020:

Ben came in a few minutes later. I curled even deeper into myself and closed my eyes.

I heard Rafe telling him thank you, and went to put the pads in the bathroom. I think he got a chair from another room and Ben came and sat down.

"I'm so sorry, Aubrey." He said patting my arm. I shrugged with as little effort as I could.

Rafe climbed back on the bed, and I snuggled next to him, using his leg as my pillow, with my other squishy pillow too. He stroked my hair.

"So, tell me what happened." He said to Ben and I perked my ears up a little.

"Well, it's definitely the church."

"She was taking the missionary discussions?"

"Yes, and she didn't seem to have any objections."

"So, what made her leave?"

"I think--- I think she was already distant. When we got back from Mexico... just the fact that she didn't want to come to Mexico. It may have been coming for a while. Maybe since Troy's death."

I heard Rafe sigh. "That was a turning point in all our lives for sure."

I drifted.... Hearing them discussing Addie's choices, her objection to the church, Ben's testimony of it. His calling as a Sunday School teacher. He felt purpose in his life. He also felt like there was a woman out there for him, someone great---- maybe with baggage--- at his age, there weren't many available women who didn't have some baggage, but nevertheless--- he was choosing to go forward with faith. I loved that--- hot on the heels of our discussion about faith.

Rafe played with my hair, when I tensed with cramps, he rubbed my neck and shoulders and whisperingly reminded me to let it go, to relax, to breathe.

My mom arrived. I knew there was essentially nothing she could do. But she came up to the room anyway, and checked my vitals, for good measure I suppose. Something to do. She stayed a couple of hours talking with the guys.

Around noon I got up and went downstairs. Fred left, and Rafe spent a little time in the office--- his office downstairs--- cancelling things, including the concert in Chicago this weekend. I told him he didn't have to, but he insisted.

My dad sent flowers that arrived around one. Cassie arrived at two.

Rafe thought she was a delivery girl. He'd forgotten her, as did just about everyone else. I couldn't believe she had this effect on people. I personally thought she was the most beautiful woman. She'd brought flowers--- probably from her garden in Rexburg.

I'd been there a thousand times. Rexburg--- the college there---was where I'd gotten my first degree, and it was where my sister taught.

I was in the den playing cards with Rafe and Ben. Mommy had gone out on the beach.

"I'm Cassie." My sister introduced herself. Her voice was very distinct, and I twisted to see her in the doorway--- which I couldn't.

"Cassie who?" Rafe hadn't let her in and I was embarrassed.

"She's my sister!" I called, and he still didn't get it. Ben yelled it too.

"I don't recognize her!" Rafe said, laughing, accepting the fact that he didn't recall her. She didn't look anything like the rest of us, except maybe Brianna---

Rafe had let her in. She was very quiet--- not a bit shy--- but she was a person of few words, especially to strangers and industry strangers even more. She came through the hallway, with Rafe behind her, towering over her, giving me the apologetic eyes, the confused arm signals, and the shrugging shoulders.

Cassie went to the kitchen--- she would--- she's very practical. "Do you have a vase?"

Rafe found one for her. She set the flowers in it, watered them from a water bottle she'd brought and gave them food, again, something she'd brought. She was very conscientious of these things.

Then she came to me, her long, long, straight black hair swung in a velvet curtain down her back. She wore tan Capri's, sandals, and a lovely gauze top. No jewelry--- even though her husband, the actor Matthew Lawrence habitually bought it for her. Her eyes were darkly fringed and deeply blue and very expressive, if you knew how Cassie expressed herself. Right now she was expressing natural concern. She gave me a really long hug, really tight, really understanding. And she wiped tears on her hand circumspectly, and that made me have to also. I hadn't exactly expected this from her--- but I hadn't not expected it either. Cassie could be elusive--- she could be very thoughtful—she could be enigmatic.

Now she turned to Rafe. Her eyes were soft and sweetly crinkled barely showing her thirty-four years. "I'm so sorry, Rafe. I'm sure this is very hard."

He was completely floored. He hadn't expected anyone else to know, let alone come from---- well, he didn't even know she came from Idaho. It was very likely Matt had a job in LA today. There were a lot of pilots in the family. Mommy had had a good idea years ago when she'd gotten her pilot's license in order to go back and forth from Montana to Utah--- where dad's main business ended up being, and also So Cal, where her other business was located. She said she'd read somewhere of a mom in Northern California who flew down to see her parents with her kids once or twice a week. Like hopping in the car--- only safer.

Cassie pulled up one of the bar stools, and stared at the game we were playing. A poker derivative the guys had taught me today. The music was on in the background, I watched carefully as Cassie assessed this as well. Of course, she would. She was the most observant person--- except maybe Rafe himself.

She asked a few simple questions and then quietly told me, mainly just me, about her experience with miscarriage recently. I hadn't even known she'd miscarried. She already had seven kids. We compared notes as women do, and it was actually a relief. Then she included Rafe, ignoring Ben pretty much, but not being rude, she just wanted to explain what Matt had gone through as well, sharing her experience so we wouldn't be alone, and would have an idea how to cope as things came up.

