145: Rafe

I called my mom and told her we were okay. I spoke to my dad. I called President Call and told him we were okay. I called Kell Stevak and asked him what I should do.

"Young man, you are doing it." Kell said gravely. "You are taking care of things. Let your manager, or whatever she is, handle the insurance claims and the transportation issues, let her handle the cancellations if there are any. And you take care of those who belong to you. And know this, Rafe, you are not alone. That's the biggest comfort I can give you. You are not alone."

I wasn't exactly looking for those kinds of assurances. But Kell had been one who took charge, a manager type talent. I knew I looked up to him. And he said the right things.

I called Aubrey back. She was sobbing. "Baby what is it? I'm coming there soon." I started walking out to the lobby again right then as if to prove it.

"Carlos just died." She managed and then sobbed hysterically. I thought about the deaths she'd seen, the people she'd tried to save, and the stoic and professional way she'd handled it all. I needed to be with her. I needed her now.

"I'm on my way, baby."

"You have to go to the venue. Jeff and I are heading there in a taxi. Oh, Rafe, your guitar got burnt up!"

"Nah, my guitar is in my room, baby." I assured her as I went to the desk and asked the manager of the hotel for a van to take me and some of the others to the venue. A van had already been arranged.

We had a hard time getting inside the venue parking area. The place was already crowded, and people were everywhere. For some reason, I kept blinking back tears, for some reason, my heart was beating too fast, and I kept seeing popping fireworks. I felt like this might be a bad idea.

Until the other cab pulled up and Jeff got out with crutches. Ben and I were to him in a flash, hugging him, holding him and saying crazy things I can't even remember.

And then Aubrey was there.

She wasn't changed. She wore her shorts, her t-shirt with the blood stains on it, her knees were scraped, her arms were covered in white cement dust and her face was pale, her hair straggling around her shoulders. She saw me... and crumpled.

I am not sure how I made it to her. I recall stumbling, and reaching out, and finally clasping her slim form to my chest, my hand buried in the back of her hair as I sought solace in her shivering figure.

"Aubrey, I can't believe this happened to us. I can't believe it. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" It was a stupid thing to say, but I was rambling. I still felt shaky and sick inside. I kept having these images in my head of the gun in my hand.

She choked and sniffed, hands running over my back and arms frantically. "Rafe."

I stroked her hair, kept her close to me. Someone suggested we go inside, before we were mobbed. The reference to being mobbed was poignant. We made it up the stairs and into the cooler interior of the dressing rooms set aside for us. The main sitting room was covered with flowers, food and drinks.

Aubrey collapsed on the couch and curled on her side, burying her face in the cushion, she grabbed a loose pillow and put it over her head, clamping it down over her ears.

I sat beside her, close, but not into her. I gently rested my hand on her side and every now and then clutched her shirt. My body felt like an empty fallen log that termites were systematically pillaging. My breath sounded like the air brakes on a semi-truck going down a long hot hill.

"Ben, will you tell Holli to get Aubrey new clothes?" he nodded, blinked and sidled to the door that had recently closed behind us.

"You want water?" Levi asked too normally. I nodded and he tossed me a bottled water.

"Baby you want water?" She shook her head, but did not look up or uncover her face.

"Are you sure we're up for this?" Jeremy asked, his face pale, his hair matted on one side due to a slight cut from falling debris. I knew we all looked awful.

Jeremy was the worst looking, his clothes were torn, blood on his head and above his eye, smeared. His expression was tense and anxious. He now stood against the door, as if holding it closed. Levi sat on one of the plush chairs, his jeans torn, his eyes haunted, his palms drumming on his knees, he didn't look at anyone, but he was agitated. I let my eyes slide to Mutt's. He was staring at me enigmatically, wondering what was next. He wanted to block out the images in his mind as much as I did. I could read that expression clearly. His eyes were deliberately concealing, the brows lowered, his hands shoved deep in his pockets as he leaned against the bathroom door. He had a cut on his arm that Aubrey must have bandaged, as it was held in place by a piece of a shirt.

