054:

Rafe made that funny noise in his throat--- the one that reminded me of eating--- like he was eating--- me. I smiled at the memory, coming to myself as I felt the erotic beat of our hearts. This is it---- this is how people lose all their inhibitions and become completely lost in each other. This is what it means.... This.... I need this.....

He sighed this huge cumbersome, satisfied gurgling sigh.

"That is unprecedented." He managed, rearranging our swimming suits and shuddering once again, sheltering me from prying eyes, glancing around. No one was near us, we'd gone out further than others, and there were no surfers.

His gaze locked on mine. "Thank you."

I snorted. "No, thank you."

"I totally lost it there." We swam a ways, glancing at the shore where Abbie and the kids were still playing.

"Me too."

He grunted and then laughed outright. "That came on pretty suddenly."

I went under and smoothed my hair back, catching my breath, steadying myself.

"Aubrey."

His eyes bored into mine. They were dark and deep, hungry, wishful, hopeful.... All those things. Mostly I felt his sincerity. The most astounding form of genuine love and gratitude for our continued connection. I felt my own deep amazement that this feeling could be mine.

"Forever." I swallowed, barely able to speak.

He gently pressed me to him again, standing now, back in control. He smoothed back his hair and then touched mine.

"Do you want to swim the island tour with us? It isn't really very long, about two thousand feet is all. The lifeguard said it is mostly rocks and fish, not a lot of coral, he showed me where to go for some healthy coral...." And now he indicated a place further south. I shaded my eyes with my hand and then nodded. "Just you and me could go on that one. If you're up for it."

"I am." I said with a smile, feeling that after climax closeness with him. Gees--- I shuddered.

He caught the shiver and grinned crazily. He was feeling it too.

We trudged out of the water and sat down on our beach mats near the kids, talking to Aidan and Keeva who were asking our plans. Aidan's eyes were trained on our surroundings, but Keeva looked at me speculatively, and with my recent coital experience clouding my thoughts and reddening my face, I had to break eye contact with her. Aidan decided he would be the one to come with us. We declined his offer, and then acquiesced, as it was obvious he wasn't going to be deterred.

Virgil was solemn, practicing in his mind the things he'd been taught. He wasn't ever going to be a normal child, I thought. His experiences had schooled him in completely opposite normal child things. His tanned skin rose above his skinny little trunks, and his feet were awkward in the sand. But he took Rafe's hand as we set out down the beach to the entrance to the tour.

One entered the underwater trail on the left side of the island just after the point. There were placards, mainly covered with algae, that had been cleared recently, but were also crowded with seaweed. We all had donned our fins, and Rafe was going over snorkel breathing and the positioning of the mask once more.

He was patient.

He had that going for him. He thought he had left over vestiges of his ADHD personality, and maybe he did, occasionally, but if kept busy, both of us also had patience for the kids. Teaching wasn't such a big deal, with such a receptive learner either. We started out.

The water was clear, warm, with gusts of cooling deeper spouts. Virgil wore his life vest, the flippers and the snorkel and mask. I followed him shallowly, with Aidan behind me. The water was clear, a lot of light in the beginning, and easy to spot things even farther away. I had my camera--- an underwater one I'd bought just for this purpose after finding out that Rafe enjoyed both scuba and snorkeling. But teaching his son to swim and snorkel in the same trip was extraordinary. Although we'd been teaching all the kids to swim as soon as we got them. One did not live on the beach and not learn to swim.

We saw a large school of crevalle jacks, swimming fast, and getting out of our way. They were kind of yellowish, or clear, silver, like the water. Not impressive, and not very friendly. The snappers, a little bigger and further out, would be friendly and want to be fed. I'd brought fish food.

Rafe took us a little ways and then let us tread water, or stand. He showed Virgil how to dive, and how to hang onto him, and hold his breath when he dove, so that they could check out deeper things. I was surprised Virgil consented. He looked pale and worried beneath his tan, but his eyes held innate curiosity. I was glad Rafe was overcoming his natural inhibitions.

Rafe certainly had a way with that.

And he was experienced with snorkeling. More-so than I was. He adjusted Virgil's mask, talked to him carefully, and demonstrated. I watched also, mesmerized, learning. I loved that about us---- we learned from each other.

When I was little, I watched a cartoon movie with my older brother, Fallon, one time in the teen wing. It was this weird cartoon, about a music band that goes on a submarine and their adventures. There were weird sea creatures and undersea plants and animals. It was a type of animation I won't easily forget, because it wasn't even very good for the times it was done in--- it was slow and strange, and artsy--- on purpose.

