******049:

I'd been to St. Thomas. I'd shopped, and danced, done the bars, the famous and the not so famous ones. But that wasn't the way Aubrey traveled.

Day 2: we're on a scenic tram ride to the top of Flag Hill to Paradise Point overlooking our ship at anchor in St. Thomas Harbor, and the town of Charlotte Amalie. I was having Deja Vu recalling the tram ride in Durango on tour. The heat then had been prohibitive, but the chance to be in each other's company--- the feelings elicited of trying to mesh our life experiences--- all of it came back in a rush.

I held Felicity on my side, jostling her as the tram climbed the eight tower hillside and swayed back and forth. Aubrey had Virgil's hand and was explaining things to him, while Abbie had Rein asleep in the stroller.

My eyes caught Aubrey's and she smiled.

"I never could have predicted the last time I was on a tram that in just six months I'd be on another tram with my wife and three kids!"

Her laugh rang out and the other eighteen passengers turned to smile at her tolerantly. Everything about Aubrey's infectious laugh drew people in. She really had that winning quality. My eyes turned more thoughtful and vigilant.

She wore a tight yellow form-fitting top with a bright and see through knit-ish cover up, open and hanging blousily. She had on khaki knee length shorts and sandals. Her hair was up on top of her head in an artful array of curls and straggles. Her skin was already flushed and rosy and she wore a minimal amount of makeup. She sensed my scrutiny and turned just her flashing bright blue eyes my direction and I felt my heart catch.

The contrast was stark at that moment. For no other girl had I ever still felt that heart catching early relationship fiery dart--- feeling--- after the first few dates. But every time--- every single time--- Aubrey caught my eye like this--- a certain way, when I was thinking about her--- I still felt it, as if I was just meeting her and wanted to make a good impression, wanted to entice her, encourage her, impress her. I knew when it happened that my chest automatically swelled. There was literally nothing like it. She still made me feel like Superman!

She blinked.

Her smile twitched--- seriously--- smoothly, barely.

I felt that inward tightening, the shiver of reaction.

Damn, the girl is into me!

She sidled slightly closer, and her bare leg rubbed against mine.

Whew...

Then she looked out over the bay--- at the four cruise ships docked and the two at anchor. The myriad of other smaller boats--- the beauty of the sparkling water, the greenery, the glitter of bright clean colorful shops an indication of over stimulated society---- I considered that her thoughts may have turned in secure interest to the spectacle--- until the awareness of her warmth invaded my side.

Awareness of Aubrey infiltrated, and then overwhelmed as it had before.

As it had all of our acquaintance.

Her eyes slid to mine and she turned just enough.

I felt the breath leave me.

What was it like to be so loved? This! This is what it was like.

To be out here, enjoying God's beautiful creations--- and our family--- and our associations--- and yet be completely in tune--- so that I knew no matter what--- all her inward thoughts, all her inward awareness, all her subliminal feelings were encircling mine.

Her fingers came up--- slid along my neck and cheek and then she closed her eyes and leaned forward, kissing me--- so that I could hardly breathe.

Aubrey's kisses could be simple and distracted--- I'd had a few of those—meant to let me know she kept me in her heart--- even when she was busy. But right now--- she wasn't busy, and she meant to remind me that we were in it together--- we were here and in the moment--- perfectly together. She didn't care who saw--- who watched, who took pictures.

The easy comparison snapped through my brain. No other girl I'd ever been with had given me of herself so completely. I had no reason to feel insecure--- I did--- sometimes I still did--- but I had no reason to feel it. She was that into me.

Her lips parted, slid gently--- far too emotionally charged for the place--- which made it erotic and exotic and energized. My brain was on high alert--- she was exquisitely giving me this moment--- out of time--- out of place--- perfect. I responded to her, opening myself--- completely--- wondering if this was the most perfectly bizarre moment--- is this it?

I'm open to her--- I'm with her--- she's in charge--- she's the boss of my heart and she owns me one hundred percent. I will follow her to the ends of the earth, to eternity--- to wherever she chooses, whenever she chooses.

I've never felt this before.

The kiss went on.

It deepened and then floated in shallow bays--- the air around us shimmered.

Her eyes opened as she dropped her fingers, and smiled this knowing, wonderful, peaceful smile. If telepathy were real--- I'd heard her voice in my head. I love you, I love you, you're mine forever and I will always love you and want you and need you and be this into you.

