*****023:

Brave words, I thought later as we waited in the adoption agency waiting room, sitting on plush mauve and cornflower blue swirly flowered elegant and cheery---- well, you get it, doctors office furniture. Brave words--- from a brave man.

We'd talked. On the plane ride east, five hours. We'd talked the whole time with Kell and each other. Kell being the pilot of choice this time. And another good choice. We felt suddenly surrounded by people who had been in similar circumstances to Felicity. Kell--- for instance--- had been in foster care and group homes till he was sixteen, then kicked out to the YMCA. He knew first hand feeling rejected, feeling alone, feeling unsure, and even angry---- angrier than he'd ever known was possible, until he met Maille----

Who, by the way, is the only baby adoption my mother did. Yep. Maille was adopted too. Adopted from ABCSC as a matter-of-fact.

And they two--- yes, Kell and Maille have adopted two of their six kids. One was an older child adoption too.

Kell had a lot of pointers for us. But frankly--- everyone said the same thing--- pray about everything, have faith, and listen to your heart.

The warnings were clear: She was going to be hurt, angry, sullen, pouty, demanding, moody, difficult, dangerous, whatever--- you name it, we should be expecting it.

I kept replaying the last moment I had with her--- she'd seen her father die--- she'd been hit by racing bullets. She'd seen a gun fight, first hand--- not something little kids should be privy to. Not very many adults were--- at least not my kind of rural America adults. Trauma. She'd been exposed to trauma--- and then separation and finally rejection.

My legs felt jittery. They kept bouncing against the heels, my toes pumping fast and nervously. I bit my nails.

Rafe paced.

It wasn't a large room, but we'd been in it for several hours. Waiting. Yes, hours. And before that----

Well, the first day had been a wash, and we'd ended it by going to the Hartford (Farmington) Connecticut Temple Open House. We happened to be there during the open house. The temple wasn't to be dedicated until sometime in November. It had been soothing, to say the least. Soothing and refreshing, and reminding. For the first time we contemplated taking Felicity to the temple to be sealed to us, and both of us felt the weight and magnitude of this happen inside us.

"Aubrey." Rafe said, sitting down on the office furniture couch. "I really said we'd take her originally just to make sure she had a home. The way you'd feel pity for a stray cat. Like Tiffy."

"Who doesn't know us anymore, because we're never there." I added sourly. The waiting had done got to me a long time ago. I was understandably impatient and fed up.

He grunted.

"I hope that reason for wanting to take Felicity has changed."

"And if it hasn't? Will you make her eat in the laundry room?"

"I might." He winked at me, and then came over and stood way too close, between my legs, looking down at me--- down my shirt, pretty sure.

"Rafe?"

"Let's make out."

"They'll brand us unfit parents before we even see the kid."

"Nah—they say it's good for kids to see their parents show affection for each other. Teaches them--- affection."

"Right."

He pulled me up and wrapped his fingers in my belt loops, lowering his lips to mine, with his eyes steadily watching me for signs of retreat.

The door opened. Rafe didn't let me go when I would have jumped away, instead he slowly turned us to face the door, as two women, ushered little raven haired waif of a daughter, Felicity through. I slid to my knees and held out my arms.

She was peaked, vacant, scared. She'd been through this several times now. Each time, expected to behave a certain way, a way no child should have to--- presenting themselves in hopes that someone, anyone will be their parents.

Her eyes rose to mine---- there was no tentative smile, no hope.

And then they rose to meet Rafe's. Up she looked, up the length of his tall, slim body, dressed in his open necked suit--- exactly what her dad had been wearing the last time she'd seen him. I had cautioned him about this choice, and he had assured me it was the right choice. And judging from the way Felicity stared at him, I knew it was.

She stepped awkwardly, as if her legs hurt, or they didn't want to support her weight. She had on a little yellow dress, too springy for the fall weather--- white socks, the wrong kind for the paten shoes. And a white flowered sweater, with pearl buttons, two were missing. Her hair was lank--- very lank--- her eyes sunken, her cheeks, once fresh and blooming with pretty pink, were sallow. I expected this. I had tried to picture it, but the reality was worse.

And Rafe wiggled his fingers at his side, the way he had the day he had carried her up The Pyramid of the Sun--- we weren't going to gloss over where we knew her from, or what had happened that day--- Rafe was going to confront it and incorporate it from the get go. He wiggled them again, and she saw.

I watched her eyes widen, flip back to his face, to his hair, to his encouraging smile.

And then she ran to him.

Oh God.... I breathed. Thank you! Thank you for this moment.

He scooped her up, settled her against his side and ruffled her hair. "How ya been, squirt." He said--- or something to that affect, in flawless Spanish, laughing with that sparkle that only Rafe can get.

She actually rattled off something--- in Spanish, almost broken Spanish. Had no one been able to speak to her in her native tongue? Hadn't they gotten an interpreter? Someone? No wonder the other family couldn't handle her.

Rafe fluffed her sweater, and she laughed. He had told her it was ugly. She smoothed her hand over his lapel, and told him his was uglier.

He nodded. "Then I will take it off." But as he went to set her down, she clung to him and screamed.

That was a new development. The two women leaped forward protectively, and Rafe shushed them away firmly--- although it was clear that one of them wasn't used to being shushed away by anyone.

Apparently she didn't realize Rafe Stryker wasn't just anyone, and no one--- no one was going to come between him and his daughter in that moment.

More fluent Spanish conversation occurred, and I caught that he was reassuring her that we were going home, no we weren't going to see her parents or her grandparents or anybody else she knew, except maybe Ben and Jeff. He told her that her life was about to change, and he was going to keep her, and make sure that no one ever hurt her, or left her again.

He was pretty blunt with a four year old, but he was confident and maybe that was all that mattered.

He asked her if she remembered me and she got all shy and buried her face in his neck. But she peeked at me, and wiggled her fingers till I took them, and she brought them up to her lips and kissed them, as her mother had once kissed her.

Rafe turned to the two women. "Can we go now?" He said it like they had been imposing on his time for far too long, and he was going to go whether they liked it or not.

"There are papers to sign."

I glanced over at John. There shouldn't have been any more papers. He nodded, opening his brief case and showing the necessary copies of papers. Money had already been exchanged and paid.

One of the women went back into the room they'd come out of and literally brought a pillowcase, a plain yellow pillowcase with all of Felicity's belongings. I felt sick. Had they left her nothing of her former life? Had they given her nothing to hold on to? What was this system? Barbaric?

Rafe took the pillowcase from the woman and smiled. "Shall we go, Felicity?"

She glanced back at the two women. "Where?"

"Home."

"To momma and papa?"

"I will show you a picture of them." He suggested, and I was relieved he hadn't told her a fib. Kids can always see through that ploy.

"A picture?"

"Yes, in a book." He said and turned to the door. "Wave goodbye, Niña, we are going home!"

Felicity studied Rafe with solemn, untrusting brown eyes. "I want to go home."

She hadn't forgotten her home. Sometimes they do. The trauma is so much and the various other places so foreign, and so many foreign people....

Felicity beckoned to me to follow as Rafe stepped out into the freedom of the hallways and the elevator, and eventually out the big glass double doors.

We said good-bye to John who had been a great help. I knew Rafe had paid him very well. And then we were literally on our way back to the airport and to Kell who would pilot us back to LA.

Home.

*******