*****051:

I got the call from Ben while still at sea, somewhere between islands. He was despondent, and wanted to have Christmas with us in Montana.

I leaned up on an elbow, ruffling my hair and pulling the blanket over Aubrey's shivering naked form. I looked at the clock--- four-forty-five. A.M.

"Yeah? Christmas?" I was not awake.

"Yeah. I really need you, man."

"Yeah, sure, if we go to Montana. I think we are planning to go to Montana. Pretty sure." Right now I wasn't even sure where Montana was. My eyes were too bleary to see the phone.

"Shellie says I am not worthy of her."

"What? Who is Shellie?"

"The LDS girl I've been dating. You met her. Don't play dumb. Wake up. I need you, Rafe."

I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I hung my head and ran a hand through messy hair. "Okay, I'm semi-awake."

"I need your advice."

"About what?"

"Shellie! Dammit, haven't you heard a thing I've said?"

"Don't cuss."

A string of foul language met my ears, and I held the phone away.

"Dude, you know Aubrey ears can hear you even half a planet away."

"Yeah, I know! I know. How did you get a good Mormon girl so easily? You're worse than me. I was never as promiscuous as you were, and I never did the kind of drugs and out there stuff you did."

"Hey, hush up. Those days are over, and frankly, dude, you were right there with me. But we--- you and me and Troy and Jeff--- we decided a year ago to clean up our lives and we have."

"What if it's all a crock? Shellie says it's a crock. She thinks we were too far gone, and we will revert. She says you are using Aubrey."

"Well, isn't she the know it all?"

"I care about her, Rafe!"

"Really?"

"I think I do."

"Sounds like she's a bit preachy."

"Or pessimistic." His voice was tortured. "You don't get it, do you?"

I sighed. "I think I probably do get it. You guys....you watched me in every aspect of courtship. You saw the fights, the making up, the compromise, the good and the bad--- and even I can look back on this year--- in fact, I was just remembering stuff today--- like where we were a year ago. I do feel for you, man. It's gotta be hard. We had this perfect courtship--- and Aubrey is way cool."

"Beyond cool, Rafe. I thought it was just because she's Mormon, but that turned out to be a myth, and now...." he blew out his breath harshly. "I still get what the church life offers, and I still believe it, and want it with all I am--- but----." He blew out his breath again. "This is hard. I haven't smoked, drank, partied or slept with anyone---- not even platonically like you guys did. It's literally killing me. I think the devil is playing with my head."

I drew in my own breath and held it longer than necessary. His words gave me a strange sense of fear and concern. Had becoming active in church drawn us back into the devil's line of sight? While we were out screwing everybody, and wasting ourselves--- I hadn't felt this kind of weird pressure. I couldn't pinpoint if it was just the lifestyle change--- for me that had been the greatest--- a wife, kids!---- or was it the inner change that was causing it?

"Ben, do you really think it's the devil?"

"I might. Yeah. I think that you---- and Axis have a role in society. I think that while we were promoting a certain lifestyle that keeps people from Jesus Christ---- keeps them self-involved--- then, yeah, he doesn't care what we do. We are taking ourselves down and others. But now that we have cleaned up our act, we have the potential to influence others for good. That's certainly not on his agenda."

I felt kind of sick, having Ben put words to my personal feelings.

"But we haven't gone public."

"Not officially, but---."

"Little stuff. Mostly to do with you marrying Aubrey Mann. Speculation."

I'd seen that too. I was still followed, I was still remarked upon. It was part of my life, but up until this moment I hadn't cared. I liked the attention. Now---.

"Look, man, if Shellie isn't the one, then just be patient. You will meet Mrs. Right soon. Don't give up, and don't listen to the adversary. You have to stay strong, and remember: Life's a test. This is part of the test."

I heard his heartfelt sigh. "So, when are you guys coming back? Should I just meet you in Montana? Is your place livable?"

"It's sound, and a roof over our heads, but we might be in sleeping bags." I laughed.

"Okay. I can live with that." It seemed like that would be enough.

"We'll be there the 23rd."

At least I hoped that was part of a plan. I wasn't really sure, to be honest. We'd been so busy. Ben sounded relieved--- as if going to Rosewood could take some of the confusion and pressure off him--- I felt my own insides remembering Rosewood, and feeling the same.

"Listen, bro, it's less than a week, you can hang on till then, and we'll get back to how it used to be. Okay? Just you and me, at four in the morning, jamming and writing songs. It'll be our best work."

"God, that sounds incredible. Yeah, let's do that. Nothing has been normal this whole year. We need to just get back to normal."

"And yeah, don't say God."

"I won't, I swear! I won't say God. I'm sorry. Seriously, I won't do it again."

"You don't have to apologize." I sighed and leaned back, Aubrey's eyes were open a slit. "Just be there for me, and I'll be there for you." It was a line we'd been telling each other since high school, a joke line, but always with this underlying seriousness. Ben repeated it, the relief in his voice a palpable thing. We clicked off and I set the phone on the nightstand and turned to wrap Aubrey in my arms, snuggling her into our front spooning position.

"Who was that?"

"Ben."

"What's up?"

"Shellie's not the one."

"They broke up?"

"She told him he's not worthy of her."

I felt her stiffen. Aubrey liked to believe that members of the church were all like the Apostles--- kind all the time, a complete lack of pride and prejudice. I hated to burst her bubble, but most of them were not. And all of them were just people, with varying degrees of testimony. None of them were as perfect as her. I snorted.

"What?"

"You think people should be perfect like you. News flash: they're not."

"I don't think I'm perfect!"

"Not in a prideful way." I agreed. "But I think you're perfect, and I know you hold others to your standards."

"Not all others, just you."

I tickled her till she squirmed in all the right places. All that softness rubbing sensually against me. Perfect.

"And I will live up to your expectations one of these days, but for now, you will have to accommodate my baser desires and let me have my way with you." I ran my hands up her back and molded her to me every inch.

Aubrey sighed in pleasure, as my lips dropped to her tender flesh. "Just so long as you keep working on it."

*****