My gaze wandered to Jeff, standing there on his crutches, his leg bent, his face pained.

"You can't play tonight."

He sniffed and wiped his hand under his nose. "You can't keep me off that stage. If you go, Rafe, I go."

There was a knock on the door and Aiden was there, fresh, clean, dressed like security. He stood back while two roadies brought in our instruments, and even set up Levi's drum pad, handing him his sticks. Another guy came in, head lowered and eyes avoiding ours. I stood up quickly.

Aiden assessed the situation. "You guys have about an hour till the sound check, maybe another half an hour after that till the show starts. Conger has agreed to open, and do an extra two songs. That'll give you another half an hour. I arranged not to have the film crew in your faces, although I couldn't get them to postpone. I fired Holli."

My hands had been dropped at my side, and now they were on my thighs. My brows rose. "You fired Holli." It wasn't a question.

He shrugged. "I thought it prudent that she head home with the others who wanted to leave. There were only a few, but Holli was the most vocal—stridently vocal—against --- well--- against everything. She is one damn negative bitch."

Every single expression in the room, except Aubrey's flashed in incredulous awe. And just like that, everyone burst into gut wrenching laughter.

"Who is gonna be stage manager in her---- ." Laughter, more tense release of laughter.

"You have that Allen, the laid back, kind of dumpy guy? He's more efficient than all of us. Getter done guy. Behind the scenes, guy."

"Perfect." I sat back down next to Aubrey, and I saw Aiden's eyes travel to her huddled figure.

"You dealing with that?" He jerked his head softly.

"I am." I said, though I had no idea what to do right now except leave her alone, and be here for her.

Aiden indicated the extra guy who had come in. "This is Alvaro Bartoli, a trained grief counselor. He is here to work with you. I highly recommend you do the initial group therapy before you go on tonight. It is a scientific fact that grief managed within the first six hours of the incident can forestall PTSD majorly. I actually insist that you do this. As a group..."

"I need a shower." Ben announced swinging his head back and forth slowly.

"We all do."

"I need to make a set list. I need your input." I replied. One by one they nodded.

Aubrey sat up, brushing her hair back, looking around, her eyes red-rimmed and tear stained. "I want to sing tonight."

"You can." I assured her, but she looked rather frantic. "What do you want to sing?"

She took a deep breath. "I want to sing Hole in the World by the Eagles."

I heard everyone sigh.

"Not sure I can get through that one." I shook my head, knowing it to be a grief stricken song written the day the Twin Towers came down in New York City in '01.

"I can sing it by myself."

"The whole thing is harmonies." Ben said. "I'll sing it with you."

"I also want to sing with you Rafe, a duet. See you Again, by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth. I'll play piano. You will have to do the rap. I can't do it."

Then she stood up, her knees gave out and as she sank back down every guy in the room stepped forward to help her up, but she waved us all--- all--- off. She labored dizzily to her feet, smoothed back her hair and motioned for me to join her in the bathroom. She slammedt the door behind us.

I felt myself still trembling inside, not on the outside, but on the inside. Aubrey's mascara had smeared on her cheeks, her hair was matted, she went to the shower room, and took off her filthy shirt, dropping it on the floor. I followed her, standing solemnly in the arched doorway, confused, not knowing what she wanted...

However, knowing what I wanted.

Aubrey leaned into the walk in shower and turned the hot water on. She came back to me and stood there looking up into my eyes, hers filled with tears again, and then she ran her palms up over my shoulders divesting me of my yellow and white torn plaid cement riddled shirt. I let my hands dangle at my sides, standing straight and tall now. I realized instantly what she was doing. The shock she was in was making her crazy.

"I'm not going to finish the tour." She said, her voice shaking violently as she walked back into the shower and checked the hot water with her hand.

"Okay."

"I don't want to stay in this country past next Monday. I'll go home with Zack."

