******064:

I took Virgil up to the speech therapist once a day. We'd had to hire a Spanish speaking therapist, his speech was noticeably lacking. Sitting in a room with nothing and nobody but his three year old brother had not helped his communication skills. We had Felicity take English lessons in a regular pre-school class also on Rosewood campus, and Rein met with the therapist twice a week and went to preschool with Felicity. I could homeschool them, but I thought the association with other kids might help their language skills improve.

Our schedule was just as rigid here as it had started to be down at the beach house. We woke early, and Rafe and I swam, then we had our yoga together--- he went off to work and me and the kids did yoga and swimming after breakfast. Then we had morning devotional with Dad—who came back for a break--- and then we all went up to school and he went back to work. And his work was usually in the studio here at Rosewood, but occasionally he took off for So Cal with any number of band members and my mom and dad and whoever else from Rosewood went south.

After lunch, we had quiet time, and Abbie took over. I did online consults, and research for a few hours. It was a nice break. Sometimes I napped with Rein. Late afternoon Rafe came home and we all went exploring--- up to the park for a short hike or something just to get out of there. Rafe and the guys liked to snowshoe as well as ski, but this year Mom had asked that I not ski. So Rafe took Virgil and Felicity. I took pictures. In the evenings we did family taekwondo.

The kids seemed to be resolved to their new home and family. They were wary of each other. Virgil was very protective of Rein, and extended that to include Felicity, as long as it wasn't Felicity he was having to defend Rein from, then they went to war. Because Felicity was pretty protective of Rein as well. They were also competitive--- in a subtly aggressive type of way that I didn't like. It had to do with understanding language and customs, and they challenged each other different from normal little kids.

This was my concern.

Another concern was the growing attraction between Abbie and Jeremy. I tended to wake around three a.m. and feel sick, and need a snack. Inevitably they'd be in there. Sometimes they'd come out and have a half a Nutella and banana sandwich with me, and other times they didn't even know I was there.

I don't know why this was such a concern. Except that, I worried that Hannah would think I had fostered it somehow. I hadn't told anyone else--- as promised.

I was down at the studio again another day a week later--- and saw that the tension between Axis and Victorine Alissa was huge. They were tossing ribald remarks back and forth weirdly--- and I had an interview with one of my prospective "other" girls so I leaned over and told Parker I thought Victorine and her gals should go home.

"Thankyou, God!" Parker exclaimed out loud. "From my prayers to your lips."

I was astonished. This was the first I'd heard that Parker wasn't satisfied with Victorine Alissa. Rowanne had already vacated.

"Is it bad?"

"A week of hell." He leaned forward on the intercom, interrupted their song jamming--- and basically said, "Hey, gals, it's been great getting to know you these last couple of weeks, and I'm sure Axis will get back to you about touring etc. But we've got all the recordings we need for this album, and such a deadline--- whew, so we won't need your services anymore. I've got a plane leaving for Utah in an hour, why don't you guys be on it?" And he clicked off and swiveled his seat to the back, resting his face in his hands, yanking on his hair.

I watched the astounded reactions in the sound room, and cataloged the expressions from Rafe's exasperated relief to Jeff's tenuous disbelief.

Victorine threw her hands up in the air and papers went flying. My brows rose. Mutt and Lance had been drumming on two separate drum sets and they stopped and looked up. "Great!" Lance said. "I'm going home."

"Me too." Mutt agreed and they pocketed their sticks.

"I didn't say you guys could go." Parker swiveled around in alarm.

Mutt gave him the finger good-naturedly. "Had enough, pretty boy." And he slammed out of the room.

That bad, huh? I tried to catch Rafe's eye, but he was politely grabbing Chyma's hands and telling her and Victorine thank you for all their hard work.

