******082:

Rafe

"I feel---- sick." Fallon slid his piercing blue eyes to the side and blinked at me. He was rarely serious, and I figured he would make some ridiculous comment, teasing me out of feeling sick, but he just blinked which was in and of itself just as bothering.

"It's Cassie's girl--- Giselle." Fallon said helpfully.

"I got that from the prayer." I said.

"There's only five more."

"There's too many."

Fallon scrunched his nose, his arms folded over his sculpted chest covered in white shirt and suit jacket so casually as if he wore that every day--- and maybe he did--- I didn't see him every day. He looked as comfortable as every other male in the room.

My eyes slid to the left where Virgil was standing in his little suit, with his arms folded too. He had not joined the crowd at the window overlooking the baptismal font, kneeling there reverently to get the best view of their cousin with her dad--- getting baptized.

Aubrey sat on a padded chair beside him. The other two--- still dressed in church best--- knelt carefully, intently, watching.

Matthew began the prayer. There were about sixty bowed heads in the room. I wasn't one of them. I looked up and around. Kell wasn't being reverent either. He stared back at me.

It made me feel guilty and I wanted to close my eyes, but they just wouldn't close. I said Amen as little Giselle got dunked.

Fallon nodded and left my side. I think he had one getting baptized today too.

The church is true.

The ordinances are meaningful and necessary. I knew this. I felt it with every breath I took.

I looked down again as Marshall brought Frazier down into the water.

Then when he dunked him and everybody closed their eyes I looked up again.

I looked straight at Jeff and Justine. They were cuddled close, arm in arm. I felt weird. Like the world was spinning, things were happening, and I was just standing there. It wasn't the same as being befuddled, or waiting for life to catch up with me. I'd had those moments, this was distinctly different.

This had to do with all the life events taking place in such a short space.

I wondered about the veracity of having so many events at the same time. Maybe it would have been nice to have them each have a special time, one at a time. Then I thought of heading to different parts of the country, and taking the time to attend each baptism, and each baby blessing and knew it wasn't possible. It couldn't be done. And all the siblings weren't here, all the kids weren't here, but those who could be were. One day out of the year. Got a lot of it done and everybody got to support them. It was better this way.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and Mutt was there. He jerked his head at me, and indicated that I was needed out in the hall. I tip toed out with him, making as little noise as I could.

We got in the hall and I noted he was not dressed in church clothes, so he wasn't here to attend our sealing, or anything.

"Listen bud." Mutt was shaking, and I could see he was deeply troubled. I grabbed his arm.

"What is it?"

"I hate to do this to you on your sealing day and all. I really hate to be the one to bring bad news, but ----."

My eyes hardened perceptibly. Somebody had died. If it was Lance I would probably pass out. I felt light headed.

"Spit it out. Is it Lance?" I gritted, ready.

Mutt shook his head. "Lance and your dad are with your mom. I kinda want to get back for him, but we've had a falling out. I don't know if I should be there."

"Be freaking where, Mutt?"

"Your mom. They found her this morning while you guys were in the temple. I'm sorry it's your birthday too. This really sucks. Your mom--- she overdosed. They're not sure she's going to make it."

I leaned into the wall, feeling the great weight of another family death. My family was so f-ed up. Seriously. F-ed up.

"Can you get Aubrey?"

"Yeah." He disappeared into the cultural hall and I leaned heavily, my head in my hands.

She came right out, her eyes concerned. "What is it?"

"Mom's in the hospital. She's pretty bad. We have to go."

Her eyes darted back and forth from Mutt to me, trying to take it in. "What happened?"

"Looks like she OD'ed."

"On what?" That was the doctor speaking.

"Meth---- probably. Not sure. She was in ICU when I left to come get you. Figured your phones were off." He twisted his hands, and looked really pathetically not like himself.

I felt light headed again. I reached for Aubrey and she was biting her lips, her eyes far away, then she pulled her phone out of her purse, and held it up. "May I please speak with Rush Andrews?"

I couldn't hear the response, but Aubrey said her professional name and then listened, her eyes closed, shutting me out right then as she concentrated.

"Rush, it's Aubrey. I need you..... woman---- mid-fifties, early sixties, meth overdose--- yeah, at----." Her eyes snapped up to Mutt's. "Where is she?"

"Cedar Sinai."

