042:

I watched Lance and Darnel talking for another minute. They'd come in the same car, right?

They needed to go. We'd just brought two new children into our home. We were playing at the beach, this was supposed to be a happy time, happy for us and for our children. Aubrey had planned a fun little get-together and they--- the idiots had made it about themselves and not about my kids.

I needed to put this kid down.

I made it back up to the house and into the den. Wrapped in his blanket, I managed to lay him slowly down without waking him. He could walk... I'd seen him. He could get off the couch. I'd only be gone a few seconds. I went out the front---- my ire on high alert.

"Hey, Lance!" I called as soon as I rounded the corner of the house where they were standing there arguing--- they weren't yet making up.

He turned to me, exasperated, annoyed.

"Hey." I ran around to them and stopped, hands getting geared up to express my annoyance. Lance for sure saw it coming. "This was supposed to be the kind of day where we brought our new adopted children home for the first time, and had a welcoming party. I feel like you guys crashed the party with your issues, and are trying to make me feel like I've done something wrong, when it isn't me who has the problem, it's you. I love you, Lance, but I'm asking you to take your issues someplace else this time. I don't want your issues affecting my wife and kids today of all days."

Lance was even more stricken if that were possible. He was super sensitive, I knew, but right now he needed to step up and be the man.

"I told you I wanted to leave so our children wouldn't be subjected to----." Darnel started, but I cut him off.

"No! No, that's not why you're leaving. I'm asking you to leave so that your issues and prejudices don't effect my family. You guys brought up your issues. I don't have any issues. And your issues have caused discord. I don't want my new little kids subjected to your discord." I turned. "If you want your kids to stay and play, I'll have Dad bring them home later. I gotta get back inside to take care of Rein."

It was rude. I knew it. It helped me feel not so controlled in my own home. I had that nasty temper I hadn't let anyone see too much of recently. What I really wanted was to see Darnel react. But his face remained stoic. He nodded crisply to me and then to Lance. "I'll get the kids." His footsteps slapped hard on the cement.

I stood there staring at Lance. "Why'd you have to bring this up?"

"You asked me why he was pissed off. I told you." Lance shook his head. "I don't blame you. Darnel is being unreasonable, but it is confusing why you felt one way and now you obviously feel differently."

"I think you have the right to choose, and I want to defend that right. But, even I can see that guy on guy is just not natural."

Lance's eyes snapped up at me. I'd voiced thoughts I'd had on my own a while back, but I'd never indicated I felt that way before. It was shocking to me to hear my own voice disparage his choices. But I did feel they were his choices.

I hadn't always felt that way. Even Aubrey didn't feel that way. She said that there were biological reasons for these aberrations. I had always thought there were, that people were born that way--- but I couldn't really look around and see any evidence that nature or God, or anything approved of same sex permanent relationships. It didn't propagate the human race--- why else would sex be given to us if not for that? Not that I'd ever felt that the only reason for sex was to procreate--- but it was a really logical and desirable outcome.

Were some people born feeling like they were the wrong sex? Was that maybe a lifelong issue for them? Unfair and very hard? But were they then any different from the disabled guy in a wheelchair that would never know the love of a woman? Why did that have to happen? I don't know. I don't know. But I didn't see any difference.

Lance turned and walked away. His shoulders were back, he was angry--- angrier than I'd ever seen him. I wanted to run to him and make it right---- take it back--- smooth it over---- do something--- anything.

And then I heard the crying---- Rein was crying--- standing in the front doorway--- his eyes sleepy, his bottle dangling from his fingers and his face beyond scared and forlorn. I raced back to his side and scooped him up.

"Hey, little guy, I'm here. I didn't leave. You're okay."

He was doing that sob-y thing he did with hiccups. I held him cupped to my chest, his head buried in my neck, his little hands beating softly at my back. He was wired--- hurting---- scared.

I went back inside--- my anger dissipating somewhat in the face of obvious distress. We walked all the way through and out onto the patio, I could see the kids still playing, but Lance and Darnel were gathering theirs. I heard Aubrey's voice on the wind, wishing them good-bye, thanking them for coming, saying she'd see them tomorrow. I doubted she would.

I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't want to say anything. I was done talking with them for now. Maybe some other time.

I realized I'd managed to estrange myself from my mother over a similar issue, and now Lance.

My heart sank. That made me angry too. There shouldn't be any estrangement--- from anyone.

I went out on the sand as soon as they left. Aubrey saw me and came running. The wind whipped her riotously curling hair, and her happy voice. I tried to offer her a non-serious smile, and failed. It wasn't in me to hide my emotions from her--- maybe from others.... Not her.

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