I glanced back at Parker who was turning off his keyboards. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, great. Sure." He said distractedly. Then shook his head, "No, no, I'm not. I think we need to go back to Cali--- I think the guys can whip this out in like a week, and Rafe is distracted with his TV commitments, and the guys need a break before touring. Levi and Ben are so horny it's like being in a room full of testosterone---- I've got to get out of here. This hasn't been all that healthy. No more matchmaking."

"I---."

"No you did, you were matchmaking and it worked. And I'm super glad for Jeff--- it worked for him, but these diva princesses were not easy to work with. Your guys deserve better."

I looked up as yelling broke out in the sound room. In strident tones, Victorine was screeching at Rafe as he tried vainly to keep her hands in his so she couldn't rip Jeff's eyes out. Her claws were shining black and purple as it stood. In real anxiety, I hurried into the sound room.

"No way!" Victorine screamed, her eyes flooding with tears. "This can't be happening! No! You're in my band! You idiot! You're breaking up my band!"

I'm not one to jump to conclusions, so I didn't go in there demanding an explanation, but in seconds I had discerned that Jeff had just proposed to Justine, and she'd said yes. They were in each other's arms and totally kissing like they were starved for each other.

Jeremy's eyes were glued to that little tableau and then he slowly dragged his gaze over to mine and gave me a thumbs up. Victorine saw it, and I feared for my life in that instant. Her claws came my way, and this time Rafe subdued her completely, and Parker called security.

Gees! Really?

"You did this! You invited us here! You said they needed our talents! You said you were looking for good LDS girls to help out with the image change!"

"Well, that's where it all went downhill, Vick, she said she was looking for good LDS girls." Ben said in real regret.

"What does that mean? Are you dissing on the way I live my religion?"

He stared at her. "You're gorgeous, but you're the biggest nagging ditz I've ever met. It's not the way you live your religion, you just haven't grown up." He collected his jacket, gave me a hard look and then walked out of the room.

I stood back for him to exit, feeling awful, and more awful as the moments went by. Nobody else actually looked at me, except Rafe who was holding a crying Victorine from behind. Security arrived and escorted Victorine past me---- she managed a really annoyed grimace.

I waved.

Rafe doubled over and rested his palms on his knees, breathing hard.

"You okay, bro?" Levi patted him on the back, as I just stood there feeling really, really insecure, and exposed and frankly---- frightened. I wasn't their darling in that moment, even Rafe's.

He straightened. "Yeah, just glad somebody had the guts to pull the plug." He looked over at Jeff and Justine. "Hey, you guys, there's a supply closet down the hall on the right."

Jeff flashed him the bird, and he laughed, and reached for my hand. I didn't give it.

"I screwed up, didn't I?"

"Ah, no baby, what's two weeks if Jeff found his bride to be? It was worth it, but yeah, we don't produce this way. I think your brother went mad trying to accommodate those little witches. Victorine and Chyma were the hidden secret divas from the underworld."

Levi grabbed his jacket. "I'm going for dinner, you guys want to join me?"

"I—I have an interview." I told them backing up, feeling terribly overextended. I felt like I was betraying them, and wanted to go tell Antonia whatever to just go home.

Rafe sighed, blowing out his breath hard. "Baby--- be really careful. I told you before...."

"I know." I snapped, feeling pissed at myself, more than I cared to admit.

He looked up at me wearily, and I knew his emotional status needed better from me. "I'll just be a few minutes."

He nodded acceptance. "I'm going back up to the house. I know Macy's got dinner for us. Come back up to the house, bro." Levi nodded swinging his hair.

I recalled that all these guys, not even a year ago, had been fairly wild rockers, with terrible moral reputations, and the classiest "I don't care" attitudes in the business.

I walked slowly down the hall to Zack's offices. I'd already arranged for their use. They had an inner office, an outer waiting area, and a secretary. I said hello to the secretary who smiled and unlocked the inner door for me. There were three gals sitting in the waiting area, and I tried to recall if they were all girls I'd arranged. I thought not.

"I'll just be a minute." I said and closed the door behind me.