"No, baby, we'll go home together." I took one step and put myself in her line of sight, in her comfort zone. "Aubrey..."

Her trembling was violent, and I thought she might be about to faint. She held up one hand. Then she slipped her other hand down, and stepped out of her shorts, standing there in her bra and underwear, I took off my blood spattered t-shirt and torn shorts. I'd heard that seeking forgetfulness in sex was sometimes appealing to people under trying circumstances. It reminded them they were alive--- it also released endorphins that made them forget what they'd seen--- even for a few minutes.

Then we were in each other's arms, kissing violently, harshly, with all the pent up horror of what we'd seen and been through. We stumbled back into the hot water, braced against the wall, and then not, her hands were clutching all over my back, pressing, pulling, crying.

I cupped her face in my palms. I wanted to take her now, against the wall, in the shower, on the floor, whatever it took to possess her completely. Everything in me willed me to do it, and-----

As violent as I felt, as overwhelming as it was....

I couldn't. I started moving my hands to her shoulders, holding her back. Her assault was ferocious, and difficult to avoid.

Her knee bent around mine, her bra slipped up, her breasts against my bare chest were stunning and hot. Her hair was wet and tangled, and it felt like the wild jungles--- animal instinct was taking over. I could feel her heat, smell the primal sweat, and taste the coppery storm of tenuous sanity. And her hands were someplace they shouldn't be.

"Baby, no." I had to grab her fingers and keep them off me. I squeezed tightly, and she forced her lips back to mine, pushing hard against my teeth.

"Rafe!"

"No, Aubrey, no. This isn't what you want."

"I need you."

Oh, to hear those words.... Shit!

"Aubrey, baby, I need you too, but not like this." I used moves I hadn't for months, immobilized her hands, flipped her back to my front and hunched over her as she doubled into herself crying.

"Oh, Rafe! Rafe. Jake's dead. I couldn't save him! I watched him die. Like Angelee, like Angelee.... Oh God, I can't go on. I can't. Too many dead. I can't do this!"

She gave up trying to support herself. My hands were slippery, but hers were worse. I heard Ben's voice at the door announcing new clothes for Aubrey, and I called to him.

"I need help here."

And Ben was there, "Shit, did she pass out?"

"I don't think so, just really, really--- in pain." Ben awkwardly supported her with his jeans covered knee and both arms. I reached behind me to turn off the water. I didn't care what he saw, just knew I needed to get her out of the water and into clean dry clothes. She was muttering things, her hair completely covering her face, her chest and some of her waist, straight out like this it was very long. Ben turned her to face me, and wrapped us both in towels. She plastered herself to me and I lifted her against myself. "Thanks man. We'll be out in a minute."

"Take your time." Ben said. "Aubrey, we're all here for you. We all love you so much."

She didn't answer, and I knew if she was cognizant of her appearance, she had to be mortified. I sat on the outer bench of the spa area and slid her beside me.

"It's okay." I crooned, not knowing what else to do. I felt like crying again too. I kept seeing Jake's face, Carlos', Tim's, Gomez's, Ariana's.

"I'm sorry." She mumbled jerking away and then slipping back as if unable to completely take care of her own needs.

"Please, Aubrey, it's okay. You're gonna be okay. We got you some clean dry clothes. Here." I scooted to one side.

She wrapped herself in another towel. "I don't know what I'm doing. I just need you."

"Pretty powerful stuff." I told her. "The need to just crawl out of your own skin and into someone else's for a while."

"Yes." She leaned against me. "Thanks for being you. 'Cause it seems I am not me." Her fake smile was tremulous, her eyes tortured, her hair pouring water all over us. "I can shower by myself now."

"You sure?"

"Yes. I want to use soap. Can you just leave the clean clothes on the counter?"

I got up, wrapped a towel around my middle, and exited. I heard the water running again and just leaned against the counter, drained and aroused and overwhelmed. Her break down triggered my own. I staggered to the wall and leaned heavily against it breathing shallowly. Before my eyes, a constant slide show of images kept repeating. The sight of my bullets knocking the bad guys who were shooting at us on their asses. I think today I killed a man.

