*****038:

We went home and straight to our yoga and our taekwondo session. Felicity had her own yoga mat and workout clothes now, and she set it all up, taking her time, making sure she was perfectly aligned with mine and Rafe's. We usually started the work out without her. She had learned to join in, or sometimes Anita gave her specific cues and she tried really hard to do them. I was distracted the whole time, thinking about what if there were two more children here? How could Rafe get the kind of workout he needed?

But--- I looked at him. He wasn't as easily distracted. He had learned to tune out distractions, and focus.

Right now, standing on one foot, completely balanced, his hands steadily rose, his eyes were closed, his foot didn't even waver. Mine did. His arms were tight---- his thighs were tight. I could see the muscles standing out. I hope I look as good at thirty-seven.

Random.

I'm still really random inside.

I need to use this time to focus.

But there's a little girl behind me....

Later---

******

Rafe

I stepped into her shower, slid my arms up her sides and pressed to her from the back. The water was warm--- the soap on her skin, slippery and enticing. My fingers slid along her slender flanks.

I swallowed hard.... Barely able to control myself, and knowing I wouldn't. I pressed her against the wall. She turned in my arms and I lifted her up....

Aubrey was no super model. She was built like a woman--- not a tall gangly girl. When she pressed to me--- I felt no hard angles, no bony protrusions.

I had them--- the bony protrusions----

I kissed her, drank her, ate her, became her--- used her--- and gave to her until she cried.

We didn't speak at all.

When I was done--- dead serious, I turned to the other spigot, rinsed off and walked out.

It felt sick--- and queer--- and rude.

Another girl might have cussed me out.

Another girl had cussed me out.

Any other girl would have felt betrayed.

I stood naked in the outer lavatory area, and brushed my hair with her brush--- the mirror was somewhat steamy--- I stared at my reflection. I heard the water go off.

For a split second, I knew the old me had collided with the new me--- and on this day of all days.

Weren't we having enough weirdness? Did I need to go and add something bizarre and confusing to the mix? Had I really forgotten that just a few hours ago my girl was hurting really badly?

There was a knock on the outer door and my dad's voice came through it. "Rafe, there are two agents from the county home study group here."

"Home study group?"

Aubrey came by me, wrapped in a towel, her hair dragging down her back. I could see the marks in her flesh that I'd put there, fingernail marks, and the bruise of the water faucet handle imprint. She didn't look at me, nor say anything.

"Be out in a minute, Dad." I called in a voice that didn't sound like me.

Aubrey went into the closet, I could partially see her getting dressed. I quit brushing my hair and walked past her in the closet, brushing against her familiarly--- rudely.

She stumbled, as she'd been putting her pants on, standing on one foot. Her eyes rose to meet mine. She dropped the pant leg. "What's with you?"

"Nothing." I quipped, feeling ridiculous for no reason. Were we destined to have these moments of hostility and reverting?

She shoved me back and I stumbled into the wall, a basket for dirty clothes slid to the side. She was in front of me--- her whites and bra in place. "Something's up."

"Half the day is gone."

"Um hm. So what?" Her hair dripped onto her chest. I stared at the droplet soaking into the white of her bra.

And then I reached out and cupped her breasts, pulling her to me again roughly. She came unwillingly, but gave me her attention. I liked that. I wanted her again. Now.

My foot loosened the jeans, pulled them off and she stepped out.

"I hurt you." I said unnecessarily. "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not." She answered, but her eyes were seriously playful.

I grabbed her to me, forcing her lips open as I pulled her into me again. I picked her up and took her to the bed, this time, kissing her---- arousing her...

Everything about her screamed violation. But she submitted--- why?

I made her---- heard her cry out, knew her release. Kept myself there, pushing her, eyes closed, sighing in relief and contentment.

I pulled her up, not down, didn't let her fall back. "You okay?"

She smiled, panting.

"Okay then." I rolled with her, excited that she fit so easily to me, I mean how can it be comfortable to roll off the bed attached to someone? I held her clothes for her to get dressed and then got myself dressed. We heard Felicity at the door calling our names. I hurried, ran my hands through my messy hair and then hers.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"No--- I really, really love you."

"Thank you." She slipped her sandals on and opened the door for Felicity who stood there with her doll dangling from her fingers, her mouth in an open oh, ready to call out again.

Then she put her little hands on her hips. "What were you doing?"

*******