I felt the tears--- this time feeling sorry for myself—and irritated that I'd messed up by inviting Victorine and her band here. They hadn't worked out really--- except for Jeff and Justine. I hadn't even congratulated them--- that was stupid.

I pulled up my loose fitting outer shirt and wiped my eyes and then retrieved a tissue from the wall shelf and blew my nose. There was a bathroom in here, and I turned on the light, realizing as soon as I looked at myself that I didn't look like I could possibly be Rafe Stryker's wife, and definitely not a doctor of anything. I looked like a bedraggled mom--- seriously. I started crying again.

I heard voices outside and shut the bathroom door thinking that Zack must have come back for something. I thought he'd left for Utah with Kell who had been up doing something at the school. I sniffed and tried to staunch the flow of water from my eyes when I recognized Rafe's voice.

"Yeah, come on in, this isn't normally my job, interviewing tour help, but you've got a resume there? Thanks."

I heard the soft murmurs of a female voice and shook my head in small negating jerks. He'd read my mind? He'd anticipated my reactions? He had to bail me out?

I heard him asking about her experience touring with other bands, her uses of different guitars, and amplifiers, different brands, and what she might use each on, he asked a lot of questions about his own discography, asking pointed questions about what she would do on each song on tour, if he were to play or sing them.

Questions I would never have thought to ask. I felt this overwhelming ownership of my stupidity. This was a world class sing to the masses band who had worked their way to the top of their industry---- one of their songs a few years ago had sold 14 million copies in a week, and was one of the biggest selling songs of all time. What was I thinking?

I knew nothing--- nothing about hiring a sound technician.

I felt really, really stupid.

I had made a huge and very arrogant and very un-humble controlling, know it all-ish mistake. Who did I think I was? I had no place in that room with those people--- Rafe and---- Antonia, Oh. My. I'm an idiot.

And he--- tired and frustrated as he is--- is out there picking up the pieces of my erroring judgement, graciously, kindly. This girl probably wasn't even the kind of sound tech they needed, not that they needed a sound tech at all--- they probably already had their own. Gees--- and he was right---- it wasn't his job to hire one. He hired people to hire people for him.

There was a lag in the conversation and I had no idea what was going on, until finally Rafe sighed and I peeked out the door a crack to see his tired eyes crinkle in a gentle smile. "My wife has a few questions that are out of the ordinary and very unprofessional to ask you. They won't affect your eligibility. If you consent to answer them though we'd both be gratified."

Antonia was dark haired, she wasn't especially big, she wore jeans and a blouse, her hair was tied up in a ponytail, and she had decent makeup. Rafe motioned to the door where he knew I was peeking.

I almost couldn't stand the thought of facing them looking like mom-zilla.

And then I realized that Rafe had had to do this--- for me.

For me.

I was hiding in the bathroom like beyond mom-zilla. I was ashamed.

I forced my leaden foot to push the door open, squeezing my tissues behind my back and sat quickly in the chair across the room from them. Rafe got up and indicated that I should take his seat. His eyes were enigmatic and interested.

He nodded to me. "Antonia, this is my wife, Aubrey Mann."

I couldn't look at her, but I looked up at him, and his face was very---- confident, encouraging, approving---- gees, approving?

I cleared my throat. "So--- my thoughts aren't exactly ---."

"Ethical." Rafe finished, still smiling patiently. He had crossed his arms over his chest, and even though he was wearing a long sleeved knit shirt, he'd pushed up the sleeves and I could see his tattoos. I stared longer than necessary.

I took a deep breath and opened my mouth. Nothing came out. Everything I thought I could say sounded trite and prying. And there was no getting around it---- I'd been playing matchmaker.

"Let's be very honest." Rafe said again so patiently, and my eyes snapped up to his. He was talking to me. "We've never had any trouble being honest before."

I shook my head in minute little jerks, like a forced shiver. "I am looking for an LDS girl in the music industry...." I began.

