******086:

I had about fifty-six messages in my phone inbox and I started reading them on the way home. Most were condolences from our crew, the band members, and church friends and family. Two were from Roger confirming the new arrangements for the tour, to be leaving now on a plane for Arizona in three days. One was from the funeral home--- received as we drove home--- delineating the funeral date and time, two days from now, at one in the afternoon. There was to be a viewing tomorrow night, and Chris demanded that I be there. But not my wife.

I deleted the message. I'd pay for it. And I'd give Lance my love--- all my love. That's it.

Aubrey had fallen asleep as we drove. I was beyond exhausted too.

I had real worries that she was too stressed out. There were dark circles under her eyes. She needed bedrest, not more stair climbing.

We arrived home. Fortunately, we lived in a gated community where paparazzi couldn't easily get in. I helped Aubrey out and we went inside---- and greeted our three children who were eating a late afternoon snack with Grandma Tracy.

It was another hour before we fell into our bed, the TV on and Felicity between us, Rein crawling around on the floor and Virgil downstairs now with Flinn, Frazier, and Angie. Tracy had had to take off.

Aubrey was asleep almost instantly--- wearing a long t-shirt and maternity shorts after having taken a hot shower. Felicity was surrounded by My Little Pony things and was watching My Little Pony annoyingly, till I got her head phones. But then Rein started crying, he wanted the Pony too--- and since it was one of his first words, I had to get him headphones so I didn't rip the TV off the wall.

My mind was weary.

My body was exhausted.

And I randomly thought over my mother's death. I thanked God for the special time I'd had to grieve in her hospital room before her death. I'd played my guitar which was a comfort to both of us, and I'd spoken and sang to her words of love and encouragement, and I'd made my peace. God was good. He'd been aware of my needs and hers. Thank God.

I was even more aware of my connection to God right now. Having just sealed my children to us in a temple, where the spirit was so strong, and our family had been there to witness--- all who could--- which meant her family and my best friends. Dad had not been able to come.

I was hurt and dismayed by my dad's attitude. He should know how hard this was on all of us. He should be the one making these arrangements. Just because their divorce was final, he'd still been her closest companion for most of her life, and all of mine. He had to be grieving in a different way. Maybe a worse way. If I was shocked at her recent behavior and felt guilty about the things I'd said to her--- maybe he felt even worse.

I leaned over the side of the bed, and called him.

He picked up on the second ring. That was a good sign.

"Hey Dad."

"Rafe, how are you, son?"

"I'm doing okay, under the circumstances. How are you holding up?"

"I have nothing to hold up, I'm fine. It's you kids." He stopped and choked back whatever he'd been about to say.

"Dad, I know this must be hard on you as well."

He didn't answer--- and I instinctively knew he was trying not to cry, or was already crying.

"I was with her, dad. You know that already, but I didn't leave her."

"No, she left us." He cried bitterly. "She did that to herself, after all we'd been through!"

"People do crazy things when they are hurting. She was hurting, Dad."

"I know. It's my fault. I divorced her, I found someone else. I'm happy, and she's dead."

"She just couldn't cope with her own choices. It's hard when you deliberately seek to destroy other people, it ultimately destroys you. I guess we know that, don't we?"

"Oh, Rafe! I shouldn't have left her. I knew she was unstable. I knew it, but she was so awful, so bitter. It was getting so hard to live with. The things she said.... How could she be so terrible?"

My heart really did bleed for the pain he was in, knowing my mom had been bitter and angry since Daniel died, and so cruel to my dad for many, many loveless years. I couldn't begrudge him his choices to divorce her and get on with his life. I regretted the timing of it all immensely.

"I don't blame you, Dad. I don't. You have to know that."

"Thanks, Rafe, that means a lot. When is the funeral? I'll try and make it."

"Day after tomorrow, but Dad, I'm not committed to going myself, so call before you make that decision."

"Why wouldn't you go? What else has happened?"

"Oh, Chris just needs some more time to process. She's taken up where mom left off at the moment. If it wasn't for Lance and the church and my covenants, I'd not even consider going, or being around Chris ever again."

I could hear his hesitation and his concern. He was a broken man at the moment. I didn't want to burden him with details anymore.

I heard him swallow. "I'll call you tomorrow. You get some rest. I appreciate your call."

"I love you, dad."

"I love you too, son."

****#xx