041:

There she stood--- in a one piece suit--- red---- cute--- like Gidget. It even had this little flippy skirt with white polka dots and lace. Not a lot of lace--- and not a lot of polka dots. But the way it hugged her figure--- especially her boobs. I closed my eyes, but the damn girl was branded on the insides. Take that back--- she's not a damn girl. But oh. My..... how I love her!

She grinned, and slapped my butt, caressing it as she passed me.

"How's it going with Rein?" She'd given him the bottle with some kind of vanilla smelling formula, I thought.

I said so.

"It's not formula. It's my own regenerative herbal mix with smoothie ingredients smoothed way finer, so it can get through the nipple. Chalk full of baby nutrients. He seems to like it. He's just so lethargic, and he doesn't talk, just cries when he's sad." She tweaked his cheek, kissing him as we went down the stairs.

"So this is your party? My brother and yours?"

"And six extra kids." She reminded. "Not a whole clan."

It seemed like a clan to me.

At the foot of the stairs, she turned smiling up at me. "This---- are you okay?" She twirled her finger in the air.

"Can I help it if I'm a guy?"

"What, and you're a sex fiend?"

"I'm not a sex fiend."

Her eyebrows waggled and her eyes widened mischievously.

"I can't help it if you're too sexy for your own good."

"How was I too sexy---- before?"

"You weren't--- God made you look good, but not that good, so I wouldn't be tempted beyond my control."

"Maybe now He expects you to be in control."

"I am. It's all you. You're the one not in control. Look at you--- swinging those hips, your bare feet all cute and erotic looking."

"Are you saying I have erotic looking feet?" She looked down.

"Aubrey!"

"I was asking if you're okay with the small party and the adoption and the kids and----."

I grabbed her, with one hand behind her head, enveloped in her hair, and kissed her soundly. Everything about her was sexy to me.

Aubrey cocked her head--- "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt...."

I laughed as we made our way outside. "And I'm too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party, no way I'm disco dancing...."

"I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan...." She sang.

I grabbed my baseball cap on the way out. "And I'm too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat, now what do you think about that?" She flipped her ponytail at me, as I hiked Rein higher on my side and watched this little wisp of a fantastic amazing woman waltz by me--- then take off running across the sand.

It was all I could do to follow her.

Marshall, still completely dressed was standing at the shore break where the wet sand met the dry. All the kids: Felicity and Celestine, and Kaye, Flinn, Will, Jordan, and Virgil were standing very close to but not in the water, moving with it forward and back barely getting their feet wet. Only Frazier was out a little way, getting in up to his waist, and Lance was beyond him, looking sleek and built. Darnel was up on the sand, standing too far away for Marshall to comfortably talk to.

When Aubrey hit the scene, they all turned to look. She grabbed Felicity up and raspberried her tummy, and I noted that our little girl had an almost matching bathing suit to my wife's and wondered if that was done on purpose, or if Felicity's had come in the clothes bags. She ran out into the water near Lance who kicked water at them as Aubrey knelt and took a wave right in the face, raising up so Felicity who was now soaking wet could scream and laugh and giggle. She let Liss down in the shallows and went after Kaye, grabbing her up amid squeals and giggles and finally chasing.

I turned to Lance as he came up the shore. "Hey, little brother. What's up?"

"You." He kicked water at me. "Overnight, you became a dad, overnight, Rafe. You're up."

"I'm da man." I agreed, hefting the little guy on my side, wishing he supported himself better. He was like a much younger baby.

Lance came over to us, our feet sliding lower and lower in the water. I saw him give Darnel a piercing glance, curiously intent.

"What's up?" I jerked my head in his direction.

Lance pointedly looked out to sea. "He's pissed."

"At what?" My mind was going over possible scenarios--- namely he was pissed at Lance for something.

So when Lance said he was pissed at me, I snapped to attention. "Me? Why me?" My first thought was the adoption--- but Lance disabused me of that notion.

"You used to be an activist--- openly declaring your support for---- us, and our--- lifestyle. And now---- having re-joined the Mormon church--- you're not."

"I'm not what?" I felt this cold chill race down my spine. I knew this was going to come up. I had known it all along. Ever since I first met Aubrey--- ever since we'd decked each other at my parent's house--- and sat in the hot tub discussing religion and the LGBT community. I'd known it even more when I had that interview with my Stake President, and committed in the temple to live a certain way. I was living that way. I just--- well, I'd sold my club and withdrawn support for certain groups and magazines. I'd simply taken myself off rosters. I hadn't openly gone out and publically taken back anything I'd previously said. There had been no formal announcement that I had returned to church--- married in the temple--- or adopted three Latino children--- although Felicity's antics at the Laker's game had sparked some curiosity.

He shrugged--- his shrug identical to mine when it wanted to be. "You're not. You're just not."

"And he's pissed at me for changing my mind? Marrying a Mormon? Marrying in the temple? Solidifying beliefs?"

