*****050:

Bailey's Bushwacker's had the best smoothies and frozen drinks on the island, and I'd been there before. Finding it again was a challenge, since I was sober now, and not being led by an Elite Forum model. There were plenty around on the arms of other wealthy entrepreneurs. Abbie kept Virgil and Felicity close as I scanned the boardwalk for my place, and recalling a general direction, we made our way through the crowds-- and there were crowds.

I found the place and ordered us all the most exotic smoothies I could think of and we each tried them all, sitting at quaint outdoor tables with wicker and wire chairs and colorful umbrellas, we decided on our favorites. I felt restored to my natural good humor, and even though my throat was still scratchy, I washed it down with some kind of meat and veggie pastry that we all shared.

Our kids were not the type to ask for things, but vendors held toys and clothes and novelty items out to them anyway, hoping against hope we'd be the indulgent parents right before Christmas. We weren't. Aubrey had been deeply schooled in appropriate travel souvenirs, and pictures of the trip ranked right up there on the top of her list. Dust catchers did not.

I did not know Aubrey's itinerary this time, had been too wrapped up in my own performances and music to care. But now she declared it was time to catch a shuttle and I rallied the troops in gracious good humor.

Our next stop was not a beach as I'd thought, but a butterfly farm--- La Ferme Des Papillion's. I'd never in my life been to a butterfly farm and asked her if she had. It turned out that this was to be a new and shared experience for both of us. Not only that, but right before you arrived at the tiki embedded gates, workers were out in a local field picking raspberries. Aubrey eyed them circumspectly and then asked the bus driver if he knew the proprietor. He did, and then she asked if he would arrange for us to pick raspberries after we toured the butterfly farm. I will be honest--- I'd never worked in a field in my life and I'd never actually picked anything that grew in the ground. Never had a garden--- never even mowed my own lawn.

The path through the entrance was not crowded, and made of dirt. The stroller caught in crevices so I pushed Rein who was quietly sucking his bottle, and rubbing his blankie between two fingers. His eyes were not sleepy, though, but solemn as he took in the colorful sights above him. As it had earlier when thinking of Felicity, my heart swelled with joy that this little guy was now part of my internal mechanisms, and I was going to be his dad. He was truly adorable. For some reason, these random flights of energetic loving thoughts coupled with the continuing feeling that the kids weren't mine, really had me on edge. Not because my brain didn't tell me that the kids were mine and that this experience was real--- but because I felt something might be wrong with me.

So--- this is where the delight of a place actually astonished me and left me utterly unable to process anything else. Like your first trip to Disneyland, or your first big audience.

Aubrey had Felicity and they walked through the shady overhangs, with winding trees dipping precariously low and deeply cluttered with leaves and branches so that the hidden birds were a surprise to see. An owner slash tour guide joined us, pointing out the chrysalis of a giant Atlas Moth, and laughed with us as the swirl of wings indicated the friendly tree nymph. Rein actually laughed too. His smile was incredibly rewarding.

The farm was covered with a silver and black wire mesh to keep the birds and butterflies inside, but a tiki shack and other accouterments blocked the spacious arena from becoming tedious and controlled.

Felicity and Virgil got into it, as Rein demanded time out to toddle around, and Aubrey took my hand. I swallowed hard, looking at the iridescent Blue Morpho from the rain forests of South America, as she slid her shoulder under mine.

"I saw a hummingbird from Aruba." She mentioned as I cupped her side to me, and strolled slowly, watching the children discover the tiny winged creatures as they alternately fluttered by or landed nearby on flowers or other perches. Some were very small, and others were so huge as to be bigger than the birds housed here also. It was rather intimidating, coming from a place where butterflies were little orange and yellow flutteries--- nothing more. These monsters were meat eaters, totally the top of the chain in their respective genus.

Bright yellow chrysalis hung in a line from the underside of a low-hanging tree, and Aubrey stopped to stare. I felt her shudder.

"What? Not your thing?" I snorted, not picking her as a queasy about worms gal.

"No, no! I can't help but think how beautiful they are, all yellow and red and purple, look at that, Rafe, have you ever seen such incredible colors? I'm literally in awe."

I was in awe too. I was glad she was. So far my wife surprised me by being everything I hoped for in a woman, without ever having to make a list and check it twice.

I laced our sweaty fingers. It was sort of humid in here--- and even though they'd told us it was a steady 80 degrees year round--- and I'd explained what that meant to my inquisitive six-year-old--- I didn't believe it. Today felt oppressively hotter. I wouldn't be surprised if a storm was brewing.

I was exceptionally quiet--- likely due to the sore throat--- but also just the complete contentment of watching my new little family.

"Last year at this time...." I began.