She eventually went out to talk to Mommy and then as was Cassie's habit, she left after just an hour.

"She reminds me of someone." Rafe said thinking it out.

"You know her daughter, Pen. She's been down spending the summer with Danny and Julie. She's Laura's age."

I knew keeping it all straight was hard for Rafe. He'd done pretty good at the reunion, though, and bluffed through what he didn't know.

As soon as she left, Mommy came in. She'd been on her phone and was now heading over to ABC before heading home. We thanked her profusely--- and then she admitted the caterers she engaged to bring us dinner. As they were leaving Jeff and Ronda came in.

They had the baby with them.

"I don't know if you can handle seeing her right now, Aubrey." Ronda apologized, and then set the car seat down to come and hug me.

"I'm okay. She's so sweet. Look at her! May I hold her?" She unbuckled her and then laid her carefully in my arms. Rafe moved the game table and put the cards away. There was a knock and the missionaries came in, followed by Brother Soon and his wife also bringing dinner. They didn't stay long, but expressed their sadness, and hopes that we'd have everything we needed.

Holding the baby actually helped. I simply stared at her lovely little fingers, her sleeping peaceful face, and felt the sadness engulfing and then passing from me. Just like that. I felt a connection with little Alyce, and through her to all my future babies telling me--- yes, mom, we're still coming, you're going to be okay.

At four Lance arrived by himself, and was quickly followed by Mutt and his new girlfriend, and Jeremy and Hannah. By that time I was ready for a nap. I excused myself and went upstairs with Rafe who apologized profusely for the crowd of well-wishers. I had to laugh.

"It's okay, honestly. I feel very loved. I just feel very tired. I'm going to take a nap."

"I'm exhausted too. I think I'll take a nap with you."

I gave him a critical look, but he was yawning. I laid down and Rafe made himself comfortable spooning with me, he pulled one of the covers up and over us and smoothed my hair up and out of his way as he nuzzled my neck.

"Are you doing okay?" He said, that melodic low voice so reassuring.

"I am. Holding the baby really helped."

"I didn't think it would. Didn't it remind you?"

"No, strangely enough, it was comforting. I know I'll be able to have more kids."

"Well, then maybe you'll be interested in knowing that I got a call today from John Simmons, one of the lawyers I have looking out for little Felicity Nemesio."

"I am interested. How is little Felicity adjusting to her American grandparents?"

"Well, unfortunately, they've sent her to a cousin's. They really, really truly don't want any reminders of their disavowed daughter, no forgiveness in this life or the next. I really feel for them--- and her of course."

"Who is this cousin? Her mom's cousin? Is she a younger person? Do they want Felicity? How awful for her. She is such a sweet, and sensitive little girl."

"Well, this is a trial for two weeks. If this isn't acceptable, the courts are going to place her in foster care while they search for another family member that can take her. If not, they will put her up for adoption."

I turned in his arms to look into his eyes. "Rafe?"

"Yes, Aubrey?"

"Is she ours?"

"I am thinking so."

"Should I write this down in a baby book?"

"Not yet." He chuckled. "But it is very coincidental that I found this out today."

"You think our baby stepped back so that Felicity can come to us?"

"I think that might be a possibility." He sighed. "You know--- I had that blessing in Aguascalientes, or someplace--- I can't remember, when the missionaries came to the fake lake, remember? Well, anyway, they said then that every truth I sought would be revealed to me, and so far, baby, that has been true. I felt a little betrayed that I wasn't warned in advance of your impending miscarriage. But now I feel this really warm feeling when I think about Felicity."

I smiled, and stroked his chin, where the facial hair was a little unmanaged today. He looked ruggedly handsome and quite trendy. I didn't say anything.

A few minutes passed while we thought about adopting a four-year-old. I'm sure Rafe had thoughts about that too. Perhaps all the normal thoughts and concerns you might expect--- the language barrier, her customs, her grief issues--- they would be compounded now by being rejected not once, but twice, or even three times. And then, of course, the changing dynamic, of having our own children.

My Mom had adopted first. And she'd adopted all throughout having her own family. I have to say my mom and not my mom and dad, although they together did adopt most of the children in our family--- but actually, Mom adopted Danny and Steven before she married my dad, and even Maille came before they were officially together. I thought about telling Rafe that--- and declined it. I was too tired right now.

I loved my siblings. All of them. There wasn't one I didn't think of as my biological siblings. But I was the baby. Maybe some of the older ones felt differently.

I drifted, feeling Rafe's even breathing solidify into deeper sleep. He was willing to consider adopting. He'd never even hesitated. His heart was in the right place. He wanted this little girl to have a proper home and the advantages we could offer her.

Before I fell asleep, I thought about the baby I'd miscarried. Where was that sweet little spirit now? He or she had not come and got a body--- you couldn't actually say that was a whole body, so perhaps he or she would be given another chance. That would be only fair. And God was very fair.

********