both seem to think the other one hates you, so you just give up." He sighs. "He told me about the issues between you two. About the engagement, how it all happened, about your father's demands."

He seems to search Taehyung's face for a second, almost as if to gauge at his reaction or to see how much he knows. "Oh."

"You could have told me," Taehyung mutters.

"I didn't know you that well. You see, I'm learning not to idealise people. I kinda overshare the second I feel even a hint of a connection to somebody. I couldn't just... tell you everything right away."

Taehyung nods. "That's fair. And it's good that you're working on that, I'm sure it will help you a lot." He sighs. "He hurt you pretty badly, didn't he?"

Jeongguk obviously doesn't expect the sudden shift, eyes dimming. He looks away, focusing on the ocean again. His voice is soft when he speaks. "Yeah. Guess I didn't expect it from him. To go behind my back, to make my dad treat me like a fucking kid, it... It made no sense."

"It doesn't make sense to me, either," Taehyung admits, sheepish. "Any of this."

Turning to him once more, Jeongguk nods. "Ask me. Ask anything."

"He said your father wanted you to marry. Why would he be so hellbent on proving your... maturity, whatever you want to call it, when he's the one you're taking J Entertainment from?"

Jeongguk looks at him for a beat, before letting out a breath. "My dad doesn't own J Entertainment. Mum does."

Now, Taehyung shouldn't be as surprised as he is to hear this. He's been told, time and time again, how much influence that woman has, even now, despite the fact that she's not around. To hear that Jeon Jaehwan only sits there, in her office, to give out orders, while the real power resides in her hands... Taehyung finds himself oddly pleased, although confused.

Jeon Minseo is a strange subject for him to think about. He doesn't think about her often, only when he catches that glimpse of childlike happiness in Jeongguk's eyes, which, in his opinion, happens way too rarely, but when he does think about her, Taehyung knows it's bittersweet. Jeongguk's relationship with her, strained by the years of distance, by the betrayal he felt when she left and the strength it took for him to forgive her, when he can't really forgive the way others seem to, her presence in each and every good memory of Jeongguk's childhood, all of it leads him to believe that she's special somehow. That there's no one in the world Jeongguk loves the way he loves her, not even Jaehwan --- certainly not Jaehwan.

So to hear that, although Jaehwan is around, looming above them all like a curse, J Entertainment isn't truly his, but that it belongs to the woman he hurt, the woman who has the power to get him away from everyone, to change his life with one single decision, it's as satisfying as it is annoying. It's satisfying because... well, fuck Jeon Jaehwan. And it's annoying because Jeongguk's here, wasting away, trying to please his father, and she simply won't do anything about it. Taehyung doesn't understand why that is.

He's starting to think Jeon Minseo is one of the people Jeongguk idealises.

"So," Taehyung starts out, "she wants you to get married?"

Jeongguk chuckles. "No one knows what she wants. That was just Namjoon hyung's guess. Knowing her, he's probably not wrong."

"Why does she keep your father around?" he asks simply.

"It was his request," Jeongguk responds with a shrug. "She has most of the shares, voting rights, everything, but he works for her as long as he meets some, like, basic standards. She can fire him just like that," he says and snaps his fingers, "but only if he fucks up. And my guess is, that's why he can't stand me. Anything I do can reflect poorly on him as the face of the company. And as my dad, obviously."

Taehyung blinks. "He's just a face?"

"He's CEO Jeon to you, to me, to everyone who wants to keep their fucking head on their shoulders, Taehyung. We all know that's not it, but as long as he's around, he's the only authority we should concern ourselves with. Until, of course, I inherit everything and decide to kick his sorry ass out."

It's crazy. Jeongguk's been telling him all along how he must please his father, so he can inherit the company from him, when in reality, the woman about whom he always has the nicest things to say, the woman he loves to the point of keeping her separate from all the other aspects of his life, she's the one whose expectations he needs to meet.

Jeon Jaehwan tried to force him into marriage in order to secure his own position. To make Jeon Minseo see their son was capable, so that Jeongguk would get everything. What did he expect? Gratitude? Being allowed to still be a part of J Entertainment?

Taehyung is sure he'll never understand that family. He's not sure he wants to, either. There's only one Jeon he cares about.

"And you still broke off the engagement so easily?" he asks. "How come?"

Jeongguk sighs. "I got tired. Of pretending, of doing something I was literally tricked into doing. I also broke her trust, which I knew I'd do again, so... Can't just force my best friend to ignore all the shit I do. It's unfair. She doesn't deserve that."

Deserve.

He's asked Jeongguk, time and time again, why he'd gotten engaged in the first place, why he'd chosen the only woman he knew would never love him back, why he'd wanted to do that to her and himself. Jeongguk's always had the same response. Not being picky. Not having a choice. But he had a choice, did he not? Namjoon and his father aside, he had a clear choice, and he chose her still.

The lack of options wasn't clearly presented to him. It was in his head, the only prison he was ever trapped in.