Fallon was fascinated with it. So fascinated, he'd re-watch and watch certain parts over and over. He'd take notes even. That was Fallon. Destined to be a great jacket designer, and producer someday. He was artsy. This kind of avant-garde art appealed to him. It was rebellious, didn't follow the rules and was unique, unapologetic. All things Fallon admired.

I thought the cartoon was rather quaint, and somewhat stupid. I told him so, and he was typically cock-sure and made fun of me. He said it was classic, vintage, and I was close minded and uneducated.

He also said the music band that made it was considered one of the greatest bands of all time, and had sold more albums than any other band, and I should know them---- my grandfather's band had been right there with them. Had I never heard of the Beatles? Had I never heard of the ReedTones?

I might have been in eighth grade, and I was noticeably embarrassed.

I had not known--- not completely internalized anyway--- that my grandfather had been a great rock and roll star. I hated to admit it to Fallon who made fun of everything and everybody. So, I blew him off, got up and left, and never did admit that I didn't know Grandpa McCaffrey's band.

I certainly knew them now!

Wow, I digress!

Seeing the underwater world through my mask this way reminded me of that movie. I wondered if Rafe knew it. He probably did, and suddenly I wanted the kids to know it as well, and know that their Great-grandpa, their grandma, and their dad were all well-known and accomplished musicians and vocalists.

I humphed at myself.

One did not call rock stars musicians and vocalists. They were rock stars. Plain and simple.

But as I followed this rock star around the little dying or dead reef, with its non-descriptive plant life and its myriad of lackluster fishies—I wanted my kids to feel the connection.

It was a weird thing, to one day feel like I was babysitting somebody else's kids, and feel very little personal connection to them, and then suddenly the very next day feel so connected I wanted to make sure they knew the family legacy one hundred percent and felt linked and bonded.

I was the weird thing.

I had sex with my husband in the water in Trunk Bay.

Yes, I was the weird one.

The underwater world was not noiseless--- it teemed with gurgles and rushes--- like wind, and rain and sliding glass doors. It swayed unsteadily--- catching you in rolling hamster ball motions. I'd always loved the ocean--- but this ocean was truly tame.

I was used to my ocean--- the Pacific near my home. I was used to----

I felt a strange cramping in my left lower side and stopped swimming. Looking down, I could see we were in very shallow water, and nothing but sand and rocks below. I stood up, and when I put weight on my legs, my side exploded in pain.

I had to crouch, had to clutch it. It hurt bad enough to warrant those things. But not a gasp, and not tears. It was too startling, too fresh. It didn't immediately recede either.

My clinical mind explained it easily. I had had a cyst burst.

"Aubrey!" Aidan was to me rather quickly. "Did you see something?"

I shook my head, gritting my teeth.

"Aubrey!" He grabbed my shoulder and turned me slightly, which caused a dull pressure in my side and then a release of pain. I closed my eyes, and let myself breathe.

"Aubrey, we need to get you out of the water. Right now." Aidan said firmly and in command of the situation.

"What?" I ground out, still feeling unable to move.

Rafe had sensed that we were not close behind him. I opened my eyes, and saw him and Virgil turn back, going under and then coming up three feet away.

Aidan was urging me toward the shore, not far away.

"What's up?" Rafe's voice close by. "Are you hurt?" He settled Virgil on his feet and reached for me, and that's when we both gasped.

"Aubrey." He whispered low. "Are you on your period?"

I squeezed my eyes shut. Should I be embarrassed? I hadn't had a period since----

Oh----

It wasn't a period. Even I could see the brighter red blood. I did have to get out of the water right now. Even baby sharks and other predators would be attracted to this blood--- even a jellyfish, or a ----

I made it to the rocky promontory. There wasn't that much blood. But Rafe had shielded me from Aidan, taken off Virgil's swimming suit shirt--- we had him in it in case of sensitive skin and sunburn--- all our kids--- and it was kind of gross, but I used it clean up.

The pain was gone---

"It had to have been a cyst." I told him softly.

His eyes were pain wracked. "I did it?"

"No." I assured him.

"I was rough with you just now."

"I don't think that would cause it."

"You're about to tell me that this too is simply natural?" He blew out his breath. "Having a wife isn't natural."

I laughed. "Honestly! Did none of your girlfriends have periods? Any female issues?"

"If they did they kept them to themselves." He knelt beside me. "What can I do? I have my phone, I'll call for a helicopter and get you to the hospital."