Her eyebrows rose like Spock, one quirked higher.

"I'm looking for a girl who knows the entertainment field, who is active in church and has all the standards---- keeps all the standards, but who understands music."

My eyes on hers faltered. I looked up at the picture of the temple--- the Mount Timpanogos Temple in Utah where Zack and Lyndi were married years ago. He kept a temple picture in his office? He was really just announcing to the world where his priorities lay. Anyone who came in here would know....

Yes.

Anyone who came in here.

I was in here.

Antonia was in here.

She knew, too.

I wasn't shocking her or surprising her.

"You want this girl--- you did say girl--- right? You want not just a sound tech--- because Axis already has a really good sound tech crew--- and I've talked to them, since they are all acquaintances of mine—and none of them are leaving, so---."

"We're hoping you would get to know us." Rafe followed that up easily. "It's a win-win situation. Working with us will give your resume a huge boost, and letting us get to know you will help us keep our newly found LDS standards. We need your strength, Antonia, how does that sound? Is that a fair exchange?"

"You're LDS?" She blurted.

Rafe smiled tolerantly. "Hard to believe, isn't it? I'm a little unorthodox--- still." He glanced over at me and Oh. My. Goodness. I thought of the closet and blushed to my roots.

Which--- was what he wanted.

"So, you're what-- newly baptized? What about your band? What about Ben? He's always been pretty wild, and Jeff has been downright anti----. Are you sure?" She did follow Axis, she knew the guys, she knew the sound crew.

"No--- Ben, Jeff, Troy and me, were all raised in the church, but we left it when fame and fortune came calling, we followed the world. And now we are getting back to our fundamental beginnings. However, our music--- there is still plenty of rock in the live show, and right now the music we're working on goes deep into this electro-pop sort of territory. It's gutsy and different, and needs a person fresh and willing to explore, and be flexible."

She was nodding. This was language she understood. Rafe leaned against Zack's desk and thrust his hip into it for balance.

"You don't have to like me, Antonia, I'm a hard guy to root for, you know? I've been and done and continue to be and do--- crazy stuff---."

"Oh, no!" She protested. "I do like you!"

"Well, that's good to know, since you don't even know me. But I can see we're going to get to be good friends. Here's the deal, I'm very defiant. I do the things that make me happy. I want to live the life I want and I am not going to feel guilty about it. I've always acknowledged my ambition. My wife here---- she's ambitious too, in a different sort of way." He left it at that, and for that, I was immensely grateful.

"So---- I'd like to offer you a job. I want you to stay for the next couple of weeks and work with Parker Mann who is producing most of our current project. We'll see how it works out. If you like it, and it feels like a fit for you, then we'll ask you to come to Cali with us."

"Rafe----." I broke in.

He turned to me. His brows rose. Wasn't this what I'd wanted?

Yes, but---- "Om--- Mutt left. I think even Parker said we were heading to Cali now, rather than later. I think we're done here."

His eyes clouded. "Yeah." He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"We have a studio near our home in Southern California. Rafe has been producing there himself." I explained. Her eyes brightened.

"Yeah, it would be good to go home." He finally said. "But I've gotten used to the convenience of Rosewood. This place is magical. It has it all. I really like the pool." He turned to her. "They've got this damn near Olympic size pool..." He glanced at me and I shook my head. "Darn near."

She smiled tolerantly.

He twirled his finger in the air. "We built a place here after we got married, and I like the design better than my house in LA now, although I love LA, I also love getting up and walking to work on a dirt trail a half a mile long and seeing deer and... stuff."

He pushed off the desk and held out his hand. Antonia shook it firmly, and I could see her pale cheeks pinken with celebrity awe.

"I think we're probably leaving tomorrow." I said, feeling more like myself. Even though I was nauseated and shaky inside from the emotional outburst of a few moments before. "Take a few minutes and think about the job. If you want to try it out----."

Rafe nodded. "Stay tonight at our place, and then come to LA tomorrow with us. On me."