Taehyung takes the same risk again.

"When you told me you had no choice but to get engaged to her," he begins, "was it because you thought you deserved no better?"

The silence that falls over them is soft. Birds are chirping, the wind is playing with their hair, their clothes, nothing seems out of the ordinary, except for Jeongguk, who looks at Taehyung with such intensity that Taehyung almost flinches back. There he is, he thinks. Welcome back.

"She's great," he argues, voice low. He's dodging the subject and they both know it. "Why'd I want anyone better than her?"

"You know that's not what I meant." Taehyung shakes his head. "You wanted to settle down with her. You had a choice, and you chose her."

Jeongguk blinks down at his restless hands, before shrugging. There's a small smile on his lips, the one Taehyung can't bloody stand, because he knows what's coming. "She knows me. Knows how much of an asshole I can be, so if she could put up with me for years as my friend, she could do it married, too. It would have been almost like we were roommates."

"So you rushed into an engagement to a friend you knew wouldn't romantically love you, instead of waiting to find a woman you could actually fall in love with, be happy with?" Taehyung waits for him to meet his eyes before smiling at him. "You thought no one else would put up with you?"

Jeongguk shrugs again. "Would they?"

Taehyung's response is on the tip of his tongue, but Jeongguk laughs a little bitterly, and he gives up right away.

There's so much to him that he simply doesn't notice. So much that's overshadowed by the darkness in him, to the point where he himself can't see it, drowned in that twisted cycle of rage, of coldness.

Jeongguk's angry. But he's so, so warm.

"You're being utterly ridiculous," Taehyung murmurs, watching the golden glow of his skin. "You can't possibly---"

"Taehyung, my entire personality is fake," Jeongguk deadpans. "You said it the other day, you weren't wrong. You know that better than anyone, you know I'm not who everyone thinks I am. I have to speak really slow in interviews to avoid making mistakes, I can barely hold back when someone says something that pisses me off, but I know I can't say shit because idols just can't."

"Jeongguk."

"I'm only doing the collection with you because I like working with you, otherwise, I could easily get someone, anyone else to do it instead of me, you know that," he continues. "I have, like, three friends, tops, and they're all famous, 'cause no one in their right mind can stand being around me when people constantly watch me. I barely have time for myself, let alone for other people. I smoke, I drink, but people hate me for it, threaten me the second I show something they don't like. My ideas aren't mine, Taehyung, my fucking songs aren't mine." He laughs. "I make music, yeah, but that's not the music I release. You think they'd let me put out all my actual songs and risk giving the impression that I'm different from the persona they made for me?"

Taehyung watches and watches, but can't say a thing. He's utterly speechless for the first time. Jeongguk's fallen silent, chest rising and falling with heavy breaths, after spilling the whole truth in a single one. He looks away from Taehyung again, lowers his head, and picks at a spot where the grass has died to reveal the naked ground beneath.

Taehyung thinks back to the song Jeongguk played for him in his studio, to that tune he butchers more and more every time he finds himself humming it out loud, to the look in Jeongguk's eyes whenever he catches him.

"Are any of them yours?" he blurts out. "The songs."

Jeongguk answers right away, "Most of the ones you told me you liked. The unreleased one we listened to together, that..." He looks at him in this way that Taehyung can't pinpoint. It's as if those warm depths of his irises are trying to say a hundred things all at once. "That one was real." What's real? That's what Taehyung wants to ask, but he doesn't get the chance. "My point is, I'm a fucking fraud and I wanted to marry Chae 'cause I knew I couldn't marry anyone else."

"No, Jeongguk---"

"You think any woman would want me as more than a quick fuck if she saw all that shit?" he mutters. "It's difficult enough that you see, let alone someone I can actually be with." Taehyung's mouth runs dry. "Chae knows me. She would've been fine with everything, except I just couldn't keep it in my pants and decided to fuck around. I almost exposed us both. It was my fault. That's why I broke it off. Not even she deserves to put up with it. Must be tiring."

It isn't, Taehyung wants to say, but it's not his place.

Was the struggle not worth the love you received in return?

Not always, no.

He remains quiet instead, because another thought resurfaces, a memory of something so, so distant now, he'd believe it a dream had he not had a conversation about it with the very person sitting next to him right now.

Why won't you fuck me when that's the only thing we're good for?

Jeongguk's not the only one who thinks he's not worthy. It's not just him, is the thing. He's been told that by his father, by his manager, by that section of so-called fans who stalk and accuse and hurt.

His father wants him to be the son he thinks he deserves, wants him to be worthy of taking control of one of the biggest entertainment companies in the world. His mother isn't much better. Kim Namjoon wants him to be strong and tough, so he can get what he deserves by forming a hard outer shell, never letting anyone or anything in. His fans want him to be young and handsome forever, to be cute enough for them to call him a baby, sexy enough for them to swoon over him, they want him to perform forever, when that's what he's been doing all his life.