She turned brightly curious eyes on mine, and I caught my breath with a short and startled smile. Sometimes her interest—her attentiveness--- I wasn't used to it.

"Where were you?"

"Partying---- New York. Played the Garden. Then seriously partied."

"The whole band?"

"Yeah." I sighed. I was a different person. But I owned that guy---- I knew his journey intimately.

"Even on Christmas? Did you celebrate with family?"

"Nah--- I'm married to the band, right? The band is my family."

She squeezed my side. "Um hm."

I snorted. "Really. Me and Troy and Ben, Jeff and Mutt--- we been together every holiday, every non-holiday. We prefer each other's company. I never could have predicted the year we had." I felt threatened by my own pain.

Aubrey stopped walking and took a deep breath. "How did Troy die?"

I shivered, dropping my arm from around her, and my fingers from hers. She put her hands on her slim hips and bit her lips.

"I thought I told you." I evaded, reliving the motorcycle daredevil stuff we'd indulged in--- too safe and secure in our recklessness.

"You told me you had started changing your life a year ago."

"I did. I started paying tithing, and I talked to my Bishop."

"Had Troy done so as well?"

I hung my head.

"Rhonda told me." She said quickly. "A car crash. Fatal."

I felt piercing pain lance through me, felt the moment of discovery whip a fierce and angry path from head to toe.

"I'm not ready to talk about it."

She didn't move. "It doesn't go away. The pain. You just learn to live with it."

I sucked in air and watched butterflies. The pain was unbearable, his face swam in my vision.

"You can talk about him with me. I would like to get to know him the way you remember him."

"He was a stupid alcoholic."

She bit her lips again and I watched carefully for signs of judging or revulsion. There were none.

"You don't have to hold it all in." She cocked her head to one side. "You don't have to be strong, be the man, never show your grief. Nobody is making you mindlessly follow the script society dictates that guys are tougher than girls, etcetera."

"If I give in to my grief, I'm afraid it might swallow me up."

She nodded. "Did you cry for him?"

"Yes. Buckets of tears."

"Have you gone to his resting place?"

"Yes, once."

"So, you're able to grieve at least the way it's expected. The way the angels want you to."

"Angels?"

"We all have angels and demons inside of us--- not literally, Rafe!--- but unconsciously, it's in our make-up, who we are-- and sometimes we need to let it all out--- the angel expectations and then the demon."

I nodded, feeling the terrible drowning recede. "I still need to let myself feel it, is what you're saying?"

"Feel something scary and not go running." She nodded again.

"You think I'm repressing it?"

Her brows lifted. "Probably."

I blew out my breath and started walking again, looking at different light green, smaller chrysalis.

Aubrey followed me, she wasn't judging--- just observing. I knew it as sure as I knew she was my wife--- and she loved me--- for me--- for who I am today and who I was in the past--- she's not afraid of me, the me inside, and she's not afraid to be swallowed up.

It was heady knowledge.

"A year ago." I said again. "I wasn't the guy you see now."

She laughed. "Tell me something I don't know."

I laughed, of course, she knew. I didn't have to explain myself.

"And I wasn't the girl you see today. I was self-centered, self-involved, totally into my own life, my own selfish style, my own aggrandizement---- you know--- being the best--- being a stand out, show off--- ."

"Whatever." I laughed. "Who's idea is that? You are and never have been any of those things."

She shrugged. "I can face it. You say you had started to change, well, the fact is that I did too."

"What?"

"Well, I had stopped looking for one thing. I had come to terms with being single--- I had become complacent and set in my ways. I know it now as sure as I know we were being prepared to meet each other, Rafe. His hand is in all things--- truly. I know that. If I had kept on the way I was, I wouldn't be a fit wife for anybody. I'd given up."

I was stunned. I was annoyed with her for finding fault with herself--- to me she was perfect!

And we'd had that conversation already, we didn't need to have it again, on the verge of my encounter with the adversary and our tiredness, and our recent developments. All three of them---- four if you included losing baby number one. Another deep breath pulled itself through my system. Face pain--- I thought. Face all pain--- it's all a part of the plan.

Aubrey was walking closer to where the kids were admiring a very large bright yellow and red chrysalis. As we watched the thing started to shake and shimmer, as if the wind were moving it. But there was no wind. Aubrey lifted Rein and showed him. I put my arm around her.

"This is us." I whispered. "Our relationship--- a new life being born."

She turned shining eyes on mine. "Lovely new life, lovely thought behind it. Butterflies are free to fly.... Fly away..." She sang the last and I cocked my head wondering where it came from.

"Elton John." She finally eased my confusion.

I nodded. "Someone saved my life tonight."

She smiled. "Who's the music aficionado, now?"

"I am." I laughed and put my best smiley face on, and enjoyed the rest of our outing.

******