"Is that what you did? You changed a perception, Rafe, or you solidified beliefs that weren't really solid before?" This was said with amazement, and disgust. The term hypocrite was on the tip of both of our tongues.

"Look, have I done anything against you or Darnel? Have I said not to come over? Have I acted differently? Kept my family away from you guys?" I knew my voice had risen. I didn't care if Darnel heard, or Marshall, or Aubrey. I didn't like being called on the carpet like this.

"You do act differently."

I jostled Rein, as I slapped my forehead.

Lance went on. "You aren't quite yourself."

"What about me is so different? Is a person not allowed to change? I mean I've had some pretty big changes in my life recently. Marriage, kids. You'd think perspectives would be noted and changed based solely on those events."

Lance shrugged again, rocking back on his heels, except for the tattoos, we could be twins. I noted that with annoyance. We were twins and yet--- so different.

"You allow--- you tolerate--- but anymore, you don't advocate. You aren't friendly to our lifestyle."

My eyes screwed up. Friendly to his lifestyle? What did he want? Gay pride posters on the walls? Lessons on gender identity running on looped streams on the kitchen TV?

"So, in order for you to remain my brother and for me to show my love--- I must be actively advocating?"

This sounded extreme. I didn't think Lance was out there actively advocating on a consistent basis himself. Darnel might be. I knew he habitually walked in parades, rallies, and took his children--- proudly showing the world that two gay men could provide a stable family. I think he did this to help others feel---- safe in their choices. He led by example. I'd always admired that quality. He was fearless--- he exposed his kids to his beliefs.

"Well, you stopped actively doing anything---- it isn't even in your interview speech like it used to be. You used to use that plug--- if a venue didn't support us, you didn't play there, and it would be all over the news, why you boycotted them. Clear message how you felt. Now---."

"I may have stopped--- yes. I'll admit that. Interviews have changed and venues and restaurants have changed, in my mind. I've adopted Aubrey's views on that point."

"Which are?" Lance saw Darnel coming toward us and jerked his head for him to join. It was obvious the heated nature of the discussion had not slipped his attention. 

"Well, for one thing, we decided that our private lives didn't need to be aired so much in public. We don't talk about our religion, or our adoptions, our home, our extended family--- her family policy is to not comment on any family business at all."

"And politics? Things you believe in?"

"Lance." I said his name the way I did in our more intimate moments. "You know I love and support you and Darnel. Even though I have changed my religious views, I still love you. You've been to our home more than any other family member bar none. I haven't done as many interviews and talk show spots, and whatever since I got married. Those things are great for promoting--- which we don't have a new album out--- so I'm not promoting that or a tour. But they take time away from Aubrey and the kids. Mostly Aubrey."

Darnel had arrived at our sides. His arms were folded over his very well sculpted chest muscles. Black guys who worked out tended to look beefier than I did, for sure. Darnel was without a doubt, in his swimming trunks and shirtless--- pretty hot. See--- I can admit that--- I'm a guy, and I find other guys hot.

"What are you two discussing so heatedly?" Darnel asked, but the smile on his lips never reached his eyes. He was definitely colder than usual.

"Lance was filling me in on why you're pissed off at me." I said point blank.

He grinned and cocked his head and eyes at Lance.

"Our private conversations?" This was said by way of chiding him for sharing. I didn't care.

"It's obvious something is up, Darnel. You were standing far enough away that no one could talk to you, you have been the last several times you've been over. Something is bugging you. Are you going to tell me, or just let me assume?"

He grunted. "Yeah--- you would assume."

Irritation flared. "I am standing here giving you the benefit of the doubt. Let's hear your accusations."

"Who said I am accusing you of anything?"

I saw Marshall out of the corner of my eye strip out of his sweats and long sleeved shirt into trunks and join Aubrey playing with the kids. It was obvious that we three were having a major discussion now. So he'd opted out of the whole guy's convo.

I'd have welcomed his input, I think. He seemed like a rational guy, and he was a member. I felt like they were about to gang up on me regarding my church membership--- which was weird since they'd actively--- well, Lance had actively come to the temple-- at least waited outside with those who couldn't come inside for whatever reason, and he'd been at the receptions, etc. Darnel had not come to the temple. But he'd stayed with the kids at the hotel--- it couldn't be construed as avoidance really.

"Are you?" I asked.

Darnel blew out his breath and stared out to sea. 

I am an up-front guy. I don't like my words picked apart, and I don't appreciate beating around the bush. If you have something to say, just say it.

"Your feelings regarding our lifestyle have changed. I no longer feel that you advocate for or protect us. You've put other things first--- and I get that you want to please your wife who is actively opposed to our lifestyle, who is actively and openly working against our lifestyle, whose family is actively opposing our lifestyle---but I get that you fell in love with her, and you want to please her."