"Are you serious? Stop it. I'm fine."

He squinted back at the mainland, it wasn't really that far. The water entrance to the trail had been sandy and walkable, maybe a slight swim if the waves warranted it.

"I'm worried about you. Are cysts normal in your family?"

"They aren't normal, but they are common, not in my family that I'm aware of, but as you saw with the miscarriage, I wasn't even aware of Cassie's pregnancy. Sometimes it isn't talked about."

I looked up into his eyes. He literally stared into mine as if trying to communicate without speaking---- he was so intense.

Aidan had taken Virgil a little ways away to show him something. This pebbly outcrop wasn't ideal for sitting and sunbathing. It would be better if I either went back and let them finish or we all went back.

"Why don't I go back and you and the guys finish?" I suggested, without a lot of hope. I knew without a doubt that I was Rafe's first priority.

"I feel-----." He blew out his breath, intently focused on me. I had the immediate reaction he'd hoped for. I feel was code for – I have prayed and I have an answer.

This--- I thought vaguely--- this is what I always wanted--- a husband close to the spirit. This is what I hoped for. And now that I had him--- yes, I was amazed and grateful, but I was also dismayed that his feelings might interfere in our vacation. Of course, I was the one who'd had a cyst burst.

"I feel fine." I said before he could finish, in case that info would change his feeling any.

He stood up and let the warm breeze dry his skin. My breath caught again--- as I hoped it always would--- as the sun and shadow played a brilliant dance on his delineated body--- all those indentations and ridges--- he was so built.

He looked down at me and snorted. He'd caught my perusal—however instantaneous it may have been.

"I feel---." My eyes slid out to Aidan in case Rafe was about to make a witty comment about my scrutiny. He didn't---- he liked it. He wanted me to look at him that way--- every time I looked at him. Even this time.

I shaded my eyes.

"I feel that you need to get back to shore and we need to go back to the ship and take a nap, and you need--- to take a pregnancy test."

That was startling. I smiled sweetly. "Honey, I had a cyst burst. It happens. It's okay. I might need a little nap today, but tomorrow we'll be back in business."

Rafe stared at me tenderly, a quirky smile playing just under the surface. He shrugged elaborately. "I guess you're the doctor. Science trumps the spirit every time, right Aubrey?" He extended his hand to me and I took it but did not pull myself up. I cocked my head and gave him a frank gaze.

"Don't overanalyze it." I snipped, annoyed.

He grunted a laugh and pulled me up.

"Aidan, Virgil! We're going to go back." He kept my hand firmly enclosed in his. I shaded my eyes. Virgil looked disappointed and concerned.

"What's wrong, Rafe?" He asked in English and came to Rafe's side, but didn't touch him.

I didn't want to push it, but I did want to reassure him. "Hey, it's going to be okay. This reef is too well traveled anyway, it's mostly dead coral. We'll find a better one, and you can keep practicing in the pool."

There was a drop of blood on my leg, and he noticed it instantly. His eyes shot to mine. "Are you going to die?"

"Die?" I laughed--- heart-stoppingly—painfully. "No, honey. No. I'm fine. Sometimes Moms have little bleeding things. I'm not hurt at all."

He stared at the blood before I wiped it off with his shirt. He looked dismayed and taken aback, but also trusted that if we did something then it was really going to be all right. I squatted, hoping that no more blood was forthcoming.

I pulled Virgil into my arms. He didn't resist, and his own arms actually rose to encompass my shoulders. He laid his cheek against my neck and I felt his sudden release of tension.

"Honey! What's wrong? I'm okay. Are you scared?" I whispered softly, all my concern on him.

"I don't want you to die."

"No, no, don't worry. I'm fine!" I was touched by his concern, and concerned by his reaction.

"But you had blood on you."

"But that doesn't mean I'm going to die. It's just a teeny tiny bit of blood, and it washed right off. No big deal. I'm fine!"

"Mom's die sometimes."

I bit my lips. "Sometimes they do, but I'm your mom and I'm not going to die."

He squeezed me tighter and burrowed his little face into my hair and shoulder, as I held him tightly. I rubbed his back as Rafe pressed his leg to mine for added support. I was grateful for his sensitivity.

"I want you to be my mom." Virgil said. "You're a good mom."

I felt an instant rush of tears. It was like this deep acknowledgment inside me--- as he literally became my first born son, my child, my little guy, my Virgil. In that instant, with those welcome words, and this silly little situation, on this glorious rocky strand of beach in the USVI, I felt it happen.

*****