*****025:

Ben picked us up at the airport and we said good-bye to Kell who was flying to his home base in Park City, Utah. It was nine o'clock Pacific Daylight time.... On Friday night.

Ben was gentle. Like the bear. Gentle Ben. He'd brought a gift, a Barbie doll, with a big huge pink Princess dress. He didn't speak the fluent Spanish that we did, so he muddled through introductions, and did some high-fiving. Felicity was sleepy and off-kilter, but she gamely played along, still clinging to Rafe and eyeing me speculatively.

We had to stop at the grocery store. There was nothing at the house, we'd been gone for weeks. Ben offered a suggestion of Fruit Loops and cookies... and Rafe and Felicity readily agreed, while I tried my best to circumspectly put their choices back in favor of fruit, and almond milk.

"Rafe." I wheedled softly. "You're a healthy eater, why would you expect your child to eat differently? And let her eat junk food?"

"But she recognized the Fruit Loops. It's familiar." He protested, staring me down, as Felicity swung her legs and kicked my hip methodically from the front seat of the cart.

"But it isn't good for her."

"It'll be a treat." We wheeled down the aisle and came to the bakery, which I normally would have simply ignored or skirted around. Now here was Rafe.... And Felicity.... Looking at donuts.

"You have to offer healthy treats, Rafe. Not sugary crap. She'll get sick." I was still hissing softly, not wanting to make a scene, but this Rafe, the one who was the assertive daddy figure, wanting to please her and win her adoration---- this Rafe ignored me and went to the shelves of donuts, and let her pick three.

I rolled my eyes. This is so not happening.... She's going to be my child too!

I took the donut bag and held it away, looking at Felicity, I told her that we would go get some really special treats that she would like even better than donuts. Rafe's eyes told me he was not in favor. He'd just made her so happy--- had a freaking bonding moment over the donuts--- he was so proud of himself.

Felicity screamed and reached for the donuts, floods of tears streamed down her red little cheeks. Rafe grabbed the bag and thrust it back into her hands, cuddling her close, and giving me a raised eyebrow look.

"Come on, Felicity, let's go find some more treats!" I tried in my best wheedling voice. She sobbed and kicked me, glaring from Rafe's arms.

I blew out my breath. I went to the back of the cart and began pulling it to the fresh produce. On the way, Rafe and Felicity tossed pastry pies and Gatorade's in the cart. I ignored them.

I stopped at the apples. Rafe was all for it, but Felicity leaned over, grabbed a big red one and threw it across the store.

Rafe went to retrieve it and Felicity screamed. I went to her and tried to lift her out, into my arms. "Honey, we are going to buy some apples, do you want to pick them out?"

Now is when the fun really started. Besides initially going limp, and arching her back to get away from me, so that I almost dropped her, the little wretch kept screaming and causing a huge spectacle. In less seconds than it took to push the cart to the grapes--- the little munchkin had wriggled her way down and was now running away.

Ben grabbed for her--- missed. Rafe turned from retrieving the apple, gave me an incredulous look and dashed after her another way, and I stood still, with my hands on my hips, wondering what the heck I was going to do with a child who hated me this much?

She was not easy to catch. She was fast--- clever---- and dangerous. She made for the front doors and debated going out into the parking lot alone--- maybe would have, but Ben cut her off. A couple of box boys got involved--- and Rafe eventually cornered her against the shopping cart stacks. She crawled way back inside the bottoms of them, pushing through the melee to an impossible position, where moving the carts could be potentially harmful--- and not moving them meant she could get even further back and stay there all night. I wondered if she had a mental disorder.

From the depths of her cave, Felicity cried and cried. Rafe cajoled, persuaded, offered bribes and basically tried everything. Eventually, I'd had enough.

"Rafe, please let me try." I said slowly and distinctly, knowing Felicity could hear.

"I offered her a pony--- she grunted at me."

"She probably doesn't know what that is." Ben said.

I rolled my eyes again. "You two go stand out of sight." They moved away and I noticed that the crowd of onlookers also backed away out of sight, murmuring what they would do if it was their kid. I knelt down, and in clear Spanish, I gently told her....

"Felicity. It's time to go home. Come out now."

She didn't move.

"Felicity. Rafe promised you he'd let you look at pictures of Momma and Papa. Do you still want to?" The muffled crying dried up to an occasional hiccup. "You have to come to my house to see them."

It was still a bribe, but perhaps a more relevant one.

She wasn't moving. She didn't trust me.

I had to stifle that annoying thought that she would never trust me--- that adopting her was a terrible mistake and had just set me up for a lifetime of pain and sorrow with the daughter of a drug lord.

Ahh! That was unfair....

I don't even want to entertain those treacherous thoughts.

I held out my hands.

She's four--- I reminded myself. She's alone--- and scared, she's been from family to family and probably didn't trust anyone.

This was the long haul---- I knew that. I pulled out my phone and sat on the floor. I googled El Chapo family photos.

They came up and I had to swallow hard. The first photos were mug shots, some were of Gomez being arrested, in several he was holding a gun at someone. I bit my lips. I wished I'd done this earlier. Finally, I came to one---- they were at a restaurant. Gomez sat stoically, not aware of the photographer, but Ariana was looking directly at him. She was dressed in white, possibly wedding white, with her long wavy dark hair and snappy dark eyes perfectly in place, a sweet smile on her lips.

I held up the phone so Felicity could see it.

Her eyes riveted.

"Momma." She whispered and crawled toward me, drawn irresistibly by the image of her parents. I doubted she'd seen them since that dreadful day. I nodded as she came out. She crawled unerringly into my lap and hesitated to take the phone out of my hands as she stared at the picture.

"Papa." She breathed and stared, pointing with a huge smile. "Momma and Papa!"

I looked up as Rafe came to over to us. Felicity was snuggled in my lap now, completely relaxed, completely absorbed. Rafe stroked her hair and then squatted and stroked mine. His eyes were shining. He looked at the pictures with her, agreed that this was Momma and Papa. She wanted him to take her to them.

He eventually scooped her up into his arms, still holding the phone carefully, and we quickly found our car and went home.

It was obvious that outings were out of the question until we got this aspect of our relationship under control.

********