This was about the same as our previous conversation at Dad's. Something along the lines of Aubrey's religious beliefs dictating her views. Now he was saying that her family and her religion dictated our views.

"I resent that you hold me in such low regard that you think I would let anyone dictate my views besides myself." I said evenly.

"Your views changed dramatically since your marriage." Lance said gently. His eyes pleaded with me not to be too blunt. In that, our personalities differed greatly. It was a well-known fact that I had zero tact.

"You weren't on tour with us, so you didn't see the transformation in my thoughts. I put out the effort to decide on my own. I made the calls, I studied and I prayed and I ---."

"Since when did God tell you what to believe?" Darnel shot back.

"I've always believed in God." I retorted.

"But you opposed organized religion--- that religion more than any others for what they did to Lance and Danny. You were openly against that religion--- in your public life. You made it clear that that particular religion was opposed to your private views. It is shocking to me, that even falling in love with a Mormon you would choose to go back to church---and not just a little, but full on."

"Maybe you don't know that even before Troy died Ben and Jeff and I had started making those kinds of changes. We'd actually already started changing our lifestyle."

"To encourage and tap into a more conservative audience, to boost sales. I know. We've discussed that. You wanted---."

"It was more than that." I insisted. "I changed a lot of things during the three or four years leading up to my marriage. I think meeting Aubrey was a catalyst and reward for that effort. God saw my desire to change and finally--- when my thought patterns had changed enough--- he sent me Aubrey."

Darnel laughed, rocking back on his heels--- he literally laughed in my face. "Can you prove that, Rafe? Can you give me any convincing evidence that you were changing before you met her? And not just for business reasons? You were changing, but you weren't leaning toward the Mormon church."

"I can." I said, feeling my anger surface. "I had been paying tithing to the church for over a year. I'd met and talked to my Bishop before I ever met Aubrey."

Darnel's face lost its smug grin, and Lance looked as if I'd punched him. I felt bad for that. But I didn't ask them how they spent their time and money. Why should I account to them what I did with mine? When I actively plugged the LGBT movement--- I did it on my own, nobody asked me to. I did it for my own reasons. I still felt strongly about it. I'd met people and known people who suffered with their same sex attraction. I didn't understand it. I couldn't make sense of it. It hurt me to see their pain.

Darnel sucked in his lips. "So you believe everything they say? You're anti-gay. You're anti- us."

"I don't have to agree with everything anybody says, even the church. But I don't actively support entities that tear down the church--- it was some time ago I realized that fighting for the cause of the LGBT movement meant opposing and fighting against other people's beliefs. It meant that I felt strongly enough about the LGBT's to believe they were right and others were wrong. But you know--- that isn't true. If one group demands the right to be recognized, then why does the other have to shut up and admit wrong-doing? Doesn't everybody have the right to believe what they want?"

Darnel slapped his forehead and staggered in a circle dramatically—those kinds of theatrics annoy me, but I just stood there, jostling Rein, who had fallen asleep on my arm, against my chest, and while I loved the thought that he'd fallen asleep on me--- he was dead weight, and my arm was aching.

"Not if what they believe hurts others." Darnel said.

"In what way do my beliefs hurt you?"

"You no longer demonstrate your loyalty. You have caved in and fallen prey to----."

"My loyalty is to my brother and his family. Not to haters who expect hate to dominate their lifestyle. I love my brother. I love his children and I respect who he is. I give him every ounce of respect I would give one of Aubrey's hetero siblings. There is no difference. I'm not out there walking in straight parades, or lobbying against homosexuals—and I am no longer out there lobbying pro-homosexuals. I am simply living my life and showing love to all people the best that I can."

Darnel's laugh was ugly. It obviously spoke of his derisive feelings about my lifestyle choices.

"I can't stay here, Lance. I want the kids to come home with me now."

Lance looked stricken. His eyes were wide and anxious. "There's no reason to keep our kids away from their cousins."

"There is if their cousins are anti-gay."

"Oh, come on! The kids don't have a clue about anything." I warned. "Stop putting your own prejudices on the kids!"

"I don't want my children growing up exposed to an atmosphere of hateful pride. I will not tolerate your wishy-washy loyalties."

"There is no hateful pride here, except yours. I have never once kept you or your family away from my home and my family, and you seem to be far more invested in hating than I am." I adjusted Rein who now weighed a ton, and stepped up out of the little hole I'd sunk into.

"You are doing this Rafe. Examine your own reasons for doing what you're doing, and you will find that you are no longer your own man." Darnel turned and started up the shoreline. Lance gave me one piercing look and then loped after him. I turned to look out at the kids all having a great time playing in the smaller surf. Even Virgil was splashing and enjoying himself. Why did kids have to make up their minds about these issues right now anyway? Why couldn't they all just be kids?

And had I just heard the words--- I won't tolerate?

He wouldn't tolerate.... He wouldn't....

I rolled my eyes.

I had to put this kid down.

Gees....

******