The tram docked with a swaying bump and several people gasped and laughed. Several eyes had been averted, but everybody on board wore smiles. For my part I felt dizzily dazzled and like I could fly--- lift whole buildings, swing from trees carrying my whole family--- yeah. Pretty sure I had that stupid smile on my face---- like a lemur.

"I like this." I whispered as we followed the crowd.

"Um." She squeezed my hand gently, and hooked her fingers in my belt loop.

"During the courtship, we needed to talk--- always. But now."

She nodded, a slow circular nod and her eyes were very round and light. "Now...."

Our kids were being excellent. They were quiet--- in awe--- unsure of their surroundings--- at least Virgil was. Felicity was used to travel, used to new sights. This was actually easier for her than staying at home. My eyes traveled over them all, counting, making sure they were all off the tram---

And then back to Aubrey's. I swallowed hard--- practically choking up.

She leaned in---- "What is it, lover? Guy PMS?"

I did choke--- but on a laugh. Yes, a full on laugh. I did feel extraordinary, though. Ready to fly and cry at the same time.

"Are you Rafe Stryker?" A female voice said behind me and we both turned to find a couple of middle-aged women, too tanned, and too plump, wearing too little. I smiled.

"I am he. How are you?" I'm generally very private, and usually not on public vacation like this. I saw Aidan gearing up to step in.

"Can we have a picture?" They were already flanking me, and getting out the selfie sticks. Aubrey had stepped back and now she reached for Felicity. I didn't relish the idea of unofficial pics of the kids online already.

One of the women stepped in front of her to intercept. Aubrey side stepped her, not realizing the woman had done it on purpose.

"It's okay, we can have your little girl in the picture, too."

I shook my head and pushed her out of the way to give Felicity to Aubrey. My wife's face was incredulous.

"We aren't having the kids photographed. I'm sure you understand." I said it too harshly, but in my defense, she'd been a little presumptuous. Now I posed, putting my arms around both older women and they were mollified, smiling like silly girls.

They thanked me and another younger couple stepped forward. I asked them if we could stop blocking the tram door, and moved to a spot on the railing that Aiden indicated. This couple was very grateful, and nice, and stayed and talked for a few minutes after the picture, wishing us a happy Christmas.

And then I was back in Aubrey land--- where my hands were held, and my hot wife was swinging her hips as we walked to the boardwalk at the top of the railing. There, pictures we'd taken at the bottom were displayed for purchase--- as all cruise ships and ports were constantly taking and selling pictures. Aubrey carried her phone camera, and she had no trouble asking Aidan or Keeva to snap group shots of our family. She also carried her digital 35mm.

I spoke to Virgil and Felicity in Spanish, telling them about the port, the town, and the tram, reading some stuff from the wall information plaques and just getting really basic for them. Felicity squirmed to get down, a doll in the souvenir shop had caught her eye, but Virgil was getting the hang of the fact that I was educating him--- and deep inside he must have sensed that he need educating. He remained solemn, and watchful.

There were trails at the top, and more shops and restaurants than one could feasibly sample in one day trip. But the island was gorgeous and balmy from up here, viewing the whitecaps and the watercraft out to sea. I pointed it all out and asked Virgil if he'd like to play at the beach, or ride a jet ski, or what? He had no idea.

I asked him to hold Felicity's hand and told him to walk and we'd follow him. He could choose where we toured. Then I held my wife's hand and laced our fingers.

"Is this what you pictured?"

"What? The trip?" She asked. "Is this what you pictured? You're the one that wanted to go on a trip!"

"And this is it! It's perfect!" I assured her.

"Are you sure?"

"Are you?" I tweaked her fingers. "You're missing the twelve days."

Her eyes snapped up to mine. "Who told you we were missing the twelve days?"

"Abbie, who else?" I laughed. "We can still go up to Montana when we get back."

Her face brightened perceptibly. We'd only briefly discussed what we might do for our first Christmas. Staying home--- having Ben over....? We hadn't made any concrete decisions. I had obligations directly afterward.

"Or we can stay home and just be ourselves." Aubrey smiled and shrugged. "I'm okay either way."

I knew she wanted to go to Montana, and frankly, so did I. I was beginning to love it there, and love her amazing fun family.

"We've got the game the night we get back."

"Lakers versus the Clippers?" She grinned and high fived me. "Courtside?"

"Just you and me, babe." I hugged her.

She looked far away for a moment and I pressed her side. "What are you thinking?"