It's a performance.

He's been convinced of his own lack of purpose by so many different people, within and without his inner circle. By Taehyung himself.

Taehyung called him all sorts of things, unprofessional, irresponsible, cruel, only to turn around and blackmail him into a collaboration by promising not to out him to the world and his fiancée for being queer. He then went behind his back and outed him, anyway. He told him nothing would ever happen between them, then went right ahead and pursued him still.

What does Taehyung want from him? He couldn't say. Not now, not yet.

"It isn't tiring," he says finally, staring at Jeongguk's knuckles. His hands are a little shaky. "I'm not her. I can never be her, but I can speak from my own experience. It's scary, I can't say it isn't, because it's always all or nothing with you, is it not?" He brings himself to look him in the eye. "I just wish you'd come to me right away --- to me, to your friends, to anyone you trust --- instead of disappearing, waiting to see if we'd find you."

Jeongguk shakes his head, shame tinting his cheeks red. "That's not what I---"

"It is," Taehyung interrupts, just softly enough. "But it's alright. You're looking for reassurance, making sure we're here." He lowers his voice. "Your manager bent over backwards to help me reach you as soon as possible. He couldn't be here himself because I wouldn't let him, but he'd like to talk to you, if you'd give him a chance. Your best friend is waiting for us to come down, giving you the space you requested from him. He's checking departure times, since we're missing our ferry."

"And you?" Jeongguk asks, his voice soft. "Why'd you come here?"

Taehyung glances down at Jeongguk's hands, still restless, still picking at that one patch of bare ground. "I came here because I thought you wanted me to. Was I right to believe so?"

"Yes," Jeongguk whispers.

"In that case, make me a promise," Taehyung begins, reaching out to press his palm to the tops of Jeongguk's knuckles. His hands twitch beneath the touch, but he doesn't move away from it. He waits, breathless, for Taehyung to move first. "If you wanted me here, if you chose me, when things go wrong, can you promise to run towards me, not away?"

Sighing, he shakes his head. "I don't... I can try."

Jeongguk's hand is only slightly smaller than Taehyung's, fingers a little shorter, still thin and delicate. Faded black and purple ink on honey skin. Bruised knuckles, guitar scars, bleeding cuticles. Taehyung's hand on top, their fingers laced together. The hitch of Jeongguk's breath.

"That's perfect, darling," Taehyung says, sees the bob of his throat, the wetness in his eyes. "That's all I want you to do. It's good enough."

He opens his arms before Jeongguk even stumbles into them. It's a quiet, soft little thing, nothing like the rattling sobs against their shared pillow. Jeongguk's tears seep through the fabric of his shirt slowly, breaths small and hushed, and he clings to him like a lifeline. Like a secret.

They stay there for what feels like hours. No one interrupts them.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
not a huge fan of the majority of this chapter, but it's fine! glad some conversations have FINALLY taken place, i've been waiting for soooo long to finally be able to get some things out in the open, but it just feels flat. i might change stuff up when i rewrite this, who knows

pretty conversation heavy, as promised. mostly joon, which was probably unexpected, but it was about damn time honestly! this man owed us all some answers and we finally got them. hope his actions make more sense now. he still sucks tho <3

jeongguk my love. he's Going Through It™ rn. i know it may feel random that the namkook backstory is here, but it's genuinely extremely relevant, especially considering jk's situation, because his relationship with namjoon entirely relies on trust and respect, and it's hanging by a thread. we needed tae to know the context

tae can't fix jk. the role of a (future) partner isn't to cure a mental illness with the power of love. he can't do it. it's not his job to do it. what he can do, is provide comfort and support, in their current case still also a distraction, so the person feels hopeful and motivated enough to keep fighting. that's how i see it. that's how it'll be in this book

so no, tae didn't go and magically make namkook make up. jk was hopeful about it before the museum fight, joon had made an attempt to sort things out. tae serves for YOU guys to get some insight into the situation and for a fresh perspective for jk and namjoon both. he sees them the way jimin can't, since jimin is a friend who's been there all along, and tae is relatively new. we (you) still don't know how jk and namjoon's relationship will go from now on, but tae's just there to offer more insight.

i also want to clarify that i'm an army myself, jungkook biased at that, and that i by NO means hate other fans. whenever i criticise fans in the book, it's that group of people who have insane standards for their idols, who genuinely obsess over them or stalk them, disrespect their privacy, start hating them the second something goes wrong. i'm aware, and so are my characters, that the majority of a fandom is full of genuinely kind, loving people, but that part isn't that the story is about, and it's not always enough for someone to endure the other half.

if there's any confusion regarding anything you've read, please let me know. this is a chapter that addresses major plot points and is supposed to clear up most of them, so if something doesn't make sense, i'm here to explain it!! hoping to hear your thoughts and predictions, as always, and i hope you enjoyed this. expect another update pretty soon, i'll try to write more regularly<33

take care of yourselves<3