Maybe more than one. I know Trevino hit more than one. I felt that terrible ache in my stomach, terrible desire to get it out.

The water went off and I waited till she came out wrapped in two towels. She gave me a weak smile and a soft kiss as she passed me going in to shower after her.

When I came out, she was opening packages of brand new makeup, and using a brand new brush to detangle her hair. Ben knocked on the door and came in before we could say anything. He eyed Aubrey now fully dressed in a blue striped skirt, and black and red embroidered peasant blouse.

"You want to come out and have that meeting when you're done?"

Aubrey turned from the counter. "No. I want you to tell Aiden we need oil. And I want--- I want Rafe to give me a blessing. And--- I want you and Jeff in the circle."

Ben just stood there. I was shocked. I hadn't thought of a blessing, but perhaps we all needed blessings. But me--- give it?

"You want to wait till your dad gets here?" I suggested.

She turned bright blue eyes fringed in clumped and wet lashes on me. "No." Her eyes were steady on mine. "But I will if you don't want to do it."

"I'll do it." Ben said. "We should all have one. I'll get Aiden."

It wasn't but five minutes before we were all crowding into the dressing part of the dressing room. Aiden did have consecrated oil as Aubrey had thought. He softly asked me if I knew what I was doing, and when I told him I did not, he took us three men aside and explained about the blessings, and how to give them, and what to expect, and then he prayed for us.

I felt this incredible calm come over us. "Tell Jeremy, Mutt and Levi to come in here."

Ben opened the outer door and invited the others into the smaller cramped space. Aiden explained to them, and then got a chair and Aubrey sat in it.

"I have faith, Rafe." She said, but her eyes were full of tears. "But I can't get through tonight alone and be strong."

I sniffed and wiped my eyes. She might have faith, but did I?

I laid my hands on her head softly. Aiden placed his hands over mine and then took them off. The oil came first. I just stood there. I closed my eyes and saw again the terrible scene of battle. It had been war out there. I had been fighting to save the lives of my family--- these guys were my family. I hadn't hesitated. I would do it again. I silently began to pray.

Father. Not in my wildest dreams would I ever have thought we'd have to go through something like this. It's horrendous, its debilitating, its beyond corrupt. This isn't our life. We aren't supposed to be inside these things. Please take the images away. I give them to you. I know you can handle it. And bless the lives of all who are fighting these terrible battles. But this isn't our life, and it wasn't our battle. Terrible atrocities were committed, but I need to be free of them. I did what I had to. Don't take away my ability to love because of somebody else's hate.

We all stood there waiting while I prayed silently, and finally I sighed and opened my eyes.

Aiden administered the oil and blessed Aubrey with healing. Then I sealed the blessing, the words coming easily and fluidly, and from the Spirit. When no further words were there, I closed in Jesus name, and simply stepped back. No eye was dry.

"May I have a blessing?" Jeremy broke the silence. I nodded.

"But I'm next. Ben would you?" He wiped his eyes, shaking. "Ask Him to take the shaking away too."

Ben chuckled softly, and Aubrey went and stood next to Levi and Jeremy, holding their hands.

One by one we took the chair and blessed each other, taking turns being the mouthpiece of the Lord, and saying words that came not of self, but from Him. We finished the blessings with Aiden, and then offered yet another prayer of gratitude as our hearts were so full, and this time I asked Aubrey to give the prayer.

When we left the room we were solidified into one very close unit. Our counselor was standing there waiting for us, and nobody felt like we needed him at the moment, but Aiden decided that after the concert, we should still have a time set aside to talk to him.

I wasn't shaking anymore. My eyes sought Aubrey's and I went to her, standing by Jeremy talking quietly. She wrapped her arm around my waist and nodded at something Jeremy said. Then she looked up at me. The new makeup had already smeared and she'd wiped it under her eyes, making a darker circle than she'd had, but it didn't look bad. She held her crazy hair back with one hand.