"She's at Cedar Sinai. How long till you can get there? Are you at your office? Research? Great. Ten minutes? We're closer to an hour out. Maybe less. Meet you there. Yes, her name is Janice Stryker."

She clicked off and then re-clicked. "Mom---- Rafe's mother is in the hospital, we have to leave. Will you keep the kids?"

She clicked off again and then closed her eyes--- she looked like she was praying. Then she held the phone back to her ear. "Dr. Bristol? Thanks. Thanks. Yes, it's an emergency. David? It's Aubrey. I have an emergency---- Rafe's mother is at Cedar--- meth overdose, Rush is on his way. Thanks. Janice Stryker. Yes. Thanks."

She opened her eyes and looked at me, and she wasn't my Aubrey--- she was Doctor Mann and I'd not completely met her before. I tried to take her hand and she pushed me away as her lips moved--- again like she was praying, but I had the feeling she was doing something else.

She dialed a third time. I held my breath, not even realizing I was doing it.

"This is Dr. Aubrey Mann, may I please speak with Doctor Collins? It's an emergency. She's with a patient? Have her call me. Aubrey Mann."

She clicked off.

"Aubrey."

"Shhhh. Let me think. Toxicology.... Toxicology."

She looked at her phone again and then pressed a button. "Cass? Aubrey. Yes, Hi, good to hear your voice as well. Thank you, yes, doing well, thank you. How far are you from Cedar? I need a team ASAP, Rafe's mother OD'ed. I've got Rush and David, and a call in to Anita. Zack? Yes, I know him. Anyone else? Thanks, Cass."

She pulled her phone back and looked at it. "This is Aubrey."

It was on speaker. "Aubrey? Rush. It doesn't look good. We don't know what she took. She's got a team already, but I am here anyway, ready---- they thought it was meth--- but I'm looking at her charts, and it would have to be meth and something else. She seems to have kidney failure, hyperthermia, she's in and out of consciousness, and she's seizing."

I felt weak in the knees again. God--- no, don't let her die, please don't let her die.

I turned and looked out the door.

Aubrey clicked off. She popped her lips and stared at the doors to the cultural hall. Then she looked at her watch. "It's three."

I looked at my watch. Yes. It was exactly three.

"They can't do much at the moment. IV fluids, activated charcoal, a laxative, get it through her system as fast as possible. If it was meth. What made you think it was meth?"

"Lance said it." Mutt volunteered.

"Did he think anything else?" She started dialing Lance. He must have picked up instantly. "Hi, baby boy." She said and I realized they were a lot closer than I'd ever thought. "Listen, what made you think it was meth? Did a doctor say that or did you see it?"

"I didn't find her, I don't know who found her, they called the ambulance and took off. I just met them here at the hospital." He was crying. "They've lost her twice. I don't think she's going to make it."

"We're on our way."

"I was on my way to be with you guys at the temple, or at least afterward. Gees, Aubrey, what the hell?"

"I know, Lance, I know. Stay there. Are you with her?"

"We're outside."

"Is Chris there?"

"She's coming. I'm with Dad. He's a mess. He's a mess."

"Hang on, Lance, we're on our way." Aubrey started walking out the heavy glass doors. I held them open for her, not looking back. Mutt's car was there, but we decided to take our own until we realized the car seats were in ours. We got in Mutt's Humvee.

Cedar Sinai was about an hour away, and the freeways were getting crowded. We didn't talk on the way there, listening to Aubrey on the phone, doing the doctor thing. Her voice could get in places no one else could.

I grabbed her hand as we parked, and she took a deep breath. "Let's pray, okay? Now? Then you and your dad can give her a blessing. Okay?" I nodded, unable to speak--- and then suddenly fully capable. I prayed for my mother's life--- that it be spared, so we could make up, so she could see her grandchildren, and come back to church. Then we raced inside

We met Ben and Antonia inside rounding a corner, followed by Levi, and then Jeff and Justine, who had got the call from Jeremy. They hadn't all stayed for the baptisms and the baby blessings. Jeremy and Abbie were already on their plane and headed out of the country. I put on my business face. Aidan and Keeva were discreetly behind and I saw Kodey and Boyd keeping people with cameras far back.

Ben gave me a hug. "It's going to be okay." He said softly and I shook my head.

"I never thought she'd do something like this."

