*****027:

I had the picture blown up and framed. It was the first thing she put in her room.

She chose a Princess bed.... I wouldn't let her or Rafe have ridiculous beds---- I even put my foot down when it came to bedroom sets and toys. We got a sensible white wooden bedroom set--- a dresser, desk and bed. She chose the Princess blankets and pillows. But I told her we'd be learning how to make her bed and the more pillows she had the more she had to make look pretty in her room.

Rafe started immediately the next day saying all the words in Spanish and then in English. Felicity responded easily—copying him, answering him. She flat out refused to do the same for me.

She called us Rafe and Aubrey for now.

She liked our smoothies and she very much liked our yoga and taekwondo.

This is how that went. We forgot Anita was coming over at seven a.m. Saturday morning. The bell rang, we jumped up--- having slept most of the night naked on the floor in the bedroom, and ran buck naked into our room where of course, our new child was sitting up, looking scared. Rafe dashed for the bathroom and I grabbed a sheet and wrapped it around me.

Naturally--- she screamed.

I picked her up, blankie and mermaid and all and took her in to Rafe. Thank goodness he had a preference for walk-in showers with multiple heads. This was way better than at my house. We all showered. Wasn't very conventional. But we got it done. Felicity screamed pretty much the whole time.

Anita had let herself in and gone downstairs.

She started when she saw Felicity. Really started. It was clear she remembered her from Teotihuacan. Rafe introduced her in English and explained about the adoption. For her part, Felicity eyed Anita with extreme mistrust, confirming my suspicions that someone female had mistreated her recently. Her sobs from the shower were still resonating in her throat and her eyes were red-rimmed.

Maybe we should have canceled this session. But Rafe did not even think of canceling, he simply put Felicity on his lap and asked Anita, to begin with a 4-year-old age appropriate session. We all meowed with a cat stretch, slithered with a cobra move, and howled with our downward dogs. By that time, Felicity had stopped crying and was crawling in and under Rafe's down dog, and even came and circled mine. She stopped and eyed my boobs in the tight exercise top. I wondered if--- if she still nursed. For a split second. I wondered that.

She circled me again when we did our seed trees, our boat, and our supported bridge. But while I was in the backbend--- she did walk right up and poke me in the boob. She leaned in and sniffed me there as well.

I was pretty sure by that time that she had been a nursing toddler.

Rafe watched this action carefully--- hoping that she would warm up to me.

We did some sitting twists and Felicity consented to sit in my lap and twist--- until she decided to turn and face me--- and finally, she pulled my stretchy top down exposing my breasts, and she latched on.

We all stopped. I could have slapped her off--- I was so shocked... and the pain was --- indescribable.

But I didn't. I somehow managed not to.

The spirit had warned me precisely three minutes before it happened that it was going to happen, and everything depended on my reaction right now. I held her carefully on my lap on the back of her head, as she suckled, and then realized there was nothing coming out. She let go and looked up at me.

Would she be mad? Would she hit me?

She stared up solemnly into my eyes. "Amamantar a un bebe?"

I glanced painfully up at Rafe, crossing a hand over my exposure.

I shrugged. "No leche."

"Hm." She said and went back one more time for good measure, pushing herself to a more sideways cradled position. She grabbed me uncomfortably--- holding me like a squished bottle. The nipple was on fire.

I bit my lips, but held her gently, smoothing her hair back. "No leche."

She let go, but stayed in my arms.

"I'm sorry."

"Felicity, are you hungry?" Rafe asked.

She drank out of a cup just fine, so it wasn't that she was used to a bottle. She must have nursed occasionally on Ariana. But she wouldn't have been nursing the last three months--- it was odd that she'd tried on me. Unless Ariana had nursed her for comfort--- that was certainly something women and children did. I'd seen a five-year-old nurse before.

"No." She said, her eyes blinking at me solemnly.

"Why don't you two finish the session?" I suggested and they slowly went back to a deeper more advanced lesson.

Felicity looked up into my eyes. She turned in my arms facing my chest and curled up like a nursing baby, with her own dolly between us. She kept my left breast closest to her available, and once or twice she fingered the nipple. I covered the other one, feeling exposed and bizarre. Best not to act like this was bad or unusual, or that she'd be in trouble. Soft reaction was the best. No reaction maybe.

She finally turned and watched Rafe and Anita as they retreated into their meditative session. I longed to be with them, feeling simple and alone and at peace with myself--- just myself, but--- I was a mother now.

I was this child's mother. The only mother she would remember. And---

She had to come first. Her needs, not mine.

I shuddered in acknowledgment of this amazing transformation within myself. It was unrealistic--- out of my comprehension--- but known--- on some primitive level--- I understood.

I felt the sting of tears.

"Dar de momar." She said and fingered the nipple, staring at it. I felt strange and cold and sweaty and embarrassed that I hadn't stopped her. I wondered fleetingly what Rafe and Anita were thinking. I'm sure nobody had seen anything like this before. I wondered if Anita would tell anyone else. Should I ask her to keep it to herself?

My back ached with Felicity's added weight in my lap and the awkward angle I was holding her. But I wouldn't move till she was ready.

The session lasted a little over fifty minutes. Anita told Rafe she'd come at seven on Monday and we could do the child session first again. She left with just a soft nod in my direction. Felicity showed no interest in her.

Rafe came and sat down beside us, framing my backside with his legs. He was sweaty.

He leaned over my shoulder and looked down at Felicity. "Dejame en paz!" She braced her hand against his forehead and held my breast with her other hand possessively. His brows rose.

"Compartir." Rafe said, asking if she would share.

"Dar de momar." I think it referred to the way she was laying on me.

He nodded and backed off a little, which is what she originally told him to do.

"How about we go shopping?"

"How about we do it online?" I suggested. "And we go walk on the beach?"

"Excellent." He agreed, and that was how we got through that.

The most bizarre moment of my entire life. And all we said was--- no milk.

Felicity lay there, in my arms, curled around herself, and staring at the little pink nipple--- I felt positively exposed--- bizarre in a way I'd never felt before.

Later Rafe got the furniture ordered, and I decided to paint on the walls in her room, to make it a fairy princess room--- Maille had once done it for one of her final care girls before she died. I had a picture of the room and had always thought about duplicating it.

"I'm hungry." Rafe announced. "Can we shop for food online?"

"Yes." I answered, helping Felicity sit up as she gazed seriously from my lap at Rafe exiting the room.

"Let's do that. Do you have a place you like?"

"Yes. Whole Foods dot com."

"Perfect. We'll just become the online shopping family."

"Leaves us free to do other things."

I got up and Felicity dropped my hand so she could race after Rafe, keeping him in her sight.

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