"Just---- we are taking a very public vacation--- not promoting anything, and pictures of us are probably going to be on the internet soon. How private will we be able to be?"

"We'll go incognito." I pulled out sunglasses and flipped my baseball cap around. It was true, I was fairly low key. Still--- I attracted attention. I was not just the leader of a pretty famous rock/ pop band, but I was a TV personality, and my show was currently in season. I didn't really want to expose my family to unwanted attention either, but no one knew we were coming on this trip. I hadn't announced it--- not one tweet.

Aubrey tweaked my cap, and then said she wanted one, and sunglasses, so we found some very touristy ones at the local shops, and she put them on, making us far more noteworthy than if she hadn't tried to be my matching twin. But I loved her for being my matching twin, and loved her for being herself anyway. It didn't matter who else knew.

Virgil was leading us out of the tourist areas and down some rather less traveled trails. This was to all of our liking. Below us on the hillside were private homes---- mansions the likes you might see in Monaco, or Rio. I pointed out features I admired--- half indoor pools, tennis courts, indoor/ outdoor basketball courts; three tiered garden plazas where groups could just sit and visit, or look out over the ocean, enjoying the balmy breezes.

Aubrey listened so attentively I had to ask her if I were boring her, and her mind was actually elsewhere. She was surprised, and said that no, she was really, really into my perceptions of architecture, and what I admired in a home, what sorts of ideas I had for our home. I felt my heart swell as her genuine interest fanned my creativity--- the whole Superman thing came right smack into play. I kept talking as if I were the architect--- completely engrossed in my ideas.

We found a snack place on the trail, which wasn't exactly a trail, but certainly a walkway. Virgil decided we could get drinks, and churros, and as the kids happily munched, Aubrey and I went back to discussing plants and gardens and designs for landscape we admired. It was intent--- focused--- very comfortable, and completely enjoyable. As if there were time in the world for all kinds of discovery. I felt I had been denied this type of conversation for the majority of my life.

Felicity was ahead of us holding Virgil's hand. Her long raven black hair, up in curly pigtails swirled around her neck and shoulders in the breezes. I watched her rosy cheeks, her extraordinary light sparkly eyes, and her easy way with her new big brother, and my heart roared with love and appreciation for her. Yes, roared---- not soared which would have also been a good description. But the word roared was what seemed to be crashing through my mind and my ears and my body---

--- Till I realized I was standing under the tram as it went by overhead.

I started laughing. This stupid chuckle.

That sort of thing simply did not happen to me very often. I wasn't surprised easily or for ridiculous reasons.

Aubrey looked back at me, her body bent back as she went down the incline--- her firm, sleek lines enticing my eye.

Man, I was into sudden flights of eye appealing analysis.

And suddenly I did feel horny.

And annoyed with myself for feeling that way.

Aubrey was generous and accommodating. I never went more than a day without, which is more than I can say for most married men my age.

Our honeymoon was not over.

In fact, we were newlyweds.

What I didn't have a complete grasp on was the whole fatherhood thing. I felt like I was on vacation with somebody else's kids, and I was babysitting, and it was... well, fairly unreal. I had to take care of them. I didn't have a choice. I couldn't exactly leave them anywhere. They were helpless and needy and... frankly... in the way. Even though they were pretty darn good for the most part. I felt like they didn't know me and I didn't know them.

And the girl I had married?

The motherhood wannabe?

She seemed like a stranger when she was around them as well.

I had moments---- sincere moments--- these waking up moments, where time didn't exist, and somebody else had taken over my life.

Singing with my band seemed unreal. A different life. Someone else's life.

I stopped on the trail. What were these thoughts?

They didn't even sound like mine.

They sounded suspiciously like somebody else's.

I looked behind me.

If not mine--- then whose?

They felt weirdly like----

The devil.

Oh, God.

Not that too.

Maybe it was early onset dementia.

Maybe it was the heat.

"Aubrey, wait up."

She stopped again and looked up at me. "Are you okay?" Her eyes were concerned.

"Nope." She instantly set Rein down and holding his hand, came back up the trail. She called to Felicity and Virgil.

She arrived and pressed a hot hand to my sweaty forehead. Her eyes scanned me in a purely professional way. "What's wrong?"

"I feel like my mind is racing."

She cocked her head to one side. Her expression was priceless.

"Racing whom?"

I had to smile. "I feel out of sorts."

"You need me to play shrink? Weren't we just having a very normal conversation about landscaping?"