"I'm sure it was an accident." Ben said reassuringly. "I think you can get in and give her a blessing."

I saw my Dad and Lance and Chris come out of a room ahead of us. There were double doors between me and them. Dad was holding Chris. Not just anyone could enter the ICU. In fact, we were stopped right there, at an alcove like sitting area. My vision narrowed in on them, and I shook off Ben's hand on my shoulder, pulling Aubrey along.

Two or three doctors and a few others who looked like plain clothes doctors or something were coming down the hallway.

I could hear Chris screaming. Oh God......

I didn't want to face this. I turned to get away from her. I didn't want to know.

Aubrey the doctor was talking. "Hi, Rush, yes, tell me."

A man's voice cut through my conscious litany. "She's still seizing, but they've got some toxicology. I'm going back with the lab tech right now to check it out. We should know for sure in a few minutes. Her vitals are all over the place, looks like meth."

"Hi, Aubrey." A woman hugged her. "Good to see you. Good to see you Mr. Stryker, Rafe. We'll get your mom fixed up as soon as possible." And then she disappeared.

"Who?"

Aubrey squeezed my hand and moved me out of the way as the doors opened and Chris came through yelling obscenities at my dad.

I couldn't completely make out the words she was saying, except---- she was yelling something about the temple.

I grabbed her arm and swung her around, and the last thing I saw before I felt her ringing slap against my face was her piercing mad eyes flashing in stinging reprisal.

"You killed her! You betrayed us! You betrayed Daniel!" Then she broke down sobbing against Lance who looked up at me with tortured eyes. Mutt backed into the wall, his head in his hands.

"What's going on?" I yelled.

"You killed my mother!" Chris screamed, looking out of her spidery fingers.

"I didn't kill her! What are you talking about?"

"Dad asked for a temple divorce. He had the damn church send her a letter saying he didn't want to be married to her anymore. It killed her! That and your stupid wedding! To that filthy bitch! That filthy traitorous betraying hypocrite!"

I shook hard. "Is my mother dead? Lance, can somebody tell me, did she die?"

The doctor Aubrey had called Rush looked up from his paperwork. "No, Rafe, she's not dead, but she very well might be, very soon. She took enough drugs to wake the dead that's for sure."

"She's not dead!"

Chris looked up, "But she's going to be. It's all your fault."

"I didn't force the f-ing drugs down her f-ing throat, you stupid b—tch." I shook her and she hit me again. I grabbed her as I once had Aubrey, subduing her against me, bending over her back as she tried to kick me. "Chris--- Christy, stop it. Let's get through this together. Stop it, stop blaming anybody and be strong. Mom needs you to be strong. She doesn't need you to fall apart." I crooned in her ear and she broke down sobbing as I'd known she would.

Lance's eyes were tortured, he turned and looked at Mutt and then away. Aubrey went to him, and carefully hugged him, to the side of course, her tummy got in the way of anything else.

Rush Andrews left without a word as another doctor came through the doors, nodded to us and then hurried on, a couple of nurses with trays of medical things headed the other way, back toward our mother.

"Dad." I said calmly now. "I'd like to give her a blessing. Do you think that's possible?"

Dad shook his head. "She's in and out, not completely lucid, Rafe, but she definitely did not want a blessing."

I stared at them all one by one, hard. My mother blamed the church for many of the disappointing and sorrowful things in her life. Perhaps it was true that she would not allow a blessing. I drew in my breath sharply and went to the couch, feeling my tired legs weakened.

"This was supposed to be a good day." I mumbled, thinking that it would be this horrible memory day now--- if I let it.

If she died.

She couldn't die.

And once before a young woman with faith, had faced a hard situation--- not wanting to ruin one of the best days of our life---she'd offered a prayer---- against my wishes, when nothing else would make a difference. I looked over at her comforting my brother, and Ben standing close.

"Can I go in there?"

My dad looked sorrowful. "They asked us to leave."

I turned to Aubrey just as she turned to me.

"Yes, you can go in there. Just you. But you can't give her a blessing against her wishes."

"How?"

She jerked her head and I got up quickly. Out of her bag,  Aubrey pulled her medical ID necklaces and her doctor's lapel pin. Everyone stared at her incredulously. Then she took my hand and pulled me through the closed doors of the ICU.

*****