"Can I have her for another minute?" I asked Jeremy, who grinned in acceptance. I pinned her against the wall, out of the way, while the others ate and drank a little something and spoke really quietly. Fortunately the dignitaries and press that would have been back here were noticeably absent.

"Are you better?" Her voice still shook slightly.

"Yeah, noticeably better. I feel functional." I kissed her upturned lips gently. "Baby, those songs you want to sing. We need to go over them. I need to program the words into the teleprompter, I don't know them real well. You want them at the end? Or do you want an intermediate thing, maybe in the middle, slow it down, sing Fall into the Ocean too?"

"Yeah. In the middle." She said after thinking it through. "That'd be fine. If you don't know them, I can sing alone. Not the rap, but I can just read the words."

"No, I know the rap for See You Again." I kissed her softly. "You sure you're okay?"

"You gave me a blessing, Rafe, and said I'd be okay. I am. I told you I have faith."

"So, if you have faith, it doesn't matter if I have faith, it's just the words that you need?"

She looked up at me with those big blue trusting eyes. "I have faith, and the blessing is predicated upon my faith. You were the mouthpiece of the Lord, you stood in His place as if He were here himself to comfort and heal me. It helps of course, if you are confident in your own faith, but until you are, we can rely on the fact that you had enough faith to honor my request and to not shy away from the use of your priesthood."

She swallowed painfully over her tears. I hugged her close, feeling once again like Superman, but now I changed it to the hero I revered more than Superman. Alma the Younger. I decided he was my hero, and that's who she made me feel like.

Aiden came in. "You guys need to run over the extra cover songs once before the sound check now's the time."

We went to the larger area, got our instruments and someone pulled up the words on our tablets. Aubrey went to the keyboards and Mutt took his guitar. And we sang first, flawlessly:

It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again
(Hey)

We were all about to cry again. Aubrey could barely finish. I wanted to be strong, be professional for them, but this was almost more than I could handle. And then---

There was a quiet knock. Oh, man, was it time already?

The door opened and a head peeked inside, preceded by long very curly tawny gold hair, and a slender ring bedecked hand.

"Can you use some assistance?" Came a very melodic voice and Tracy McCaffrey Mann pushed the door open further.

Everyone stood. With a gasp and her hand covering her mouth to keep her tears in check for another three seconds, Aubrey got up and ran to her mother, to be enfolded in motherly arms, kissed by motherly lips, and murmured to in that motherly voice that only mothers can do. Everyone was wiping their eyes.

Tracy's eyes were so blue they looked like jewels. She was easily one of the prettiest older women I'd ever seen, and she was dressed to shine tonight. "Boys, I just had this thought on the way here tonight. It's just going to be too hard for you all to keep it up. So rather than get out there and feel overwhelmed and go down in history as the band that walked out of the biggest venue in Mexico, how about I bring my back up band, and when things get rough, we'll just step up. It'll still be your performance, we'll still do your songs, but someone will be there to take up the slack if you need a minute and there isn't one. My crew is setting up as we speak. Conger just finished and King Ruff is going on with just the two songs." She held Aubrey back from her, and looked into her eyes, cupping her cheeks. "Aiden tells me you plan to sing Hole in the World? How about I sing it with you? How about anybody who wants to just come on up and sing with us, and we will be the Eagles tonight?"

Tracy looked up at me. She waggled her fingers behind her, and a little girl ran in with a big black purse. "Sit down, love." She said to me gently. Aubrey had picked the little one up.

And then Tracy McCaffrey Mann proceeded to do my makeup. I'm not kidding. She had hair gel which she used liberally to smooth my hair into this way cool do--- and she cleaned up the red splotchiness, and used something else to take the tears out of my eyes. She kissed my cheek professionally, but I have to admit, my heart was racing out of control.

When we went on stage--- we all went on together.

*******