Antonia had stood and was nodding in acceptance. She'd come here for a job--- she had one. It apparently started now. Rafe held the door for her. "We'll be out in a minute." He shut the door behind her.

Then he turned and looked at me. "She's a real nice gal, and competent. I hope she takes the job."

"I'm sorry." I said quickly. "Thanks for bailing me out."

He grinned. "Nah, baby, it was a good idea. I get where you're going with this."

"I'm an idiot. Even I know you can't force love. I am shocked that Jeff and Justine hit it off enough to get married, and at the same time, I am scared to death that he's rebounding after his divorce, and this is all wrong."

He pulled me up and wrapped me in his arms. "That's definitely a concern." He whispered as he tucked my face against his neck. "But it's not your concern."

My shoulders slumped and I sagged against him, feeling embarrassed by my matchmaking once again, and now embarrassed that I couldn't seem to control my tears. Rafe simply stood there and stroked my head. Over and over he soothed me as I cried. Like there was nothing else he'd rather do. And I knew him to be a very caring and loving--- and impatient person. He went on smoothing my hair. He didn't croon, or say anything else. He just molded me to him, and smoothed my hair.

My arms wrapped around him. I felt the warmth coming from him, and also the love and acceptance. He knew how I felt, and he was right about my efforts. He wasn't judging. He wasn't upset.

My tears leaked out, and my shoulders shook with sobbing. It was a little over reacted for sure.

But I am hormonal.

And I am misplaced, and out of sorts, and I don't know---- I feel crazy inside.

I try to live this life.

But it feels foreign.

And I want Rafe---- I love him and want to be married to him. He is everything I love.

But just like I had the thought that last year at this time the guys were completely different people, I had the thought that last year at this time I could never have dreamed what my life would be like this year. I'd changed so much--- career---

And that said more than you know.

In my mind, you just don't go from where I was.... Being a doctor, being in practice, being able to save people's lives, being in a rather sterile environment, being free to work--- and take care of myself---

To being this--- a mom, a wife. A member of an elite entertainment field group.

Rafe's hand unerringly slid to my stomach. There was a funny little baby bump there where it shouldn't have been yet. But there were four babies in there. Four, count them, four.

Count them----

Four.

Four.

Four.

I sobbed. Not brokenly---- just sobbed in release.

He stroked my hair again, kissed my forehead, stroked my head.

"You are beautiful to me. The desire you have to help my guys find suitable wives is noble, Aubrey. You really put some thought into it and came up with really wonderful gals. I commend you." His voice was low, lower than he normally spoke--- with his rather trademark tones--- by knowing his singing voice, you could catch his speaking voice as well. But this was a vulnerable tone, something reserved for honest moments, things just between us.

"We have a crazy family, don't we?" He snort-laughed and I finally backed up and wiped my eyes. Just standing there, against his heart, feeling him--- knowing he was there for me--- knowing we were two together--- it helped.

"We have a gigantic family." I amended.

"I love that you care for my guys as much as I do. Before I met you I think you know--- I always said I was married to the band. They have always been a central focus in my life. I love that you want what's best for them."

"I care about each one of them." I mumbled and turned to see if I had left anything in Zack's office. I hadn't brought anything in here.

"Let's just take a couple of days and relax, okay? We haven't done that in like a month. It's always go, go, go!"

"But that's who we are--- go-go-go!"

"Nah--- we need some down time too. That's who we are." His hand on the small of my back was super comforting. I opened the door and was startled into speechlessness. The outer office was dimmed, the secretary and the other two gals had left. And through the glass I could see Ben leaning against the wall, talking to Antonia. Ben---- leaning against the wall, relaxed, talking to Antonia.

I glanced up at Rafe who was also taking in that vista. Then I felt him shrug. There's a song on a Broadway musical called Fiddler on the Roof--- a very famous song, I'm sure you know it---- Rafe started humming it.

*******