"They went from one thing to another and encompassed all kinds of annoying detailed feelings. Very unlike me. I think---- I think I'm being attacked by the---."

Now her face lost all its laughing-ness and she blanched obviously. She took my hand and gently squeezed.

"From the time you stopped talking about the plants and walkways in our garden, on our property in Montana, till right this minute? You feel like you're being attacked by the adversary?"

I squinted at her. "I felt like I didn't know you and the kids. I was having a really hard time recalling why I had adopted these kids."

She swallowed audibly. "I suppose moments like those can be considered natural. It is a little unreal, but your head tells you differently, right?"

"No, neither my head nor my heart feels engaged. I feel bizarre."

She blinked. "We probably need to get you into the shade."

We turned and walked back up to the top of the trails and Aubrey took my hand and led me to the approaching tram and the small line. It was cooler. But I still felt my head and heart racing.

"I feel horny." I said in her ear.

Her eyes snapped back to mine as if I were having a joke at her expense.

"And it annoyed me that I felt that way. I have no reason to feel that way except I was contemplating your ass, and your lovely chest, and the way your---- anyway---- I was contemplating you--- and then I contemplated the kids and suddenly it all seemed very much the intrusion and not part of my life and I couldn't----shake it right away."

"Have you shaken it now that you've shared it?"

I thought about that, as we waited for the tram to stop and the people in it to debark. The kids were excited to get back on and seemed unaware of the drama I was causing.

I shook my head.

She squished up her lips. "Well--- I can't do anything to help you with your horniness--- at least not right now." She quirked a small crooked smile. "But I can tell you that I am indeed your eternal wife--- you're stuck with me now for better or worse, and forever. Pretty much the kids too. It seems natural and normal to have moments where it seems all unreal--- but you should be able to tell yourself the truth and pull out of it. I've had those funks---- we both have the temperament for them. I honestly think it will pass. You might also just be overheated."

I popped my lips.

I'd felt funk before.

I'd felt disoriented and random---- right after Gomez died at Teotihuacan. I'd felt it for a few hours.

That wasn't what I felt right now.

In fact---

It was receding as we spoke.

We boarded the tram and it closed and started down. The kids were enchanted, and enthralled and ecstatic.

Aubrey pulled on my ear till I looked at her. Her blue eyes were confident.

"You don't think I was being attacked by the adversary?"

Her brows rose. "If you weren't then it's a bad idea to talk about it out loud and give him ideas."

"You think he can hear my thoughts?"

"I think we all broadcast our thoughts easily. We're American. We don't hide what we feel as well as some."

She was talking low, and intently, and I closed my mouth pointedly, like a fish, and just stood there staring down the hill. News to me.

"So, examine your thoughts." She recommended. "Are your thoughts in progress in tune with what you really feel and think?" She shrugged. "If not--- then let them go. Don't entertain thoughts that are counterproductive. That go against your goals and commitments. There's no point in going back, or wishing for something that isn't happening." She smoothed my arm gently and looked into my eyes again with confidence.

"I know, Aubrey." I said, trying not to show my irritation.

I knew she'd catch it, and she did. Her eyes slid to mine, and as I looked away, she quirked her lips thoughtfully.

I folded my arms over my chest, but we came to a tower and the sway of the tram made me reach for the railing to steady myself and her, as she stepped forward to catch her balance.

"I'm not annoyed with you." I said softly.

Her eyes widened in innocence. "Of course not. I didn't think you were."

"I already know how to keep positive thoughts and discard negative ones. I'm not dwelling on it."

She shrugged diffidently. "You are one of the most positive people I know, Rafe."

I looked out over the lovely bay and the hotels and cruise ships. "I am." I insisted, wondering at the weird feelings I had just experienced and glad they were receding, and I had control of my own thoughts again. It hadn't felt like self-doubt or self-anything--- it had felt like----other.... Weird other.

The bottom came too soon. Aubrey hoisted Rein, and Felicity grabbed my legs, wanting to be picked up. I felt a strange second--- really, just barely an acknowledged second—of resentment—and then tamped it down and pushed it away. I had to. If it wasn't my own feelings, then it needed to be gone, and I was sure--- pretty sure anyway—that I did not harbor resentment toward any of these children.

It could just be the oddity of it all.

It could be the heat.

It could be I had been sick and was now worn out and tired.

I opted for that last--- picked up Felicity and followed Aubrey off the tram.

*****